Telling a best friend about pregnancy who is dealing with infertility

Re: Telling a best friend about pregnancy who is dealing with infertility

• yosemite2018 member

  March 2018

  I would tell her over text/email. I’ve heard that is usually the best because it allows them to take time to respond and not have to “act” happy when they may also be sad about their own situation. I would also say exactly what you said here: that you care about her and respect if she needs space. Make sure she finds out from you directly and not a big announcement (i.e. Facebook) or from a 3rd party.

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• stothi member

  March 2018 edited March 2018

  I always tell my friends with IF via email/text, and I wait until last least 9 ish weeks and some good test results, but before I start telling a lot of other people so they hear it from me and not the grapevine. I definitely tell them before any big social media announcement or blindsiding them by showing up at an event with a bump. I don't tell them the moment I pee on a stick though. I definitely wait until things are a little more certain. I personally don't say much other than make a private announcement to them. I try not to assume how my news will make them feel and leave my expectations out of it and allow them to think and feel whatever they need to think and feel without my assumption/expectations/whatever. Unless I know they'll feel xyz because we specifically asked about it before, I don't up xyz. If that makes sense at all. 
  Then I follow their lead about talking about the pregnancy. If they ask questions or show interest then obviously I loop them in as much as they want. If they seem like they need space or straight up say they need space, then I don't bring it up with them until they ask.

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• Kmar123456 member

  March 2018

  Coming from someone who has dealt with infertility (spent five years trying, IVF and two frozen embryo transfers before getting pregnant with our son) I would say if she is your friend you can count on her being happy for you. Yes it is difficult and depressing at times when you feel like everyone around you is getting pregnant but you are not, however I never wanted our infertility to take away the joy a friend had over such a Blessing. I def can agree with maybe not telling her face to face as her initial reaction may need to feel forced as she deals with her own personal journey and giving her time to process it all after a text/email or even phone call may be an easier route for her. Infertilty can be such a touchy situation and everyone handles things different but I would think she would share in your joy and just hope that one day you will be sharing in hers. The one thing I will say bothered me most was when some friends would speak about how much they hated being pregnant or how they get pregnant just from their husband/significant other looking at them, after month after month of trying and negative results it's hard to hear sometimes how easy it can be for others. The fact you are considering her feelings during your special time speaks volumes of what kind of friend you are because honestly a lot of people don't think twice about it. 

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• Sdeux member

  March 2018

  My life long BFF started struggling with infertility in the last few years. She has endometriosis, tilted uterus, ovarian cysts and has had several surgeries to try to help things along. She also has colitis to add insult to injury. She has lost an ovary and her egg count is low. She’s been the most supportive person in my life. I already had my first born by the time she realized she was experiencing infertility issues. I was very nervous on how I was going to tell her we were expecting again. I fully expected her to be sad and have her moments. I chose to tell her in person hearing it from me first. I know that she was putting on a brave face, but I know deep down she is happy for us. I haven’t posted anything public at this point and I might not at all or be far and few in between. She still checks in on me and asks how I’ve been feeling etc. I know that this is hard time for her in the age category that we are in. And it must feel like everyone is having babies except her. She has distracted herself with a puppy this year. It’s a hard ground to navigate and tread waters lightly. If your sensitive about it then what more can you do? 
  

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• srachilagani member

  March 2018

  I just had a similar situation. My childhood best friend told me last October (long before i even got pregnant) that she was doing fertility treatments and was struggling to conceive. When i found out in January about my baby, I hardly told anyone besides my husband. Granted she's in another country, it still didn't cross my mind because I was too caught up in the MS and anxiety of the first trimester. 
  
  Last night she messaged me on facebook with the great news she's finally pregnant! I expressed to her how happy i was for her and basked in the moment. I told myself i wouldn't bring up my pregnancy unless she asked because i didnt want to steal her thunder. Then she said "when are you gonna have a kid?" And i said September! She was shocked and asked why i hadn't told her. I explained and tried to spin it as me now being a source of suppport and/or advice for her. She asked me what my symptoms were during the first trimester but left my messages unread even though i see she's online.
  
  My husband works abroad and was only here for the holidays. She would know because i posted it on facebook, so she figured out how quickly i got pregnant. I think i will give her space and let her reach out to me. I think deep inside i didn't tell her because i didnt want to hurt her feelings.

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• JLyn821 member

  March 2018

  It took us 22 months to get pregnant with #1. My BFF had already had a miscarriage and been trying for over two years. I ended up not having to tell her because she saw my BFP post on the Getting Pregnant board on The Nest. It killed me that she found out that way but I think it ended up being for the best because she could handle it as needed. 
  
  When I got pregnant with #2, my BFF still hadn’t had a successful pregnancy but had two more miscarriages and her marriage was falling apart. BUT she was so excited and was so supportive. I told her in person that time.
  
  We did make sure to call SIL when expecting #2 because we knew they’d been trying for 9 months and had had a miscarriage. We were planning on telling immediate family at Christmas and wanted to give her the heads up that it was coming. She was happy we forewarned her. 
  
  I will say this, though. During my pregnancy with #1, my BFF was distant. She still attended my baby shower, but showed up over an hour late and looked not so great. During my son’s first year, she was still distant. I finally had to have a sit down with her and tell her that I hated she was hurting but that I didn’t want my son to put a wedge between us. Since then, things have been really good. All that to say, don’t be surprised or very hurt if things get distant. 

  
  

  
  

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• fftm9318 member

  March 2018

  I just spent the last three to four years believing that I could never get pregnant after multiple miscarriages and weird hormone tests. During that time I would be really happy for my friends who would get pregnant and have kids & be happy. There was only once that it really got to me and that's when it seem like every single person around me I was pregnant. Course after a couple weeks of bitterness I started singing "there must be something in the water" lol I was pregnant within a few months.... Surprise!  I think there was something in the water.... 
  A true friend isn't going to let their own infertility problems get in the way of another's happiness. This is your best friend I highly doubt she'll have a problem with it. 

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• mrsman2018 member

  March 2018

  I told my SIL through text before I told really anyone else because I did not want her to hear it from someone else. She said she was happy for me, but I still feel bad because I know she is sad. When we talk about my pregnancy or I show her a pic of my scan, she tells me how lucky I am, how she wishes she could get pregnant and she feels hopeless. Infertility is a terrible thing - I hope her and my brother can get pregnant soon. I love them so much. 

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