Probably FFFC... but I gotta get it off my chest

kchiquita20 · May 2018

my husband and I have a 5.5yr old. My husband didn’t really care to have kids, but prior to getting engaged I told him that if he was sure he didn’t want kids, then we needed to start thinking with our heads and split.

He put a ring on it.

we have our first kid and it was a rough first year. He didn’t sleep, everyone was exhausted. I was convinced I was one and done. At about the 4.5 year mark, I suddenly started thinking about another. I brought it up to my husband and he wasn’t excited at all about it. He thought he was smooth sailing getting away with just one when pre-marriage I had talked about 3-4. So of course this annoyed me and I got on him about our vows and all the conversations we had about having a family.

So he agrees to start trying. And then *I* start second guessing myself. Do I really want another? Our son is almost 6. We really enjoy our life and freedom right now. Okay... maybe I don’t want another.

Aaaaaand BFP.

im 6 weeks and I still don’t know how I feel about it... especially now that the nausea has hit, I feel like I made a mistake. I feel so f*cking awful saying that and I pray every night that my feelings change and I embrace and begin to get excited about this little life inside me. But I can’t help to wonder if this pregnancy doesn’t work out if I would try again. And I don’t think I would.

im awful. And now I feel like crying.

LostinUtopia · May 2018

You’re not awful. I’m also a late night Bumper. Friggin insomnia is starting early. I just wanted to say that I have been also having some doubts...probably not as big as yours but definitely still getting to me. I am afraid of being extremely overwhelmed with 2 kids and I feel like a lousy mom to my DD already(easily distracted and sometimes easily annoyed) but in reality I know I’m not. Just easily tired, and working FT. I also think DH is going to have to step up around the house ( he is good with DD but not with many chores), and the amount of nagging I’ll have to do is already giving me extreme anxiety. Also being overweight and now at the weight I was when 8-9 months with my first pregnancy is making me really worried about health-related things and that if I was smart, I should have tried to drop some weight before I got pregnant again. Sigh.

Anyway, I can’t give any other concrete advice other than to let you know this is a supportive community, but hopefully you can find a confidante in your own inner circle as a sounding board since they know your situation better than us. Also, even though hormones do surge and can really f)&$ up your day when pregnant, if you’re consistently feeling these things you might need to air it out to your DH at some point (possibly?!) and maybe things will become somewhat ironed out or you’ll gain a little clarity. For now, I think you need to just breathe and give yourself the benefit of the doubt in a sense... maybe give yourself more time to feel things out. I am not great with the reassurance brush, but just know you’re not alone!

runrinserepeat · May 2018

Okay so I’m not exactly in the same spot, but I feel you. I pulled really hard with DH for this one (#3), and now I’m wondering if I’ve just destroyed our family dynamic and it was so nice just the 4 of us.

But, I feel pretty confident that this will pass. Right now, all we feel is sick. As the first tri ends, we’ll start to feel better. We’ll start to see our bellies grow, and start to feel the babies move. That will be huge in helping us connect with our little ones. And I fully expect to wonder how we ever got by without this baby once s/he shows up.

I hope your dh can adjust. That must be so hard being on such different places about your family.

ScootsMcG · May 2018

You're not awful! You're sick, your hormones are surging and you have a major life change on the way. I think it's pretty normal to be worried about that. Life with two kids won't be the same as life with one, and some things are going to be harder. But, some things are going to be a lot better:) Think about all the good things you've experienced with your first...you get that times two now. And, (when they're not fighting:)) it's going to melt your heart to see those two siblings together. It's good to be honest about how you feel and don't be ashamed of it, but remember there is a whole lot of joy coming your way too. I'm sorry you're having a tough time getting on the same page with your husband too. I know mine always blurts out his anxieties as he works through them (for us it's "how are we gonna manage 4???!!!"). I guess that's a good thing, but sometimes I don't need to hear it! So, your husband may need some time too...but it also doesn't mean he won't be able to adjust or even enjoy your family of four.

kchiquita20 · May 2018

I think a lot of it is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear because “now I know”. I didn’t really have many fears of having a child the first time because I had no idea what it was like. But now I KNOW. Lol.... so yeah, lots of fears. Hopefully it will all pass soon and I can start to look forward to all this... but right now, it kinda feels like it’s an unplanned pregnancy, even though it kind of was? I just need more time to absorb everything.

katy0990 · May 2018

You are not awful! Fear is healthy. This is a major change and you are hormonal. Can you talk to your DH honestly about your feelings?

tumbleweed-1 · May 2018

It’s ok to mourn a little for what you won’t have anymore. That doesn’t make you a bad person.

Life will be a little different with two kids. I’ve been having very similar doubts and anxieties. I’ve always wanted 3 kids (I don’t have any kids yet), but now that I’m pregnant I’ve been second guessing if I even want kids at all. I keep thinking of how life will change when I can’t go/do whatever I want when I want. And that I won’t be “the cool Aunt” anymore because I’ll have to spend time & money on my own kids. I think it’s just hormones getting to me, and I think it might be the same for you (but I’m not a doctor). If these feelings don’t ease up, it might be helpful to talk to your doctor about it. Thanks for sharing your fears with us.

asun123 · May 2018

I have a 5.5 yo and an almost 3 year old. I wanted a third sooo bad. And have been trying since right after giving birth to my last one. ****TW MISCARRIAGE*** Last year I lost 2 pregnancies. **END TW*** And Now I'm finally pregnant again. But now I'm like, holy crap, I don't think I can handle 3.. But I go with the flow and I'm already pregnant (so no turning back now) and I do always believe that life is crazy but everything will always turn out good.

AGK2015 · May 2018

My first time pregnant, I didn't get excited about that life inside me until it was outside me. Pregnancy is HARD, man, physically and emotionally. It's a period of constant change, followed by probably the biggest single change you can make in life (and the most major responsibility you can take on). Marriage, divorce, adopting a pet, cross country moves, changing career paths... nothing else really compares in terms of earthshatteringness. No one would fault you for second guessing any other life change or being apprehensive or even wishing you could walk it back; you are absolutely allowed to have those feelings about this one, especially while you work to adjust to what your new life is going to look like.

Definitely worth keeping in mind though that while it's totally understandable to have these feelings, depending on the severity and how disruptive they are, it may be worth seeking some additional support during your pregnancy (therapy, support groups, meds, whatever: your OB would be a good resource). Antenatal depression is a real thing, it puts you at higher risk for PPD, and it's something you don't have to just endure. I don't know your full situation or whether you're at that point, but maybe stash that info in the back of your mind, just in case it becomes useful.

kuailanikaleo · May 2018

Youre not a bad person at all. In fact, admitting that youre afraid is a sign that youre a strong parent and youre wise to admit your shortcomings. When I was pregnant with my son my husband was, lets just say, checked out. He never wanted sex, never put himself out there to help me with chores, and needed extra attention with his health. It was like he was the pregnant one. He admits that he was going through a rut, and I admit that that was the hardest period of my life. I felt completely alone and rejected, I cried almost every night because I felt ugly and disgusting. I ended up losing weight from my pregnancy. I told him I was done after i gave birth because there was no way I was going through that again, even though I originally wanted a TON of kids. It crushed my spirit for a long long time.

Fast forward to now, my husband knows how bad he hurt me because I wrote him a letter one day saying everything I felt. He flipped a one eighty and he changed. He admitted that he was afraid during my pregnancy that wed end up like those couples who have a baby and then split. But he says once we became a family of three he loved it and he regrets treating me so coldly during the pregnancy. He started encouraging me to try for another baby. I never thought Id be here in this position again and I was so terrified to tell him I was pregnant because i didnt know what to expect. But so far hes been extremely supportive, helping out, making me dinner and letting me stay in bed on those days when I have morning sickness. Its an understatement to say that im surprised.

You never know what your future holds. It might be a rough pregnancy for now, but when he holds that little baby, he may feel differently. Change is the only constant in our life. Its a roller coaster from start to finish, even for the best couples. But even if hes not supportive, WERE here for you!!

Want a personalized experience?

Probably FFFC... but I gotta get it off my chest

Re: Probably FFFC... but I gotta get it off my chest

Choose Another Board

Search Boards