Pregnant after IF
muchwanted
member
AW: Need advice
muchwanted
member
***Triggers here***
I've created a bad situation for myself, and I don't know how to dig out of it. I'm hoping you ladies can help. In my intro, you may recall that I mentioned I've had six losses. The last one was BAD. I was about 10.5 weeks, and the baby had been looking perfect in many ultrasounds. The doctors had been following a SCH for weeks, but it appeared to be resolving fine (90% of them cause no problems, hahaha). Nonetheless, when I stopped progesterone at ten weeks, the little heart stopped beating, too. It was beyond shocking, and there are no words to express the rage and sadness I felt and, to be honest, still do nine months later. I also almost died during the D&C when I hemorrhaged 2L of blood. I was in a very dark place for a long time, and even now, eight weeks pregnant with twins, I don't know how I'll ever get over feeling bitter at the universe for everything we've been through.
Right around the same time, one of my local BFFs got pregnant with twins. She had been through a lot of IVFs, too, and she did it all single (lots of family help, though). But because she was due right when my little one would have arrived, I could not ever bring myself to be around her. I tried a couple of times, even dry heaving in the bathroom once before leaving the house, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Hubby helped her out with a bunch of stuff during her pregnancy, and I texted with her a bit while she had some scares (ambiguous a/s, for example), but I haven't see her at all since last summer. We have done stuff like buying her gifts, and sending food and a card post-birth.
A lot of people have judged me for this, and I think I've lost some friends, maybe her included. I don't know how to share our news and try to reconnect without seeming like the most horribly self-centered person who ever lived. Does anyone have advice for how to handle this?
I've created a bad situation for myself, and I don't know how to dig out of it. I'm hoping you ladies can help. In my intro, you may recall that I mentioned I've had six losses. The last one was BAD. I was about 10.5 weeks, and the baby had been looking perfect in many ultrasounds. The doctors had been following a SCH for weeks, but it appeared to be resolving fine (90% of them cause no problems, hahaha). Nonetheless, when I stopped progesterone at ten weeks, the little heart stopped beating, too. It was beyond shocking, and there are no words to express the rage and sadness I felt and, to be honest, still do nine months later. I also almost died during the D&C when I hemorrhaged 2L of blood. I was in a very dark place for a long time, and even now, eight weeks pregnant with twins, I don't know how I'll ever get over feeling bitter at the universe for everything we've been through.
Right around the same time, one of my local BFFs got pregnant with twins. She had been through a lot of IVFs, too, and she did it all single (lots of family help, though). But because she was due right when my little one would have arrived, I could not ever bring myself to be around her. I tried a couple of times, even dry heaving in the bathroom once before leaving the house, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Hubby helped her out with a bunch of stuff during her pregnancy, and I texted with her a bit while she had some scares (ambiguous a/s, for example), but I haven't see her at all since last summer. We have done stuff like buying her gifts, and sending food and a card post-birth.
A lot of people have judged me for this, and I think I've lost some friends, maybe her included. I don't know how to share our news and try to reconnect without seeming like the most horribly self-centered person who ever lived. Does anyone have advice for how to handle this?
***TW***
DD born April 2015 after many rounds of IVF and losses.
After much more of the same...
DD born April 2015 after many rounds of IVF and losses.
After much more of the same...
Re: AW: Need advice
As for fixing things, Be honest and apologize, and if possible do it in person. Having gone through IVF herself I'm sure she'll be receptive to how anxious you got and how difficult it was for you to even try to be around her, but I'm sure you can both agree that you didn't handle things excellently, even if it was the best you could have done at the time. So start by apologizing for not being as present/supportive as you wish you had been, then go ahead and explain how difficult it was for you, apologize again (so it doesn't seem like you're just being defensive), and tell her you'd like to be friends again/start hanging out more again or something along those lines. You'll probably want to tell her about your pregnancy pretty soon after, so I would make sure to say "I've been wanting to share something with you for a while" as opposed to "I have some exciting news" (or something along those lines - but make it about how you want to tell her about it as opposed to how happy you are for yourself).
Really though, people respond very well to sincere apologies, so whatever you think is best in that realm will probably work great! Be prepared to be patient and give her time to come around if necessary, but any action done out of love instead of selfishness is usually the right one. Good luck!!!
I Dont know when you intend to share your news but I'm sure if you have a conversation raw and real with your friend she will understand. And given what you've been through, if she doesn't that's on her. Plus you were as supportive! Lending out your man (figuratively speaking, of course) is more than most supportive friends would do. I mean, I would, but a lot of women wouldn't.
Bottom line. You are okay.
After my second tri loss last year, I was extremely depressed. Like you, I had a complicated recovery from d&e, and the physical part made the grief so much more acute because of the physical trauma and pain. Regardless, I was depressed for months and had to start seeing a psychologist. I did lose touch with a friend (though it is not the same situation), and this winter, we reconnected and I literally told her, "I'm sorry I fell off the face of the earth. I had a second trimester pregnancy loss and fell into a deep depression. It was hard for me to do much besides the bare minimum."
She totally understood. She didn't hold a grudge. We reconnected and everything is fine.
If you think she'll be understanding, be honest about how hard things have been for you. If a friend came to me saying this, I would totally understand.
Good luck. Please let us know if you want to chat more about it!
Just explain to her what happened, apologize for your disappearance and I am sure she will understand.