STM Advice - First Few Months Postpartum

sliztee · July 2018

I would like to kick this off by asking STM's:

How much time did your spouse/partner take off of work to help with the newborn?

My husband could take up to 8 weeks with 50% pay, but so far, we feel that 4 weeks might be sufficient. What do you feel like would have been the best amount of time when you were adjusting to motherhood? Did you have enough spousal/partner support in those early days?

Please share your experiences, if you feel comfortable!

sliztee · July 2018

Additionally, if anyone would like to comment on other early newborn days regarding visitors, caretaking, snacks, Netflix binging, or anything else, bring it!

chopchop25 · July 2018

+Question

What kind of snacks were best to keep around the house? Did you have any food aversions different to pre-pregnancy, or were there certain things (carbs, proteins, etc) that you found you were seeking?

KFrob · July 2018

When DD was born DH had just started a new job so he wasn't entitled to any leave. She was born on a Thursday night, so he took off Thursday and Friday with PTO, then had the weekend off and was back to work on a Monday. Then he took at week of PTO after I went back to work so we could keep DD out of daycare an extra week and he could get one on one time with her. This time he gets 4 weeks paid and we haven't decided how to break that time down yet. Probably two weeks at the beginning and then two weeks once I go back to work, and maybe some PTO time too. Honestly being home alone with the babe wasn't nearly as awful or overwhelming as I expected.

chopchop25 · July 2018

@kfrob what was the most valuable time for your H? Was it just having time to help them bond, or were there certain things he did or helped with to help that process?

KFrob · July 2018

I think he really enjoyed taking over after work to give me a break and get time with her. In the first couple of weeks we slept in shifts so I would sleep from around 8 until 12 so he had that alone time with her. He also liked that I started to pump right away so he could participate in feedings. He's a very hands on dad. I know this time around he's excited to take so much leave time to be home with this babe.

ETA they were bonded before the time he took off alone bc of above, but he really enjoyed their one on one time

jennybean80 · July 2018

We were a bit different. He took off the day I delivered and the next day as “family sick leave”, then went back to work as DS1 was in the NICU. He took 2 weeks off when DS1 was released from hospital, so we were actually home together. The hospital was close to his work so he would come by on his lunch hour a lot of the time, and we’d both go in during the evening.

This time he has 10 weeks vacation built up (we never go anywhere, kids are expensive to travel with

) and will probably take a month after baby is home, and then keep some time for when I go back to work (but that will be next year because I’m in Canada).

mommy2ane · July 2018

My husband worked from home at the time and he runs his own business so he didn’t take any time off with either kid. He’s not going to this time around either. Being alone with the baby was really nice. We had my mom with us for the first couple of days with A, just to help us get settled and help clean/do laundry since I had him 3 weeks early and we weren’t prepped. I was out of the house and running errands though by the 2nd or 3rd week. I’m not a huge germaphobe. With our 2nd, we had her a few days before Christmas and we saw everyone at Both families’ Christmas celebrations. We also had a lot of people stop by to visit, which doesn’t phase me. Most people know to stay away if they’re sick so I didn’t have any issues with sick people coming by. We actually had three babies celebrating their first Christmas with my husband’s family. E was the youngest at 4 days and my niece was 4 months old. A lot of it is your comfort level. I was 3 days post partum with my family Christmas Eve and it was very uncomfortable. Just take it easy and listen to your body.

Lisa3379 · July 2018

DH took a month off, which was great - well, he was actually home from Dec 4 through Jan 10 or so, because Christmas break was in there, too. He couldn’t really help too much in the middle of the night since I was nursing exclusively at first, but it was just nice having him there to take over so I could have a nap here and there. I also had my in laws over for a few weeks, so we had even more help. When DH went back to work, I was nervous, but we had enough time in there to establish a routine and I quickly realized I was just fine. So yeah, I’d say a month with DH at home was perfect - enough help to not be overwhelmed, and he had a great opportunity to bond with the baby, too.

I feel like for me, DH will be so much more helpful this time around because he’ll be mostly in charge of DS - meals, taking him to the park, etc.

Edit: just re-read your post. If your DH could take the other 4 weeks later, I’d absolutely recommend that. Mine took 4, then 4 more weeks of leave when DS was 7 months old, and then the other remaining 4 weeks right before he turned 1 (all time had to be used by the first birthday). It was so awesome to get that time together at different stages of that first year, and I know my DH would agree - he had a lot more fun with DS when he was 11 months old than 2 weeks, haha.

Lisa3379 · July 2018

Hmm, other newborn days stuff...

DS and I finished the entire series of The Office by the time he was a month old. It made being up for the day at 5 or 6 a little easier.

By week 2 or so I was starting to get panicky about the fact I felt like I lived on the couch, like I was being so unproductive. If you have people around that are willing to help, TAKE IT. And enjoy those days on the couch. I rarely get to sit on the couch before DS’s bedtime anymore. Anyway, I wish I had practiced more with baby wearing during those days so I could feel like I could get up more.

I ate a ton of toast with peanut butter as a snack while nursing. I also made lactation cookies. DH just laughed at me and said I just wanted to eat cookies... so I snuck them in the middle of the night feedings.

tlmill · July 2018

With DD, he didn’t take any time off. He had just turned in his notice and was starting a new job a couple of weeks later so he just continued working. I had zero issues adjusting by myself - he helped as much as he could while he was home and it was kind of nice to not have him there because we were able to get used to how it would normally be with just me and her at home during the day.

With DS he took a week of paid vacation starting a few days after we brought DS home (he was born 10/29 and Halloween is one of DS’s company’s busiest days of the year so he had to wait until after that). It was nice to have him help out with DD for the first week but I didn’t find that it was really necessary.

This time he’ll take 2 weeks paternity leave and possibly a week of his paid vacation but that’s partially because my brother will be getting leave (he’s a Marine) and DH wants to be able
to spend time with him as well.

Keep in in mind that his parents and his sister live about 5 minutes away from us, and his grandmother and aunt live about 10 minutes away, so I constantly had help, mostly from my MIL. When DS was born my ILs took DD often just to give me a break and give her extra attention. They’ll do the same this time with both DD and DS.

As far as anything else the first little bit with a newborn - it’s similar to 1st tri in the sense that it’s all about survival. Sleeping when the baby does, eating what’s convenient whenever you can, letting your expectations for housekeeping drop lower. I would advise taking the time every day to at least shower and put on something other than what you slept in, because you’ll feel more human and it makes all the difference. Also make sure you take some time for you - let your H take care of the baby so you can rest, or watch a show, or wander aimlessly around Target. You have to make sure you take
care of yourself.

Lisa3379 · July 2018

Totally agree with what @tlmill said regarding getting a shower every day. It also made me feel sooooo much more human. Also getting the opportunity to wander Target - seems so silly now, but even just an hour break every so often to totally unplug can really do wonders.

chyvie · July 2018

DH is commission based self employed so he doesn't get any paternity leave but he can make his own schedule. He likely will take a week off at the beginning and then again at Christmas. He will also be able to work from home some days.
Luckily I have my amazing MIL around the corner. She will be able to come help anytime I need. She just told me today she wants to take a grandparent prenatal class to get a refresher to ensure she know all the new stuff since it's been 41 years since she has DH.
My two best friends will also be on mat leave same time as me so we can meet up lots. I'm really looking forward to that.

mamabearcj · July 2018

@chyvie that's awesome!! I'm glad MIL is looking for the newest safest info and that you have such a great support group during this time

SweetSweetTooth · July 2018

FTM here and DH is thinking 2 weeks. I am bummed it isn't longer as I love tike with him but I also am looking forward to him being out of the house so I can figured stuff out without judging eyes or lack of sleep cranky husband (and me) and get a routine.

lrlybbert · July 2018

With DD my husband got two weeks of leave (Air Force) and then we had to move from Kansas to Idaho. We really struggled with sleep, so I was glad to have him home. Baby was colicky and wanted to be held or in swing all the time. I was actually at my parents’ house since we were moving and that worked out well too. My mom did all of the cooking, made sure I had snacks, and helped with the nursing issues. She fed me lots of trail mix, lactation promoting snacks, and the mother’s milk tea that helps with lactation. I swelled really bad and had some pretty bad tearing from delivery, so mom made sure I had rest and spent time on the couch or recliner. We had only a few visitors. Most looked, but did not touch the baby and I thought that was nice. After I got to Idaho with the baby we were in a hotel for two weeks and that actually ended up being good bonding time for us. I highly recommend having a mom around.

This time my husband gets 3 weeks of leave when the baby is born. He is looking forward to having longer to adjust together. My mom will be here for a month and his parents will come as my mom is leaving for tenish days. I’m relieved to have my mom, but a little more nervous about his parents. His mom doesn’t cook and they like to go out and act like it’s vacation when they come here.

pumpkinpancake · July 2018

With DS, my H planned to take off 4 weeks, but ended up going back to work after 2 because he was going completely stir crazy. He’s not the type to hang around the house, so he needed to get back to work to stay sane. When he was off, it was nice to have him around for the initial
figuring out what the hell we were doing as parents, but once we got into our groove, I was fine on my own. This time may be different since we also have a 2 year old now, but we’ll see what happens.

As for snacks and things I kept around, basically anything that was easy and quick to eat. One handed things that werent too messy were a plus, so I could eat while feeding him. Didn’t reallt crave anything specific, but I wasn’t ALWAYS hungry when I was breastfeeding, so I felt like I was just constantly snacking. Also always thirsty, so kept a water bottle at my side constantly.

jwebbbber45678 · July 2018

It depends on your baby and who else you have around to help you. I had no one but my husband, all of my family lives over 3000 miles away. Our baby was super colicky and cried constantly and never slept more than 2 hours in a row for the first 8 weeks. My husband only had one week off. I was so miserable, sleep deprived, and lonely. This time around I'm having him stay home with me for at least 3 weeks. It also usually takes longer for your partner to bond with the baby so I think it's important to have that time with the baby.

If you have friends and family nearby definitely get them to help as often as possible and I love what someone said about Target, it's so true!

The baby blues are real in those first few weeks post partum, the more sleep deprived you are and alone, the worse they get. Definitely have people around to support you if you can!

sliztee · July 2018

All great advice, keep it coming guys! Thank you.

@pumpkinpancake I can definitely see this happening with my husband. For now, we're thinking 4 weeks will be enough, but he might not make it that long! I guess we'll just need to play it by ear.

HoosOnFirst · July 2018

My Dh got 6 weeks off. Last time he took of 3, went back to work, and took the other 3 when I went back to work. That allowed us to delay daycare costs for a bit longer plus give him and dd time to bond. In the first few weeks, it was really that I needed physical help so in the beginning his role was to care for me and DD. I couldn’t have done it without him. I think the second part of his leave was critical in learning how to care for a baby by himself - I had already done so for 11 weeks prior and it helped us both feel equally capable.

jengibre_zorro · July 2018

My husband got one week off last time (although he gets 3 this time!). Honestly, the first week we were in shock, so when I really needed him home was at about 6 weeks when colic peaked and I had a newborn screaming at me 10 hours a day. Even though he gets three weeks this time, we might stagger it a little (i.e. 3 day weeks for a while,etc) just in case we get another colicky one. I would also recommend spouses inquire about potential to work from home, etc during that time- some places are surprisingly flexible if you ask!

DunkinDecaf · July 2018

H works for an incredibly wonderful company and could probably take as much time as he wanted, but honestly it’s better for his mental health to go back to work. With DD1 he planned to take 2 weeks and went back after 4-5 days because there’s just not that much to do with a newborn baby. With DD2 he actually did take almost 2 weeks but caved and went back a few days early because DD1 was running him ragged. She plays independently when I’m home but when he’s around she expects him to play with her non-stop, since thats how he is with her in mornings and evenings on work days, so his “paternity leave” was basically 0% baby snuggles and 100% playing tag with a toddler. I mean he loves being with her, but it wasn’t exactly lovely restful bonding with the new baby. Also he goes stir crazy being around the house full time.

I haven’t asked him how much time he wants to take when Isaac comes. Now that we have a nanny, and since I’m not due in the middle of winter for once, it might actually be fun for him to take a couple weeks. He may actually get some lovely restful baby snuggles this time around. I can’t imagine he’d want to take much more than 2 weeks though, especially since we’ll be so close to Christmas. His office typically closes between Christmas and New Years so he’ll get some more bonding time then.

cdepperschmidt · July 2018

H and Inare both teachers and DS was born Nov 7th so he took 3 weeks off and went back after Thanksgiving. He probably will not do that again. After the first week I didn’t really “need” him to help as much. This time it’s more important he saves his leave because I will have none left after maternity leave. I am hoping he will take a week or so depending on when baby comes.

I suggest keeping protein filled snacks and dairy free snacks. You will be super hungry and if you are nursing baby may struggle with dairy at first.

I totally agree with everything @tlmill and @Lisa3379 said!

missmaehurt · July 2018

DH took 2 weeks off unpaid when DD was born. It was helpful to have an extra set of hands especially since I had zero experience with babies. This time I doubt he’ll take any time due to him going back to work only a month before after his own FMLA leave.

Laumb11 · July 2018

Ds was born 10 days before Christmas so DH may have taken those 2 weeks, then he started traveling again when DS was 3 weeks old. That was fun...
I made some frozen crock pot meals before hand so they came in great when we needed to make dinner those first few weeks..

BabyRobbinsAdventure · July 2018

DH didn’t get any time off, but due to my complications they were very understanding and let him “work from home” for a couple of weeks. I agree with your judgement that 4 weeks would be a good amount of time. Like someone else suggested, see if he can take the other 4 weeks later on.

Snacks were basically anything that was easy to grab since making food (even if it was just a quick snack) seemed like a huge chore. ETA; this included bananas or other fruit, those sandwich cracker packs, goldfish, lactation cookies my coworkers made for me, yogurt, almonds, trail mix.

I didn’t have an adversions, but DD has issues with acidic/tomato based foods. So when friends brought ziti with red sauce or we did chicken with pasta sauce in the crock pot it wasn’t good for her. It made my milk too acidic for her to digest easily. Something to keep in mind for those making freezer meals.

eireyes · July 2018

With DS, H took two weeks because I'd had a c-section and he was sticking to the no driving for me for two weeks thing. He took less time with DD since his office changed their vacation policy and actually started tracking time off, so he couldn't just take the time like he did previously. We got into a much better routine faster with DD though since she was an easier baby and not our first, so I'd go to bed after I fed her and DS was in bed (around 8), and then H stayed up (like he usually does), but he kept her happy/asleep/whatever until she needed to be fed again (usually around 10:30-11:30). It helped me get that first little stretch of sleep, and he got some hands on time without me around.

Anything individually packaged, shelf stable, and able to eat one-handed (like granola bars) was a useful snack to have in the nursery for when I was late night nursing and got a randomly hungry. I didn't have to worry about mess or needing help or a toddler getting into it. I also kept a massive water bottle with a straw and lid on my nightstand and DH filled it with ice water every night when he went to bed so I had that to drink while nursing. It made keeping hydrated easy, and gave him a way to help since I wasn't pumping right away.

Hopefully we'll do something similar to what we did with DD this time around; I think it worked pretty well for us.

britvahok · July 2018

DH took 2 days off with DS1. DS1 was born on Thursday so he took Thursday and Friday off then went back to work on Monday. He was working from home when I had DS2 so he only took off while we were in the hospital. He job started calling him the day after DS2 was born. I doubt DH will be able to take more than 2 days off when LO is born in Oct.

FTM, remember it's okay to ask for help and don't try and be Supermom. It was so hard for me to ask for help with DS1. I had the worse anxiety because I thought everyone would judge me if I weren't doing everything for the baby. This time DS1 will be in school and then going to aftercare. DS2 will be home with me 2 days a week and at daycare 3 days a week. I'm going to have my MIL on stand by just in case I need her to watch DS2 one of the days he's home.

cdepperschmidt · July 2018

The whole don’t try to be super Mom is so important! I legit tried too hard to maintain my busy life with an infant and refused to ask anyone, even H for help. It’s not worth the stress. You have two jobs.

1. Take care of yourself.
2. Take care of baby.

In that order. Make time for self care, ask for help. Anyone who expects you to do it all don’t belong i your life right now. Ask for help!

Mylitta · July 2018

H got 2 weeks off for DS. It was extremely helpful but it took me a bit to get used to being on my own. This time he gets 6 weeks. He plans on taking the 2 weeks (with the thought we'll figure it out a bit faster this time) and then working half weeks for the next 8 weeks. Which will be awesome! His job is totally fine with this.

Another +1 for its fine to accept help. It took about 1.5w for me to completely lose it. Any chance I got I was trying to get dishes done, or laundry, or picking up since people were coming over, etc. What I wasn't doing was sleeping, cuddling my baby, coming to grips with life and priorities changing. Eventually you break down because that's not sustainable. Though I was pumping, so H could have taken over a feed, I physically couldn't let him. So we got into a habit where I would go to bed for a bit, and he'd mind the baby, then bring DS to me when it was time, and pick him back up for burping, changing, etc when he was done. This netted me at least 6 hours where I could let myself be 'off' for a bit. It was really helpful.

HoosOnFirst · July 2018

Another tip: LO's room was on another floor than the kitchen. So I bought a mini-fridge for her room to hold pre-prepped formula (also would work for breast milk of course!) so I wasn't navigating stairs at odd hours when I was half-asleep. MINI-FRIDGE. Consider it!

Also, DH offered to take all 6 weeks up front this time and I said no thanks. I don't know that I can handle all three of us at home for that long. I said 3 now and 3 later works best for baby (and I mean my sanity).

SweetSweetTooth · July 2018

@Mylitta I like that idea of a couple weeks off and then partial weeks to help with the adjustment! I threw the idea to DH so we will see if he is allowed to do that or if he wants to. I want him around yet I feel like I will want to kick him out! LOL

shortstack930 · July 2018

DH is a teacher and DD was born at the end of July so he had about five weeks off after she was born. It was really helpful because I had an emergency c-section and she was a tough baby. We lived upstairs from my parents at the time also so they were super helpful.

This time DH will likely only be able to take off a week. My parents live a few blocks away so they can still help out a lot but it’ll be interesting to be in my own with a baby and a four year old so soon.

I agree with taking a shower every day just to feel normal. I was on the couch nursing the first few weeks and showering and changing clothes helped me feel less like a bum. Also, you have the right to turn down visitors if you’re not up to it! Nothing is worse than being sleep deprived and feeling like you need to entertain visitors when you barely have time to shower.

ashin121 · July 2018

I'm a firm believer in making sure your husband has a week with the baby alone. My mom and friends/sisters all advised this. So my husband had 2 weeks off which he split into taking the first week off when the baby was born and 1 week off when I went back to work so it was just him and the baby. Alot of first time dads don't understand how hard it is to be at home with the baby yourself. The day goes by so fast and you don't have time to do much especially if you're breastfeeding. Eventually You feel like you're in a twilight zone where you wake up in the morning and the day repeats all over again . You forget what day or date it is etc. Alot of dads thinks it's so easy to stay at home and that you should have time to clean the house and make dinner etc. It's so much harder than that. I've had so many guy friends who say that to their wives until the stay at home with the baby for a week themselves . It's only then that they will say to their wives... "Wow that's so much harder.. the day goes by so fast! I swear I did alot for the baby" but the house is a mess, dinner isn't done etc. Alot of guys including my husband told me how much they appreciated us after that. They tend to be more hands on even after work because they understand .Guy friends who don't do this still think that the wives have it easy at home with the kid/baby while they are at work so they don't contribute to much when they get home.

I second the daily showers and the wandering around target for an hour alone lol. it does make you feel more human. Lol. I used to do this too when my husband got home. Hahah

HoosOnFirst · July 2018

ashin121 said:

I'm a firm believer in making sure your husband has a week with the baby alone. My mom and friends/sisters all advised this. So my husband had 2 weeks off which he split into taking the first week off when the baby was born and 1 week off when I went back to work so it was just him and the baby. Alot of first time dads don't understand how hard it is to be at home with the baby yourself. The day goes by so fast and you don't have time to do much especially if you're breastfeeding. Eventually You feel like you're in a twilight zone where you wake up in the morning and the day repeats all over again . You forget what day or date it is etc. Alot of dads thinks it's so easy to stay at home and that you should have time to clean the house and make dinner etc. It's so much harder than that. I've had so many guy friends who say that to their wives until the stay at home with the baby for a week themselves . It's only then that they will say to their wives... "Wow that's so much harder.. the day goes by so fast! I swear I did alot for the baby" but the house is a mess, dinner isn't done etc. Alot of guys including my husband told me how much they appreciated us after that. They tend to be more hands on even after work because they understand .Guy friends who don't do this still think that the wives have it easy at home with the kid/baby while they are at work so they don't contribute to much when they get home.

I second the daily showers and the wandering around target for an hour alone lol. it does make you feel more human. Lol. I used to do this too when my husband got home. Hahah

Yes to all of this. Your Dh having a chunk of time home by themselves (not just s single day here and there) is important.

chyvie · July 2018

I think that sounds like a great idea - off to plan a week away during Mat leave so I can leave DH home with baby!
He would freak out! I could see it being a good time for bonding, but here we get such long Mat leaves I'm not sure he would let me just leave for a week....something to talk about maybe!

hellopartyof5 · July 2018

DH was a SAHD after my maternity leave and it completely changed his perspective. Now he works and I SAH, but he never really expects anything anymore lol. Pasta with sauce for dinner? Totally acceptable. Everything's a disaster? Especially with a newborn he doesn't expect much (now I will say our house is rarely a disaster anymore... probably because I try and get out as much as possible). But all this to say: yes. Make sure your SO has one on one time with the baby for an extended period of time. Even without having to deal with nights, it made a huge impact on DH.

STM Advice - First Few Months Postpartum

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