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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
drewsdarlin
member
5 losses
drewsdarlin
member
Hi I am new here. I am Janetta. 41 years old. Married to my husband for almost 19 years and trying to have a baby that long. Got married October 23, 99 and pregnant 1st time Feb 2000 and tested end of Feb when I was throwing up while out of town for grandmother's funeral and m/c on March 1, 2000 at around 7 weeks. No pregnancy again until August 2002. Found out about that baby one day before hubby's birthday on September 29, 2002 when I took a home pregnancy test cause of feeling sick for weeks at same time every night. Then, m/c that baby on october 17, 2002 a few days before our anniversary that year. Then, got pregnant third time in May 2005 and found out about that baby on night of June 12, 2005 when I took a digital hpt after getting to cd40 something in cycle and then went to ER on June 14, 2005 when bleeding started. Had a bad experience with ER doctor that day. Then nothing happened for years even though we weren't preventing so in January 2010 first saw a RE and did testing on us and then preceded with IUI's and second IUI worked in April that year but ended in 4th m/c on May 12, 2010. took a few months off of the treatments and then more IUI's in 2010-11 and testing. and then did foster care classes in 2012 but that didn't work out after we finished the classes. Then, had 5th loss in 2015. Didn't even know I was pregnant that time until loss happened on March 23, 2015 and hcg from ob/gyn almost a month later confirmed it. Then, saw a new RE in 2016 and did more testing on me and found out some things that other RE didn't test for and stuff.
Re: 5 losses
With "fixer" type husbands it can really add a whole extra level of stress.
With my own 15 losses, I got to a point around the 4th loss where I didn't want to have him go to the hospital with me because he'd get frustrated, feel "useless," and withdraw into himself to keep from being snappy with me, and it felt worse than being there by myself because he'd just be a seething mass of frustration in the room and I felt like I had to take care of both of us.
Eventually, I was just desperate for a solution to get him to open up to someone about it, so I touched base with a really good mutual ex-marine guy friend we both mutually trust and have known forever, laid out the situation, and asked him to talk to DH. He invited DH over to a game where it was just them, proceeded to get DH extremely drunk, and then let him ramble and kept an eye on him while he cried, yelled, and repeatedly punched a brick wall. When DH was done and sleepy, the friend brought him home, helped me get him to bed, and stayed a bit to make sure I was okay. DH slept it off, had a wicked hangover the next day, couldn't remember much of anything, but still felt remarkably better.
In general, I don't recommend drinking as a coping mechanism, but the time spent opening up to someone he didn't have to worry about hurting more really took the tension out of our situation. Unfortunately, guys are not great at opening up to each other and it took the Scotch to get him there.
I find the guy friends that are the absolute best at this are military or ex military. The ones that have been through some things are better at helping other guys through it.
On my end, it helped to talk to people who weren't him about how I felt. He knew I was sad, frustrated, and tired, but until he finally processed his own feelings of loss, the venting to him made it worse because he felt really powerless. It's a good rule with grief and loss of all types to have a wide network of people who are available in addition to your spouse. They're trying to get through it too, and sometimes you and them need more than either of you can give, but that doesn't mean your relationship needs to suffer for it.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do; just know that both of you are having normal responses to a stressful situation. *hugs*