**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.**
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
Status:
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book?
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm actually doing pretty good right now. I guess my biggest struggle is that I am doing okay. I feel like I shouldn't be but I can't help that I am. I dunno, it's strange.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Got off the bench! Doc says it's unlikely we'll conceive before I get a period but doesn't mean we can't try
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? hmm...teen dramas on tv. Secret life of the American teenager, Pretty little liars. I love them. I keep forgetting to look into Lucy Hales new one but will.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 early losses
Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Overall, I’ve been doing a lot better emotionally. The only time in the last couple of weeks I’ve been really down is when AF arrived. I’m so hopeful about this cycle and I’m trying not to SS during the TWW. I had some of the same symptoms during my failed cycles as my CPs so I know all of the early symptoms mean absolutely nothing.
TW: Newborn baby mentioned
My SIL brought her newborn baby over this weekend and I was really worried it would make me feel depressed. It didn’t though. I have realized now that babies are not all triggering to me. Seeing pregnant women is what makes me upset and emotional.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I was supposed to go in and get a saline sonogram this month, but I really wanted to try another cycle without it first. If I’m not successful this cycle, I will schedule it for next month.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? The Vampire Diaries
@prplbttrfly77 Yay, I'm so happy that you are off the bench! I watched a bit of PLL too, but I got sick of the whole A stuff. I love all of the girls in it though.
TW
Me: 33 DH: 32 DS: March 2014 DD: May 2015 BFP: 12/24/17 CP: 1/2/18 @ 4w 3d BFP: 1/26/18 CP: 2/2/18 @ 4w 4d BFP: 5/16/18 MMC: 6/15/18 @ 7w 5d BFP: 9/25/18! EDD: 6/9/19 TEAM GREEN
Hi everyone. I'm new to TTGP and will probably stick to just this thread at least for now. I hung out on BOTB before I got pregnant then was on the Oct BMB until my loss. Hope you don't mind me jumping in here. Also please let me know if anything I've written needs a TW... I assumed it wasn't needed here but I am happy to correct if I'm wrong.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
I just had my first loss, it was also my first pregnancy. I was supposed to be about 10 weeks along when we found out, 2 weeks ago today. I don't know when the baby stopped developing - at 7 weeks we saw a 5-week size baby with a heartbeat on ultrasound, and I had no signs of impending miscarriage but by 10 weeks there was only an empty sac. I kinda knew something was wrong when the baby measured so small the first time, but I was holding out hope since I saw that heartbeat. I ended up deciding to take cytotec so the actual loss happened over a few days last week.
Status: Benched until I have a period, possibly longer depending how DH and I are doing at that point.
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I am doing okay. Some days are good and some are bad. On the positive side, I'm feeling a lot better physically, and emotionally I'm just taking things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Little things I never would have thought of will hit me, like being in church yesterday, or today when a new staff member asked me if I ever want to have kids just to make conversation. I'm definitely struggling with the back-and-forth emotions and just not knowing when I'm gonna suddenly not be okay.
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Doctor did an ultrasound last Thurs and confirmed the cytotec worked and everything was out. Also got blood drawn and my HCG is lowering like it should. I'm grateful at least that part is over.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book?
I was also a big PLL fan but stopped watching right before the last season.. I couldn't deal with the crazy anymore, haha
@eleven_ A definitely got to be annoying but I still loved it
@diaphena I'm sorry for your loss. The healing process is a rollercoaster. The first week I was a mess. The second I was okay at some points and then something would happen and send me over the edge. And you should get on Netflix stat. You can't miss the last season!! You've dedicated the time might as well see how the end unfolds!
@prpl11butterfly I can totally relate with the feeling of being fine though I feel like I should still be not ok. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments but...I try and remind myself that everyone grieves in different ways, so even though it’s ok to not be ok, I also think it’s ok to be ok also, congrats on being off the bench!
@diaphena I’m so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here, but you have found a great support system here!
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. TTC since Jul17, EP with tube removal Feb18
Status: benched, waiting for AF to make its appearance
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I’m doing ok...life/work has been extremely busy so I’ve been mainly lurking on the random threads but I’ve found this thread so helpful in the past that I want to try and stay active on it for supporting others. I’m also almost 1 month into my 6 month bench so that’s exciting
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I have a follow up HCG on Friday and I’m crossing all the fingers/toes my levels are back to 0, bc if they are not I’m not sure what that means is next. The day of my surgery it was 5000ish and then a weeks later 43, so I’m hoping nothing weird is going on inside my Ute!
also have an acupuncture appointment next Monday in case AF has not shown up so hopefully that will move things along.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? Bachelor/bachelorette. I didn’t watch for quite a few seasons but now I’m like “when is the next season starting!!!”
@prpl11butterfly Yay for getting off the bench and good luck this cycle!
@eleven_ Pregnant women triggers me too, whereas babies don't bother me that much. Hopefully everything works out this month so you can skip the saline sono.
@diaphena I'm sorry you find yourself here, just remember that it's ok to not be ok.
@nmbrcrnchr1 I hope they rest of your time on the bench goes by quickly! I lurk the random and daily threads too, sometimes it's just too much for me to participate in those ones.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. TFAS - 4 early losses in the last 11 months
Status: WTO -> TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things have been going pretty well the last week until Saturday night (see spoiler). Rave: The last few days I've come to really depend on DH to keep us going on our TTC journey. I was ready to give up, but he just told me we got to keep going. Another rave: On Thursday I'm going over a potential job offer. They interviewed me last November, but hired someone with slightly more experience and told me that once another position opens, they will give me a call. So if I take the job (and if we are unsuccessful this cycle) we are going to take a break for 4 months, so that I qualify for the mat leave top up.
TW in spoiler** Pregnant women **
On Saturday night we went for dinner with 3 other couples to celebrate my DH's cousin's birthday. I knew that DH's cousin was pregnant (she's due a couple days before my third loss), so I was prepared for that, but one of the other couples is due in a week. Luckily I managed to sit with the guys, so I could tune out all the pregnancy talk when I needed to, but it really put me in a bad mood when I got home.
We also noticed that the cousin's wife was drinking a little bit of wine too, which really pissed off my DH. Normally that stuff doesn't bother him, but we chatted about it on our way home and he doesn't understand why she would risk it. I guess after all our losses, he doesn't think taking risks while pregnant is worth it.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? OPKs
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? I started watching Gossip Girl, and it's been so entertaining! Don't judge me!
@diaphena I remember you from BOTB and I am so, so sorry to see you here and so sorry for your loss. I'm glad at least that the cytotec worked. Be gentle with yourself and take whatever time you need off of TTC until you feel ready.
Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I had kind of an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, all just because of myself and letting my thoughts get away from me. But I'm okay. I just wish time would speed up so I'd know if I'm out this cycle or not. With it being the last chance for a 2018 baby and the last chance of getting pregnant before the due date of my first loss, I just want to know if I'm out or not so I can start dealing with whatever reality is going to happen.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? It's not a guilty pleasure I guess, but I have watched the entirety of 30 Rock probably a dozen times. I've seen every episode so much I've basically memorized it. It's like the tv version of comfort food for me.
Had to do the rest of my tags in a separate post because tagging was being SUPER wonky and weird for some reason.
@prpl11butterfly Try not to second guess feeling good! You are entitled to feel whatever way you feel, and it's great that you've been feeling good. Also, yay for being unbenched!
@eleven_ I'm glad you've been doing better emotionally and I hear you about not SS during the TWW because you've been burned by that before. I'm trying to ignore any potential symptoms completely.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 2/13 and molar MMC 8/17
Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I am overly hopeful, which I know will crush me if this isn't my month. I am also super freaked out about having another loss, I hadn't put too much thought into that until this week, since everything is becoming real again.
I am like you, babies are fine (usually, sometimes I don't want them near me.) I do not like to be around pregnant women. I still haven't met my nephew! He is 2 weeks old tomorrow, but my kids keep getting sick!
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.: 2 losses in the past 2 years- 1 in 13th week, and a cp
Status: Probably 1 dpo, waiting on FF to confirm
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are going pretty well. I had my intro RE appointment with DH on Friday, and she was very friendly and sensitive and went over what to expect, and outlined my initial testing.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I have an ultrasound after AF starts (well, if she shows up), DH has an SA in a couple weeks. Waiting on results for an expanded genetic screening panel and AMH in the meantime.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? Tough one... I’ll watch the Fifth Element any time it’s on. It’s just so fun and colorful.
Aaagh mobile is flipping out with tagging so I’ll be back later.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1 loss, D&C 2/26/18
Status: NTNP, 5DPO (I am completely guessing here based on symptoms, no temping or OPKs this cycle).
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Rave: The weather this weekend and today has been gorgeous. Rant: It's going to be 32 and rainy tomorrow, welcome to spring?
Any testing coming up/any recent results? No.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? I like teen supernatural and/or dystopian books, shows, movies, you name it (think: Hunger Games, Vampire Academy, etc.).
@prpl11butterfly - Congrats for getting off the bench! Also, I am right there with you on teen dramas though I apparently prefer those with a supernatural twist (teen wolf, vampire diaries, are some oldy but goody favs).
@eleven_ - Having some of the same symptoms now I had with my first pregnancy (/that are also just part of life and could mean I am a living person who sometimes gets stuffy, or cramps, etc.), so needed to read the "I know all of the early symptoms mean absolutely nothing."
@diaphena - So sorry for your loss. "Welcome" to our group. I hope you take the time you need to heal (physically and emotionally), it's definitely an up/down emotional process (for me, anyway). You will be OK
@nmbrcrnchr1 - Sorry for your loss, glad you have found this group helpful. 6 month bench is rough - congrats on being almost 20% through it!!
@chloandcoco - Thanks for starting the weekly thread. Congrats on the job offer!! You must have made a great impression last Nov. I'm hoping everything
@maureenmce & @holly321 - FX for a 2018 baby for you both and, if not, that you have some about of peace with that and it is not too hard a month/week/day for you.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
1 ectopic loss at 9 weeks with left tube removed. Worst day of my life. 1 early CP end of January.
Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I feel like I'm always struggling tbh. I was talking to my MIL about how people avoid the topic with me or DH doesn't want me to feel sad, but I told her anytime you see me ever, I'm thinking about it. When I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm working, when I'm driving, when I'm hanging out with friends, when I'm cooking, anytime. She said how can you bring up something that's always in the front of your mind, if it's always there. Literally the first person to get what I'm saying. So when I see this question that's what goes through my brain. It's like my real answer is: "I'm bad, I'm worried I'll never ovulate from my right, we'll never have a child, I'm going to have this giant hole in my heart that I have to figure out how to live with" but instead I write "doing ok"
Any testing coming up/any recent results? No
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? Made in Chelsea. H hates it because I tend to say "like" more after watching it. But what he doesn't realize is I find myself just as annoyed, but I can't give it up.
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R Rant: Just having so much trouble getting the rest of my meds for this cycle... its bringing out the b!tch in me
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Just had my TSH looked at last week and while its "normal" its not what they like for fertility patients
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? The BBC pride and Prejudice miniseries... My hubs always knows when I'm drained or sad because I will def watch this... but I also watch it when I'm happy! lol I call it a guilty pleasure because I watch it too much
prpl11butterfly I'm glad youre doing ok! It can take some time to accept the rollercoaster of loss. @eleven_ Glad youre doing better too!! @diaphena So sorry you find yourself here.... hoping you heal quickly @nmbrcrnchr1 Hope youre down to zero... I'm one of those ppl that my numbers get low fast but that last little bit to zero seems to take forever! @ChloandCoco Ugh... so sorry that event was though... its like living in a minefield sometimes @maureenmce The TWW is brutal... are you going to test early? I do the same thing your do with 30 rock for my guilty pleasure (pride and prejudice) @holly321 I am keeping everything crossed for you this month!!! I am also having problems tagging, but since I'm on my desktop I'm just typing the names in
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? iui was Saturday. I'm struggling with the idea that a loss could happen again. It's very hard to be hopeful this tww for the first time ever, even more so than struggling with IF for so long. I don't know that anything is going particularly well this week so far. @prpl11butterfly I relate to what you said about being okay but feeling like you shouldn't be. I know that feeling very well.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nothing other than hpt on 3/31 which I'm dreading. New clinic doesn't do betas unless to confirm a +hpt. I may just demand it from them anyway since I pay for it out of pocket. I'm also going to demand a female perform my iui from now on if this cycle fails. I was completely uprooted by that on saturday. Never again.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? Right now, it has been teen wolf. The book I'm reading right now that's really good is called running scared. It has helped me tremendously with fear and anxiety.
@dragonette505 Sorry to hear you have to add another med to the pot. It's good to see you online. Hugs What should tsh be in a treatment cycle?
@eleven_ That spoiler totally makes sense because of early loss. Hugs to you dear! I love vampire diaries though I was disappointed in how they chose to make it end. It had gone on long enough, but I felt like they could've done a better job. Have you seen true blood yet?
@diaphena I'm so sorry for your loss. All the love and hugs
@ChloandCoco It sounds like you have a very supportive husband. I know what you mean. Mh and I talk about things like that too. One example, non drinking related but sort of. A woman on our street was shouting at a man all day long and all night long yesterday. The windows of her car got busted and all kinds of stuff. In the fights, we heard her mention she has kids at home. She doesn't even live on our street. We had a discussion about why is she out here doing all of this stuff with kids at home. It's clear that others don't see their kids as a blessing. Here all of us are doing everything we can just to get a baby and there are people who don't appreciate the ones they have. Sorry you didn't have a good dinner and I'm glad yh is encouraging you to keep going!
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
@eleven_ I'm the same way. Pregnant women are much more triggering to me then babies right now. I think it's because I should be due in June. I'm sure once June hits babies will be more triggering for me because I should have had one. I think it's all very normal to have different things that bother you and at different times. Some more triggering then others.
@diaphena - I'm really sorry you find yourself here. There are no words that will make you feel better or take the pain away. I've found its always there no matter what, But welcome to our group. It can be comforting to know you're not alone though.
@diaphena I’m so very sorry you find yourself here. @nmbrcrnchr1 same on bachelor/bachelorette haven’t watched in 5ish years but Arie sucked me back in, even though well you know how that went. @galactickates so many hugs @suzycupcake Fingers crossed for you
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 early losses 8/17, 1/18
Status: Self benched until May
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Not well will put in spoiler because of multiple triggers, length, and just overall my constant struggling
TW***Pregnancy, kids, cancer*** So as you all know I have been struggling the past couple weeks with the due date of my first loss coming up in a couple weeks(April 7). Today I took DS to his music class and one of he mom's there was clearly pregnant, I had no idea. I started crying when I saw her and of course everyone in class noticed. I'm really struggling with what is wrong with me. I know her fertility has nothing to do with mine but it's hard not to feel how unfair it is. This will be her 3rd in 5 years, and our music class teacher has 4. Out of a class with 5 families I am one of the two who only has one child. Then I start doubting my parenting and think well maybe I'm not a good enough mom and that is why I am not being given another. I know I am so lucky to have one and two step children(however I came into their life late enough i'm not even step mom really, someone they care about yes but not mom or even step mom), but it still seems so unfair when people are have 3+ without any hesitation or work. I'm really trying not to be bitter but it's not working. FIL will have his first Oncology appointment Wednesday and I'm super nervous about what we are going to find out, the day before my birthday none the less. I chatted with my sister a bit today and her marriage is getting worse and not better. There is literally nothing I can do and I hate that. She won't talk and I don't think she is really talking with her husband either but I can't really talk to her about that. She won't listen and I don't give out advice on things like marriage when it isn't asked for. I hate seeing her hurt and I want to help but she won't let anyone help her.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? I also watched PPL but have never finished it out. I can quote 98% of every episode of Friends I have watched it so much. I read a lot of teen dystopian novals Hunger Games, Divergent, Twilight...All of which HG was the only series who's movies were descent.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
3 losses in the past 4 months. MMC dx 12/8/17 @ 9 weeks, follow up elective D&C and 2 early losses Feb/Mar
Status: WTO
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I'm feeling better this week than I was the last 2 weeks, some hopefulness has returned. I think making an RE appointment helped because if this cycle is a bust or ends in another loss I can at least look forward to coming up with a plan. As far as struggles, my H and I got into a fight this weekend because he's been feeling pretty neglected since I've kind of emotionally checked out the last few months after all we've been through, and in anger he said that maybe all the losses are a sign that maybe we shouldn't be together. So that was fun. He did apologize and we talked and I explained that I'm barely keeping myself together and don't have really anything else to give to others right now, which I know is something I should have told him a long time ago. I put on a brave face for the world, including for him, so I know it wasn't obvious how much I'm hurting, but it's not something I can easily forget. I now understand why tragedy/grief is so hard on relationships; you both need each other and yet neither of you is capable of being truly emotionally available.
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Done with all the testing I can do with my OB (blood tests and hysteroscopy), everything was normal. RE appointment scheduled for 4/18.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? Ash vs Evil Dead (the show). It's so over the top but it's also hilarious.
Me: 35 H: 35 Married: 4/5/13 "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." ~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #1: 11/12/12 EDD 7/25/13 Baby boy: 7/27/13 BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18 BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18 RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28 BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19 BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
@coco2787 - ouch! Not the same at all.. but I remember during wedding planning, H and I we're fighting so much he said "maybe we just shouldn't get married" he immediately regretted it to but my god did that sting in the moment. I think in relationships when it looks like there is no end in sight, because we aren't fortune tellers, in the heat of the moment you just want XYZ to stop and it's easy to say things you regret. Sometimes it takes those extreme words to make a change, any kind. I'm sorry it got to that point with you guys but it sounds like it opened up a line of communication for you too. Also I hope you don't think I'm defending your H. When I read those words I wanted to punch him for you, first instinct was to be defensive of you. I mean you have absolutely no control over any of this. And how dare he say something so cruel, but those are all things you probably already felt and said out loud. I think I was just trying to think of something helpful to say.
@coco2787 I'm sorry that you guys had to shell it out like that over the weekend, but it's great that you guys talked and worked through it. Mh and I went through this like crazy when my father was dying last year. It was very very difficult, even more so because we were in different states while I cared for him. I was POA over his health and financials as well as one of his primary caregivers. I think that going through all of that and coming out the other side helped mh realize the nature of great loss. Not that he has never lost anyone, but losing a parent or a child has to be the worst, from my own experience. So when we had an early loss, he right away started reading about it and helped me through it.
He recognized that I wasn't feeling like myself before I did. Like you, I wear the same brave face. I'm the one who will smile and tell you I'm having a great day when I'm so not. It's not that I'm trying to lie, but I fear putting my issues on other people. I don't want them to be sad too. So I think that, if we hadn't gone through that last year, mh would have reacted the same way yh did. In fact, I know that he would have. We've certainly had many situations where he has responded to me in a less than sensitive manner. I'm not excusing it because it certainly cuts deep, especially when someone uses what I like to call "leaving words". Because I know mh so well, I know that his use of that language means he is feeling super insecure, he misses me (he has often said he misses me even though I'm right next to him, but it's because mentally and emotionally, I'm somewhere else), and is stressed out. I hope that the two of you will find a way to take some time out this week to go on a date and force yourselves to reconnect, spending intimate time learning more about each other. Big hugs!
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
thank you @galactickates and @suzycupcake. I know his words came from a place of hurting, and I know that I need to get better at communicating my feelings and needs so that we don't get to these breaking points. He's sad about the losses too, but I don't think he had any idea how soul sucking this whole experience has been for me and that I miss the person I used to be too. Loss fucking sucks.
Me: 35 H: 35 Married: 4/5/13 "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." ~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #1: 11/12/12 EDD 7/25/13 Baby boy: 7/27/13 BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18 BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18 RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28 BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19 BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
suzycupcake I have heard of clinics that wont do beta without a positive HPT.... But since you are paying you should totally get one if you want it! Also sorry you were so thrown by your doc for your IUI... they should definitely give a heads up so you can either be prepared or make a different arrangement! Its such an emotional moment already! As for TSH, ive seen most places want between 2.5-2.8 on the high end. last year I was 2.8 and my doc wasn't comfortable with transferring...I went on thyroid hormones for 3 days but started going hyper and they took me off so I wouldn't get sick. this time I'm 3 which is still in the "normal" range, but not for transfer... I'm on half the smallest dose every other day and I hope it will get me in the target zone. kindbytealikat I'm so so sorry you have been struggling... have you spoken to any grief counselors? I honestly think it could help... I know there are some that are fertility focused and it can give you a space to get to a better place. Sending hugs coco2787 Sending hugs.. its so easy to speak in anger... I'm sure he was just hurting too and wanted to shake you out of your disconnection (but OBVIOUSLY that wasn't the way to go!!) First and foremost I will tell you I am the same way... I go silent and aloof when I'm going through stuff like this... my hubs is used to it now and knows whats up, but when we first got together he told me nothing hurts or scares him more than when I'm not communicating. I'm so glad you guys talked it out (even though I know it was probably hard to do). PLease know we are here for you and will always have your back! PS I made my hubs read a little of a loss thread just to know what we ladies are going through and how we are here pouring out our hearts just so we can get up each day and not break into a million pieces. And I told him that I know he is sad, but to try to understand how it is for the woman who had these little lives in our bodies... the loss cant be quantified.
You should never ever question whether you are a good mom. Your losses have nothing to do with your parenting. You just had really bad luck. Are you able to go talk to someone? It sounds like there's a lot happening in your life right now, and it might help to let it out.
@coco2787 I'm sorry you and your DH got into a fight. Grief/loss is really hard on a relationship, but if you can work through it together, you will come out stronger in the end. Also, I've been meaning to tell you that I really like your new profile picture.
@coco2787 Oh my gosh, what a tough argument. That must've really, really hurt. Big hugs to you. Grieving is definitely something that's very tough to do together because everyone processes things so differently. And I think, in some ways, it's just impossible for our significant others to understand how hard it is to deal with loss that happens *to you* and like, *within your body* and it is incredibly difficult to put into words sometimes, even, how you feel and how much it takes a toll. I'm thinking of you and hoping things get better.
@kindbytealikat **TW children mentioned*** I feel you so much on seeing women on their second or third kid while you're still trying. It's SO hard. I'm getting to the point that with my J16 group, it seems like everyone is either pregnant with or has already had their next kid and I'm just over here still grieving two losses and feeling like time is flying by and I'm standing still. I wish I had something more positive to say, but I hope it at least helps to know you are 100% NOT alone in feeling this way and I'm sending you big hugs. end TW***
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 early losses in the last year. One previous loss before DS.
Status: in the TWW, waiting to see the RE next month.
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? We're supposed to get anywhere from 0-15" of snow, so yay?
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I may POAS this weekend. We don't see the RE until the 12th.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy.
@dragonette505 Forgot to answer your question! I think I'm going to test a couple days early. AF is expected to come on a Friday (the 30th) but if I get a positive I would want to do betas/progesterone right away without waiting over the weekend, so I may test that Wednesday and, if BFN, again on Thursday. Also, I love Pride and Prejudice! Do you have a favorite version? I also adore Sense and Sensibility, which is probably my comfort movie that I could watch as many times as 30 Rock.
@ChloandCoco We're cycle buddies! Have you decided when you're testing? Also, I somehow missed your response earlier, I'm so glad your DH has been your rock lately and is helping you to keep going. Hugs to you!
@nmbrcrnchr1 I somehow missed responding to you earlier too - I really hope your HSG is back to zero!
@dragonette505 Forgot to answer your question! I think I'm going to test a couple days early. AF is expected to come on a Friday (the 30th) but if I get a positive I would want to do betas/progesterone right away without waiting over the weekend, so I may test that Wednesday and, if BFN, again on Thursday. Also, I love Pride and Prejudice! Do you have a favorite version? I also adore Sense and Sensibility, which is probably my comfort movie that I could watch as many times as 30 Rock.
The BBC pride and prejudice with with Colin Firth!!! OMG... the whole production is SOOO good! And I love sense and sensibility... the only thing I would change is Hugh Grant! Well, and honestly, Emma Thompson was a bit old for her part, but I love her so she stays!
@dragonette505 YES. The BBC version is the best one by far. I adore it. I did like the Keira Knightly one, but it's just not the same. Oh now I feel like I should rewatch it soon.
Thanks @dragonette505 for supporting me and answering that question. The reason that I asked is because thyroid problems run deep on my mom's side of the family. Mine has always been in the 'normal' range too, but if it's such a big deal in ivf cycles, (as I know it can cause losses), I wonder if it also should be a big deal in iui cycles. I'm gonna talk to my doctor about that this week. I think they just did a full panel on me so maybe thyroid stuff was included in there.
Also, I am curious because I remember you saying that they may have been able to get one more egg for your cycle. I can't remember where you posted about that. Did you end up getting another one? When is your transfer?
@coco2787 Mh and I find that the single greatest cause of a fight we are having is exactly because of what we didn't do leading up to that fight. It can be a lack of communication, not spending enough quality time together, etc. That amazes me. We've been together for 7 years now and sometimes, well, it's hard to find new things to talk about. I notice that often, we are only talking about life's responsibilities and nothing else. It's the little things I think that matter the most. And it's difficult to communicate needs especially if you're the person who is used to taking care of everyone else.
One of the things that I did this week was for example, last night, when I was cramping really badly. Mh was in the other room doing computer stuff. I texted him to tell him that I felt lonely and really need him to just sit next to me. He came out and apologized saying that he figured since I was in pain, that I would want to be left alone. I went even further to be vulnerable with him and told him that I never want to be alone when I'm in pain. That there may not be anything that he can do to fix it, but holding my hand makes a world of a difference. He sat with me, held my hand, and told me how nice it is to feel needed. It has taken me 7 years to express this need to him!
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
@suzycupcake Somehow I missed your initial post too! This website has been so wonky for me this week. Anyway, sending you so much good luck for your hpt on 3/31. I know you really didn't want to have to take one and I'm sorry you have to, but I'm sending you all my best wishes for testing.
@maureenmce Thanks hun. I haven't been getting a lot of my notifications and this site has been wonky for me too lately. I wonder when is the last time they did an update lol Plus though, it's much harder to navigate on a phone. Don't they have an app to make it more mobile friendly?
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
suzycupcake I would ask (even though its a pain in the butt) If you are in the range, then at least you know and you don't have to worry about it. I hate having to take the meds, but obv i'll stand on one leg and bark like a dog if it would make my transfer work! lol As for getting extra eggs... YUP. You know how the follicle count is just a guestimate.... some follicles are empty and some have multiple eggs. But more likely since the ovary is basically 3D and they are scanning it on a 2D screen, they can sometimes miss one or two. Ive definitely had and extra one or two pop up at retrieval! Also... so sweet what your told your hubs!
@dragonett Yay for another egg!!!!!! That's crazy that they use 2D scanners for that sh#! then after spending all of that money. I didn't know follicles can be empty or that some can have multiple. I learn so much from you. Lol at your bark like a dog comment. It reminded me of the movie coming to america.
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
Re: TTCAL - March 19th
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 early losses
Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Overall, I’ve been doing a lot better emotionally. The only time in the last couple of weeks I’ve been really down is when AF arrived. I’m so hopeful about this cycle and I’m trying not to SS during the TWW. I had some of the same symptoms during my failed cycles as my CPs so I know all of the early symptoms mean absolutely nothing.
TW: Newborn baby mentioned
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I was supposed to go in and get a saline sonogram this month, but I really wanted to try another cycle without it first. If I’m not successful this cycle, I will schedule it for next month.
GTKY: What is your guilty pleasure movie, tv show, or book? The Vampire Diaries
@prplbttrfly77 Yay, I'm so happy that you are off the bench! I watched a bit of PLL too, but I got sick of the whole A stuff. I love all of the girls in it though.
DS: March 2014
DD: May 2015
BFP: 12/24/17 CP: 1/2/18 @ 4w 3d
BFP: 1/26/18 CP: 2/2/18 @ 4w 4d
BFP: 5/16/18 MMC: 6/15/18 @ 7w 5d
BFP: 9/25/18! EDD: 6/9/19 TEAM GREEN
I just had my first loss, it was also my first pregnancy. I was supposed to be about 10 weeks along when we found out, 2 weeks ago today. I don't know when the baby stopped developing - at 7 weeks we saw a 5-week size baby with a heartbeat on ultrasound, and I had no signs of impending miscarriage but by 10 weeks there was only an empty sac. I kinda knew something was wrong when the baby measured so small the first time, but I was holding out hope since I saw that heartbeat. I ended up deciding to take cytotec so the actual loss happened over a few days last week.
I am doing okay. Some days are good and some are bad. On the positive side, I'm feeling a lot better physically, and emotionally I'm just taking things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Little things I never would have thought of will hit me, like being in church yesterday, or today when a new staff member asked me if I ever want to have kids just to make conversation. I'm definitely struggling with the back-and-forth emotions and just not knowing when I'm gonna suddenly not be okay.
Doctor did an ultrasound last Thurs and confirmed the cytotec worked and everything was out. Also got blood drawn and my HCG is lowering like it should. I'm grateful at least that part is over.
I was also a big PLL fan but stopped watching right before the last season.. I couldn't deal with the crazy anymore, haha
@diaphena I'm sorry for your loss. The healing process is a rollercoaster. The first week I was a mess. The second I was okay at some points and then something would happen and send me over the edge. And you should get on Netflix stat. You can't miss the last season!! You've dedicated the time might as well see how the end unfolds!
@eleven_ fx for you this cycle!!!
@diaphena I’m so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here, but you have found a great support system here!
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. TTC since Jul17, EP with tube removal Feb18
also have an acupuncture appointment next Monday in case AF has not shown up so hopefully that will move things along.
TFAS - 4 early losses in the last 11 months
Status: TWW
I had kind of an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, all just because of myself and letting my thoughts get away from me. But I'm okay. I just wish time would speed up so I'd know if I'm out this cycle or not. With it being the last chance for a 2018 baby and the last chance of getting pregnant before the due date of my first loss, I just want to know if I'm out or not so I can start dealing with whatever reality is going to happen.
*Edited to add my status.
@prpl11butterfly Try not to second guess feeling good! You are entitled to feel whatever way you feel, and it's great that you've been feeling good. Also, yay for being unbenched!
@eleven_ I'm glad you've been doing better emotionally and I hear you about not SS during the TWW because you've been burned by that before. I'm trying to ignore any potential symptoms completely.
I am overly hopeful, which I know will crush me if this isn't my month. I am also super freaked out about having another loss, I hadn't put too much thought into that until this week, since everything is becoming real again.
No!
@prpl11butterfly, that's great you are off the bench!
@eleven_
Aaagh mobile is flipping out with tagging so I’ll be back later.
@prpl11butterfly - Congrats for getting off the bench! Also, I am right there with you on teen dramas though I apparently prefer those with a supernatural twist (teen wolf, vampire diaries, are some oldy but goody favs).
@eleven_ - Having some of the same symptoms now I had with my first pregnancy (/that are also just part of life and could mean I am a living person who sometimes gets stuffy, or cramps, etc.), so needed to read the "I know all of the early symptoms mean absolutely nothing."
@diaphena - So sorry for your loss. "Welcome" to our group. I hope you take the time you need to heal (physically and emotionally), it's definitely an up/down emotional process (for me, anyway). You will be OK
@nmbrcrnchr1 - Sorry for your loss, glad you have found this group helpful. 6 month bench is rough - congrats on being almost 20% through it!!
@chloandcoco - Thanks for starting the weekly thread. Congrats on the job offer!! You must have made a great impression last Nov. I'm hoping everything
@maureenmce & @holly321 - FX for a 2018 baby for you both and, if not, that you have some about of peace with that and it is not too hard a month/week/day for you.
So when I see this question that's what goes through my brain. It's like my real answer is: "I'm bad, I'm worried I'll never ovulate from my right, we'll never have a child, I'm going to have this giant hole in my heart that I have to figure out how to live with" but instead I write "doing ok"
No
Made in Chelsea. H hates it because I tend to say "like" more after watching it. But what he doesn't realize is I find myself just as annoyed, but I can't give it up.
prpl11butterfly I'm glad youre doing ok! It can take some time to accept the rollercoaster of loss.
@eleven_ Glad youre doing better too!!
@diaphena So sorry you find yourself here.... hoping you heal quickly
@nmbrcrnchr1 Hope youre down to zero... I'm one of those ppl that my numbers get low fast but that last little bit to zero seems to take forever!
@ChloandCoco Ugh... so sorry that event was though... its like living in a minefield sometimes
@maureenmce The TWW is brutal... are you going to test early? I do the same thing your do with 30 rock for my guilty pleasure (pride and prejudice)
@holly321 I am keeping everything crossed for you this month!!! I am also having problems tagging, but since I'm on my desktop I'm just typing the names in
@dragonette505 Sorry to hear you have to add another med to the pot. It's good to see you online. Hugs What should tsh be in a treatment cycle?
@eleven_ That spoiler totally makes sense because of early loss. Hugs to you dear! I love vampire diaries though I was disappointed in how they chose to make it end. It had gone on long enough, but I felt like they could've done a better job. Have you seen true blood yet?
@diaphena I'm so sorry for your loss. All the love and hugs
@ChloandCoco It sounds like you have a very supportive husband. I know what you mean. Mh and I talk about things like that too. One example, non drinking related but sort of. A woman on our street was shouting at a man all day long and all night long yesterday. The windows of her car got busted and all kinds of stuff. In the fights, we heard her mention she has kids at home. She doesn't even live on our street. We had a discussion about why is she out here doing all of this stuff with kids at home. It's clear that others don't see their kids as a blessing. Here all of us are doing everything we can just to get a baby and there are people who don't appreciate the ones they have. Sorry you didn't have a good dinner and I'm glad yh is encouraging you to keep going!
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
@diaphena - I'm really sorry you find yourself here. There are no words that will make you feel better or take the pain away. I've found its always there no matter what, But welcome to our group. It can be comforting to know you're not alone though.
@nmbrcrnchr1 same on bachelor/bachelorette haven’t watched in 5ish years but Arie sucked me back in, even though well you know how that went.
@galactickates so many hugs
@suzycupcake Fingers crossed for you
So as you all know I have been struggling the past couple weeks with the due date of my first loss coming up in a couple weeks(April 7). Today I took DS to his music class and one of he mom's there was clearly pregnant, I had no idea. I started crying when I saw her and of course everyone in class noticed. I'm really struggling with what is wrong with me. I know her fertility has nothing to do with mine but it's hard not to feel how unfair it is. This will be her 3rd in 5 years, and our music class teacher has 4. Out of a class with 5 families I am one of the two who only has one child. Then I start doubting my parenting and think well maybe I'm not a good enough mom and that is why I am not being given another. I know I am so lucky to have one and two step children(however I came into their life late enough i'm not even step mom really, someone they care about yes but not mom or even step mom), but it still seems so unfair when people are have 3+ without any hesitation or work. I'm really trying not to be bitter but it's not working.
FIL will have his first Oncology appointment Wednesday and I'm super nervous about what we are going to find out, the day before my birthday none the less.
I chatted with my sister a bit today and her marriage is getting worse and not better. There is literally nothing I can do and I hate that. She won't talk and I don't think she is really talking with her husband either but I can't really talk to her about that. She won't listen and I don't give out advice on things like marriage when it isn't asked for. I hate seeing her hurt and I want to help but she won't let anyone help her.
HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
Ash vs Evil Dead (the show). It's so over the top but it's also hilarious.
Married: 4/5/13
"You know that place between sleep and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting."
~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks
BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18
BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18
RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal
BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl
Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28
BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19
BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
He recognized that I wasn't feeling like myself before I did. Like you, I wear the same brave face. I'm the one who will smile and tell you I'm having a great day when I'm so not. It's not that I'm trying to lie, but I fear putting my issues on other people. I don't want them to be sad too. So I think that, if we hadn't gone through that last year, mh would have reacted the same way yh did. In fact, I know that he would have. We've certainly had many situations where he has responded to me in a less than sensitive manner. I'm not excusing it because it certainly cuts deep, especially when someone uses what I like to call "leaving words". Because I know mh so well, I know that his use of that language means he is feeling super insecure, he misses me (he has often said he misses me even though I'm right next to him, but it's because mentally and emotionally, I'm somewhere else), and is stressed out. I hope that the two of you will find a way to take some time out this week to go on a date and force yourselves to reconnect, spending intimate time learning more about each other. Big hugs!
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
Married: 4/5/13
"You know that place between sleep and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting."
~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks
BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18
BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18
RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal
BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl
Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28
BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19
BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
kindbytealikat I'm so so sorry you have been struggling... have you spoken to any grief counselors? I honestly think it could help... I know there are some that are fertility focused and it can give you a space to get to a better place. Sending hugs
coco2787 Sending hugs.. its so easy to speak in anger... I'm sure he was just hurting too and wanted to shake you out of your disconnection (but OBVIOUSLY that wasn't the way to go!!) First and foremost I will tell you I am the same way... I go silent and aloof when I'm going through stuff like this... my hubs is used to it now and knows whats up, but when we first got together he told me nothing hurts or scares him more than when I'm not communicating. I'm so glad you guys talked it out (even though I know it was probably hard to do). PLease know we are here for you and will always have your back! PS I made my hubs read a little of a loss thread just to know what we ladies are going through and how we are here pouring out our hearts just so we can get up each day and not break into a million pieces. And I told him that I know he is sad, but to try to understand how it is for the woman who had these little lives in our bodies... the loss cant be quantified.
@kindbytealikat **TW children mentioned*** I feel you so much on seeing women on their second or third kid while you're still trying. It's SO hard. I'm getting to the point that with my J16 group, it seems like everyone is either pregnant with or has already had their next kid and I'm just over here still grieving two losses and feeling like time is flying by and I'm standing still. I wish I had something more positive to say, but I hope it at least helps to know you are 100% NOT alone in feeling this way and I'm sending you big hugs. end TW***
Status: in the TWW, waiting to see the RE next month.
DS 05/29/2013
M/C 02/14/2017
M/C 06/05/2017
C/P 03/01/2018
BFP 05/17/2018 EDD 01/27/2019
@nmbrcrnchr1 I somehow missed responding to you earlier too - I really hope your HSG is back to zero!
The BBC pride and prejudice with with Colin Firth!!! OMG... the whole production is SOOO good! And I love sense and sensibility... the only thing I would change is Hugh Grant! Well, and honestly, Emma Thompson was a bit old for her part, but I love her so she stays!
Also, I am curious because I remember you saying that they may have been able to get one more egg for your cycle. I can't remember where you posted about that. Did you end up getting another one? When is your transfer?
@coco2787 Mh and I find that the single greatest cause of a fight we are having is exactly because of what we didn't do leading up to that fight. It can be a lack of communication, not spending enough quality time together, etc. That amazes me. We've been together for 7 years now and sometimes, well, it's hard to find new things to talk about. I notice that often, we are only talking about life's responsibilities and nothing else. It's the little things I think that matter the most. And it's difficult to communicate needs especially if you're the person who is used to taking care of everyone else.
One of the things that I did this week was for example, last night, when I was cramping really badly. Mh was in the other room doing computer stuff. I texted him to tell him that I felt lonely and really need him to just sit next to me. He came out and apologized saying that he figured since I was in pain, that I would want to be left alone. I went even further to be vulnerable with him and told him that I never want to be alone when I'm in pain. That there may not be anything that he can do to fix it, but holding my hand makes a world of a difference. He sat with me, held my hand, and told me how nice it is to feel needed. It has taken me 7 years to express this need to him!
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN