Mental Health Check-in 4/4

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

Haven't seen one for a couple weeks.

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

I knew going off my medications for pregnancy was going to be challenging. However, I do not feel like I'm in control at all, on any level of my life. I am screwing up royally at work ever since being pregnant and its really starting to show. I can't afford to quit either. I'm worried about being fired. Im currently laying in bed resting and not talking as instructed by the doctor because I have a throat virus. My boss is not happy with me because of this. Everything stresses me out. Everything. Things that normally would not bother me, bother me. I do not want to put any stress on my baby. I've been asked if I'm exercising or meditating. There is only so much one can do when they are bp2. I am back on one of my medications for moods and it takes the edge off however it's not enough. I don't feel like I'm enough. Work is stressful. Home is stressful. How do I keep from losing my shit and going into major manic? I've reached out to my ob however I'm at a loss otherwise. I feel mentally and emotionally out of control.

wildtot · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa so sorry to hear this! Sorry i forgot but are you seeing a therapist or councilor on a regular bases that you can talk to? How is work reacting to your challenges? Are they being understanding or just straight up unsupportive. Sometimes i feel like a burden to work but then i eventually realize it’s my own panic and worry of what work might think of the situation when it’s not always a big deal to them. If it’s a pregnancy related thing that’s affecting work i don’t think it’s legal to be let go from that. Do you have sometime to take for yourself (a day or two) to recenter on your own? You are enough and it’s ok to lose your shit sometimes you can’t keep it bottled up. *hugs*

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa YOU ARE ENOUGH! Like @wildtot says, it's ok to lose your shit sometimes. I wish I had some words of comfort or wisdom, but all I can say is just keep pushing through, you can do this, and you are enough. This is a temporary state, not forever.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

@wildtot I see a psychiatrist once a month for med maintenance and a psychologist every 6 weeks (thanks Kaiser for not allowing more). They both help to an extent. Work is...one boss says he is understanding however he has to answer 2 others. So it's hard. My job is a no error type job, so my errors have been building. It only adds to my stress.

Thanks ladies. Typing it out helps however I'm still very much in my head and the uncontrollable moods are extreme...

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa Is it worth having a conversation with your HR at work? And is it possible to adjust your responsibilities or workload for a while? I know employers have to make accommodations for physically demanding jobs for pregnancy, but not sure if they are required to make similar adjustments for other positions.

Writing things down and meditation and mindfulness help me with my OCD and PTSD issues, which I know are different than the stresses you're dealing with, but getting things out helps me not be trapped in my own brain as much.

We're here for you if you need us!

elizabethrn87 · April 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing ((Hugs)). Work and mental health are hard! I’m always afraid of the judgement that comes with mental health. And people just don’t understand why it is so hard to function somedays but not others. I have FMLA for mental health. Even with that I constant fear they are trying to find other ways to fire me because of the hardships I face at times from mental health issues.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@elizabethrn87 I like to think of it as we're just more honest with ourselves about how we're functioning and what we can take. And some of us just have learned we need something more to function a little easier. We aren't weak.

I know for myself, I fought for a long time trying to be "normal" it wasn't until I lost my brother that I admitted maybe I'm not "normal" and things started to get better. Not easier, but better because I was confronting it and was finally on medication for the anxiety. For most people it's not normal to check to see if the garage door is closed 5+ times in a row, like literally right after closing the door. But that is my normal. I was in tears last night because I kept doing it even though I knew it was closed. I'm currently not on my medication, but my doctor and I talked about maybe putting me back on it, we'll decide at my next appointment.

Adding work stress to mental health just makes it hard, and pregnancy makes some of this more difficult because some days I think it's hard to know what is hormones and what is the mental aspect.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing I've been telling my boss for the last 5 months that we need to train someone to take over my responsibilities before I go on leave. He has yet to do this. There is no one else that knows how to do my job (Im a qa analyst for dev/it) in my company. So they literally rely on me for so many things. Non pregnant, fully medicated me can handle it and loves it. However, since im pregnant and not fully medicated, I am struggling, to say the least. HR will refer me back to my boss. I'm thinking of reaching out to my psychiatrist as well to get additional input other than my ob. Maybe combined, I can get an answer on how to better navigate this journey.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa That's so frustrating, I'm sorry. Hang in there! Def reach our to your psychiatrist. With the things you've shared with us already, you are one tough cookie and you have what it takes to make it through even on days where it really doesn't feel like it. Hugs!

SmashJam · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa +1 to reaching out to the psychiatrist, and I'm sorry you are struggling with feelings of not being enough. Is there anyway to lessen the stress at home so you don't feel so out of control? You will pull through, I try to remember what @noideawhatshesdoing said about things not being a permanent state...you will get a handle on things!

I am doing ok. My dad getting arrested for DUI has really thrown me for a loop, and really highlighted the issues with drinking my family has. In general, I have been doing better with anxiety and spiraling out of control on things that pile up and aren't going my way, but there are days when its hard and I can't just stop dealing with DS's needs and self talk my way out of spiraling into craziness. I try and remind myself that letting something take complete control over my happiness when I have no option to change that thing is ridiculous, and that I need to basically just let it go, but its hard. I was gonna go back on my meds at 20 weeks but with the exception of pretty much all weekend days I do an ok job of talking myself out of spirals, so I opted not to.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

Completely spiraled and lost my shit yesterday. Realized how much I've been trying to get done on my own, DH has been trying to help but I wouldn't let him. We sat and had a talk about it this morning and we're going back to the shared Google doc list that we used to keep of tasks that need to be done. I hadn't been adding to it because I was just charging ahead with trying to tackle my own list. I feel a little better today, but not proud of myself or how I handled it yesterday. Trying to start fresh today, but the mess our house is currently in while we're transitioning the guest room to LO's room and other projects is still making me feel like I'm choking. Seriously hate that I allowed myself to be swallowed up by my triggers. Getting to a workout tonight will help, I'm already counting down the hours until I can get there.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing sending you so many hugs!! I'm glad you're feeling a bit better after talking to your h.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa thanks! Hugs back at you! How are you doing? Was your OB able to help you find some more options to help feel a little better?

I'm definitely feeling better today, like a 6 out of 10 instead of 10 out of 10 like I was last night. I really can't wait to feel "normal" again someday. I didn't want to, but finally went back on my meds for the time being. Just felt so out of control lately, and yesterday just couldn't do it. Didn't help that work sucked and I had to be super buttoned up and professional in meetings with the big boss (4 people up the food chain) and our corporate attorneys. My job is weird, I have a manager, but mostly I report to the big boss not my direct manager because my function is sort of a satellite to that dept. I'm thankful for H because he understands that this is not just me being a pregnant lady. I mean sure, it's exacerbating my issues, but isn't the cause of my meltdown yesterday.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing oh a 6 is WAY better than a 10...I'm glad you're back on your meds, too. They truly do help!

My ob referred me to a ob/gyn social worker. I actually talked to her today. She is recommending I go to a post partum support group for women with "mental illnesses". They allow pregnant women 5 months and on to participate. She agreed that although exercise, meditation, and support from family friends is EXTREMELY beneficial, it's sometimes not enough. Talking to otherd who are in similar situations as us tend to help further. She offered to see me in person as well its free!! So I'm going to set something up with her. She agrees with my ob about going on maternity leave at least 3 weeks before baby is due. My psychiatrist is recommending I go back on seroquel. The downside to this is that it's not suggested in the 3rd trimester or for breastfeeding. There aren't enough studies showing what effect it really has on the baby. It is a category C drug. I've read that there are other women on it and they do not have any issues. As well as women who have given birth in the last 2 years and they have healthy babies. I see my ob tomorrow, so I'm going to ask her what she thinks of me going back on it. Pre pregnancy, seroquel was the best medication I've taken to date. I'm literally taking things day by day. Trying my damndest not to stress out about stupid things. I did tell the social worker that it's so frustrating having little to no control over moods and emotions. I told her I miss being stable.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa Great news about the support group and the social worker! I hope that helps get you some of the in-person support that would be so useful! Good luck with your OB tomorrow!

texasmainer · April 2018

I've never posted in this thread - mostly, I was hoping this would pass. But it hasn't, so here I am dealing with anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies (most of my anxiety and repetitive soothing actions revolve around food safety and cleanliness). I've been seeing a therapist but I'm starting to feel defeated because it's just getting worse and worse. So now I am weighing the pros and cons of taking medication (I am 24w3d so they won't really even kick in til about 30 weeks, I think?). The decision is really weighing on me.

So, hi!

wildtot · April 2018

@texasmainer we’re here for you! Don’t be ashamed of being here or if you go on meds.
@zombiehoohaa i was part of a mommy support group a year ago and i loved it. We still talk till this day and have some play dates. I wish i would have done it way sooner! Glad your getting lots of offers to help you get through it!

Im doing ok. I’ve been more naggy towards DH on all the small things he does or doesn’t do. I think it’s just anxiety trying to build up from being on getting things ready for baby.

flockofmoosen3 · April 2018

@texasmainer I'm glad to see you again. i was thinking about you before and how much you sound like my friend. She also had severe anxiety and panic attacks, depression, spiraled on trivial things she was convinced were harming her baby (they weren't), and also developed OCD during her first pregnancy a couple years ago. She also went to see a therapist, and I think took meds but I don't remember which ones. For her, all of those symptoms resolved on their own almost immediately after she had the baby. I don't even think she developed PPA or PPD (I did) and she's like the chillest mom now. Hopefully the ride isn't too much harder and you have the happy outcome that she has now.

stillcozy · April 2018

I fell way behind in paperwork and have been crazy anxious about this meeting I have on tuesday and have been trying to get through it all this weekend. I have made a ton of progress but I can hardly get my body and mind to relax and enjoy my weekend. ugh I will feel so much better after this meeting and getting caught up.

texasmainer · April 2018

flockofmoosen3 said:

@texasmainer I'm glad to see you again. i was thinking about you before and how much you sound like my friend. She also had severe anxiety and panic attacks, depression, spiraled on trivial things she was convinced were harming her baby (they weren't), and also developed OCD during her first pregnancy a couple years ago. She also went to see a therapist, and I think took meds but I don't remember which ones. For her, all of those symptoms resolved on their own almost immediately after she had the baby. I don't even think she developed PPA or PPD (I did) and she's like the chillest mom now. Hopefully the ride isn't too much harder and you have the happy outcome that she has now.

I'm praying this resolves after baby comes. I'm torn between wanting to start medicine now so that these awful symptoms won't ruin my first few weeks with my baby in case they don't stop, and wanting to hold out and hope they resolve on their own when my hormones change post-partum. It's a tough decision.

stillcozy · April 2018

@texasmainer I'm going to be starting medication soon myself. My OB wants me on it asap after birth if not before. I think I want the reassurance of having a little help in my system since they took so long to take effect the first time and know I can always ease back or go off of them whenever I feel ready

wildtot · April 2018

Last night it hit me that H will never believe that I am trying to change. I went to bed trying to nicely comment on something i would appreciate his help on and before i could finish be cuts me off with a smart ass remark about my attitude. I didn’t sleep well. Kept thinking of all the stuff we use to do together and split duties that now land completely on me. I started doing them because he couldn’t and now that he can he just continues to depend on me. To him i will always be mad and will never change. He says he takes care of me. I dont see it. He drives like a mad man when i ask him not too. I have to put it in the worst perspective of what can happen if he were to get in an accident for him to slightly understand. I don’t need him to take care of me i do that very well. I need him to step up and care for his home, his family. Take some stresses away. I’m so tired of this. I haven’t felt baby move like normal during this time which stresses me. It sad to say that right now i don’t care if doesn’t love me. I don’t love myself. He will never understood and i so scare this all will get worse again after delivery. Now I’m sitting in the car trying to calm down before going into the office. So much for my make up.

SmashJam · April 2018

@wildtot, I am so sorry that YH is making you feel this way, and that you are going through this with YH. Last night at La Leche we talked about "phases" and at first it was about how phases your child goes through never last so to remember that, but also phases of marriage. I feel like it took MH and I so many fights and it took him way longer to realize that our lives are different right now, and may at some point in the future circle back to what they were, and that is ok, and requires change from him as well as me. He was very reluctant to make those changes, and I'm not sure that I did anything to help him do it. Maybe men just fight the changes harder than us because the catalyst is often children and we feel that change so immediately that we just adapt and they need a bit more of a kick in the ass. Anyway, huge hugs, just wanted to share some thoughts I've been bouncing around in my own head since last night. I hope he gets his shit together and he finds a way to listen to you.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

@wildtot sending you so many hugs and good vibes!! I know you've mentioned going to couples counseling before; have you thought of going again, especially since there is a new baby coming soon? Or finding a counselor for you, even if it's a phone session? Your feelings do matter, whether good or bad and YH needs to hear them. It's unfortunate that he seems to be stuck in his own head about how things are and how he reacts. I hope you take a moment for yourself today, even if it means grabbing an ice cream in your car. Again, sending you hugs!!!

wildtot · April 2018

@SmashJam @zombiehoohaa thank you for your kind words! With every argument i try asking for some alone time to process and calm down but H doesn’t like that and the situation just explodes. He did come to apologize earlier but I’m still kinda keeping to myself. I was thinking that maybe we just both need our own time to recenter and want each other like we did before. We really should see someone again before we get worse.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

oh @wildtot so sorry to hear about how things have been going. I hope you and your H are able to find some more calm soon! And I agree with everyone else, while everything in life has it's phase and maybe this is just one of them, your feelings do matter and it sounds like either he's not hearing that or doesn't know how to process it. I would encourage you guys to seek some counseling before too long so you can get back on the same page together. So sorry you're feeling so much stress and pressure. Hugs!

texasmainer · April 2018

My therapist said I should try to think about the *normal* level of panic or worry someone should feel... So, if you found out you'd been using a spice that was expired two and a half years ago, would you freak about listeria or something nasty growing in it?

stillcozy · April 2018

@wildtot I'm in a very similar situation with my husband please messae me if you ever want to vent or chat! Hugs it is so not easy!

stillcozy · April 2018

@texasmainer I would say time to toss it out and let it go. Rarely is listeria ever seen in spices as it is more in perishable foods like produce or dairy

Also remembering you have been using it in that two and half years and nothing bad has happened so you are likely to be okay.

I will say it is super odd to be therapist and teach clients daily cognitive restructuring and coping skills around anxiety and depression and yet struggle to take a handle on my own.

zombiehoohaa · April 2018

@texasmainer my therapist once made a comment about the word "normal", my response to her was, " what is normal? What may be a normal thing to you, is not a normal thing to me." She has never used the word around me since. I've started using "medicated me" vs "non medicated me" to help define my "normal". So "medicated me" would respond to the 2 year expired spice to "well that explains why it tasted funky" then proceed to throw it out and check the rest of the spices in my cupboard.

Maybe she should try using a different term when referring to the word "normal".

wildtot · April 2018

@lindsayleigh1989 thanks! I’ll definitely reach out to you soon.
I’m actually think of going back to meds before delivery and plan to talk about it soon with my doctor. I took Wellbutrin before but not sure if that’s pregnancy safe. I want to be able to breastfeed too. I also get some anxiety but never medically treated.

texasmainer · April 2018

@zombiehoohaa I think she just means proportional worry. I have a huge amount of anxiety surrounding food and I panic disproportionately when I "mess up" even though I am sooooo far to the right to conservative re my food choices - I won't even eat ice cream now, or pasteurized milk unless heated to 160 for hot cocoa. So this kind of slip up makes me freak. I know logically I've been using it for years and nothing has happened, and as of last Friday nothing was growing in my blood culture (was feeling sick and doc ran one). It still just makes me anxious - like crying, nauseous, want-to-delete my baby registry anxious.

noideawhatshesdoing · April 2018

@texasmainer I hate the word normal, it doesn't really mean anything to me because I feel it's too abstruse. I think all of us here are aware our "normal" is probably very different from what others experience. That said, I'm going to guess that the "normal" amount of panic or worry about a spice is probably none. I'd wager most people only go through their spice cabinet when they move. So personally, I wouldn't freak out about it. If it concerns you, toss it out, more likely is that it probably just doesn't taste as good as it could.

elizabethrn87 · April 2018

((Hugs)) to all
you mommas. I do t always respond individually because I don’t have more to offer when others have already covered it- but I’m here reading and giving emotional support silently

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