@runsomewhere I definitely don't think that just because you're a new mom you have to be an unshowered falling apart mess....but it is reality that that is what many new moms go through. Memes tend to take everything too far, but I don't see anything wrong in portraying what is reality for many, and bringing more awareness to what a difficult time it is. Especially considering our male dominated society decides to give women a measly 6 weeks off after giving birth, which isn't even long enough for the dam stitches to heal, I see value in letting society in on this fact and maybe creating some empathy....that could possibly maybe one day lead to a reform of our shitty maternity leave system. On the flip side, there is nothing at all wrong with being put together and doing well as a new mom, more power to ya, but the postpartum time is a very hard adjustment period for many women and some have a hard time cutting themselves some slack for taking a while to bounce back.
Also agreed about bringing awarenesses to the issue, and it can be done in different ways. TV shows are a way to do it for sure but they can also become borderline ridiculous. When the line is crossed I personally lose interest in watching that kind of stuff, but that's also because I'm pretty well informed about the not so fun times about being a new mom.
I also have it easy compared to a lot of people and I'm aware of that - my husband has 8 weeks paid paternity leave and 6 weeks of PTO and I'm on unpaid leave but I have an extremely flexible job plus family help at least in the first few months. But I've met a lot of moms to be who were shocked learning about the PP period and they all were saying how it is never talked about - they were freaking out as they didn't feel like they prepared enough.
We need thinhs to change and we of course need society to learn about what the 4th trimester is too so we can reform our system when it comes to maternity leave. Whatever it takes!
@zande2016 I don't disagree with you regarding 6 weeks leave. That's a whole new topic. I also do agree that the PP period can be tough.
However, it is not up to "society" to cut me slack and it's not up to "society" to validate my life and my feelings, be it a hot mess life, a put together life or both.
These memes and articles typically aren't about about moms that are right postpartum these are general mom things, like this hot mess thing should be the norm.
In the end I think it hurts women more than it uplifts them and puts them in this mind frame like their sense of self and confidence are gone and no longer matter. Sure, you might chuckle at a stupid meme and momentarily relate to it during a tough moment. However at the end the message is that this is your destiny now and that you are no longer the woman you used to be.
People don't like to admit it but I think this mindset it makes women feel bad at the end of the day.
I found it interesting to see how women reacted to the recent Kate Middleton post birth pictures. The overwhelming majority of comments were either hateful "must be nice to be fake for the cameras after having a team of people working for you" or really self deprecating. I find that really sad.
@runsomewhere you're right, it is up to the individual to cut herself some slack, but we take our cues from society, and it can be hard to do that when society has certain expectations. I also don't take any of that as making me feel like my sense of self is gone or less valued, I honestly just take it is a depiction of what the experience is like for many. Of course we all have different experiences, some better and some worse. And agreed re the whole Kate Middleton thing....why do we have to shame her just because she took a dam photo in a dress a couple days after giving birth?
Plus come on, Kate Middleton gets to go home immediately after the picture and is probably tended by doctors and nannies, you name it...it's not like she is pushing herself to run a 5k hours post partum. And she HAS to be there, as stupid as it may be. I'm sure that's probably not what she wanted...also she broke protocol as I believe they normally birth at home but she's the one wanting to go to the hospital.
Also regarding Kate Middleton, women get huffy about it but forget that they ALL could look that stunning if they needed to pose for a photo that will be seen around the world. Sure, she likely had someone do her hair and makeup and she had on a cute dress, so what? It's what she had to do, and if any of us 'everyday" moms arranged that for ourselves, we;'d look just as good. Nothing to get upset about.
@runsomewhere I also thought it was interesting how people have reacted to Kate Middleton's pics. All I could think is good for her, I'd take advantage of the army of stylists too if I had it! And just because she had an army of people help make her look beautiful for 5 minutes in front of the camera doesn't mean she wasn't tired or in pain. I mean really, up walking around in heels and pantyhose right after giving birth doesn't seem like a picnic to me, must take a certain kind of super hero strength to pull that off and look happy about it. Probably pretty sucky to have to be "on" all the freaking time. I don't think she was being fake, its like marching orders she has to obey, plus not continuing to inconvenience the other moms there just by being in the same place. Can you imagine if she didn't? People would be just as vicious, or possibly more. I'd like to think that as soon as they got home and away from the cameras, she got to be a normal mom again, put on something comfy, get rest and snuggle the baby.
As far as the hot mess mom thing goes, I don't think it's cute either, but H and I are both serious type A over achiever types and while I don't want to be a hot mess, I'm trying to find a way to help us both manage our expectations ahead of time for how hard it will be because otherwise we'll push beyond what is good for us. So I guess I'm trying to give myself permission ahead of time to be the gross unshowered mom for a while as I figure it out, but also know my OCD and control freak self just won't allow it for long even if it's what I need.
I couldn't give a f*ck about what society says I should or shouldn't be, but I'm trying to prepare my family and friends that I might actually need help in various ways, because they all stupidly think I'm some really strong person. And they all already have super unrealistic expectations of me and how I'm going to handle being a sleep deprived, confused new parent. I'm not strong, I'm just really stubborn. When my brother passed away, only H helped me, no one else. All anyone ever said about me was how strong I was and how strong I needed to be for my parents, other brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Like WTF, how come the family member that was closest to him had to be the strongest and didn't get to be a freaking disaster? How come I wasn't allowed to ask for help or be weak or be allowed to do anything other than keep everyone else's shit together and get all the arrangements made because everyone else was too lost to do it?
Sorry, that turned into a rant there, didn't mean to, but I am just trying to find ways to mentally prepare myself and H ahead of time and give us both permission to be the hot mess if that's what we need. Hopefully we just don't get stuck in permanent hot mess mode! :-)
I wish I would have had more warning on the immediate PP time.... that was NO JOKE. I know every kid is different, and after talking to others I realize I could have had it much, much worse. FTMs, I know pregnancy sucks... but brace yourself for that first month (or months) PP it may not be that hard for everyone, but I am a firm believer in prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
But I do have to agree the over the top articles and memes about having to have wine to deal with your toddler, children, etc can be overboard. I can't help but feel like it's a slap in the face to those out there who are dealing with tougher circumstances than my own.
@lindsayleigh1989 *hugs* i can’t handle tantrums and whining. During a call yesterday everyone could hear DS whining the entire time. No form of food or tv bribing helped me. May the force be with you!! Hope tomorrow is better.
I'm not sure of i mentioned this before or not. However I was talking to a female coworker and she has had 2 kids. She told me that at week 2 of pp, those emotions are going to coming flooding in. She said it may come sooner or later, however it is coming. She said to take it day by day, cry it out, ask for help, and DO NOT feel ashamed for feeling this way. I think this has been one of the most comforting and real advice I've been given. A lot of women do not want to talk about it, which is sad. I'm very thankful for this bmb and for women such as my coworker, to bring the reality to light and not make it this big horrible hush hush thing.
Re Kate Middleton...she's one lucky lady to be able to go home and recover. More power to her for looking as damn good as she does 7 hours after giving birth. I think I'll be too worried about leaking blood down my legs...lol
Edit: fixed bomb to bmb, even though our bmb is definitely bomb.com
@zombiehoohaa I thought the same thing about Kate Middleton...how awesome they let her leave after 7 hours so she could recover at home. I'm over here asking DH if we can vacate ASAP so I can be home in my own bed and he's like...but then reality hits so much sooner! Can't we be at the hospital the two days they allow us to ONLY think about the baby? lol
Someone said it but my thought regarding "hot mess moms" is that we throw so much imagery out there via tv/movies/memes that women believe we are supposed to do things a certain way. It would be much more helpful if we allowed people time to just be themselves and deal with life changes in their own way( I mean, assuming its not detrimental to theirs or others' health). @noideawhatshesdoing you're mentioned below the TW just didn't want to tag you IN it, in case you avoid them!
TW child loss
when my mom and DD died on both occasions people did the whole, "You're so strong!" thing. I think I am a pretty strong person, but especially after DD passed I just wanted to be a mess and have it be ok! Luckily, that's largely what people expected but the whole, "strength" thing had been pushed on me so much since my mom died, and then I had to take care of my bro because he was a mess and still an addict so I had to step up then, I struggled with how much of a mess I was pretty much constantly after DD; I couldn't be strong and didn't know if that was ok. My therapist basically called out that I had never thought it was ok to be vulnerable, and I needed to give MYSELF permission to just be what I needed to be at that time, and ALSO let people know that I DO need help sometimes, and to not be a martyr and just suck it up. It's amazing what admitting to not being super woman has gotten me in terms of understanding and help!
I think excellent points were made, and I'm so glad to have this BMB ! I honestly am focusing more on the PP period than on birth at this point. Definitely chatting with DH about the whole thing and being as honest as possible. I'm sure we are not as prepared as we think we are but we are ahead of the game. It helps that he genuinely wants to know stuff and be involved.
@SmashJam hugs! I felt the same after my chemical pregnancy (not comparing to your loss of course) and the stress I was enduring at work at the same time. People were like BE STRONG, you're strong you've got this. But all I wanted was not being strong. In fact, I took time to be completely whiny and miserable, and after a couple of months I made the decision it was time to get out of the "sorrow pool". I did have support throughout but I didn't feel the need to go superwoman about it. It wasn't pretty.
Since there is no TW, I'll bitch about it here. Sorry for the novel. So DH needs a CROWN. like, wtf. I'm pissed because...
-he doesn't go to the dentist for 5 years -he finally goes after I MAKE THE APPOINTMENT -he gets a cleaning and a couple of filling -he is persuaded to start the Invisalign and agrees to the treatment without consulting me and WITHOUT GETTING AND ESTIMATE OR AN INVOICE -I have to wrestle with the dentist (who's super spacey and messy) to get an invoice, considering DH already blew all the HSA funds that his company had given us to pay for the treatment... -turns out one of the filling should have been a root canal instead! Cue another $1300, and our insurance max that they'll pay per year is $2000... -guess what, now he got the root canal and needs a crown!
I love him to death but he has zero long term planning skills. Like, I'm ok with him getting braces, he needs them, but maybe start treatment this fall? Split up all this work? Get an estimate and check insurance first? Nope. And all of this btw when we literally JUST decided to split all our medical expenses moving forward. So, wtf, I spent $$$ of my money for his braces...plus all the baby expenses coming up....Le sigh...
Between this and taxes I'm ready for April to be over as it's been such a blow for our finances. I know we are doing ok but it's so stressful to have all these expenses at once. He feels so bad about it and has apologized profusely so I don't want to be mad at him (he's also been in so much pain, it sucks), but I told him this is a lesson learned and moving forward we need to run by each other any "cosmetic" or unnecessary medical expense over $500.
@kissableviv sounds like something i went through with DH a few years ago. I’ll tell you he still hasn’t gone back for a regular check up. Men! Preventative care is there for a reason and it’s free!!!
I don't want to adult today... I shut off my alarm and slept until 9 because I needed it. Spent the rest of the day working from bed with meeting after meeting. So email can sit for another day because i'm not going to juggle meetings, emails, and instant message pop up meetings at the same time any more. Good news is I can see some definition in my ankles again! Now i just need to turn italian sausage into something yummy and make it through bath time!
ETA - totally forgot to weigh in on the "hot mess" topic. unhelpful but I agree a little bit with both sides. I whole heartedly agree we need to talk about it openly - PP especially is NOT an easy time for anyone. I think bringing attention to the subject is a good thing, but agree good intentions sometimes go to ridiculous on reality tv. I like the Kristen Bell Mom-splaining videos as a middle-road of frank sometimes crass commentary on motherhood but it's not a pity party. I think there's also a difference between venting/airing bad thoughts and really feeling that way. There are def days that my toddler and husband drive me nuts and I wish I could just drink a glass of wine and shut them out for an hour or two - but I'm an adult so I take deep breaths and mother on.
@kissableviv unforeseen dental expenses are the worst. FWIW the crown is not cosmetic, its necessary to protect the root canal, but I assume you meant the invisalign, which definitely is cosmetic. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately about finances and random expenses popping up, it is no fun to stress over but I guess it's part of being an adult. blah.
I got home from my wife appointment a bit ago, and honestly left there for the 2nd time in a row feeling defeated and like I just wanted to cry. I'm sure part of it is hormones, but it feels like every single time I go there I am told different things by different midwives and slowly but surely bits and pieces of my hopes for my birth are being stripped away. I'll do whatever is best for my baby's health, but I feel recommendations are being made based on fear of being sued and not based on me and my baby. Like how can you sit there and say you recommend induction at 39 weeks when you have never looked at my blood sugar log, have not seen the ultrasound report from my last ultrasound, and I am only 28 weeks and have not begun NSTs to see how the baby is yet? How can you tell me I am at risk for shoulder dystocia due to the higher likelihood of the head being smaller than the abdomen, yet completely ignore my ultrasound from 2 weeks ago when every measurement was perfectly proportional and nothing indicated any risk of that? Yeah, these things will continue to need to be monitored as we get closer, I get that, but sitting here right now how can you even know what is recommended when you don't have all the facts? I guess my expectations and wishes for prenatal care are unrealistic and maybe I need someone to slap me back into reality.
@zande2016 you got it, I meant the Invisalign. That's what eating up the yearly max that the insurance will pay which means the rest is now on us (thankfully in a percentage). I'm glad he is getting the work done because I hate to see him in pain!
I think you are absolutely right and need to advocate for yourself and continue to ask questions. This is your birth and they have no right to push you in a different direction because it's easier for them if they aren't looking at the full picture .I know it is not easy to do when you're hormonal and pregnant but don't give up on the birth you want unless you feel like the risks out weigh the benefits.
@kissableviv I feel like at my last two appointments, I questioned them, and they were caught off guard and flustered by the fact that I was asking questions. I am truly trying to understand things and feel like I am getting so much push back for it. That's the part that's really bugging me I guess. I want someone who welcomes questions and can have a discussion with me, not jump on the defensive. I am meeting with a potential doula tonight and hoping she can give some insight....I know she is not a doctor and cannot make medical decisions/recommendations, but she works a ton with my midwife group and has only great things to say about them, so maybe she can provide some insight I am not thinking about.
This baby is so wiggly! especially in the evening. Probably why I had a dream that my stomach stretched and her foot pushed out 6 inches and than we saw her face the same way! haha creepy and weird so glad thay was a dream but it definitely feels like I am going to start feeling specific apendages soon.
@kissableviv thank you and I hope you have a great appointment tomorrow! My appointment went really well, everything looks great and she is now 2lbs 11oz, 51st percentile.
@zande2016 I'm so sorry that you're feeling let down and defeated. It does seem like they think your care is "too risky" and they don't want to take it on. While I can respect that they would turn away women who they believe are safer in the care of a hospital/OB it is disappointing that you're getting the run around like this.
Are there specific things abut a hospital birth that you're concerned about? Many hospitals really do provide a very supportive environment and do everything they can to support your wishes regarding birth. You can also hire a doula to support you and advocate for you during a hospital birth.
@runsomewhere they are still caring for me, but risked me out of their birth center. They will deliver me at the hospital across the street. Yesterday I just had a lot of questions about how things will be at the hospital since I chose them for their birth center and I need to know what to expect now that I’ll be delivering at the hospital. I was told by the midwife today that they’ll recommend induction at 39 weeks because I have GD and am on metformin - another completely different thing than what they’ve told me in the past. It just seems like I’m always being given conflicting and different info by whoever I see and it’s all just leaving a bad taste in my mouth. There’s also this weird thing where they keep saying I’m higher risk because I’m on metformin, and I keep explaining that I’ve always been on it for pcos and was not put on it for the GD, and the midwife today argued with me about this back and forth and got defensive and I just didn’t feel like I was given an actual explanation - just circular reasoning. Which is kind of the reasoning the last midwife gave me too, and I specifically asked to speak to this mysterious OB who I’ve never met or heard of and don’t even know their name who supposedly reviewed my chart and decided I’m risked out. They ignored my request to speak to this OB...I don’t understand why.
So i Met with two awesome doulas last night and we talked about the situation and they said in all the years they’ve worked with and been patients at this group, they’ve never heard of this whole OB chart review thing and the whole thing sounds to them like something must have happened recently where they started doing this, and it probably is not about me and my pregnancy but rather about them needing to preserve their relationship with the hospital. It all sounded political and just turned me off even more (if it’s true). They’re encouraging me to have a meeting with the midwife manager who runs the place and try to get to the bottom of it, and simultaneously gave me other groups/hospitals to look into.
@runsomewhere to answer your question I had a sort of traumatic experience at a different hospital with my son and wanted to go a different route this time. I chose this birth center for many reasons, like water birth, going home 4 hours after delivery, a home like environment, etc. I am not opppsed to all hospitals, but if I’m gonna be in a hospital (which at this point I’ve accepted I will be), I want it to be a different experience will much less intervention. I want to labor in water so I can avoid an epidural and I want the best shot at avoiding induction, or if I need induction, the option to use monitoring that can go into water.
@zande2016 I'm glad the doulas gave you some options, that at least gives you some places to consider! Is one of them the hospital close to you that allows the water birth that you spoke of in the past?
I understand you on the intervention wariness at a hospital, although I have the opposite in experiences. I have never birthed at a hospital and while they will allow me to labor as I wanted, I didn't really ask about induction which is dumb, however this is the ONLY HOSPITAL I can actually give birth at, so I am kind of stuck (we want a NICU, and this is the only hospital nearby that has one). I am also worried they will induce earlier when I think I need to be given slightly more time, and I am worried that I will use a more aggressive induction method than I am used to. It's on my list to ask when I have my appt next week for sure!
@kissableviv I hope your appt goes well! I am interested to see how your nugget is gaining as I have the marginal cord insertion as well as a double lobed placenta and am used to growing pretty large babes. I wont' get my growth check scan til 32 weeks.
@smashjam yeah, they recommended midwife groups for each of the two hospitals near me that I’ve heard really good things about. One of them does not have a NICU so that is something I have to take into consideration. I definitely don’t blame you for wanting that. ARe you using an OB or midwife at the hospital? That seems to make a difference in how long they let you go without induction.
@lindsayleigh1989 I keep having those same dreams and they freak me out! In my dreams I have to push him back down because he is about to break through the skin
Me: 31 DH: 34 Married: April 2016 TTC December 2016 BFP 2/28/17 // CP 3/1/17 MFI Diagnosis: Aug 2017 BFP 11/1/17 // DS born 6/18 TTC January 2019 BFP 3/21/19 // D&C (MMC) 5/8/19
Soooo I posted on the facebook parent group for my town asking if anyone had feedback on a certain midwife practice...it's like 20 minutes away and I just haven't heard much about it, but the doulas I saw spoke highly of the midwives there. Anyway, so far only one person responded to me, by PM, and I am kind of taken aback by what she said. She said from what she could tell, it is a "low income clinic" and she walked in and walked right out. Then she said if I had good insurance I should look elsewhere. Okay it's in an area that is lower income than where we live, and from their website I saw that they make a big deal about accepting Medicaid/medicaire and working on a sliding scale for families without insurance. Sort of similar to Planned Parenthood maybe, except they have medical/dental/pediatric groups too within the network. But does that somehow mean the care I would get there is less than at a group that does not accept Medicaid? I mean the group I'm at now takes it I'm pretty sure, and there are people from all income levels. Yeah, I have good insurance and pretty much every place I've looked into accepts it, but I just don't see how this place having low income patients somehow makes it a place I shouldn't go unless I have to. Am I missing something?
@zande2016 that sounds kind of snobbish... I guess I could see a clinic that isn't getting the larger payments from non medicaid/medicaire insurance having less expensive equipment or something...but I would wait to get more feedback and/or do a drop-in yourself. I think most practices/hospitals do a certain percentage of "low income" patients for tax purposes... I remember quite a wide demographic when we toured our hospital, but that doesn't mean the care is less...
@gingerbride26 she actually said in her message to me that she felt snobby saying it but it was how she felt. I feel like maybe it's the type of thing you just keep to yourself lol. I mean she had no real feedback on them except the demographic she observed in their waiting room. And my midwife office is pretty low tech in terms of equipment, but they are connected to a state of the art birth center that women come from all over to use, and they accept medicaid/care, and they have all income level clients.
@zande2016 yikes, I'm so sorry that you're getting brushed off like this, super frustrating. It also sounds like the midwives don't have the medical knowledge to be comfortable discussing your case with you. I don't see why a meeting can't be scheduled with you, the OB and the midwife. I feel like despite the outcome, if they just spoke with you and answered your questions clearly you'd be more comfortable moving ahead with whatever you need to do.
I'm also sorry that you had a traumatic birth experience at the hospital. It seems like you're being let down left and right again. For my DD's birth although I did want a hospital birth I wanted to go med free/natural and I even hired a wonderful doula. I ended up not working with the doula and having what I think you'd call an aggressive induction at 41 weeks. This time, I'm just letting it go because I feel like it's in part out of my hands.
Regarding the FB reply on the birthing center. My knee jerk reaction is to say of course it doesn't impact the care and that was snobby response of that woman. However, the truth is that for the most part, clinics and centers that cater to a large percentage of medicaid/sliding scale clients are spread super thin and often short on funds, it just comes with the territory. It is not the skill level or dedication of the staff, it's resources being spread way too thin. For that reason, this would be a deterrent for me. I know that this may not be the pretty or "correct" thing to say but I feel like that's the reality.
@zande2016 I'm really glad that you talked to doulas and I think it's a good idea to talk with the midwife manager. Regarding the other place, l wouldn't care about the demographic if the structure is safe, clean, and recommended. I understand your previous experience with the hospital wasn't great but with a doula it may be different.
@runsomewhere I wish I had your attitude of accepting it's out of my hands, because in a lot of ways it is, but I just get so emotional every time I think about it. I also had an aggressive induction, my son was born not breathing (maybe the induction was just really hard on him, I don't know), I did not like the feeling of never having any say in anything that was happening, both before, during, and after birth. Postpartum I had issues with the nurses/staff as well and I just felt like the whole experience set me up for an extremely stressful and difficult 6-8 weeks postpartum. I felt really pushed around. So I guess this time I am trying to make up for that by advocating and pushing back a lot and trying to regain some "control". But I do not have a medical degree and need to trust my medical team...I just am having a hard time trusting them. I've just been so emotional about it and felt so strongly about it, I can't even explain it really. And yeah I can see your point on being spread thin in terms of resources...I wish I could find someone with actual feedback on them aside from just seeing their waiting room.
@zande2016 I think the attitude of the staff and how responsive they are to you can make a world of difference, especially in a situation that's less than ideal like an induction.
While my OB doesn't really favor going past 41 weeks I never felt forced in to anything. I felt like everything was explained to me and I never felt out of control or stressed. I actually remember telling my husband how impressed I was with the care I received. This was after getting pumped full of pitocin and bleeding out. So yeah, feeling safe and listened to makes a world of difference.
I hope that you have a much better experience this time no matter what type of birth you have. I also want to say that your awful experience isn't the norm. Even if you have to have another induction, it is possible to feel supported and comfortable with the staff.
@zande2016 I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your midwives. I would be really frustrated as well. My MFM group will let me go to 40 weeks without an issue with GD. Personally, I wouldn't push it past 40 weeks with GD because it makes me nervous but I definitely think you can avoid an induction at 39 weeks. They can't force you. It doesn't sound like this midwife group is operating like most midwives do and they sound just like an OB to me. I would start looking for other care providers that will support what you want (OB or midwife). Maybe you can talk about doing NST's closer to your due date to make sure baby is doing fine and to allow you to go a little longer and possibly avoid induction? And see what hospitals have the options you want (birthing tubs and equipment for monitoring in the water). I hope you can find someone who will work with you and you can avoid any continued stress!
Married 9/19/09 Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
TTC#1 starting Nov. 2009 3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12 TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15. Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15. Forever in our hearts. TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
@runsomewhere I know induction is on the table for me given my risks, and a big part of my goal is trying to make sure it goes differently if I have to be induced again. I guess there is one hospital by me that is known for "gentle" inductions where they really take the pitocin slow and the doulas I met with have had induction births at this hospital where it was gentle enough that the moms were able to go without an epidural. There is also one hospital where you can still labor in the tub if you're induced because they have some sort of waterproof monitoring they can do. Thank you for the encouragement!
I've been MIA this week so I'm trying to get caught up. We took DS on a mini vacation before his baby sister arrives to Great Wolf Lodge. My son had SO much fun...if you have a location near you and you are looking for something to do with your kids, I would highly suggest a one or two night stay.
I've been having a lot of mom guilt over working full-time and splitting my time between two children so I'm super grateful for the one-on-one time with my DS and my husband.
@cseley321 I feel you on the weight gain girl. I'm hoping it slows down now that I'm 30 weeks and I have less room in my stomach. I think I'm 10lbs over what I'm supposed to be right now. I was also a smoker before I became pregnant (I know, I know...) so I think quitting contributed to the weigh gain a bit. Hang in there, it'll come off eventually right?
I think either baby is growing through a growth spurt or I am. Because I can not stop eating! Or maybe he moved down and made room for my stomach? Either way so much food consumed today and I haven't even had my "lunch" yet....
Me: 31 DH: 34 Married: April 2016 TTC December 2016 BFP 2/28/17 // CP 3/1/17 MFI Diagnosis: Aug 2017 BFP 11/1/17 // DS born 6/18 TTC January 2019 BFP 3/21/19 // D&C (MMC) 5/8/19
Re: Weekday Randoms 4/23
I also have it easy compared to a lot of people and I'm aware of that - my husband has 8 weeks paid paternity leave and 6 weeks of PTO and I'm on unpaid leave but I have an extremely flexible job plus family help at least in the first few months. But I've met a lot of moms to be who were shocked learning about the PP period and they all were saying how it is never talked about - they were freaking out as they didn't feel like they prepared enough.
We need thinhs to change and we of course need society to learn about what the 4th trimester is too so we can reform our system when it comes to maternity leave. Whatever it takes!
However, it is not up to "society" to cut me slack and it's not up to "society" to validate my life and my feelings, be it a hot mess life, a put together life or both.
These memes and articles typically aren't about about moms that are right postpartum these are general mom things, like this hot mess thing should be the norm.
In the end I think it hurts women more than it uplifts them and puts them in this mind frame like their sense of self and confidence are gone and no longer matter. Sure, you might chuckle at a stupid meme and momentarily relate to it during a tough moment. However at the end the message is that this is your destiny now and that you are no longer the woman you used to be.
People don't like to admit it but I think this mindset it makes women feel bad at the end of the day.
I found it interesting to see how women reacted to the recent Kate Middleton post birth pictures. The overwhelming majority of comments were either hateful "must be nice to be fake for the cameras after having a team of people working for you" or really self deprecating. I find that really sad.
As far as the hot mess mom thing goes, I don't think it's cute either, but H and I are both serious type A over achiever types and while I don't want to be a hot mess, I'm trying to find a way to help us both manage our expectations ahead of time for how hard it will be because otherwise we'll push beyond what is good for us. So I guess I'm trying to give myself permission ahead of time to be the gross unshowered mom for a while as I figure it out, but also know my OCD and control freak self just won't allow it for long even if it's what I need.
I couldn't give a f*ck about what society says I should or shouldn't be, but I'm trying to prepare my family and friends that I might actually need help in various ways, because they all stupidly think I'm some really strong person. And they all already have super unrealistic expectations of me and how I'm going to handle being a sleep deprived, confused new parent. I'm not strong, I'm just really stubborn. When my brother passed away, only H helped me, no one else. All anyone ever said about me was how strong I was and how strong I needed to be for my parents, other brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Like WTF, how come the family member that was closest to him had to be the strongest and didn't get to be a freaking disaster? How come I wasn't allowed to ask for help or be weak or be allowed to do anything other than keep everyone else's shit together and get all the arrangements made because everyone else was too lost to do it?
Sorry, that turned into a rant there, didn't mean to, but I am just trying to find ways to mentally prepare myself and H ahead of time and give us both permission to be the hot mess if that's what we need. Hopefully we just don't get stuck in permanent hot mess mode! :-)
But I do have to agree the over the top articles and memes about having to have wine to deal with your toddler, children, etc can be overboard. I can't help but feel like it's a slap in the face to those out there who are dealing with tougher circumstances than my own.
Re Kate Middleton...she's one lucky lady to be able to go home and recover. More power to her for looking as damn good as she does 7 hours after giving birth. I think I'll be too worried about leaking blood down my legs...lol
Edit: fixed bomb to bmb, even though our bmb is definitely bomb.com
Someone said it but my thought regarding "hot mess moms" is that we throw so much imagery out there via tv/movies/memes that women believe we are supposed to do things a certain way. It would be much more helpful if we allowed people time to just be themselves and deal with life changes in their own way( I mean, assuming its not detrimental to theirs or others' health). @noideawhatshesdoing you're mentioned below the TW just didn't want to tag you IN it, in case you avoid them!
TW child loss
when my mom and DD died on both occasions people did the whole, "You're so strong!" thing. I think I am a pretty strong person, but especially after DD passed I just wanted to be a mess and have it be ok! Luckily, that's largely what people expected but the whole, "strength" thing had been pushed on me so much since my mom died, and then I had to take care of my bro because he was a mess and still an addict so I had to step up then, I struggled with how much of a mess I was pretty much constantly after DD; I couldn't be strong and didn't know if that was ok. My therapist basically called out that I had never thought it was ok to be vulnerable, and I needed to give MYSELF permission to just be what I needed to be at that time, and ALSO let people know that I DO need help sometimes, and to not be a martyr and just suck it up. It's amazing what admitting to not being super woman has gotten me in terms of understanding and help!
End TW
@SmashJam hugs! I felt the same after my chemical pregnancy (not comparing to your loss of course) and the stress I was enduring at work at the same time. People were like BE STRONG, you're strong you've got this. But all I wanted was not being strong. In fact, I took time to be completely whiny and miserable, and after a couple of months I made the decision it was time to get out of the "sorrow pool". I did have support throughout but I didn't feel the need to go superwoman about it. It wasn't pretty.
-he doesn't go to the dentist for 5 years
-he finally goes after I MAKE THE APPOINTMENT
-he gets a cleaning and a couple of filling
-he is persuaded to start the Invisalign and agrees to the treatment without consulting me and WITHOUT GETTING AND ESTIMATE OR AN INVOICE
-I have to wrestle with the dentist (who's super spacey and messy) to get an invoice, considering DH already blew all the HSA funds that his company had given us to pay for the treatment...
-turns out one of the filling should have been a root canal instead! Cue another $1300, and our insurance max that they'll pay per year is $2000...
-guess what, now he got the root canal and needs a crown!
I love him to death but he has zero long term planning skills. Like, I'm ok with him getting braces, he needs them, but maybe start treatment this fall? Split up all this work? Get an estimate and check insurance first? Nope. And all of this btw when we literally JUST decided to split all our medical expenses moving forward. So, wtf, I spent $$$ of my money for his braces...plus all the baby expenses coming up....Le sigh...
Between this and taxes I'm ready for April to be over as it's been such a blow for our finances. I know we are doing ok but it's so stressful to have all these expenses at once. He feels so bad about it and has apologized profusely so I don't want to be mad at him (he's also been in so much pain, it sucks), but I told him this is a lesson learned and moving forward we need to run by each other any "cosmetic" or unnecessary medical expense over $500.
ETA - totally forgot to weigh in on the "hot mess" topic. unhelpful but I agree a little bit with both sides. I whole heartedly agree we need to talk about it openly - PP especially is NOT an easy time for anyone. I think bringing attention to the subject is a good thing, but agree good intentions sometimes go to ridiculous on reality tv. I like the Kristen Bell Mom-splaining videos as a middle-road of frank sometimes crass commentary on motherhood but it's not a pity party. I think there's also a difference between venting/airing bad thoughts and really feeling that way. There are def days that my toddler and husband drive me nuts and I wish I could just drink a glass of wine and shut them out for an hour or two - but I'm an adult so I take deep breaths and mother on.
@runsomewhere good luck with your ultrasound!
I got home from my wife appointment a bit ago, and honestly left there for the 2nd time in a row feeling defeated and like I just wanted to cry. I'm sure part of it is hormones, but it feels like every single time I go there I am told different things by different midwives and slowly but surely bits and pieces of my hopes for my birth are being stripped away. I'll do whatever is best for my baby's health, but I feel recommendations are being made based on fear of being sued and not based on me and my baby. Like how can you sit there and say you recommend induction at 39 weeks when you have never looked at my blood sugar log, have not seen the ultrasound report from my last ultrasound, and I am only 28 weeks and have not begun NSTs to see how the baby is yet? How can you tell me I am at risk for shoulder dystocia due to the higher likelihood of the head being smaller than the abdomen, yet completely ignore my ultrasound from 2 weeks ago when every measurement was perfectly proportional and nothing indicated any risk of that? Yeah, these things will continue to need to be monitored as we get closer, I get that, but sitting here right now how can you even know what is recommended when you don't have all the facts? I guess my expectations and wishes for prenatal care are unrealistic and maybe I need someone to slap me back into reality.
I think you are absolutely right and need to advocate for yourself and continue to ask questions. This is your birth and they have no right to push you in a different direction because it's easier for them if they aren't looking at the full picture .I know it is not easy to do when you're hormonal and pregnant but don't give up on the birth you want unless you feel like the risks out weigh the benefits.
@zande2016 I'm so sorry that you're feeling let down and defeated. It does seem like they think your care is "too risky" and they don't want to take it on. While I can respect that they would turn away women who they believe are safer in the care of a hospital/OB it is disappointing that you're getting the run around like this.
Are there specific things abut a hospital birth that you're concerned about? Many hospitals really do provide a very supportive environment and do everything they can to support your wishes regarding birth. You can also hire a doula to support you and advocate for you during a hospital birth.
So i Met with two awesome doulas last night and we talked about the situation and they said in all the years they’ve worked with and been patients at this group, they’ve never heard of this whole OB chart review thing and the whole thing sounds to them like something must have happened recently where they started doing this, and it probably is not about me and my pregnancy but rather about them needing to preserve their relationship with the hospital. It all sounded political and just turned me off even more (if it’s true). They’re encouraging me to have a meeting with the midwife manager who runs the place and try to get to the bottom of it, and simultaneously gave me other
groups/hospitals to look into.
@runsomewhere to answer your question I had a sort of traumatic experience at a different hospital with my son and wanted to go a different route this time. I chose this birth center for many reasons, like water birth, going home 4 hours after delivery, a home like environment,
etc. I am not opppsed to all hospitals, but if I’m gonna be in a hospital (which at this point I’ve accepted I will be), I want it to be a different experience will much less intervention. I want to labor in water so I can avoid an epidural and I want the best shot at avoiding induction, or if I need induction, the option to use monitoring that can go into water.
I understand you on the intervention wariness at a hospital, although I have the opposite in experiences. I have never birthed at a hospital and while they will allow me to labor as I wanted, I didn't really ask about induction which is dumb, however this is the ONLY HOSPITAL I can actually give birth at, so I am kind of stuck (we want a NICU, and this is the only hospital nearby that has one). I am also worried they will induce earlier when I think I need to be given slightly more time, and I am worried that I will use a more aggressive induction method than I am used to. It's on my list to ask when I have my appt next week for sure!
@kissableviv I hope your appt goes well! I am interested to see how your nugget is gaining as I have the marginal cord insertion as well as a double lobed placenta and am used to growing pretty large babes. I wont' get my growth check scan til 32 weeks.
Edited because I can’t type when I’m tired
TTC December 2016
BFP 2/28/17 // CP 3/1/17
MFI Diagnosis: Aug 2017
BFP 11/1/17 // DS born 6/18
TTC January 2019
BFP 3/21/19 // D&C (MMC) 5/8/19
I'm also sorry that you had a traumatic birth experience at the hospital. It seems like you're being let down left and right again. For my DD's birth although I did want a hospital birth I wanted to go med free/natural and I even hired a wonderful doula. I ended up not working with the doula and having what I think you'd call an aggressive induction at 41 weeks. This time, I'm just letting it go because I feel like it's in part out of my hands.
Regarding the FB reply on the birthing center. My knee jerk reaction is to say of course it doesn't impact the care and that was snobby response of that woman. However, the truth is that for the most part, clinics and centers that cater to a large percentage of medicaid/sliding scale clients are spread super thin and often short on funds, it just comes with the territory. It is not the skill level or dedication of the staff, it's resources being spread way too thin. For that reason, this would be a deterrent for me. I know that this may not be the pretty or "correct" thing to say but I feel like that's the reality.
While my OB doesn't really favor going past 41 weeks I never felt forced in to anything. I felt like everything was explained to me and I never felt out of control or stressed. I actually remember telling my husband how impressed I was with the care I received. This was after getting pumped full of pitocin and bleeding out. So yeah, feeling safe and listened to makes a world of difference.
I hope that you have a much better experience this time no matter what type of birth you have. I also want to say that your awful experience isn't the norm. Even if you have to have another induction, it is possible to feel supported and comfortable with the staff.
Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues
TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui
TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12
TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks
Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15. Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15. Forever in our hearts.
TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
I've been having a lot of mom guilt over working full-time and splitting my time between two children so I'm super grateful for the one-on-one time with my DS and my husband.
@cseley321 I feel you on the weight gain girl. I'm hoping it slows down now that I'm 30 weeks and I have less room in my stomach. I think I'm 10lbs over what I'm supposed to be right now. I was also a smoker before I became pregnant (I know, I know...) so I think quitting contributed to the weigh gain a bit. Hang in there, it'll come off eventually right?
TTC December 2016
BFP 2/28/17 // CP 3/1/17
MFI Diagnosis: Aug 2017
BFP 11/1/17 // DS born 6/18
TTC January 2019
BFP 3/21/19 // D&C (MMC) 5/8/19