Some of the things in that article are really just about showing respect both ways. It's the tone that isn't cool. The way I look at it, I've heard daughters talk about their mothers/MILs in the same way on some of these topics (don't buy me gifts I don't want, don't expect me to live up to standards you set, don't talk about me behind my back, etc.) This author has a chip on her shoulder, so the tone is rude, but some of her points are valid.
First Son - born 2013
Second Son - born 2014 - Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV). First open heart surgery at 5 days old. He's had 3 open heart surgeries and several other procedures and is currently doing amazing. Third Son - due June 9, 2018
@doxiemoxie212 Same. My MIL bought a new car specifically so that we could have her old one (which was old, but still in great condition.) She watches the kids every Wednesday so we can have date night. I swear, she's a saint.
@LaceyBee522 even though it wasn’t my decision or choice to live in Houston (were here bc DH likes it) one of the largest benefits is neither of us really have to deal with in laws since both our parents live In different states. Were lucky if we see them twice a year. We don’t get the benefit of free childcare but we dont have to deal with the hassel. And since the wedding (his family was overly involved since it was in his hometown) i only hear from my in laws 2-3x a year.
I dont think #9 applies to me. My MIL actually produced a picky, spoiled, selfish, lazy individual. She apologizes to me all the time. It took a lot of years on my part FIXING her son making him into a semi-productive contributing memeber of this relationship. Growing up DH had 3 women under one roof he never had to lift a finger, he never cooked or cleaned, a chore for him was talking his bike or car to the nearest store for a missing ingredient for the meal that was being prepared especially for him at his request. Laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, making a bed all things he was never taught. I had to teach him all those things. So she gets no mother of the year trophy from me. She taught him other things I value like he’s a very hard worker, great provider, business minding, educated and over all well rounded but when it comes to food (like vegatables which he still doesn’t eat and he’s almost 32), cooking, cleaning and anything domestic she dropped the ball big time. Luckily he’s not a misogynist, he doesn’t actually think its a woman’s job to take of him, he just doesn’t bc he was never taught to, now a misogynist would be a deal breaker.
My job is stressing me out so badly that I am so looking forward to maternity leave more than ever--even if it comes with lots of crying, poop, and lack of sleep. To not answer emails for 12 weeks will be a small piece of heaven. Plus snuggling a baby...yes please.
Long story short, one of our customers needed a $15,000.00 item ordered. We can order twice daily. Our owner called last night and asked us to order said expensive item. I heard my employee tell him TWICE that it was after cut off and the next available order is for tomorrow. He said ok, just be sure it gets ordered, it's very important. I emailed our purchaser telling her he approved the order, please order in AM for next delivery. I even got up this morning after working 2nd shift to be sure she checked the email in time for the 1st order cut off. She did. Now they are calling saying they needed it by 10am so I have all these emails and texts asking what happened. Ummm hello? Why do I even waste my time trying to communicate. I feel badly bc it's a very important item and idk what our owner promised them, but now we look like schmucks even though we did everything right. And now I've been consumed in emails and texts about work for 2+ hours this morning and I still have to go in and do my regular shift at 4pm tonight. Grrrr
I get along well enough with MIL. We spent more 1 on 1 time during my first maternity leave than we ever had before (she would come and stay 2-3 days at a time). She wasn't a help per say, but some adult interaction was good.
It was a little awkward at times as her schedule was completely different from mine - she's retired so she sleeps until 9:30 or so and then slowly has coffee and watches her usual tv shows/soaps and has breakfast around 11 or almost noon. She didn't think to get me food or ask if I needed anything, as she honestly just didn't think of it. If I asked her to fold clothes or help with something while I was taking care of the baby, she did it. But mostly, she was just there. At least she didn't demand to be entertained. She's also turning 75 this summer and now that we're in a bigger house and have a guest room again I'm assuming I'll be seeing a lot of her during maternity leave.
First Son - born 2013
Second Son - born 2014 - Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV). First open heart surgery at 5 days old. He's had 3 open heart surgeries and several other procedures and is currently doing amazing. Third Son - due June 9, 2018
@starla487 long time hemorrhoid sufferer here. I agree with leaning... once mine is flared, I have to lean sideways when I pee also. and wipes! wiping makes it worse for me so I use wet wipes. also, if I sit in a shallow warm bath it relieves some discomfort.
@2589 good thinking on ordering multiple. ds still loves his blanky. its gross and has a hole right in the middle. but its not sold anywhere anymore.. and I'm pretty sure even a new one now wouldn't be the 'same'. I debated buying multiple of a blanket for new baby, but I don't know what blanket he'll cling to. DS didn't cling to the one I was originally offering/thinking. if nothing else, what about ebay? or amazon?
me:35 DH:34 DS: born oct 2012 TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16 BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17 BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18 fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
@catlady1215 yeah watch like @mytinc said I’ll be all prepared and she won’t even like the one I get duplicates of I should check eBay for that blanket though. It was on sale for super cheap and I hate to have to start my search over.
First of all, if you don't want me to buy you gifts that aren't your style then don't buy me gifts that aren't my style. That isn't a MIL thing for me as much as a parents in general. They still want us to have things to open at the holidays but I don't want things. When I need something I buy it for myself. I would much rather have an experience.
Second, I don't care if it is your money you will not buy my children anything and everything. Not only do I want them to learn that they have to earn what they want and work hard for it but I also don't want all this crap in my house. I am going to have a strict 3 gift policy at Christmas (something they'll wear, something they'll read, and something they want) if you want to buy them anything above and beyond that they will have to leave it at your house. You'll see really quickly how much space that ish takes up that never gets played with.
All that is to say that I have an amazing MIL and most of my rant above is probably more geared towards my mother and step mother.
*TW LC*
Me & MH: 32 DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU) TTC #2: 12/2019 Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
@krashke DH's mom literally never buys him (or me, obv) gifts ever, and my mom thankfully had a crazy mother who used to bring baaaaggggsss of crap over to our house for me when I was little (like ugly, ugly tacky polyester clothes, etc), and I never wanted any of it. So she gets it. She does not buy stuff we don't want or need.
I don't have a MIL so I don't have a lot of feedback on that situation. No one really buys us/DS much of anything but clothes thus far. He got a few toy type things at Christmas (nothing excessive or over the top) and for his birthday, but still mostly clothes. If I don't like the clothes, I take back what I can and donate what I can't. He has a great aunt who buys him a lot of outfits that look like hockey uniforms, for example. No idea why. He never wears that stuff because I don't like him in them. Basically, I've learned not to rely on anyone to get him anything and I kind of like it that way. I provide the birthday and the Christmas and everything in between. Speaking of which, I just packed his Easter basket with some fun things. The stuff I ordered for it came yesterday and I'm looking forward to giving it to him on Sunday.
Just set up your kids toy situation however you like and in whatever way works best for your family. DS got some things for Christmas that I didn't take out of the box for him until last month, for example. They were things I bought, and I decided to just save them because he had enough new things at that point. You can also rotate boxes of toys to give them more variety and cut down on clutter. I like the idea of keeping toys at grandparents' (or whoever's) house if they're buying a lot for him. I often stayed with and sometimes lived with my grandparents growing up and I had stuff there that was different than what I had at my dad's. Gives them variety, you're not having the additional work of having to gather toys to go over there, and it cuts down on what you have all over the place at home. This doesn't apply to us because we live 3hrs from everyone and no one keeps him, BUT if they did, I'd probably go that route myself.
@mytinc I agree with you about the article. I found it hostile, and it sounds like she and her DIL are people who don't get along that well but are forced to be family members. She makes good points in a crappy way. Obviously there's some resentment simmering there, but I could have similar complaints about any family member taking advantage. My best friend had similar complaints about her aunt, who constantly dropped off kids for unpaid babysitting time and would get pissy if she wasn't available, for example.
My MIL and I get along well. She is a bossy type of person, but generous and giving. She does a lot for us. Last week she took a day off work for emergency babysitting when my son was sick, as my partner and I both had crazy schedules. She folded all our clean laundry and made dinner. I mean...lifesaver. I just go with the flow and forgive and forget the irritating things because she deserves it, and I'm pretty sure she overlooks a lot of my flaws - hopefully for similar reasons.
I think I am going to get business cards made to hand out to people at work:
"I'm feeling fine. I'm due June 17th. Yes, the baby is moving a lot now. No we aren't finding out the sex."
Seriously though, everyone one asks me how I'm feeling and I'm not going to go into detail about how my hips hurt, I can't sleep, and I have swamp crotch with my VP or the random lady that works in another department. Most of them don't actually care, they just don't know what else to talk to a pregnant lady about. I do have other things going on in my life guys.
*TW LC*
Me & MH: 32 DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU) TTC #2: 12/2019 Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
@krashke - I disagree. Tell the VP you have swamp crotch. That will stop the questions. LMAO.
First Son - born 2013
Second Son - born 2014 - Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV). First open heart surgery at 5 days old. He's had 3 open heart surgeries and several other procedures and is currently doing amazing. Third Son - due June 9, 2018
So DH and his brothers have been trying to plan a fly fishing trip to Montana as a retirement gift for my FIL for the last two years, yes that's right he retired two freakin years ago. I get a text today that they've finally settled on a weekend and they'll be heading out to BFE Montana may 10-14 when I will be approx 36 weeks pregnant. I'll be home alone for 5 days with a toddler and my family 5 hours away in Chicago...what could possibly go wrong?
That MIL article is ridiculous. The author seems like she doesn’t actually like her DIL just deals with her because her son is married to her.
My MIL and I get along fine. She is very sweet and thoughtful. They tend to buy the kids stuff that is cheap in quality and breaks quickly though. I just feel bad that I have to throw away their gifts all the time.
Kinda going off what @Austenista said about not opening gifts right away. My biggest annoyance with my ILs and BILs family, is they open everything they give my kids right away. I prefer to wait and open things slowly to get more use out of them. But no they rip that stuff open immediately and I have to try and find all the pieces to bring home with me when we leave.
Ugh. Horrible timing @momac1919. Tell your DH that in return you get two weekends all to yourself, the weekend before and after the trip.
First Son - born 2013
Second Son - born 2014 - Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV). First open heart surgery at 5 days old. He's had 3 open heart surgeries and several other procedures and is currently doing amazing. Third Son - due June 9, 2018
@mommac1919 that is so uncool! I'm sorry! If we lived closer, we could hang together. MH is gone April 29 to May 10 for work trips, so I'm totally freaking out (and I don't even have a toddler to worry about!).
@LaceyBee522@momac1919 yeah, admittedly I am allowing DH to go on an associate retreat May 2-5 (I'm due June 2), but we don't have any outside babies yet -- just a baby dog. And his in-laws are a 15 min walk away. @momac1919 seriously, you shouldn't have to deal with that isht if you don't want to.
......................guys we are continuing to receive more books in the mail. Oddly expensive books. Like, I have a children's library now. What is going on. JUST BOOKS!
He's in a meeting all day in Cincinnati (2 hours away and far enough that he knows I can't kill him) and so my response to him was WTF dude? He said his brothers (one is 42 with two elementary school children who's wife refused to let him come to our out of state wedding when she was 30 weeks pregnant and the other who is a total bachelor) and dad (who is 70 and retired with no set schedule ever) gave him the option of that weekend (which also happens to be Mother's Day, but honestly that's the least of my complaints) or the weekend before which is DDs second birthday so he told them that weekend bc he thought it would make me "less mad"...well yes but that's a very relative statement...it's been two years, what's another two freakin months? I know there's like a 95% chance nothing will happen bc I'm not due until June 7, but I also know my doctor sent me to the hospital at 34 weeks last pregnancy with strong BH and then my water broke and within 6 hours DD was here and most say your second goes quicker, which is why if something does happen it'll be me and a two year old in labor and delivery just praying he has cell phone reception and can get a flight home. We're going to have a lovely chat tonight to see how permanent these reservations are and maybe see if my family can come out here. I think because I've gone through it before and I know I can handle it physically I'm more pissed that he would miss seeing the birth of his son than actually being there for support for me...not that I wouldn't appreciate his support, but that's not as important to me...if that makes any sense
@momac1919 oh hell no...given his dad and brothers' situations, I don't see why they need to go that weekend. Can YH suggest they postpone it until later in the summer? Not that a weekend alone with a toddler and a newborn is ideal, but still...
My rant: My OBs office just called to reschedule my appointment tomorrow from 8:30am to 12:30pm. This is the third one in a row they've had to change. Not a huge deal, but I scheduled all my appointments for early in the am for two reasons. 1. So they don't interfere with DS's nap time...now I know he'll sleep for 30 minutes on the car ride home and be up the rest of the day. 2. So I can get weighed before I start chugging my daily water...I know, I'm crazy, but by midday I swear I'm up 3-4 pounds from all the water (and food) I've had. And I'm already all messed up in the head/self conscious about my weight gain
I should be grateful I know in advance this time rather than getting to the office and finding out she's off delivering a baby. And I'm assuming she needs to reschedule because of someone with an immediate medical need (c section sceduled the day before?) but I'm still pissy about it...maybe this is more a rant on my own bad attitude
@2589 I also got a comment about not wearing my ring... I'm like yup.. Sometimes my hands swell a bit by the end of the day and I don't want my wedding and engagement rings cut off my hand..
@twelvetwosomeonenew LOL!! Some people freak out about medical things they've never seen... but your glucometer is clearly not drugs... or paraphernalia of any kind.
@momac1919 I wouldn’t be cool with it. Can you arrange for some help with your toddler, i doubt anything will happen birth wise but being gaint pregnant alone with a toddler doesn’t mix well. I completely understand what you mean about him being there, I want DH to see his child born but i don’t necessarily want him to see me. I’ll probably be more stressed trying to keep up a brave face for him during the labor & delivery.
Re: Tell me how you really feel! (Rants w/o 3/26)
First Son - born 2013
Third Son - due June 9, 2018
I dont think #9 applies to me. My MIL actually produced a picky, spoiled, selfish, lazy individual. She apologizes to me all the time. It took a lot of years on my part FIXING her son making him into a semi-productive contributing memeber of this relationship. Growing up DH had 3 women under one roof he never had to lift a finger, he never cooked or cleaned, a chore for him was talking his bike or car to the nearest store for a missing ingredient for the meal that was being prepared especially for him at his request. Laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, making a bed all things he was never taught. I had to teach him all those things. So she gets no mother of the year trophy from me. She taught him other things I value like he’s a very hard worker, great provider, business minding, educated and over all well rounded but when it comes to food (like vegatables which he still doesn’t eat and he’s almost 32), cooking, cleaning and anything domestic she dropped the ball big time. Luckily he’s not a misogynist, he doesn’t actually think its a woman’s job to take of him, he just doesn’t bc he was never taught to, now a misogynist would be a deal breaker.
TTC: 08/2017 EDD: 6/11/2018 FTM
Long story short, one of our customers needed a $15,000.00 item ordered. We can order twice daily. Our owner called last night and asked us to order said expensive item. I heard my employee tell him TWICE that it was after cut off and the next available order is for tomorrow. He said ok, just be sure it gets ordered, it's very important. I emailed our purchaser telling her he approved the order, please order in AM for next delivery. I even got up this morning after working 2nd shift to be sure she checked the email in time for the 1st order cut off. She did. Now they are calling saying they needed it by 10am so I have all these emails and texts asking what happened. Ummm hello? Why do I even waste my time trying to communicate. I feel badly bc it's a very important item and idk what our owner promised them, but now we look like schmucks even though we did everything right. And now I've been consumed in emails and texts about work for 2+ hours this morning and I still have to go in and do my regular shift at 4pm tonight. Grrrr
It was a little awkward at times as her schedule was completely different from mine - she's retired so she sleeps until 9:30 or so and then slowly has coffee and watches her usual tv shows/soaps and has breakfast around 11 or almost noon. She didn't think to get me food or ask if I needed anything, as she honestly just didn't think of it. If I asked her to fold clothes or help with something while I was taking care of the baby, she did it. But mostly, she was just there. At least she didn't demand to be entertained. She's also turning 75 this summer and now that we're in a bigger house and have a guest room again I'm assuming I'll be seeing a lot of her during maternity leave.
First Son - born 2013
Third Son - due June 9, 2018
@2589 good thinking on ordering multiple. ds still loves his blanky. its gross and has a hole right in the middle. but its not sold anywhere anymore.. and I'm pretty sure even a new one now wouldn't be the 'same'. I debated buying multiple of a blanket for new baby, but I don't know what blanket he'll cling to. DS didn't cling to the one I was originally offering/thinking.
if nothing else, what about ebay? or amazon?
DS: born oct 2012
TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16
BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17
BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18
fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
First of all, if you don't want me to buy you gifts that aren't your style then don't buy me gifts that aren't my style. That isn't a MIL thing for me as much as a parents in general. They still want us to have things to open at the holidays but I don't want things. When I need something I buy it for myself. I would much rather have an experience.
Second, I don't care if it is your money you will not buy my children anything and everything. Not only do I want them to learn that they have to earn what they want and work hard for it but I also don't want all this crap in my house. I am going to have a strict 3 gift policy at Christmas (something they'll wear, something they'll read, and something they want) if you want to buy them anything above and beyond that they will have to leave it at your house. You'll see really quickly how much space that ish takes up that never gets played with.
All that is to say that I have an amazing MIL and most of my rant above is probably more geared towards my mother and step mother.
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
For this, I am thankful.
Just set up your kids toy situation however you like and in whatever way works best for your family. DS got some things for Christmas that I didn't take out of the box for him until last month, for example. They were things I bought, and I decided to just save them because he had enough new things at that point. You can also rotate boxes of toys to give them more variety and cut down on clutter. I like the idea of keeping toys at grandparents' (or whoever's) house if they're buying a lot for him. I often stayed with and sometimes lived with my grandparents growing up and I had stuff there that was different than what I had at my dad's. Gives them variety, you're not having the additional work of having to gather toys to go over there, and it cuts down on what you have all over the place at home. This doesn't apply to us because we live 3hrs from everyone and no one keeps him, BUT if they did, I'd probably go that route myself.
My MIL and I get along well. She is a bossy type of person, but generous and giving. She does a lot for us. Last week she took a day off work for emergency babysitting when my son was sick, as my partner and I both had crazy schedules. She folded all our clean laundry and made dinner. I mean...lifesaver. I just go with the flow and forgive and forget the irritating things because she deserves it, and I'm pretty sure she overlooks a lot of my flaws - hopefully for similar reasons.
"I'm feeling fine.
I'm due June 17th.
Yes, the baby is moving a lot now.
No we aren't finding out the sex."
Seriously though, everyone one asks me how I'm feeling and I'm not going to go into detail about how my hips hurt, I can't sleep, and I have swamp crotch with my VP or the random lady that works in another department. Most of them don't actually care, they just don't know what else to talk to a pregnant lady about. I do have other things going on in my life guys.
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
First Son - born 2013
Third Son - due June 9, 2018
My MIL and I get along fine. She is very sweet and thoughtful. They tend to buy the kids stuff that is cheap in quality and breaks quickly though. I just feel bad that I have to throw away their gifts all the time.
Kinda going off what @Austenista said about not opening gifts right away. My biggest annoyance with my ILs and BILs family, is they open everything they give my kids right away. I prefer to wait and open things slowly to get more use out of them. But no they rip that stuff open immediately and I have to try and find all the pieces to bring home with me when we leave.
First Son - born 2013
Third Son - due June 9, 2018
My rant: My OBs office just called to reschedule my appointment tomorrow from 8:30am to 12:30pm. This is the third one in a row they've had to change. Not a huge deal, but I scheduled all my appointments for early in the am for two reasons. 1. So they don't interfere with DS's nap time...now I know he'll sleep for 30 minutes on the car ride home and be up the rest of the day. 2. So I can get weighed before I start chugging my daily water...I know, I'm crazy, but by midday I swear I'm up 3-4 pounds from all the water (and food) I've had. And I'm already all messed up in the head/self conscious about my weight gain
I should be grateful I know in advance this time rather than getting to the office and finding out she's off delivering a baby. And I'm assuming she needs to reschedule because of someone with an immediate medical need (c section sceduled the day before?) but I'm still pissy about it...maybe this is more a rant on my own bad attitude
Dumbest comment of the day..
Person:Do you know what this baby is?
Me: A boy!
Person: That was going to be my guess, girls just carry prettier than boys. I'm almost always right!
Uummmm, thanks?? I literally carried my daughter the same way... all out front and my face got pudgy...which is exactly what this baby is doing..
I just don't get it...
I was less than impressed.
ETA: ...help me, I’m still dying
TTC: 08/2017 EDD: 6/11/2018 FTM