How do I stop hating myself and stand up for myself instead?

lexigirl1228 · April 2018

I am a person who is the definition of "all bark and no bite". I set so many rules for my twins, but never follow them because I am a people pleaser. Yes, I know, kids should come first, but I have a lot of issues due to being raised by a very controlling man and it has made me very timid.

Now, onto what happened earlier. A woman came to my door for some random thing I can't even really remember what. She saw my twins crying on my recliner and asked if she could hold one while helping herself into my home. I didn't even know how to react so I just told her to wash her hands and handed her one of my precious babies. Then, I realized she had her shoes on (a big NO in my home), AND reeked like cigarette smoke and I won't even let my own mother hold my boys if she's smoked and not showered.

It was a combination of me not wanting to start a conflict and me being caught off guard that let me to make such a huge error in judgement, possibly putting us all in danger. I live in an apartment building by the way that is supposed to be locked so I assumed who was at the door was just a neighbor or my mother who I was expecting to come over, though I couldn't hear who was at the door because my boys were crying.

It was the worst mistake in my life. I don't need any lectures on how stupid I was. I'm aware of it and already heard it from myself, my mother, and my husband. I just want to know SHOULD I forgive myself, and if I should how? I also need advice on how to stand up for my sons. I feel so pathetic. I spent years letting people control me and I really thought I'd be different now that I'm a mother. The only thing I can do now is hate myself and pray my son doesn't get sick/have any harm come to him from being held by a smoker.

I just finished crying so hard. Insult me all you want below, I deserve it.

kiki75 · April 2018

I just finished crying so hard. Insult me all you want below, I deserve it.

This line is what really makes me feel like what you need is counseling. Not insults.

It worked out okay. The fact that someone came into your home wearing shoes and that someone who has smoked held your baby aren’t the end of the world. You absolutely don’t have want him to be continuously exposed to third hand smoke but once isn’t terrible.

Go go give him a bath, put him in fresh clothes, and count that and your resolve to not do that again as making it up to him. Then snuggle him up and know he forgives you and loves you.

Find some help. It sounds like you would be happier and could use some tools. In the meantime, try practicing with small things. For example, if someone apologizes for something and it was a big deal and wasn’t an accident, don’t say, “It’s okay.” or anything like that. If it wasn’t okay, don’t say it was. Try thank you or apology accepted. It seems small but it’s a first step in changing a mindset and telling yourself that you don’t put up with crap from people.

Be kind to yourself. Extend yourself the same grace you would others.

lexigirl1228 · April 2018

I agree I need counseling and should've gotten some while I was pregnant.

My social anxiety is so bad and with the -7 hours of sleep I get each night (my boys decided the last 2 weeks they'd go back to being on different feeding schedules so I'm constantly feeding again at night), my anxieties are even worse. Add in the fact that I've left the house less than 10 times in the past 3 months and stayed home my whole pregnancy (we couldn't really afford to go out anywhere) on top of that, I don't even know how to talk to people anymore. I started improving with it but because I had to quit my job (I dealt with very toxic chemicals) and was home all of the time and still am, all of my progress has been reversed.

Your words are very helpful though. I needed to read that, thank you. I've just never been so angry at myself.

muggle621 · April 2018

I agree some therapy would help immensely . I hope you’re also open to taking meds if recommended by a doctor . I take meds for post partum anxiety and they have helped so much .

ashtuesday · April 2018

@kiki75 said it well - everything turned out okay, so you don't need to beat yourself up over what could've happened (but didn't). Take it as a learning experience, snuggle your boys, breathe, and move forward.

Since you said these issues go back to your childhood, therapy could be a great idea. My doctors were concerned I would have PPD, so they had told me there are therapists (who are covered by most insurance) that you could text, call, or Skype. That could make it more accessible as a new mom.

It sounds like there are some other things that you know would help you. Find a way to get some sleep - ask your mom to spend the night or allow yourself to use some formula at night if that means your husband can pitch in on some feedings. Get out if you know being cooped up is driving you crazy - take a walk outside, or go walk around the mall if it's still cold where you are. Be kind to yourself!

sassypants2010 · April 2018

I agree with previous comments. But if you want to prevent that happening just keep in mind that by 'pleasing' an adult you could be opening your baby up to danger. When my oldest was born I had a woman approach me at the park in the complex we had just moved into asking to hold my baby, thinking she was a neighbor i hasn't met I wanted to be polite sso I handed him over. She started walking away from me quickly and I started screaming like a crazy person, which caused the old man next door to run up to her and grab my baby away. I called the cops and reported the incident since she took off after Randal had saved my baby. That has haunted me for almost 6 years even though he was not harmed and now I am a damn mama bear that won't let any one touch my kids unless I absolutely know them. I am not shaming you just wanted to put it in perspective what people please could cost your children, what helped me was thinking that a strangers happiness should never outweigh my child's safety or comfort.

maelily15 · April 2018

I also agree that therapy could be a huge benefit to you. No need to shame you- we’ve all made poor choices when we’re extremely sleep deprived- I accidentally shut the screen door on my toddler’s hand just yesterday because I couldn’t see that she had reached her hand out the front door to ring the doorbell (diaper bag was blocking my view). Btw, she was fine, not even a red mark. I felt bad about it but once I realized she was ok, I let it slide.
Based on your comment about not really being able to afford going out too much these last few months and having had to quit your job, I’d assume that you probably qualify for government assistance like WIC and medical assistance. WIC- Their office is great- they have breastfeeding support groups in many areas and often have staff on hand to assist with issues like postpartum depression and anxiety. My old county had a not for profit who had social workers on staff who would come to your home to do check ins (for you and baby). Your local WIC or social services or even your doctor should be able to provide you with some support resources.
You will make plenty more mistakes as a parent and your children will turn out ok. I do really highly recommend calling and reaching out to see what options are available in your area. Even the hospital where you delivered can put you in touch with some resources- ask for the patient advocate and tell them you’re struggling with anxiety and they will know who to refer you to.

lexigirl1228 · April 2018

@sassypants2010 thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so glad your child is okay, I couldn't even imagine that happening. Your words are inspiration to me to improve and do better, thank you, and you are not being judgemental at all! I have since reported the woman to the company she was associated with and they are looking into this incident. Sort of too late but I figure it's a step forward in the direction of not being afraid to displease people.

@maelily15 I have WIC but having twins and a husband who works 2 jobs, it is incredibly difficult for me to even leave the apartment especially without babies. The therapy suggestions are helpful but besides thethe difficult I have leaving the house with twins, the only therapy my insurance covers through my doctor is Wheeler Clinic which I used to go to but it is awful. They gave me a half-ass diagnosis by someone who wasn't even a doctor, and made me pee in a cup in front of someone (did I mention I had social anxiety) to drug test me once a month in order to stay in the program because they assume we all must do drugs if we are low income instead of maybe just being a college grad down on her financial luck

lexigirl1228 · April 2018

@ashtuesday believe me, if I could get out of the house, I would! Bringing both carseats at the same time is impossible and I can't leave one boy in my car while I fetch the other. I have to keep my carseats inside because if my car gets stolen again I cannot afford to replace the carseats, so leaving them in my car isn't an option. I'm definitely not a home body though, and it kills me to see the sun shining and not even be able to just stand outside. Unfortunately I don't have much support from anyone but my mother (funny how people tell you how they will be around to help when you are pregnant). My mother's a smoker and the third hand smoke is just not worth it and she's sometimes more stress than help when she's here anyway (sorry if I start to rant for a second). Like any time the babies start crying she panics and makes more noise ON TOP OF the screaming with her panicking and tells me to make them stop because it "breaks her heart" which is super annoying and stresses me out even more like yes Mom I'm letting my babies cry on purpose, let me just get off the toilet mid-stream

knutty3 · April 2018

@lexigirl1228. Stay strong twin mom! It's a tough job (speaking from experience) and there's enough guilt there that you don't need to beat yourself up more. We are cheering you on!

lexigirl1228 · April 2018

@knuttyplus2 you guys are going to make me cry with all of the support! It is definitely not easy. Everyone just keeps telling me "it gets easier" which is all you can really say and I'm sure it's true, but that doesn't help me at 2 in the morning when I keep dozing off while Baby B is trying to latch or when Baby A is screaming to be fed while Baby B is in the bathtub being cleaned a blowout because God forbid we accept cheap diapers from my mom who felt awful when I told her those diapers aren't good at holding poopy (yet somehow fantastic at holding pee)

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lexigirl1228 · April 2018

Alright, I have another test tomorrow. Daddy is a car guy and will be showing his car at a carshow tomorrow. I want them to be around daddy's passion and it also gives us a chance to be out for a few hours, so we are going. I (or rather the babies) am (are) going to be ambushed, I already know, as he personally knows many people who attend that carshow every year. Especially by his sister-in-law who is already planning on harassing the babies when we get there. Since it is an outside event and they are only 2 months old, I wouldn't be comfortable having people hold or touch them because I don't need to be stuck with sick babies. But I really don't want to offend his sister in law because we have a good relationship. But their safety is more important and I need to remember that. I also don't want her following us around the whole time but I don't know how to hint at that. I feel like I'd need to be focused on her instead of going out with my family. I'll reread this thread before I leave tomorrow.

knutty3 · April 2018

@lexigirl1228. Speaking from experience of twin boys, one has already been readmitted to hospital due to a virus and we are on pins and needles to see if the other will follow despite our isolation and handwashing techniques, DO NOT hesitate to tell people NO for that reason. Blame a pediatrician if you need to! And bring Purel for family, use it liberally and give it out to those you are ok with being near your children. Otherwise, blame the car seat as to why you won't take them out...too much work or they are sleeping, etc. Also, I find out of sight, out of mind. In other words, use a car seat cover or suspend a blanket over the handle ....seems too help keep people at bay. Good luck and stay strong!!

shoretobe · April 2018

The car seat cover sounds like a great idea. Would it discourage people if you wear one of the babies? (I’m not sure...just a thought).
Remember too you don’t have to answer right away - give yourself a moment to see what your how you feel about it if someone asks to hold/touch the babies. Like knuttyplus2 said you can blame the doctor or excuse yourself to check diapers etc.
One other thought is can you set up a separate meeting with the sister in law - maybe she could come for a visit and you can feel more in control of the environment; that way you can explain you don’t want to take the babies out of the carriers with so many people around?
Good luck! I hope it’s a great outing for the family

lexigirl1228 · April 2018

@knuttyplus2 thank you so much! I am reading this as I am doing my last feeding before we leave and it is definitely that last kick in the ass motivation I needed. I'm glad your babies are okay and I am glad you shared your experience with me! I'm just afraid people will touch their faces without my permission, as my neighbor did that when they were in their carseats (and did it before I or my fiancé could even react AND she's a heavy smoker *groan*). God I feel like a scared child haha but you guys really are giving me that extra confidence. I don't have many friends so it's nice that I can come here and feel the same support I'd get from a friend.

@shoretobe I was actually thinking of wearing one and then having my fiancé wear the other (I have 2 Boba wraps) or just try to wear both. We use light blankets as carseat covers so we can definitely utilize those if I decide to go with the stroller. And you said exactly what I do: the reason why the first incident happened is because I don't allow myself time to think because I'm anxious that it'll get awkward, especially since I wear my emotions plain on my face so I try to move the conversation along as quickly as possible. Word vomit, if you will haha.
For some reason she is texting me acting like I'm going there just to bring my children personally to her since I didn't bring them to her house yesterday when she randomly texted me to come over as if it doesn't take hours to get ready. I am going to spend time with my family which we don't get to do often so I hope she doesn't hover over us the whole time too. You guys see how I work myself up about this crap haha I tend to just dwell on things that bother me and they always end up being fine.
Sorry for the incontinuity by the way. He's my fiance but I use husband as well I realized I used that earlier). It's annoying how entitled people think they are to our children sometimes, but y'all are definitely being a positive influence on me

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