2nd Loss and ready to give up

sarahbee29 · June 2018

Hi All,
I am Sarah and I’m new here. I am 29 and my husband is 39 and we have been TTC for almost 4 years now. We are dealing with MFI, specifically his sperm won’t fertilize my egg. It “bounces” off it. To date, no testing on me has yielded anything but normal. We tried for approx. 1 year naturally, then went to an RE. We consulted a urologist and my husband had vericocele surgery done. His count came up a bit but nothing major. A few months later I had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. Luckily, the doctor left my ovary and did not have to remove for any reason. We moved onto IUI a few months later. 3 tries and all failed. Then, during last summer we decided to start IVF. Things went well, we ended up with 11 embryos after 5 days to freeze. We did not PGS as my doctor said with my egg quality (through blood) age, and fact we hadn’t had any losses didn’t seem necessary. We had an FET 2
months later and got pregnant. I began to bleed at 5 weeks & was diagnosed with an SCH, but within a few days the bleed resolved and growth had occurred and we heard heartbeat at 6 weeks 3 days. We happily left for vacation! Upon returning the following week, the heartbeat was gone and no growth since last ultrasound. I had a D&C and tissue tested- came back chromosomally normal! Considering this loss, my doctor changed his tune and said let’s do PGS to be certain. So we did. To our surprise, 5 of the remaining 10 were abnormal. We proceeded 4 months later with another FET, but PGS embryo this time. I got pregnant again and started to bleed at 5 weeks. This time I had another SCH but I was put on bedrest for three weeks and monitored weekly. Each week growth and heartbeat and bleed shrinking. I went at 8 weeks 5 days and doctor discovered the SCH totally resolved and embryo was measuring perfectly with strong heartbeat. I was released to my OB. Within 3 days I had odd cramping but no bleeding. I took it easy and drank lots of water. Three days later I began profusely bleeding and cramping terribly. I went to my OB the next day and the ultrasound showed the baby was measuring 8 weeks 5 days with no heartbeat when I was 10 weeks 1 day. I had a D&C the following day. My heart is broken, I feel so angry. The doctors have no answers on why this happened. I go for a follow up with the RE to discuss a possible “next step”. I’m terrified to get pregnant because I feel like I will lose it and have a terrible pregnancy with complications. My husband and I are taking some time to think but my heart and gut tells me we should move forward with adopting. Keep the embryos frozen in case down the line we don’t get a match, but I can’t see myself going through this process for another day yet a whole cycle. All I care about is having a family. Anyone else been through this? Thoughts, advice?

tinjp78 · June 2018

I'm very sorry for your losses and for the heartaches that you had to go through. It's really unfair that you get to experience such joyous news of conceiving and just like that, all is taken away from you. But about giving up, I'll encourage you to keep on going. I honestly have not gone through any loss, mainly bfn's from my IVF#1 and 3 IUI's, so I don't know exactly the pain that you have/are going through, but there is still that possibility that this would work out for you, I've seen women on this board who have also went under fire but were able to hold their babies in their arms. I hope that you get more strength to keep on going and find answers while you stay with us on this board. If ever you choose the other option, we'd still be here to support you.

funkykey · June 2018

@sarahbee33 - I'm so sorry you find yourself here, and I'm sorry for your losses.

I've had 3 failed FETs after IVF, and it's really painful. We have one more embryo frozen, but it's too painful for me to transfer it - I'm taking a break and working towards another round of IVF with PGS testing instead. I can totally understand how, after the two MCs, you would want to consider adoption.

I do think, if you have 4 more PGS normal embryos frozen, you have good odds of conceiving yourself, but I'd definitely take some time to think through your next steps.

Listen to your heart & best of luck to you. This road is long and lonely.

roisis · June 2018

I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered. Your story really resonated with me, I can completely understand why you want to give up at this stage. IF is a shitty, horrible, unfair battle - but to go through it and then to suffer a loss is just so unbelievably cruel - and to have to do that twice can leave such a level of fear and dread in your heart. I'm in a similar situation myself; I finally got pregnant last year after IVF and saw a strong h/b at 7wks only to lose it at 9wks. It took me a year to complete another round of IVF (personal circumstances, OHSS, cysts - everything conspired against us this year) and have just found out after our first scan that there is no h/b and embryo is a week behind. I'm preparing myself for another loss.

I have 2 embryos left on ice - and I understand your fear of further transfers. I really can't offer any advice on your choice; I know many people will tell you to keep going - that you have them there and so you still have chances - and that's true - but it is your decision. Does your clinic offer any counselling? It could really help to talk with someone. Bear in mind that you are grieving for your losses and that grief can affect your decisions. If you do go ahead, give yourself enough time to be positive and be able to look forward. One of the reasons I like my RE is that he takes our mental state very seriously as part of this procedure.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best in your future

bpietronicco · June 2018

@sarahbee33 so sorry for your losses. I lost a pregnancy early on after my first iui in March of 2017 and after 5 more failed IUIs we moved on to ivf. I got pregnant this past January but heartbeat stopped at 9weeks and had a D&C in February. We decided to do one more round of IVF and now have 2 pgs normal embryos frozen and are preparing for an FET. I am completely terrified that the same thing will happen, but I try to focus on the fact that I could end up with a THB and I know in my heart that if I didn’t try I would regret it. Whatever you decide we will be here to support you.

@roisis so sorry for your losses. Sending Hugs your way.

roisis · June 2018

Thanks @bpietronicco - I'm so sorry to hear of your losses too - and best of luck in your upcoming transfer

sarahbee29 · June 2018

I want to thank all of you ladies for your encouragement. It means so much to me. I am also sorry for your losses and struggles. Those that have never had to go through what we have do not understand these feelings. I wish for all of you to have healthy babies in the near future ❤️

funkykey · July 2018

@roisis - just chiming in quickly. I'd lost track of you on the boards (I guess we haven't been on the same thread in a while), and I didn't realize that you'd had those losses. I'm so sorry.

Sending you a big hug, and wishing you all the best.

@bpietronicco - same to you, sorry for your loss.

Really hoping this next FET is the one!

[Deleted User] · July 2018

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mrsyng · July 2018

@sarahbee29 truly sorry for your losses and I can empathize with you. My story is also very similar to yours with MFI and trying for over 3 years. Did iui then ivf resulted11 untested embyros. I’ve also had 2 MC - IUI&FET.

No one can decide if you should stop trying except you and DH but like many others have mention take some time and discuss with DH. IF is cruel and can/will take a toll on us all. After our many failed iui and 1st MC we took a break for 1/2 a year to prep for ivf. I believe the break from IF helped us grieve amd eliminates stress. Whatever you decide I hope you will find your answer.

roisis · July 2018

Thanks @funkykey

dragonette505 · July 2018

**lurking **
@sarahbee29 I can def relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I've had (TW) 4 losses all before 10 weeks (one mc started right at 10 weeks but like you had stopped growing around 8.5). It is hard to decide what to do when you are feeling afraid and defeated. Right as you are dealing with a loss is the worst time to make a decision because in that moment you just want to protect yourself from ever feeling this way again.
I will say that after 4 years (almost 5 I guess!) I finally had a doc who noticed something was up with my uterus and sent me for an mri. It turns out I had a very small uterine septum but the tissue of the base of the septum was covering my normal uterine lining about halfway. With this issue I would never have been able to carry a baby for very long. I was lucky to have that discovered since at my age (almost 45) most people just assume losses are due to being old.
I am not saying this is your problem... i don't know how common uterine septums are... but I'm saying there usually is SOME reason why a person miscarries. What they mean by "unexplained" is simply :we haven't figured it out yet.
I agree you should take the time to work through your emotions but then maybe see a specialist who can give you a thorough once over to make sure nothing else has been missed either physically or hormonally or immunologically. Even if they discover the smoking gun, it wont necessarily take away your fear of trying again (trust me) but the more info you have the better decisions you can make.

@roisis I'm so so sorry... I didn't realize you'd had another loss... wish I could give you big hugs

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