When to tell (esp after losses)

nomangos23 · July 2018

When do you plan to tell others about your new pregnancy? Especially after you've had losses? Are there "waves" of people you'll tell at different times??

So far only DH and a close girlfriend know (only because I had to take my doctor's call in front of her)

All of our friends and family know about our first loss and several know about our most recent, so I get a lot of "are you guys trying?" kinds of questions and am not sure how to answer. I'm a terrible liar but don't want everyone to know obviously.

This time I think I'll wait until 12 weeks to tell close friends and family and 16 weeks to tell the masses

christac1010 · July 2018

Last time we didn’t tell anyone until we saw a heartbeat (around 6-7 weeks), except our mothers who we surprised on Mother’s Day. We found out at the end of April and we wanted to surprise them. We announced to other friends after the first ultrasound and then we announced on social media/everyone else around 13-14 weeks, after the NT scan and another check on the baby’s heartbeat.

This time we told our our best friends and I told one coworker (in case of an emergency). Otherwise we’ll follow the same timeline as last time.

ashley14598 · July 2018

Last time I was on vacation with my mom waiting on AF ... and she never came. My mom was telling me the whole trip I was pregnant. We had tried for awhile so I just wasn’t believing it. I tested when I got back home and sure enough it was positive. I told her soon after because I was scheduled to go with my family to a local amusement park that weekend and I was scared to go and also scared to tell them so quickly. We ended up telling my siblings and their families about 8 weeks in and the in laws about 9 weeks in. We told extended family, other close friends, and co-workers around the 10-11 week mark and posted to social media around 18 or 19 weeks (we aren’t big on social media).

This time I have an appointment on 7/25 (almost 8 weeks) and we plan to tell the in laws after that. I already told my mom because we are super close and there was no way I could keep it from her (she’s coming with me to the appointment because DH can’t get another day off that close after vacation). Other than that we will probably start telling close friends after we tell the in laws and my siblings soon after that as well.

bdesterhouse · July 2018

*tw* Our first we told family and friends right away, our second we told family right away and Facebook at 20 weeks when we learned we were having a girl. She passed away at 32 weeks. We told family right away with our 3rd and didn’t announce on Facebook because our son passed away at 16 weeks. This last pregnancy we only told family and close friends. I miscarried at 6 weeks. *end tw*

My husband and doctor are the only ones who know so far and it will stay that way till heart beat is confirmed. As of right now, we don’t even plan on telling family at all. I’m a bigger girl after four pregnancies in four years and going through a depression after the losses, so I’m hoping the baby belly can be hidden. We are optimistic this time around and would love to surprise our families. We know they’ll be thrilled as they’ve grieved our losses with us.

Who yo knows though, I might end up letting the cat out of the bag to my mom. Lol

mschanandlerbong1214 · July 2018

With our first we told our immediate families at about 8wks - after the first ultrasound. With our second it was early. Maybe 6wks? Can’t remember.

*TW*
With our first 2 CP we didn’t tell anyone. With our 3rd I told a couple people and then died inside when I had to tell them what happened. Right now it’s just me, DH, my mom and sister that know. We probably won’t announce to any other family til 8wks-ish, close friends around 13wks and everyone else after our a/s around 20wks.

char245 · July 2018

For me, I tell people as I feel ready. I’m extremely close with my family so they’ve known about everything all along. We have also already told a few close friends because if anything happens I would tell them anyway. As for everyone else we will wait till we see a heartbeat at least,

HarryPotterandCats · July 2018

I’ve told a few close friends who I trust and my FIL & SMIL know. When we had our loss two year ago they where the only ones we told at the time and if something were to happen this time we want them to be there.

We wont be announcing to the rest of the family until after the NIPT to make sure babe is healthy.

Allycat11 · July 2018

*tw loss*

This is pregnancy #5 for us with 2 living kids. Each pregnancy we have told people in waves, usually making it public knowledge around 12-15 weeks. So far some close family and a few friends know, but they are mostly people who we would want to know if we lost this one anyway (except MIL and SIL but that is a rant for another day). Knowing how much earlier I showed with with DS than DD we may be announcing sooner this time.

applesandbananas23 · July 2018

First timer over here at a little over 5 weeks - we told parents immediately and grandparents yesterday, but we will wait on siblings/the rest of the family until after my first ultrasound (3 more weeks) and will wait longer than that for a general announcement Luckily I am self employed so my boss already knows! I'm not sure when I should tell my patients - but my officemate knew we were trying and offered to see my patients during my maternity leave! So sorry about the loss that you ladies have experienced and trying to manifest positivity all around!

thedaint87 · July 2018

We are going to roll out the announcements in waves, similar to last time. We are telling immediate family this weekend(!!!) at 5 weeks. We will tell close friends after the first visit and ultrasound (so 8-9 weeks) and then a wider announcement to work, other friends and social media after the first tri.

ashley14598 · July 2018

Well we told the in laws today! 5 weeks 2 days and my mom found out on Thursday. I think we will still tell siblings after my appointment on 7/25.

novelblessings · July 2018

With DD we told everyone at 12 weeks after hearing baby’s heartbeat. I waited until 18 weeks last time to tell work. This time around we are telling everyone at 10 weeks because we will be on vacation with my family at that time and I won’t be able to hide a growing belly in a bathing suit. We plan to tell DD right before then. I’ve already told a few close friends and important people that would need to know but will wait as long as possible to tell my colleagues because I work for myself now.

JLaVO888 · July 2018

My sister went and got my test for me becuase I was all out this cycle and was torturing myself using OPKs. So she found out when we did. Told all the family already and some close friends. We suck at secrets. I’ll tell my boss when school starts becuase I’m on leadership team and she will need a heads up hat I will not be able to fulfill all my responsibilities this school year. Everyone else has to wait until end of first tri. Pretty much exactly what we did last time.

maggiemadeit · July 2018

We have told both sets of grandparents and our sisters. We won’t go beyond immediate family until much later, when I feel more confident.

The first time I had to disclose at work very early due to occupational hazards, (I was a bench scientist at the time, working with a fairly dangerous pathogen). Grateful to not be in the same situation this time around.

LilLambie · July 2018

First pregnancy we were planning on telling after the Nuchal translucency scan, but at that scan we found out he was sick so never announced. With the second, my mail was still being delivered to my mums because we were in a rental, and she opened the letter from the hospital when I was about 6 weeks and then she told everyone. We announced on social media after we had the all clear from the NT scan, so about 14 weeks. This time, I'm planning on telling family after the dating scan and the world after the NT scan.

bethany0126 · July 2018

This is my 8th pregnancy (we have 3 healthy kids!), and other than 1 known CP all the other losses have been 1st trimesters losses, unusually about 7 weeks. I just hit 6 weeks yesterday and so far only my husband and my mom know (although my one sister may have already figured it out). We will wait until about 12 weeks to tell other family and close friends (bc of the losses and bc i have a few close friends that struggle with infertility), although because of my history my dad and sisters will probably know before that (we’ll be on vacation with them twice in the next few weeks). We don’t usually do big announcements tobtte masses, but people will start to figure out by about that time, as I’ll definitejy show by then. Last time we waited til about 12 weeks to tell our older children (5 & 2 at the time) bc we weee arrays they would say something, but we may tell our 7 year old daughter sooner this time, depending on how I am feeling. She very perceptive and can easily tell when things are “off” and that makes her nervous easily which spirals her behavior, so sometimes it’s better to tell her so she knows what to expect. Since it’s summer I can’t hide not feeling well or being exhausted as easily as I could if she were in school all day. I’m still on the fence about this because I don’t know how she will respond if we lose this one too.

fillyjonk · July 2018

My husband knows, and, all things going well, will be the only one to know until testing is complete. Last two, we told close family after amino (1st) and harmony results (2nd). Work I told after anatomy scan for both, and will plan to do the same with this babe. That leaves plenty of time to educate those that will handle my matters during my leave. For the first two, we told non-anonymousish social media as we brought the baby home. I see no reason to do anything differently.

lovesclimbing · July 2018

We are with my in laws for a bit, and I expect them, at least my MIL, to be able to tell as soon as I start puking. So far, feeling nauseated but no puking yet. When they find out/we tell them, we will call and tell my parents as well. I'm about six weeks now. We'll probably wait a little longer, closer to 10-12 to tell siblings and other relatives and friends.

AnonnAni · July 2018

Think i will try to follow suit with my last 4 children and not tell until after viablity or later. With my 3rd we didnt tell Anyone other then immediate family until 3wks prior to delivery but considering this is #5 dont think the snap back will allow for that.

pipsqueak624 · July 2018

My husband has this idea to take both of our parents out to dinner and tell them together, but I think it would be more special to them if we told them separately. I know my mom is super emotional, and she is already mad at me because I wouldnt tell her when my embryo transfers or anything was during my IVF cycle and I told her I wouldnt tell anyone until at least 10-12 weeks just because we have been TTC for 13 years now. What do you guys think? Tell them together in one dinner, or take them out to dinner separately and tell them? I plan on telling my best friends and my sister separately after we tell our parents.

eggsandwich2019 · July 2018

We are going to tell both sets of parents when we get back to the States in the next couple of days (so I’ll be 7-ish weeks pregnant?). I’d rather tell them after the US but since we don’t live near either set of parents we thought it would be nicer to tell them in person. Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly this time, but if it doesn’t DH and I feel that it’s better they know

@pipsqueak624 I’d do it separately, but like back to back. I think it will allow everyone to express themselves more freely

kerco925 · July 2018

I will probably tell my family after my first appointment around 8 weeks. I'll tell everyone else after the first tri. I want to hold off on telling DD (4.5 years old), because she wants a sibling so badly that I don't want to tell her until it's less likely something can happen.

thatbaintforbetty · July 2018

I'm not telling anyone until absolutely necessary, like i wouldn't announce till the birth if i could get away with it. My mom will probably figure it out at some point but i don't want to hear my family's opinions any earlier then i have too. My sister and dad have been very vocal that they think we shouldn't have another kid and i will not so nicely tell them to STFU.

mschanandlerbong1214 · July 2018

@AnonnAni I recognize you from D14!! We’re you also a TBN friend?!

mschanandlerbong1214 · July 2018

thatbaintforbetty said:

I'm not telling anyone until absolutely necessary, like i wouldn't announce till the birth if i could get away with it. My mom will probably figure it out at some point but i don't want to hear my family's opinions any earlier then i have too. My sister and dad have been very vocal that they think we shouldn't have another kid and i will not so nicely tell them to STFU.

I hate when other people think they have an opinion on my family and my uterus. Like no. If MY DH and I think we’re ready then you can sit down and say congratulations or you can see yourself out of my life.

With that said my mom and sister know only because they know about our loss history and if anything we’re to happen they would be there for me again. Other than that we’re waiting til at least 2nd tri and maybe even after or a/s before we tell anyone else. ILs and the rest of my family included.

Allycat11 · July 2018

thatbaintforbetty said:

I'm not telling anyone until absolutely necessary, like i wouldn't announce till the birth if i could get away with it. My mom will probably figure it out at some point but i don't want to hear my family's opinions any earlier then i have too. My sister and dad have been very vocal that they think we shouldn't have another kid and i will not so nicely tell them to STFU.

Yeah people can stfu about my family planning.

We told my mom just so she did not whine that everyone else knew. Her response was "well I guess you already wanted a third so there you have it." Followed by comments about spacing. No congrats. No yay exciting! No how are yoy feeling? She knows little about our ttc and loss history and her comments are just hurtful.

My mom told my dad because i only talk to him on an as needed basis. His response was, "well they must be doing well financially."

Also apparently when you have your third people think it is okay to ask if you were trying or if it was a surprise.

maggiemadeit · July 2018

@Allycat11 That is so unacceptable that someone would ask you that! You would never go up to a non-pregnant person and ask them about their sex life! Why do people think that is any of their business?!

My raging pregnancy hormones are making me so mad for you right now!

litzi-2 · July 2018

We're going to wait as long as possible. Probably end of first trimester. I don't want to hide if I MC, but I don't want to have to announce it either.

thatbaintforbetty · July 2018

@Allycat11 Yea i think we'll probably get that question about this one. I think my mom probably put 2 and 2 together and knows this is coming when i was dodging questions about an OBGYN appt to have my implant out. But as soon as she knows everyone will know and i am just not on board with that.

3rdtime_charmed · July 2018

@Allycat11 That’s just awful. I’m sorry they can’t be excited for you!

JLaVO888 · July 2018

@Allycat11 My aunt asked me that when we got pregnant with our first one. I was so bugged and obviously still am a little. Makes me not want to share the news with her at all this time.

ashley14598 · July 2018

Ughh I’m not sure why people think they have any business commenting on your body, your uterus, your baby, your family size, etc. it’s ridiculous how they just can’t be supportive and happy for someone else regardless of where you are in your stage of life!

When DH and I had been trying for well over 9 months to get pregnant (and hadn’t told anyone we were trying) we went to the in-laws on the 4th of July his mom quilts and was making our “baby” a blanket. Not only did she tell me what it was but every single person that came through the door. I wasn’t even pregnant at the time and lost it. I burst straight into tears (after we left-which we left early) because I wanted to be a mom so bad. She was making something I wanted so badly to be but it hadn’t happened for us yet. I so wish she wouldnt have jumped the gun. This from the same woman that always said “oh I’ll never ask about when you guys will have kids.” ....

When to tell (esp after losses)

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