GTKY: How do you deal with the green-eyed monster while TTC?

zamoraspin · April 2018

ETA **General trigger warning that living children, pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and issues related to IF and failed treatment for IF are likely to be discussed in this thread **

Shout out to @professormama for the idea for this thread. The topic is envy, but isn't necessarily limited to that concept -- sometimes being around those who have had an easier road achieving pregnancy and/or a take home baby is deeply painful for those who are/have struggled. Envy probably isn't always a fair or big enough word for that feeling. Please be respectful of others, as this is likely to be an emotional topic. Not trying to be exclusionary or play in the pain Olympics, but if you haven't been ttc for more than a few cycles or haven't experienced a loss, this might be a place to learn about what others are going through and ask questions as opposed to give answers.
Here are some questions to prompt us:

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)?

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of?

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others?

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner?

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid?

dpjennifer · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? Unexplained RPL. 4 MC.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? Envy and Anger are pretty much a daily part of my life at this point in my TTCAL journey. I know this post will make me no friends, but I am envious of almost everyone at this point. I envy those who get KU without even trying, especially those who seem 'undeserving.' I am envious of anyone who waits less than a year to get PG, and has a happy unicorn and glitter PG with no complications or losses. And even more (sorry to all my amazing TTCAL ladies) but I'm even envious of people who've had an earlier loss or two, who go on to get PG soon after with their rainbows. Unfortunately, despite all the baby talk everywhere, not everyone who wants to birth their own baby ends up with one. After years on this journey, I'm desperately afraid that I'm going to be the one empty handed. It makes me beyond envious and angry.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? HA! No! I'm in therapy, I take happy pills, I have a medical accommodation at work, and yet I still feel like I hate everyone.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? This struggle has caused many more outbursts with my mother (who keeps telling me to "Just keep trying" or "It will happen when you least expect it" or "Maybe don't stress so much") The discussion over whether or not we're open to adoption, and when we will stop trying on our own, has caused serious tension with DH and I.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Anything that involves kids, babies, newborns, PG women, etc.

suzycupcake · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? pcos, infertility, low p, etc. We have been trying for 6 years; with 5 medicated cycles. Hio has not always been easy for us. And now that I have this constant fear of never getting pregnant again, it makes it even harder to have hope.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? Yes, I'm envious of women who get pregnant and don't experience m/c. I'm envious of people who have children in general.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? Yes, I tell myself to stop it. Really, that's what I do. Most of the time it works. That's probably not a very good coping skill.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? It has made me more open about my struggle. It has given me a platform to educate people. I also think that on the negative side, it has wrought some heavy feelings of discouragement and anger. Funny, I was just thinking that the majority of my friends don't have children due to choice or not by choice. I'm not sure how that happened.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Baby showers and kids birthday parties. Commercials about pregnancy, etc. I cry when I see people with their kids and think, I hope they know how lucky they are! This has only recently started happening. I think that loss adds an entirely new dimension.

professormama · April 2018

Since I was the one who wanted to discuss this, I'll respond. And thank you for starting this thread. This is deeply personal, btw, and it involves acknowledging some things that I think aren't very "pretty" about the TTC process.

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? I had a miscarriage on Dec. 30, 2013. Then I had my son (a little early) in Nov of 2014. We have been trying to get pregnant again on and off for about a year, but only seriously trying for about 5 months now.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? I struggled with a lot of grief and envy after my miscarriage. My cousin (who had no idea, to be fair to her), announced her 2nd pregnancy very shortly after my miscarriage; and her baby was born almost exactly a week after mine would have been due. Even as irrational as it was, i felt so unreasonably angry that she would get two when I didn't even have one. This time around, as we are trying again, and after months plus an apparent anovulatory cycle, I'm starting to grapple with the realization that I'm nearly 5 years older than I was the first time, and that pregnancy might not happen as easily. While I had to struggle with MC before, at least it had been easy for me to conceive. Now, this time, it appears that it won't be easy to conceive either. So, as I'm watching my instagram and facebook fill up with many women having second and third children, and even KNOWING that there are almost certainly other women suffering silently with none, and knowing that I'm lucky to have one baby in my arms, I still feel sad, angry, resentful, and exhausted by the fact that yet again, this TTC experience is not going to be easy or pain free.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? Honestly, all I've got right now is self-absorbed whining, and a few good friends who are willing to support and listen to me, though none of them have been through this.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? This is such a complicated question for me! I'm sort of at the point where I don't want to try anymore. I hate the pressure, I hate feeling like a failure every month (even though I know logically I'm not one). But my DH wants to ramp up the trying. In my family, I have an adopted sister, and I'd be very happy to adopt. I was lucky enough to experience pregnancy to term once, and I don't feel like I need to do it again to have another child. BUT, like I said, my DH isn't ready to go that route. Soooo we are still trying, and apparently ramping it up with OPKs and maybe temping, plus I'm going to the doctor in a few weeks to try to figure out a little bit better what's going on. I don't resent him for pushing to keep trying, but it sucks. And I don't feel like I can whine too much about this to him, because we just moved for my career. He made huge personal and professional sacrifices to move for me, so I feel like making the emotional sacrifice of dealing with these feelings is the least I can do. (if that makes sense??)

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Right now, no. Although after my MC it took me a long time to feel like I could get on social media again because it just killed me to see the pregnancy and birth announcements filling it up.

professormama · April 2018

@dpjennifer oh my, the "just keep trying," and "it will happen," relentless positivity is so rough. It SOUNDS supportive, but instead it hurts. I'm sorry.

@suzycupcake I think the being open about struggle thing is so tough, but important. I find it easy to be open with people I actually trust, but I've never had the guts to be truly open more broadly than my few close friends. I never posted about my MC on facebook, and all these years later I never have. I don't think I want to deal with the responses. There are so many people who say things that are intended to be kind but just hurt instead (like above).

dpjennifer · April 2018

suzycupcake I imagine that telling yourself to Stop It and actually listening to yourself is a MUCH better coping method than just seething in anger and imagining punching people in the face. Now I envy your ability to have self control!

zamoraspin · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? Unexplained RPL.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? I am most envious of women who are noticeably pregnant. I feel like a failure that I have not been able to have a successful pregnancy and seeing women with big round bellies brings it home hard for me. I really dislike feeling so envious. I do feel happy for women I know while also feeling like there is a deep pit of envy inside of me.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? As to pregnant ladies, not so much. Depending on the day, infants and young children are a little hard too, but I often am able to tell myself that kids (and especially infants) are a real pain in the butt sometimes, and that the parents are probably sleep deprived and frazzled.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? I think it has made my relationship with DH stronger, although of course the mandatory timed BD has put a strain on our intimacy. DH often says this is the worst of times and if we can get through this we can get through anything. I have given up on one particular pregnant friend because of things that she said that were insensitive. I have also gotten a little closer with my step mom, who is the only person I know of IRL who has experienced RPL.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Baby showers, pregnancy announcements (please stop ambushing me, I want to be told via text), parties that are full of tiny humans. I also have un-followed all my FB friends who are pregnant/recently gave birth and only check their pages when I am up to it.

galactickates · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)?
I realize I've only been trying since July of last year. I'm not at a year mark of trying, and I realize most of you know my story but for those of you who don't, last Oct I found out I was pregnant. I thought I had a uti before my dating appointment so I went in to the doctor for some relief. LO was measuring a bit behind, heard a heart beat of 161, and left my appointment with my pictures, reassured everything was fine. 5 days later on Nov 20th at my dating appointment with my husband, we found out it was ectopic. I can not legitimately express the horror I experienced that day. I'm trying to control tears as I write this. I had my left tube and LO removed in an emergency surgery. My cycles are starting to return to normal but every month that goes by I wonder what ovary is releasing an egg and additionaly I wonder if I released an egg from my right and it didn't work, that the next cycle is going to be a waste.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of?

I want to tread lightly here because I know how many people are TFAS here. Some of which I deeply care for.
I find that I am really envious of people tfas. That means they already have a child in their arms. I find it very hard to have anything sympathy for their struggles. I'm not just talking here but my irl friends too. I just want 1 baby. 1. That's it. It seems so unfair to to me that these people have the luxery of quitting ttc if they want to because they have their take home baby(s) already.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others?

Ignoring it, crying. I mean not really

I think I honestly have to literally shake the thoughts out of my head. Even remember that some of these people have had losses and their own struggles. It's definitely not easy though, and something I struggle with daily.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner?
I would say I distance myself. I really don't enjoy people talking about their kids or spending time with other people's kids. It makes me so incredibly sad.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid?
Baby showers, family get togethers, the dailies. Also people who try to give me advice about ttc when they have no idea what I'm faced with

professormama · April 2018

@galactickates I know you don't need permission to feel how you feel. But, that being said, I think it's totally fair to feel envy and resentment toward women (like myself, admittedly) who already have a take-home baby, no matter their struggles. That's kind of what this thread is about. The resentment and anger associated with loss and fertility struggles never gets acknowledge publicly, but it's such a real part of the process. It should be okay to say it.

suzycupcake · April 2018

@professormama I did post about my mc and struggle with infertility a couple of weeks ago on FB as a means to be open finally but also as a means to promote an infertility film I'm working on right now. Someone commented and said, "Am I the only one who thinks God is telling you to adopt instead?"

I was very upset by it, but I eventually responded with something along the lines of "Thank you. My husband and I have always planned to adopt and will, but not because of infertility."

@dpjennifer I think that part of that is not being around the people I grew up. My family moved around so many times and to different states that most of the friends I have now are where I currently reside. The other part is that my last job, amazingly, had many many many people who struggle with infertility and underwent treatment. So, I didn't hear much of the crazy and hurtful shit that some of you are being told on a consistent basis because they knew what it was like. I haven't been exposed to the messages that you have been.

One coworker in the past who went through ivf with his wife actually said to me, "Relax and let it happen naturally" Clearly, it's because he is a guy and the IF issue is with his wife. I couldn't believe he said that!

galactickates · April 2018

@zamora_spin I don't know how I possibly could have left out pregnant women. That is one of my biggest triggers. Knowing how far along I should be right now. I seriously can't even look at them. It makes me physically uncomfortable. I've been blind sided a Couple times. I really don't have any good coping skills for it either.

holly321 · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? Last year I had amenorrhea, then I had a molar miscarriage, was benched for 6 months following remission/chemo. Unbenched 1 cycle to be benched for a surgery. We have been trying since Feb 17, with a few months of ntnp

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of?
SIL and husband's bff's wife both got accidentally pregnant with their 3rd children, we found out around the start of my 2nd clomid cycle. Cue the ugly jealous tears, then add they both had their babies around the time I was due with my loss.

Tw, although the thread is TW, I am discussing my kids and death

I have kids, so I get I am in a different situation, we always wanted 3, but with both kids having ASD, we have to assume the next will too, which, is perfectly fine, but a few years ago, it felt like too much. With my brother's suicide, it changed my Outlook on life. Obviously, you only live once, but I want to live a life with no regrets. As much as it is scary not knowing what disablities the next will have, it is worth it. I would not change my kids for the world. I mainly worry how to find the time for all the therapies and such. Anyway, once my brother died, it hit home that we wanted another, and I needed to have a baby, something to look forward to to heal. I get this is probably emotionally messed up, but it is what it is.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others?
I have moved from envy to bitter. Bitter makes me feel better.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner?
DH used to not get it, but now we are generally bitter and jealous together. Nephew is over a month old and I have only laid eyes on him once and have never held him, which I need to do. In my defense, I have been really sick, but I still think deep down I could try harder.
DH is overly worried with my health. While the molar pregnancy/cancer was never really dangerous, the fact I was pregnant with cancer tumors really messed me up.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? I force myself to do the things I draw like baby showers and such.

Whitmore1027 · April 2018

I know this thread has the TW warnings, but I wanted to add my own TW as I am TFAS.

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? When trying for my DS, it took about 14 months to conceive. One year into trying, we got fertility tested. DH had a low-sperm count. We weren't ready to try any fertility treatments, so we decided to keep trying, and did end up getting pregnant after 14 months of negatives. We are currently trying, and it's been 4 cycles so far. I had a CP in February. So, we are worried it's going to be another long haul.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? I have always been fairly patient and never really experienced much envy the first time trying. I never like to blame others for their ability to get pregnant. But this time, it's so much harder. I am much more disappointed every time I get a negative. I think a LOT has to do with me not being afraid of having a baby anymore. When I was trying for my first, we were comfortable being just hubby and wife, and even though we knew we REALLY wanted kids, I was still scared to death to be a mom. Now that I am a mom, I know I can do it, and I know what to expect and I know what love I get from this. And it hurts SO much when our friends are pregnant with their 2nd and even 3rd baby. Not to mention my dumb ass step sister has 7 (YES 7) children, with all different partners, and she is in and out of jail due to drugs. Seriously, that pisses me off the most.

Oh and the fact that I have friends with 3 kids, and they are in their mid-20's, and we just hit our 30's. I imagined myself with multiple babies by this point, (since we wanted them closer in ages). And that hurts too.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? I pray. I don't like feeling envious of others, and I ask God to help me with those feelings. Because it's ultimately out of my control.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? Umm...not much change I think.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Just generally talking about babies with family. Because it's always the question of when we are going to have another one. My aunt CONSTANTLY asks me when we will have another baby. And I don't want to deal with telling her "Um, in fact, we are trying. But I had a CP recently". Like, please just don't talk about that subject because you don't know my situation or what's happening here.

lokibear89 · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? TCC since may last year, MMC in october and D&E in november.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? Pregnant people who I know, pregnant people who look like they are where I 'should be'. I am a pharmacist so dealing with pregnant people and babies is par for the course.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? I am very careful normally of what I say and if I'm honest not every pregnant person or pregnant announcement makes me upset. I cry occasionally and talk to people (most of which don't understand but DH does very well so at least there is that).

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? I am actually more open with them now, although conscious that I'm sure they won't want to hear about it all the time. My partner is great and to be honest I don't really need to say anything anymore, he just knows.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? I feel like its impossible to avoid really, people will tell me they are knocked up regardless of what I want to hear (and so they should its not like I wear a sign that tells people to F*** off with your happy baby bullshit)

CraftyG · April 2018

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? Loss at 13 weeks Jan 16, loss at 9 weeks Oct 17. 2 years 2 losses, no living children

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? Everyone. As I’m still quite young half my friends have their shit together and half do not and are still living in their childhood rooms. Not that there’s anyrhing wrong with that but more often than not it’s the second group that are having kids and they just seem so undeserving. Anyone who has their first unicorn pregnancy, I have this fear that my SIL or cousins etc are going to announce that their pregnant before me and everyone’s going to be so happy for them.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? I’m in therapy but I pretty much cry and have a duvet day whenever something really gets to me. Never underestimate the power of wine and a blanket

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? I’ve become a lot more private. There were other factors involved obviously but I’ve stoppef talking to my entire side of the family pretty much due to how they acted after my first loss. Me and Fi still struggle as he doesn’t like to talk about our losses/ feeling sad or envious etc while I do

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Any family events. Every single time an auntie turns it into when are you two gonna have kids or the kids are just being extra adorable. There have been 2 little boys born since we started and I’m still yet to hold them.

lulu1180 · April 2018

Thank you for starting this @zamora_spin!

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? Coming up on TTC 2 years and currently saving money to try some fertility treatments this summer, dx - AMA (advanced maternal age; over 35), DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), hyperprolactinemia

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? Just about any pregnant woman or anyone with children, especially if I know they had an easy road. Thankfully I don't encounter a lot of pregnancy announcements on social media with many friends around the same age but I still see a few and also have difficulty when friends post 95%+ pictures of their kids

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? If it's a FB thing, I unfollow them (there was one person that I unfriended around when we first started struggling) and unfortunately I feel like I have a decent list of people that I've unfollowed because of my struggles. If it's a random pregnant woman I see when I'm out and about, I try to remind myself that I don't know her story and she could have struggled to achieve that pregnancy. If it's a person that I know well and I know that their road was easy, I haven't really figured that out yet; unfortunately this list includes my mother and one of my sisters. I did have a coworker/friend tell me after she came back from maternity leave (from an unplanned pregnancy) that it was ok if I hated her and she understood if I did. That made things just a bit easier for that specific one but I still sometimes have trouble seeing pictures of her son

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? It has definitely created some strain with my mother, especially when she tells me that "it'll happen for me" or how she told me (when I admitted many years ago that I was afraid there was something "wrong" with me and I wouldn't be able to have kids) that "God wouldn't do that to you."
I have distanced myself from some friends but grown closer with others who are so incredibly supportive of me. And I have found some family, or friends, or coworkers that have struggled with infertility in the past and it has changed my view of some of these people and brought me closer when I may have barely known them.
I have been pretty open about our struggles to most people. I don't have an issue talking about it but I also try not to sound too bitter when I do. Most people are very sympathetic but a couple have still made comments and when called out on them, they still don't realize it was insensitive.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Mostly things like Mother's Day, Christmas, Easter; the holidays that are very centered around kids. I try to avoid FB on April Fool's Day although many people seem to be getting the idea that faking a pregnancy as a joke on April 1st isn't funny.

darkstar42 · April 2018

Thank you @zamora_spin for starting this.

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? TTC since March 2017, AMA, diagnosed with unexplained infertility in November 2017, three failed IUIs.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? I have been experiencing so much envy and anger lately related to TTC lately. My SIL recently had their second LO, and got ku pretty easily both times. Anyone who has an easy road to pregnancy is absolutely an envy trigger. Seeing pregnant women or those with newborns is really rough. Because I'm a bit older, most friends my age have at least two kids by now, and those who are younger are having their first. Well over a dozen friends have recently had babies or are pregnant, including three coworkers.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? I cry a lot. I started therapy recently, and that's definitely been helping, just by giving me a space to vent all of my feelings and not feel at all judged for it. With folks I know who have struggled to conceive, it's easier, because I know how much they went through to get that rainbow baby.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? I've unfollowed a LOT of people on social media, and pretty much cut off communication with nearly all my friends from grad school. I'm fairly open with sharing our struggles, but I got more hesitant about it when my best friend (who got ku twice super easily) told me to stop stressing and enjoy TTC. When I called her out on it, she didn't understand at all how she was being insensitive and just doubled down on her statements. We haven't talked in months now. I have also found out more about other friends who have struggled and what they went through, and their support has been valuable to me. I don't think this all has changed my relationship with MH, but it's definitely been a lot for us to deal with.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? I stay off of social media most of the time and avoid contact with my in-laws as much as possible. My co-workers bring in their babies sometimes, and that's pretty rough. If I'm having a particularly hard TTC day I have to hole up in my office and avoid them.

lin0442 · April 2018

@zamora_spin Great thread topic. Kind of hard to write about, but it’s good to let out. I feel like the envy is like some horrible ugly stain from this whole ttc process.

What are some of your TTC roadblocks (diagnosis, ttc history, etc.)? I got pg pretty much immediately after IUD removal, then miscarried in my 13th week after a beautiful u/s. I then didn’t get pg for over a year, and then that ended in a CP. I don’t have a true diagnosis yet, but it looks like I have a uterine abnormality.

How have you experienced envy in relation to ttc, and who do you find you are envious of? I feel like I have to deal with it every day, especially after my first mc and after that IF year mark. I’m so jealous of people who never had to worry and never had to deal with this pain. Who can just enjoy an u/s appointment and can assume a happy ending. I’m jealous of people who already have a child, when I’m not sure if I’ll be able to carry even one successfully. (I’m an only child, so I guess I’m biased about the ability of kids to deal without a sibling.) I’ve never felt this type of envy about anything else in my life, and I *hate* feeling it. There is a woman at my work who has been pregnant both times I have, but successfully, and I secretly hate her. It’s entirely my own failing, but I feel like her very presence is rubbing what I’ve lost in my face. I try to avoid her.

Have you found methods to cope with your envy of others? Mostly it’s reminding myself that envying someone else’s success has nothing to do with their choices and nothing to do with my own chances. I just try and accept that their path is different from mine and I can’t change that. It’s...a mixed success. I try to be mindful of my crummy thoughts and let them go.

How has your struggle with TTC changed your relationships with friends/family/your partner? DH and I have a great relationship still, thankfully. Sometimes I worry that I can be too much of an emotional burden for him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. It has made my relationship with my mom a little rockier- she means well, but has never gone through anything like this, so she just says some dumb stuff sometimes. I try to be forgiving and just let her know if something bothers me and she’s understanding. I feel like I’ve gotten better at communicating my emotional needs during this process. Thankfully, or I would be in a much worse place than I am now (which still isn’t too great, but hey). Most of my friends aren’t at the family stage yet, so those relationships haven’t been too strained since it’s just not a topic that comes up much.

Are there situations or events you dread or avoid? Thankfully nobody I’m close to are holding baby showers any time soon. I think I’m dreading getting pg again, even though I want it so much. I’m just so scared of going through a bad loss again.

GTKY: How do you deal with the green-eyed monster while TTC?

Re: GTKY: How do you deal with the green-eyed monster while TTC?

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