Should I Have 2 under 2?

doodleoodle · March 2016

Currently I have a 4.5 month old daughter whom I am "attachment parenting". I just kind of fell into this parenting style because it seems to be what she needs. Honestly, I'd be happy if she slept in her crib for naps and at night, but she's just not into it so we're bed sharing so that we can all get some sleep. I want another child so that my daughter can have a sibling to play with. I have 5 siblings but the closest one in age to me is 6 years older and so I was basically an only child. I have little to no relationship with all of my siblings except one and even that relationship is touch and go depending on what we have going on. I know that no matter the age gap between two siblings they may or may not get along, but I feel like the closer in age they are then the closer their interests will be so, I was thinking of an 18-24 month age gap. I have a family member with a 6 year old, 5 year old, and 3 year old who has told me to wait until my daughter is 3 to have a second child because she is so much closer to her youngest. With this baby being so clingy I can't help but wonder if she is right? I thought I'd ask the experts here lol

irohspupil · March 2016

Hey there congrats on your LO!

My LO is 8 months old, and she goes through phases of clinginess. I think it's pretty normal for young children/babies. We are just now getting to sleeping in the crib all night and for every nap.

I'm also considering bunching my children close in age also, so I'm jumping in to see what answers follow!

doodleoodle · March 2016

Thanks! @micshi

whataboutscience · April 2016

My sister and I are 15 months apart and really close. She still knows me better than DH after 12 years together. DH's parents got divorced with him their only child. He has half siblings, but they are way younger and he often felt lonely as a child. For these reasons, we chose the 2 under 2 path and are super excited. Baby 2 is due when DD will be 22 months. You have 9 months from conception, so your older child will be in a different place then and will adjust regardless. I don't know of anyone who is resentful of having a sibling close in age. There's no doubt it's a lot more work since both kids are still so dependent on you though, so it's certainly not for everyone.

doodleoodle · April 2016

Thank you for responding @whataboutscience I was beginning to wonder if anyone was out there! Haha I was reading the other day that at 1 year old a child is more likely to just accept a younger sibling and not get jealous. I'm thinking about waiting another month or two and then going for it. It will be so nice to get the baby stage over with all at once and then be able to do things as a family that both littles will enjoy.

whataboutscience · April 2016

I think it depends on the child. I was 15 months old and my mom says I literally ignored my mother (didn't look at or respond to) for an entire week when she brought my sister home. I'm a little proud of my vigilance at such a young age. Still, any kid will adjust, so I wouldn't worry about any permanent problems caused. For the record, I loved my sister immediately, just not happy with my mom.

Knottie1442268460 · April 2016

I'm 7 years older than my closest sib. But them I have one 15 years younger. We're the closest. Maybe because I bonded /held & played with her a lot. But my fam is all pretty close.

I wouldn't choose this life. I'm a foster adopt parent and my kids are sibs so it was important that they have a birth connection.

You really need to really build up those nutrients.

You will probably want to bf first longer.

i don't think age is sole factor in closeness of sibs.

3.5 is the idea age to get a sib per our therapist. It allows a good amount of time for learning comprehension.

doodleoodle · April 2016

Knottie1442268460 said:

I'm 7 years older than my closest sib. But them I have one 15 years younger. We're the closest. Maybe because I bonded /held & played with her a lot. But my fam is all pretty close.

I wouldn't choose this life. I'm a foster adopt parent and my kids are sibs so it was important that they have a birth connection.

You really need to really build up those nutrients.

You will probably want to bf first longer.

i don't think age is sole factor in closeness of sibs.

3.5 is the idea age to get a sib per our therapist. It allows a good amount of time for learning comprehension.

Is there a reason that you personally wouldn't have chosen it other than what your therapist has told you?

mrstrax · April 2016

Other than what others have said, I'd have a serious talk with your OB. Official recommendation is 2 years between pregnancies, but that obviously doesn't always happen. However, if you had any growth or nutritional issues with #1, they'll possibly want you on some additional nutrients along with a prenatal before you TTC so you can "stock up" both for your sake and Baby's.
Also, if you had a c/s, babies close together is a contraindication for VBAC, so you'd have to consider if you're okay having to have a RCS for (likely all) future babies.

doodleoodle · April 2016

Great advice @mrstrax

whataboutscience · April 2016

@mrstrax I don't know if opinions vary from doctor to doctor or it depends on your physical condition, but my OB told me I should wait at least 6 months to get pregnant again and preferably a year. He said it without me asking as if it was something he said at every postpartum appointment.

doodleoodle · April 2016

Well ladies, I decided to hold off for a bit. I wanted to talk to my doctor and I wanted to at least wait until DD is sleeping through the night. However, it looks like I'm a FH because I just got my shocking BFP on Saturday. I was super late, but I kept getting negative tests. I just kept taking them every few days though to reassure myself. I guess it was meant to be. I'm getting over my shock little by little and starting to get excited. I am worried though because it is so soon after giving birth and Dr. Google isn't helping to ease my fears.

whataboutscience · April 2016

Congratulations! Many families have done it before, and you will figure it out. Your two kids will probably grow to be very close!

doodleoodle · April 2016

@whataboutscience thank you! That's what I keep telling myself. I'll have to adapt and then after some growing pains everything will be great

Knottie1442268460 · May 2016

Chaos. I can't stand chaos.

I can't give either the full attention they need. NEED. Babywearing is good & we make do but it's not ideal.

Even the baby is jealous. Each is jealous when the other is being held. They're not old enough to process those feelings. They can't be reasoned with. They just feel left out.

You our have to make a split second decision about which is most important-a poopy diaper or a crying hungry baby. Yes, they wait just a couple of minutes but in baby time that's "forever".

Cost-you NEED a double stroller for safety. We needed a bigger house. You may need a bigger car. And we need 2 of everything where we could have passed down some more things if they weren't so close. 2 carriers, 2 high chairs, 2 ezpz plates, etc.

whataboutscience · May 2016

@Knottie1442268460 I'm sorry you're struggling, but there are moms who love having kids close in age, and your post is pretty discouraging without being very helpful toward moms that are already in a 2u2 family or will be soon.

There will be times when one has to wait for help, but the same is true of kids in day care, and it could be argued that some of that is good for them to learn patience and that others have needs too.

Also, if you use a baby carrier, I'm not clear on why you NEED a double stroller. I plan on carrying baby and strolling my toddler. Similarly, if you have a double stroller, why do you need two carriers? How often do you have someone with you wearing your other child when a stroller won't do? Many children share a room when young too. Were you in a one bedroom before? It sounds like you are putting a lot of the stress on yourself.

doodleoodle · May 2016

Thank you @whataboutscience I read @Knottie1442268460 's post and, since I'm already pregnant, got pretty overwhelmed. But then I took a step back and realized that it will be okay. Everyone will get the attention they NEED. I will definitely need to rely on help from family in the early days, to care for the older one while I adjust, but it will work out. Everything always does. I'm not too concerned about cost because we have 8 months to spread that out over. So with proper budgeting (read, cheapo stuff from IKEA and second hand stores lol) it will be doable. In some ways we will even save money. For instance, my older one will have grown out of her infant car seat by that point anyway and we will need to buy a convertible car seat. The infant seat won't have expired though, like it would have possibly if there were a larger age gap, so we can reuse it.

Having 2 under 2 is undoubtedly a struggle, but a lot of women come to this board once they are already in that boat. We should be building each other up and sharing advice in a positive/hopeful way, or at least not making it sound like it is horrible.

ginger819 · May 2016

We are expecting our second in August and DD is a year old. They'll be 15 months apart. As far as getting cleared for having a second baby (I had a normal pregnancy and no complications with DD) my ob said they say 6 months, but our bodies do miraculous things. She wasn't concerned even if we had gotten pregnant earlier. As far as our daughter getting the attention she NEEDS... I stay home with her and also babysit a 5 month old. Is it rough some days? Yes. Does DD have to learn to share and be ok with playing by herself sometimes? Yes. I think these are good things at the moment. She also gets her fair share of cuddles and attention. She is learning that I am not solely here for her entertainment.

I personally am excited to have another baby in the mix and know I'm going to have some difficult times, but it's all worth it. DH and I are both only children and both would have loved to have siblings, especially ones who were close in age. I can't wait to see them grow up together and be in very similar stages.

Dannylion24 · May 2016

Hmmm, so my first g/b set are 11 months apart and then we waited just about 4 years before having a second g/b set 15 months apart. They are the best of friends and the worst of enemies at any given moment ... It's utter chaos, but I have accepted it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel (we did manage to double up on naps for a while), even tho some days are endless. However I would never trade the age difference. I feel like my kiddos will be a team for life!

mattanda2011 · June 2016

@doodleoodle I am a little late to this but I will throw in my 2 cents.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the closeness of age of my kids. My first 2 are 15 months apart and our next one will be 2 years from the youngest. When baby comes I will have 3 kids 3 and under. Sounds like chaos to most people (and sometimes it is) but it is so much fun, and what my kids need is love and there is plenty of that to go around. I may not have enough arms to hold everyone at the same time, but my kids learn to snuggle on the couch together and hold each other as well - what could be better than that. My oldest is so great at comforting her younger brother because its necessity.

Do they fight? yes! Do they both poop at the same time? absolutely! Do they both cry and want to be held, or both find a way to wake up at alternating times on the same night? of course. But you know what else they do?They play together ALL the time, they look out for each other when they are in new situations, they ask about the other one when they are not together, they talk about how much they wish their sibling was with us if its just me with one of them. They hug and love and take care of each other. It is without a doubt the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I honestly think there is no greater joy than seeing your kids be a sibling. It is amazing.

doodleoodle · June 2016

@mattanda2011 don't mind me, I'm just over here bawling my eyes out.

janebakery · April 2018

Having a double stroller can make lots of things more convenient, especially you need to go for a trip. Like my family, my double stroller is one thing must-have for my 3 year old son every time we go out whose another seat can be used for his supplies. Now I am pregnant for 3 months now-the second one, Hmm so lots of supplies are necessary.

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