Blended Families

riverbed · March 2018

@mrsbubbles-2 and I thought this thread would be good to have for those of us who are bringing this LO into a blended family.

I am hoping this thread can stay related to issues, questions and concerns about bringing our new LOs into a blended family, and not just turn into a b**ch session about other topics. Though they do all relate to another in way don't they? Anyway, maybe its best to start off with some basic info about our particular situations. Feel free to add a question I may have forgotten but you think should be included.

How long have you and SO been together/married? DH and I have been together since 2013, married since end of 2014.

How many step/bonus kids (gender/ages) do you have? 16 yo SD, 13 & 11 SS

How many bio kids from previous relationship do you have? DS 6 (7 in May)

Any bio kids with SO? This will be our first together.

How often do you have each kid (visitation schedules)? SD is here all the time and has visitation with her mom every other weekend. SSs (different mom than SD) are here every other week Friday-Friday. DS is here every other week Monday-Monday. All boys are only here all together on weekends. Ex. Tomorrow (Fri) SSs will go back to their mom's for a week. DS is at his dad's and will come here on Monday and stay through next weekend until the next Monday.
This situation with the boys has worked very well for us, as everyone gets more one on one time with the step parent as well as with bio parent.
**We switch this up sometimes during the summer and usually have all the boys at one time because they entertain each other well.

How did your other children take the news of a new baby? DS is thrilled. The older two SK say they're excited, but they are just so polite its hard to tell if its real. The youngest SS, I think he is coming around, but I know its been a hard adjustment to make, and I think at the beginning he was not happy about not being his dad's baby anymore. He has definitely been more clingy lately.

Special Snowflake (seriously though, any other info that helps understand your situation better)? SD's mom has a long history of drug abuse. DH and bio mom were 19 when she was born, never dated, it was a one night stand after a frat party in college. DH had full custody of her from 9-10 years old until 2016. Then again from 10/2016 until 9/2017. Its a frustrating situation on many levels.
Much more, I'm sure but that is the jist of explaining a complicated situation.

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

How long have you and SO been together/married? Married for just over 2 years, together for about a year and a half before that (I'm terrible with dates!)

How many step/bonus kids (gender/ages) do you have? 1 kiddo, he's about to be 13

How many bio kids from previous relationship do you have?

Any bio kids with SO? We have one son together and are expecting a daughter in August

How often do you have each kid (visitation schedules)? My step-son is with us about 50/50 but we play it pretty fast and loose. We recently moved super close to his mom so we're only 4 minutes apart now. I put in a long thing in the In Laws thread about it but the Cliffs Notes version is that DH hasn't had contact with his bio family since he joined the military. When he and DSS's mom were married, her family treated him as a son and that never stopped once they split. We are all super close and they treat me like their bonus sister / daughter. So we moved close since we all hang out together pretty much all the time. So our blended family situation is pretty unique. DSS's mom's husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage and we are very much involved in the kids' lives as well.

How did your other children take the news of a new baby? So DS is 18 months and has no idea what's going on and DSS has been a little reserved. I think he's feeling a bit like the odd kid out - there are 2 kids at our house that are his half-siblings and 2 kids at his mom's that are his step-siblings and I think he's just feeling like he needs some extra attention as the family grows. There has been more attention seeking behavior lately like intentionally breaking rules like bed time and stuff.

Special Snowflake (seriously though, any other info that helps understand your situation better)? Just super excited for this thread! I love being a step mom and I'm really invested in creating a relationship with DSS that is just ours, if that makes any sense? Like, I don't want our relationship to feel like it depends on DH being there to facilitate. I want us to have our own projects that we do together. So we spend a good amount of time in the kitchen and stuff.

hoff079 · March 2018

How long have you and SO been together/married? We married October 2015 after dating 2 years.

How many step/bonus kids (gender/ages) do you have? 11 yo SD and 8 you SS

How many bio kids from previous relationship do you have? 0

Any bio kids with SO? Currently pregnant, due Aug, our first together

How often do you have each kid (visitation schedules)? 50% of the time, both from same BM

How did your other children take the news of a new baby? They were soooo excited when we first told them! I think they are still excited; SS used to ask if I had any new info about the baby and I show them u/s pics.

Special Snowflake (seriously though, any other info that helps understand your situation better)? YES! Lots, and needing advice. After our engagement, BM started engaging with the kids and verbally alienating DH. She would tell them he was a bad dad and blame him for things, make up stuff and throw him under the bus. Then we got married, and I got pregnant (which, FYI, this is my IVF girl and something I thought would never happen!!!). Now she's slandering me to the kids and blaming me and the baby for the kids emotional health declining. The kids are constantly telling DH what she says because they are confused. SS is hurting badly; he's behind in school, struggles socially, inability to pay attention, and BM refuses to let us get him help aside from going to a counselor and giving him fish oil. I'm struggling too because this is my first, and probably only, child and I want to be happy and excited! And she's crushing me.

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

@hoff079 Hi and welcome! I'm so so sorry you're dealing with this. What is your husband's stance on this? Is he willing to talk with the kids' mom and try to come to an understanding? Do you have a court order? Is there anything in it about slander or negatively influencing the kids against the other parent? What about health care? Is there a clause that says that if a parent deems it necessary for health care for one of the kiddos they can act?

That's a lot of questions, I'm sorry it's probably like this wall of text. I would say that first, make sure that the kids know that they are loved and safe in your home, you and your husband are there to support them and talk to them about anything that is confusing them.

I understand wanting to be super happy about your baby and feeling like all you're doing is crossing hurdle after hurdle. It takes so much of that joy away. But your baby girl has been wished for, hoped for and is so loved already, I hope you find joy soon because you deserve it!

Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

hoff079 · March 2018

mrsbubbles-2 thank you so much! It's hard. He's worried about the ramifications if he does get an attorney and take her to court - he says she'll make our lives hell. He doesn't think she'll stop, doing counseling or going to court, and if we got full custody the kids would be crushed. I just want her to stop and I think the only way is for the law to get involved! Yeah their decree says they need to make joint decisions which is sad because she's only hurting her son in the situation. He's just in such a bad spot and who knows if he'll ever rebound for it.

We consistently talk to them and tell them how much we love them and support them. It's so hard being a stepmom and being helpless.

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

@hoff079 - I am really sorry you're dealing with all this. I understand your husband's hesitation, he doesn't want to accidentally make things worse for the kids when they are already in a bad spot.

I would seriously (and quietly) start documenting everything. Dates of conversations where the kids say that their mom is saying bad things, any phone calls or texts and what they involve. Anything from your DSS's school that shows that he isn't in the best place. Document it all. That way if you do decide to pursue court action you have a good reason backed up by the fact that she isn't doing right by the kids.

You are an amazing step mom, you've put their needs ahead of your own and that's really what it's all about. And you aren't helpless, you are there for them emotionally and they know they can trust and confide in you. They are very lucky to have you in their lives

derbysquirrel · March 2018

How long have you and SO been together/married? We've been friends since 2005, and together since 2009

How many step/bonus kids (gender/ages) do you have? female 20, and male 18

How many bio kids from previous relationship do you have? 0

Any bio kids with SO? No, and this one isn't biologically DH's due to using a sperm donor.

How often do you have each kid (visitation schedules)? We had them nearly 100% of the time until adulthood. DSS is currently a high school senior, and chose to stay in Oregon when we moved to CO because transferring would screw up his credits/scholarships/in-state tuition. I miss him a lot, and it's probably a major contributor to why we chose to have a kid now.

How did your other children take the news of a new baby? DSD is happy for us. She wanted to see our registry to buy some things for the baby. She's an adult on her own, though, and I'm not sure that she sees the new baby as a real sibling, which I think is fair. Hopefully they will develop some kind of relationship, but I'm not going to try and awkwardly force her to be all that interested in an infant. DSS is thrilled! He's always wanted a younger sibling, and evidently the huge age difference isn't a problem at all for him. He and I are actually slightly closer in age than he is with his sibling, so I imagine they'll have an uncle/nephew kind of relationship.

Special Snowflake (seriously though, any other info that helps understand your situation better)? DSD lives only about an hour away, so she'll have more opportunity to bond with the baby, but she's also more independent with her own life. DSS lives 1400 miles away, but we intend to move back to Oregon in a couple of years. Who knows where DSS will be at that point, though. I know he wants a close relationship with his sibling, but it may be difficult for the first couple of years.

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

I'm loving this thread!

@riverbed - I love the week on / week off schedule you described and I'm thinking of floating it by DH to see what he thinks. We live so close to DSS's mom that running him over there if he forgets something is no big deal, but I think we might have more consistency with his behavior is he's not switching houses every day - two days. It sounds like you're dealing with an incredibly difficult situation with your step daughter, I'm sorry.

@derbysquirrel - That's so cool that your kids were excited about having a new little sibling! I completely understand about not trying to force a relationship between them and new baby. When we found out we were expecting everyone was so excited because DSS will be the 'perfect babysitting age.' Um, I have no interest in treating my kiddo like he's a built-in babysitter, especially when he's shown like 0 interest in babysitting. He likes to play with DS for short times now but I think their relationship will come later. I'm like you, I don't want to force it.

So, I mentioned above that DSS has been displaying some attention-seeking behavior lately and it does coincide with when we announced that we were expecting this little one. Last night things kind of blew up. DSS's grades have plummeted, his time management is terrible and he's lying to us about homework being completed.

I'm trying to back off a bit and let DH and his mom handle it but I think we're just on completely different pages. DH goes from being totally chill about the whole thing to really cracking down and DSS's mom wants to talk it out but I feel like DSS has been only half-listening to the talks and then the behavior worsens.

We've all sat down together and talked about what to do, both with my step son and just between the adults. We've punished, we've lectured, we've taken away his phone and other privileges, but it's not making any difference.

Please tell me this is just the normal 13 year old boundary pushing phase. It's stressing me out to no end because the acting out is just so unlike him. And I feel like I need to be the supportive role, but he also needs to get his butt into gear! Is there some method that we're missing completely? Other than micro managing his homework, I really don't know what to do.

lalala2004 · March 2018

@mrsbubbles-2 as a teacher of kids that age, I can tell you that’s pretty typical. They are past the stage of caring about pleasing their teachers and other adults, but are mostly too young to be thinking about their futures. I know a lot of people are adverse to “bribing” kids to get good grades, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with rewarding improved behavior. If they are intrinsically motivated, I don’t think it hurts to provide extrinsic motivation, I the hopes that the intrinsic will come later on! I just feel like it tends to be more effective than punishment. Especially if some level of it is them finding the work challenging or difficult. Then they just feel beat down (that’s just my personal experience from being punished for Cs I’m Chemistry when I actually had a really hard time with it!)

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

@lalala2004 - Thank you!!! You've just given me so much more to think about! So he does great in the classes that he's motivated in and usually gets As and Bs in them, but the algebra and literature lately have been a real struggle. I think that we're so used to seeing A's in the other classes we aren't really focusing and rewarding the good. And since this situation has spiraled so much I think he's starting to feel really beat down and that he'll never dig out of the hole. I think we'll have a talk with his mom this weekend and come up with a plan. Thank you again!!!

riverbed · March 2018

@mrsbubbles-2
We are going through similar regarding assignments with our 13 yo. Its frustrating and DH is similar to yours, more that we all sail along assuming its all being done and going well until its not or DH checks his grades online, then the sh*t can tend to hit the fan. I have tried to step up and help remind DH to check his grades more often and I've been more involved with being sure he has finished his homework before he starts doing something else (which has always been their rule). It seems to be getting better now that his sports are starting again, he has less free time and he does better with a busy schedule honestly.
I really don't know how its handled with his mom and the communication there is much less now because he has his cell and she was remarried recently which has changed a lot... but she is another story/frustration for another day.

I do see that he is still doing well on tests, I think he is just being a typical teenager trying to see how little he can do and still get by. My thought is let him fall on his butt a bit now, its easier to come back from than learning that lesson in high school.

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

@riverbed - Thank you! I thought about letting him fall on his butt - DH and I talked about it quite a bit. I was thinking that we needed to do it more in a time management way - like, he has homework to do but bedtime is 930. So whatever he doesn't have done will either need to get done in the morning (wake up extra early) or will be an incomplete assignment. DH and DSS's mom were more like it's more important to let him stay up late to finish his homework than it is to teach him this big lesson tonight. So I think he was up until like 1230 or 1 this morning doing homework and he doesn't do well with that little sleep so now I feel like instead of letting him fall on his butt and learn a good lesson we're setting him up for failure by letting him stay up that late. Ugh! It's so hard when you know they're better than what they're currently doing!

69mil · March 2018

How long have you and SO been together/married? Married for just over 3 years.

How many step/bonus kids (gender/ages) do you have? 2 girls, ages 8 and 5.

How many bio kids from previous relationship do you have? 1 boy, almost 9.

Any bio kids with SO? This will be our first. We call it our “unity” baby. Lol

How often do you have each kid (visitation schedules)? We have girls about 40% of time but we live super close to their mom and all three kids go to school together and do sports together so we see each other A LOT.

How did your other children take the news of a new baby? They had been asking for a baby sibling for a while so they were ecstatic! Very happy.

Special Snowflake (seriously though, any other info that helps understand your situation better)? My DS‘s father (my ex husband) just announced that him and his gf are expecting a baby a month after we are. DS is not taking the news well at all. He has never met his dads GF (they’ve been dating 6 months), she is very young (age 20, 16 years younger than his dad) and DS just can’t wrap his head around the news. He says he wanted his dad to stay single and no longer wants to visit his dad (he lives a 5 hour flight away). I suggested to his dad that he come visit with his gf to introduce him to her so that he’s not arriving there’s in the summer to spend weeks with a “stranger.” DH both get along great with our previous spouses so we work together to help our kids through stuff but this is a tough one. So that’s what we are dealing with! Lol DS suddenly getting two new siblings that will live in two different states/countries within a month of each other.

mrsbubbles-2 · March 2018

@69mil - wow, that's got to be complicated for DS to process. I think your idea of having DH and his gf visit is a great one! I hope that with some time your DS will work through it and talk it out.

riverbed · March 2018

The college thing is fast approaching. I have loved watching SD turn into this studious driven student. We have helped her in every way she has asked (&I then some) and I was so looking forward to college tours with her. I have also been very wary about house hunting for a house with room to accommodate her the way we have when she will be gone in a year. She won't come back to us, she will stay with her mom on breaks because she has zero rules or responsibilities. We need a larger house as it is, but with the baby coming we are now looking for a 5 bedroom, which is really limiting our search. it would be much easier to find a 4 bedroom in our price range.

SD just told us she wants her mom to take her to a tour of a college nearby this weekend. We have had this planned for 2 weeks. She said we can take her to the out of state one since her mom can't pay for it. (Her mom pays for nothing. SD actually helps her out on the weekends she is with her). Who does she think is paying for car soon and her college? Not her mom, that is for sure. She won't qualify for financial aid so its on us to help research grants and scholarships. We really should be there in order to learn more of what they offer and how it will all work. Her mom is banking on us continuing to pick up the tab. I am so tired of being used. My heart hurts.

The college tour is just a small example in a very loooooong line of crap that we have been hurt by and deal with constantly from her mom and her. Its so tough to explain. I am sure this reads very poorly to some, but know that we have done everything we possbily can to undo the brainwashing.
This is a post and run, but I'll check back in later.

hoff079 · March 2018

@riverbed I completely understand how you feel. It's frustrating, all the hard work you've done, the time, effort and energy, and you feel like you lose out to someone who hasn't been there in the way they should. I hope some day your SD sees what's going on. Time will tell, but like anything, the waiting in the hardest.

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