FTM Check In w/o 6/26

mrsmang · June 2018

Hey everyone! I know there’s been some discussion on the format of check-ins and how maybe it’s not so conducive to dialogue. Let’s try something different this week and just leave it open. How are you feeling? Any concerns? Anything that you think is particular to FTMs? Let’s see if we can get more of a discussion going!

mrsmang · June 2018

I’m at 11+6 today and went in for my NT scan and genetic blood work. There were a few things they said they only do for first babies - we had a genetic carrier screen for my husband and I, and a screening for preeclampsia. I also had blood drawn for a NIPT test. Now I just have to wait!! I’m already anxious for results, but they said the scan looked really good with one small abnormality that they weren’t too worried about but the preeclampsia screening would give a more definitive answer on that.

In other topics, we went in Buy Buy Baby for a pregnancy body pillow to try to help me sleep better on my left side, and definitely started playing around with strollers and car seats. There’s so much to research and learn and it’s making me nervous! Especially the car seat - it’s so important and I want to make sure we get the best safest one we can! Lots of reading and youtube videos in our figure for sure.

kianarain · June 2018

THANK YOU for starting this thread. I'm 8+5, and have been feeling great (emotionally) up to this point. Then, yesterday, I had a sudden onslaught of anxiety and it's been overwhelming since. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!

We've planned, saved, have more family support than I could ever imagine/expect, and I'm still just so...anxious. I'm in Oregon, and there's no paid maternity leave. SO and I are about 50/50 in terms of household contribution, and I've saved enough for a 12 week leave and then some, but then what? Just hand your baby off 5 days & 45 hours a week?! My mom (bless her) is retired and more than happy to help with child care - as is SOs - but I'm already panicking. I just don't think I'm going to be ready.

My job may let me work from home a bit during the transition, but I won't know until I tell my boss because we don't have an HR department. And even then, my job is so taxing (account manager in advertising) - will I need a career change on top of all the other changes?!

Is anyone else experiencing similar panic? I'm trying to focus on the positive and appreciate that we've gotten this far (we had a loss at 7 weeks in April) - but I can't help but feel overwhelmed by stress right now. Why do my Facebook mom friends make it look so easy!?

TruStory · June 2018

@kianarain I’m super anxious for when baby comes. We have planned and saved and since we did IVF it was all very planned. Plus I’m in my late 30s I don’t know how much more ready I can get. I do live in Ny though so there is paid FMLA, but I just don’t see how I’m going to be able to come back to work after 12 weeks and hand my baby off. Also don’t have family close by, so it would have to be daycare...and I just don’t think I can do it. I’ve worked so hard to get to this point, I want to be the one with my baby all day. Anyhow my point is I’m realy nervous about how we are going to do it but I just keep saying people do it every day and we’ll make it work. I have faith it will all work out. Of course my job knows none of this. I will try to get part time hours but I don’t think it’s going to fly.

mrsmang · June 2018

@kianarain @TruStory I’m right there with you ladies! Totally nervous about childcare and work. I think my job will be ok as far as stress and time, and my bosses are aware and super supportive so far. However, we have no family in the area. We are already on a few daycare wait lists and I’m hoping something will work out close to our office (we work at the same place which is lucky). Between the two of us with some paid and some unpaid, I think we will be able to take about 4 months off. However, I’m still very anxious about one day just bringing the baby and leaving them somewhere. I’m sure I will be a total nervous wreck.

Im also totally nervous about just having a baby in general. Every time I call my mom I just think how wrong people are when they say things like “you just have to make it 18 years!” This kid will be around forever and part of our lives for as long as we live (hopefully!) and we will always feel some responsibility to make sure they are safe and happy. That’s just so huge and life changing and overwhelming! I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’m not sure when that will totally hit. Don’t get me wrong, we are so excited, but it’s definitely mind blowing.

kianarain · June 2018

Ah, thank you guys for validating! I already can't imagine handing baby off at just 3-4 months, but to strangers!? I think I would have a hidden cam on them at all times. (Am I paranoid? Lol

)

@TruStory Have you considered looking into some work from home options? I've been doing that and also checking out some part times. Wouldn't be long term, but just maybe for the first year. Of course this will all depend on how my work reacts - I could really do all the work I do daily from home, it's just a matter of if they'll allow it.

@mrsmang So true! When we were trying, all I could think of was being pregnant, having bonding time with my partner and belly, and when baby comes just staring & loving every moment. Of course we weighed the responsibilities and finances, but wow - it somehow seems a lot more real on this side of things!

My SO keeps reminding me that people do it successfully with a LOT less than we have (in finance & support departments), and that all parents - if they're smart - go through this at some point. I know everything will work itself out in the perfect ways for each of us. And in the meantime, I'm so grateful to have a place to vent and get reassurance!

KLS123 · June 2018

@kianarain @TruStory @mrsmang oh yeah 100% in the same anxiety boat here, no official paid leave, high hour/stress job in a male dominated industry, no family in the area and a compensation vesting schedule I can't really just quit and walk away from. I am currently trying to negotiate leave and part time work from home with my company so we will see how that goes. Even if they do agree to that I have no idea what kind of childcare will work for that situation? Like a part-time on-call nanny, is that a thing?

Probably even more than that though as a FTM with no friends with children yet I am worried about the social isolation.

mrsmang · June 2018

@KLS123 ugh I’ve barely let myself think about the friend issue. We have tons of couple friends but so far none have kids. We are hoping some are close behind, but we don’t really know. I’m also hoping maybe in my prenatal yoga classes or things like that I could meet some new friends, but so far it doesn’t seem like people are talking before/after class. Also, knowing that daycare will probably be closer to the office than my house and since DC has a large amount of suburbs I’m worried about making friends there that live pretty far from our neighborhood. I’m just kinda crossing my fingers on that one and hoping we will find the support we need. Our neighbors have been great so far with books and lists of stuff we should buy and hand me downs and the like so that will be good.

galactickates · June 2018

I really have no idea how people afford day care or to survive on one salary. My H was very willing to let me stay home but I've worked hard, I get good benefits. I really don't want to give up my income. Luckily my work is being flexible with me and my mom is excited to DS one or two days a week.
Side note I have a DS!!! that's so crazy to say!!! I can't wait to meet the little guy.

I've totally been day dreaming about what he will look like. Something my friend said that stood out to me is that when her son was born she was blindsided that she didn't recognize him. He didn't look anything like what she had imagined. That's got to be such a weird feeling

KLS123 · June 2018

@mrsmang that's great your neighbors have been so helpful! Most of our neighbors are DINKs but there are some young families that hopefully we can get connected with. I start prenatal yoga this week so FX there is some socialization with that!

@galactickates that's so great/crazy you already know it's a boy! Man it will be super weird once people on this BMB start delivering and there are actually real life babies we talk about. I'm having a hard time grasping that this is really happening still

galactickates · June 2018

When are you guys thinking about having a shower? Everyone keeps asking me. Do you think middle of oct is too early? I was thinking it would still be nice out and before people started thinking about Christmas. Plus anything we don't get that we need can be bought on black Friday

KLS123 · June 2018

@galactickates I was thinking early November before Thanksgiving travel and Christmas party season

mrsmang · June 2018

I’m not sure when to do my shower(s?). Our families are all spread out so I’m guessing there will probably be at least two. My best friend is getting married in early November so I have to be back in my hometown for that, but it would not be fun to try to fit the shower in that weekend. However that means anything mid-oct to mid-nov I’d be traveling back pretty close to our other trip. Basically no matter when I do them in the fall they will probably mean lots of extra travel added on top of wedding and thanksgiving. My sister is definitely already asking and wants to start thinking about it too.

kaf1788 · June 2018

@galactickates I don’t think October is too early! I assume mine will be at my parents’ house (all of my sister’s and my showers have been) and it would really work best to be able to have people outside so mine will probably be around then too

alexandraseattle · June 2018

@galactickates my sister and I were just talking about this. I think we are going for the last weekend in October or the first in November. Anything later and I think it interferes with holidays. I’d say mid-October is just fine. Then you kick off all the festivities before Halloween!

peachy104 · June 2018

@mrsmang is the pillow helping? I probably need to get one. Right now I have two additional pillows I’ve been using to help me get comfortable but I’m thinking I may need a full pregnancy pillow.

Daycare already? We haven’t even started talking to places yet... last time we started calling around 8w and then had our MC a few days later.

We have enough money saved for me to take the full 18weeks off work my company allows. They pay partial for 10w. But that means my baby will be starting daycare next May. Guess I thought I had more time before starting that search but maybe I don’t?! I pray we find a daycare we like and feel comfortable with.

wnn1992 · June 2018

I have not even started to think about the work and daycare situation. Yikes! I had my first OB appt last week. We did tons of bloodwork health history questionnaire and heard baby's heartbeat. 1st Ultrasound is next Thursday. Follow up appt/full physical exam is set for 7/20. But today my dr office called and left a voice mail asking me to call back, no other details. I am so worried they found something bad in my tests!!!!

kaf1788 · June 2018

@wnn1992 I wouldn’t worry too much! I’ve had two of those voicemails so far and both times they’ve been very minor (I.e my blood test showed a minor iron deficiency so they suggested I start an iron supplement). Odds are it’s something small like that!

mrsmang · June 2018

@featherchicki pillow seems to be helping. I got a Boppy one that wasn’t full body, just a comma type shape for between legs and eventually under a belly. It’s helping some. I can see where when there’s more belly it will help a lot more. It’s not big enough for me to lean forwards onto now, but if it was it wouldn’t fit under a belly later.

And yes, daycare already. Places here have waitlists over a year long and we will probably need something around May as well. We got on the week we found out we were pregnant and actually had an appointment already set because we were going to get on before we even conceived! It’s absolutely insane. We just did our top choice daycare so far, but definitely need to get on a few more for backup in case this one can’t fit us in.

peachy104 · June 2018

Guess I better start researching and calling daycares!

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