FFCF 4/6

ffw0617 · April 2018

I figured I would get it started early since you didn’t have one last week.

ffw0617 · April 2018

I’m up with a lot on my mind so I’ll start

1. I don’t get the obsession with adventurous vacations. Like I’m down for one adventure per vacation but otherwise I want to use my vacation time to relax. My aunt posted they hiked 18 miles just for a view in Thailand. I’m like why? 18 miles up hill to see that (forest mountain sky). Literally an entire day of walking... outdoors... no.
2. I dislike the whole marriage & kids is not an accomplishment thing. I don’t need a trophy but if I manage to accomplish other things like maintaining & growing a career, excerise, advance my education, travel, and still be involved with other causes I care about in addition to managing a marriage & kids that’s absolutely an accomplishment.
3. Additionally I don’t like the whole extensive Traveling is exclusive to childless people thing. A friend sent me meme that said “all my friends are pregnant or getting married and I just want to lose weight & travel.” And (I’m an obsessive aunt) another family member say she’s going to be the aunt that travels. Since when does having a child of my own exclude me from being the traveling aunt?

I hate when people act like marriage or kids end your life. I’m having a family not serving a prison sentence.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

(whispers) on HDBD they're all good bumps (THEY'RE ALL GOOD DOGS, BRONT) but sometimes I have favorite bumps

dinodna3 · April 2018

@ffw0617 I was just having this conversation with my sister on Easter. Her and BIL have been married 5 years and have spent most of that time traveling and doing fun stuff. They are just starting to TTC this month and don’t want to stop traveling. I was like don’t! We just have to travel a bit differently when they are young but it’s definitely possible. We just talked about taking trips together because the more hands/eyes the better!

I do like adventure vacations but 18 miles might be a bit much. DH and I’s last solo vacation was our honeymoon and we went to Costa Rica. We a perfect combo of relaxing and adventure. I can’t wait to go back there.

rnielsen321 · April 2018

Hear! Hear! - @ffw0617... My DH seems to think that travel with kids is not generally in the cards. And yet, my sister and I went all over Europe with my family(4yo and up), and that we loved it and were adventurous etc.

Again, I also agree on the some adventure, some downtime idea. Do not get me wrong, that dang Zika has scared the crap outta us, and I would LOVE to go to the Caribbean right now, for a beach holiday. But, alas, we are Canada bound for a while. (Maybe PEI? they have beaches and seafood)

My FFC - I am a "senior" mom (i.e. will be 43 yo this year) and I am very worried, that I will again, not enjoy mat leave or make any mom friends IRL.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@rnielsen321 where do you live? I'm 29, will be 30 at the end of July, and I was worried about the same thing in NYC because most moms are much older -- I thought I wouldn't fit in or feel judged or something stupid (also I don't make friends easily, at all). My friend, who is my age, and has kids in the bay area said the same thing - all her mom friends treat her like a teen mom basically because they all had kids in their late 30s/early 40s. But she has a great relationship with those mom friends, so clearly age doesn't matter much for them or her. And some of my best work friends are 10 years older than me.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@ffw0617 I don't think having a child ends one's ability to travel, but it does shift the type of travel we can do, at least with the kids (I have friends who leave their kids with their parents for a week or two and go off and have the same vacations they had pre-kids, and I think that's great if you have family members/anyone you trust willing and able to do that). Like, DH and my favorite vacation was going to Santorini and sitting by the pool all day -- definitely cannot do that with kids especially since most of the hotels don't allow children under 12 lol. Or going to Amsterdam and spending most of the 10 days drunk/high. But there are so many really fun vacations that kids can go on and enjoy -- it'll just be a different experience.

ffw0617 · April 2018

My DH travels every weekend for basically 5 months outthe year. We do more traveling apart than together. We did a few big trips when we were dating, but only one (mini moon) since marriage in 2016. We’re perfectly fine with that system. DH is headed to DR for his 10 yr frat reunion trip in 2 weeks. I purposely made my shower that week so he wouldn’t be there & no one would expect him to be (shrugs- traditional showers aren’t his thing at ALL). My best friend is getting married next year in south Florida, I’ll be attending her shower (jan), bachelorette (feb-Caribbean) and wedding (march) ALONE the baby will be home with him.

When i say travel i dont don’t necessarily mean with kids or with DH for that matter. We’ve already agreed for at least the first year we’ll each get one night a week off baby duty. You don’t actually have to have plans or go out its just you won’t be expected to do anything. Go upstairs, blast the tv, take a nap, or get out the house. So that we each have a break to look forward to every week.

dinodna3 · April 2018

@rnielsen321 @doxiemoxie212 I live in suburbia where all the moms I see are more or less around my age, 31. I still don’t have any mom friends because I’m awkward as heck when I first meet people. I have the worst time making small talk. I figure I’ll make mom friends eventually when DD starts school and I’m forced to.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@dinodna3 yasssss I don't care about small talk, and I can figure out the answers to most things on my own via googling, etc. Sometimes I think that's the key to very friendly people - I believe they are pretending to not know the answers to things so they can ask people questions. I just can't bring myself to do it.

krash_ · April 2018

@doxiemoxie212 now I just wanna know which ones!

MH and I don't really prioritize travel. We still haven't taken a real honeymoon. The only travel we have done together, as in like flying somewhere far not just driving for a weekend away, has been with other people and usually instigated by the other people. I would like to travel more but FFFC it usually seems like more work than it's worth. I did say though that we need to save his bonus next year (instead of wracking up cc debt and using it to pay off that) for a vacation. But I'm thinking with the baby. My family always went on vacation and I would like to be able to provide that for my family. MH's family was much more blue collar, his dad worked swing shift in a paper mill, so they never took vacation. Or when they did it was just his mom, him and his brother.

My actual FFFC: MH has gained a bit of weight since last fall and hasn't worked out much so his arms are losing definition. I have been hinting for him to work out. He has a mount for his bike to ride it inside that I said he could set up in the basement and I said we could look on Craigslist or something to get a bench and some weights. I love him but I want him to look good.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@krashke searched for an "I'll never tell" gif and found this instead:

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/9Rn4cnAyCNsac/giphy.gif

My family never went on vacations growing up because my parents worked in film, and they never knew their schedules for the following day until 4pm the day before (eye roll). It's been really important to me as an adult to take vacations, and I think it makes suuuch a huge difference for DH. When we just go visit family he ends up working the whole time, but if we pay for a hotel, etc., then suddenly, magically, he's able to sign off more. Also I just think building new, different memories together has made such a big difference in our relationship -- but we also do virtually nothing when we're at home. I don't think it would be as important if we didn't only watch TV lol when we're at home. I'm surprised YOU think they're more trouble than they're worth though. You should see the spreadsheets I put together when planning a vacation! I've got this shit down to a science/art now!

aharv77 · April 2018

@krashke MH too! He was looking in the mirror a few weeks ago and asked me why I hadn't told him he was looking so chunky. He was in a slump all winter, moody and depressed and cranky. He started Insanity T:25 a few weeks ago and does it when he gets home from work in the afternoons before he picks DD up from school and I think he's feeling better. It's definitely helped his mood swings!

kmurdock925 · April 2018

I'm on the adventure end of the travel spectrum (as is DH). When I go to relax I sit at the beach or pool or whatever and within 20 30 mins get really bored and feel like I'm wasting time and not seeing everything I should be and am missing out on experiences.

We take our "babymoon" this week to Disney with a toddler, much different than last time which was a cruise in the Bahamas. Even then, we would get off at port the minute we could, would be the last ones back on the ship, and we spent ONE day at the beach, and even still took all of the nature trails we could find and walked basically the entire shore line of the island. We have been on a National Parks kick the past several years and easily walk 15-20 miles a day but we see some pretty incredible stuff- and feel very accomplished by the time we are done. I would hate to spend all of this time and money to go somewhere new and different and not get to see or experience it and rather just sit around. *shrugs* I'm also a travel junkie/ former flight attendant sooooo maybe a different perspective? The fact that I can't just jump on a plane anytime I want and go anywhere I want anymore kind of kills me.

lisa2589 · April 2018

DH and I have only been on vacation twice since we met 8 years ago. Both times were to AZ, both times we stayed with his family. One time we did venture up to the Grand Canyon and stayed overnight in Flagstaff on our own. I’m kind of a more relax-y vacation person and DH kind of hates feeling like he’s doing nothing. (ETA for example, pre- kiddo I would use 2 weeks of PTO during the summers and just spend the whole time hanging out around home and being a bum). Hopefully in a few years when the kids can start remembering going on vacations we’ll do a couple fun ones. I’ve never been to Disney.

mytinc · April 2018

@ffw0617 - I'm glad that you've already set up alone time for when baby is here. That's so important for everyone's sanity. I hope you're both able to follow through!

As far as making mom friends, it is hard. I'm fortunate that a high school acquaintance/friend (not close back then) got pregnant with her first 6 weeks before I got pregnant with my first. We were both friends with a similar group of people and would run into each other fairly often. We started hanging out together from time to time during pregnancy. So our two oldest kids are 6 weeks apart (turning 5 this spring). Our second kids are about 8 months apart, and all 4 kids are boys. When I moved houses last December we moved 4 houses down from them. It's been great. As an added bonus, she's a teacher and has this summer off while I'm on maternity leave. So many play dates in our future.

Aside from her though, there aren't a lot of IRL mom friends that are close by that I can hang with. So here's my FFFC: I had DS1 in the park one day and he kept hanging out with this other kid that I didn't know, even referring to him by name. I talked a little with his mom and found out they're in the same preschool class (I don't know many of the kids in the class as my mom and husband handle drop off and pick up while I'm at work). She seemed super nice and friendly and the boys were playing great. I literally gave her my business card and told her to contact me if she ever wanted to get the boys together for a play date. She never called.

emiliadkay · April 2018

@krashke I think I'm there with you on the "not so into vacations" thing. It feels weird to say that, because I want to go everywhere and learn all the languages and eat all the foods, and I have at least a dozen different spreadsheets centered around planning for an early retirement (or mini retirements) that will let us do it. But I want to live all these places, not necessarily visit them. Travel just takes so much money and time away from building our life where we are now. I know there's real value in it, but there are a lot of costs, too.

I think I'll feel differently about travel once LO is old enough to see the national parks and do Disney and all that good stuff, but until then we may just embrace the staycation...

@doxiemoxie212 All that said, when I was living the big law life vacations were a must. I needed physical distance and at least 2 weeks at a time to unplug, and our vacations were the undisputed highlight of those years.

LaceyBee522 · April 2018

@ffw0617 As far as traveling with kids, we're already planning on it. MH is already looking into how he can get them their AAdvantage numbers now. Lol at these priorities! Travel was a huge part of our lives together as a couple and I can't imagine that changing. As @doxiemoxie212 said, we'll just modify to make it more kid friendly.

May14th2011 · April 2018

We were hoping to get stationed in Germany so we could travel all over that side of the world. We haven't done much traveling because we don't have much money but that's becoming a high priority for us so we're saving up for travels.
Fwiw, I have tons of friends who never stopped once they had kids. They still jet off to London, Morrocco, etc. They just take their kid(s) with them.

katelynrae86 · April 2018

I got my Target registry bag a few months ago, but when I was in a different town visiting family a couple of weeks ago I went to a different Target and got another one...

And now I kind of want to go to another local store and get a third. I just want the 20% Cloud Island coupon because that's the brand of nursery bedding/curtains we're getting. I feel a little shady...

And add me to the awkward list! Why is making friends as an adult so difficult?

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@emiliadkay Ugh DH's friends who get guaranteed vacation time and coverage do the two week vacation thing, and it seems SO nice. They're different people by the end. DH has "unlimited" time off, which means none guaranteed, and there's no coverage so if he has to work, he has to work. So we can never actually unplug that long, but they're good about letting him work remotely from my mom's in CA for 2-3 weeks around the holidays so it could be worse. But man, the vacations I'd plan if we could get two weeks in a row...

lisa2589 · April 2018

@katelynrae86 just reminded me to confess that this LO is basically getting a whole hand me down nursery. I actually ordered one new crib sheet for her, the rest will be old ones from DD. Same curtains as DD, same crib, same decorations on the walls, same mobile... not to mention the majority of the clothes...
I will however confess regarding the clothes however, I’ve bought more new newborn and 0-3 clothes for her than I would ever admit to DH.

ffw0617 · April 2018

One of my biggest fears is not having mom friends. That was my first question asked on the BMB 6 months ago. It took me so long to make local friends, its was 3 years before I had a real female friend here in Houston. I have 4 women I consider close friends here now, Two of them had losses last year, and the other two are single. I don’t want mom friends to talk to per se mostly I want one bc some kid things are just more fun/ easier with another kid. Ideal mom friends would be on their first kid, whose around the same age as mine, live nearby and likes picnics in the park with wine.

dinodna3 · April 2018

@doxiemoxie212 MH is super personable and can talk to anyone. He always tells me to ask other people questions about themselves because people love to tell you about their lives and experiences. I can’t get past “how old are your kid?”. My go-to in the past was sports (when I worked in more male-dominant jobs) but I’m at a loss now.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@dinodna3 yeah, I blank on the basic questions because I just don't care, and most new people don't want to get into like, for instance, traumatic family histories which would be more interesting for me to listen to lol.

LaceyBee522 · April 2018

@doxiemoxie212 @dinodna3 I used to be GREAT at small talk. I could ask questions of people and make conversation so easily. Then, when I was living in DC my really good fried and roommate hated my small talk. He'd tell me I was being too nosy when I asked questions. He made me feel really uncomfortable asking about anything, so I just stopped. It was like it broke me. I've been working for years to get that skill back and it is sooo hard.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@LaceyBee522 hahaha I'd love to hear what your friend would say about me after I've had a few glasses of wine. I just want to know everyone's deepest darkest secrets! If that's not nosey... lol

Austenista · April 2018

I’m terrible at small talk, extroverting, and liking people in general. I get a wave of inspiration and try a little occasionally, but it requires so much maintenance to bolster friendships as an adult and I lack the will to put forth the effort. I currently have one local mom friend that I’m trying to keep up with because our kids are close in age, we have each other for childcare, and we both want to homeschool. Beyond that I’m not sure we have all that much in common but I need her so I keep at it. Hopefully it will become a more authentic and easy friendship as time goes on. My closest friends are lifelong. One is three hours away and the other is currently living in Australia. I’m also kind of hoping that as these boys get older we can join a local co-op or homeschool group and we can make friends that way.

kmurdock925 · April 2018

I'm bad at making irl friends as well (common theme?) If someone starts a convo I can easily participate and contribute but coming up with topics of conversation? Nope. I have a few mom friends that I'm very thankful for- but I knew all of them for YEARS prior to having kids. I haven't met any moms as a result of having a child.

pupsicle23 · April 2018

We just got new bathroom and office passes to give to students. I put mine in my back pocket, and they fell into the toilet when I used the bathroom. I panicked and tried to flush them. They didn’t flush. I would’ve left them, but they have my name on them, so I had to reach in and then request new passes.

doxiemoxie212 · April 2018

@kmurdock925 I'm not even great if someone else approaches me. In the moment, I just can't help thinking, "BUT WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME OH MY GOD YOU ARE A STRANGER WE DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER!" and then afterward I'm like ohhhhhhhhhhh they wanted to maybe be friends, right ok. I think there's just always this low key voice in the back of my head like, "psstt, they might be a serial killer."

momac1919 · April 2018

I used to be a huge introvert who sucked at small talk...DH has always been able to literally talk to anybody and could probably shoot the breeze with a wall if he needed to. Living with him, as well as my job which is nothing but interaction with people I don't know has made me much better at it, but it still makes me uncomfortable at times.

kmurdock925 · April 2018

doxiemoxie212 ha! I probably should have clarified- if I know the person as an acquaintance or if it is a mixer/happy hour type atmosphere I can chat with "strangers"...if it is a legit rando at the grocery or something I have the same "who the f are you" reaction. From what I'm told I usually make an unwelcoming face that I'm completely unaware of.

When I was flying I NEVER talked to my passengers unless I just couldn't avoid it. Part of me feels like I missed out because some of my roommates met some cool people but I just couldn't. I had one passenger board my flight and say that he has been on like 6 flights that I had worked in the past and said I'm always so stoic. My response was just to shrug at him and shoo him off to take his seat.

mytinc · April 2018

FFFC - I'm trying to catch up on here and almost forgot to call in to a conference call. I just looked at the time and realized it was 2 pm (Eastern). Luckily the host of the call (my boss) hasn't called in yet.

ffw0617 · April 2018

Im fine with meeting new people and trying to become friends but I’m the kind of person I don’t give many chances. If I invite you to do something once and you decline (without some offer to reschedule etc) then I’ll never ask you to do anything again. Then the kind that just want to be your friend bc of what you can do for them. I distance myself quickly. A former potential friend has a son and I’d volunteer to sit for them (for free) on special occasions like her birthday, her husband’s birthday or their anniversary, and when her son was hospitalized for hand, foot & mouth I brought them food to the emergency room, and when her sister was dying from cancer i did all types of emergency legal documents for her sister for free. I offer to sit on her husband’s birthday so they could go out she declines, and few weekends later she asked if I could sit at the last minute... uhhhh no when I offered you declined Why ask me now? My last two vision board parties, no response. My birthday in 2017 no response to my husband’s invite. I realized there was no real friend potential there after all.

krash_ · April 2018

+1 to being terrible at making friends. I am trying with a friend from college that was a total bitch to me back then but she is also expecting and she reached out to me. MH and I have said about 100 times that we need to reach out to our back yard neighbors. They look to be about our age, have a kid and a dog. We both moved in at the same time last year. Alas we have not spoken to them. I'm hoping once it gets warmer to maybe message them on Nextdoor and ask if they want to come over for a cook out.

katelynrae86 · April 2018

On the topic of mom friends: I just got a text from my ONE local mom friend that her and her hubby are getting a divorce and she's moving in with her parents an hour away. I'm so sad for her. TBH, it might be the healthiest thing for her in the long run (for a bunch of reasons I won't get into). But she's been married since she was 18, has a 2 yo and 4 yo, and I can't imagine the stress of it all. And totally selfishly, I'm disappointed I won't have a friend who lives a mile down the road

buffalove1211 · April 2018

@aharv77 OMG the thought of T25 gives me pre-wedding PTSD!

@katelynrae86 Do it! I have no shame in my discount-hunting game. I'll manipulate any situation to wheel and deal with stuff I'm buying. Target can afford to shell out another coupon.

=caenis= · April 2018

Ugh, the mom friend thing. My best friend here just had a lil guy in November but they moved to the opposite side of the city right afterwards. I don't have any mom friends in my neighborhood. Most of my friends live in different cities, which has made it difficult to maintain relationships properly because planning takes energy. But it's OK. We spend a lot of time with family instead, which has its advantages!

mytinc · April 2018

@krashke - Does their dog seem nice? Use it as a conversation starter when you see them in the yard. When we had a dog, it was the best way to meet neighbors. We had people stop by to say hi to us and they used the dog as an excuse.

Austenista · April 2018

@mytinc yeeeees, dogs are the best at helping you make neighbor friends. When we lived in a townhome we knew everyone because no one could just let their dogs out to go walk, we were all kind of required to leash them, go out, and socialize. That was so nice.

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