So with my last two pregnancies I’ve never had to tell someone who might be sensitive to the information. However, this time around i have a good friend who has been trying to get pregnant for years (basically since shortly after I found out I was pregnant with my 2.5 year old son). This is my third pregnancy and it happened pretty easily for us with all three so while I completely sympathize with her struggles it’s not something I have first hand experience with. I want to be respectful and sensitive but I’m just at a loss about the best way to share the news with her. I know there are some wonderful women on this board who have likely been in this situation or possibly waiting on their baby and have had to hear this news from a friend or sister and I would love your advice. Thank you.
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Re: Sharing pregnancy with someone struggling to get pregnant
I've had friends and family who announced at holidays and parties where you are surrounded by people and in my experience I have always had a happy/sad reaction all at once. Surrounded by a large group gives you no time to process your reaction and is in my experience stressful.
One of of my best friends knew about our struggles (5 years +) at the time and ended up emailing me before she made a general announcement. I really appreciated that.
I would also suggest that you not wait to tell her last. That sucks because it feels like you've been ostracized even further, and the person you're trying to protect may be blindsided by others who you've already told.
I think whether you tell her in person or over the phone is irrelevant, but that's just my personal feeling.
I would also suggest keeping a little perspective. She may not jump up and down and shout her congratulations for you. Don't get me wrong, she'll likely be happy for you, but it's tough to process that happiness for someone else while simultaneously feeling your own pain. Don't take it personally, it's not about you, it's about her sense of loss and frustration. It sounds like you really care about her and are sensitive to her situation, otherwise you wouldn't be asking, so I have no doubt you already guessed at some of that and that's why you want to be sensitive, and I think you're nailing that already.
I would shoot her a text with something along the lines of 'Hey _____, I love you so much as a friend, and I wanted to let you know something that is a bit sensitive for you so I wanted to let you know in private so you have some time to process- I'm pregnant. We are so excited, but I know this may be a bit hard for you because of everything you have/are going through, so please do not feel the need to respond immediately, or at all if that is easier for you. I just wanted you to know before we made a bigger announcement'
Also I just want to say that you’re a really good friend to consider her feelings and I wish more people were as considerate as you are.
I had a friend announce tactfully (she knew we were struggling) but then she ghosted for the next few months. I still don’t know if that was because of her own thing or to avoid dealing with an awkward situation with me, but it certainly put a damper on our friendship.
dx: unexplained
TTC since May 2016
MC November 2016
Summer 2017, started IUI
IUI #1 - natural, BFN
IUI #2 - clomid + trigger, BFN
IUI #3 - femara + trigger, BFN
IUI #4-6 - femara + follistim, BFN
IVF #1 January 2018: 11 retrieved, 7 fertilized, 1 transferred day 5, 1 frozen embryo
5dt Jan. 18, BFP 9dpt, EDD 10/6/18
i wrote her a letter. It was very personal and I explained to her that she can take all the time she needs to process it. And also I told her what I wanted her role in my kids life to be (so much more than auntie) and then after she read it.... we just sat and talked. I didn’t want her to process it alone and so the time together after I think is what helped us both the most.
I agree with everyone above... don’t reveal in a big group. Do it privately, and just sit w that person and help her process all of the emotions... even if they arent the ones you’re hoping for.
i've never experienced a loss, but i know many women do and it seemed uncouth to announce so early. one interpretation is that she wanted lots of attention... but another, through the eyes of someone with infertility, was that she was so confident in the viability of her pregnancy to announce so early -- that's a sucker punch to a woman with infertility.
women struggling with infertility can absolutely be happy for your pregnancy, but realistically, they're dealing with another reminder that it's still not their time. personally, hearing of new announcements always made me initially sad and even jealous--but it was always about my stuff, not the friend. i was glad to have time to process on my own or with my DH before having to face my friends/acquaintances. I felt comfortable participating in their showers, but not every IF woman will.
more than anything, dealing with IF is very isolating... most women feel too ashamed to talk about it with others, but i would have been thankful if more of my friends had asked how I was doing emotionally and just listened -- not tried to solve my infertility or told me my time would come. most people are trying to respect boundaries by not asking about it, but i think it perpetuates the stigma that you have to treat women with IF with kid gloves.
dx: PCOS, low progesterone; 2 MMC
Sept FET 2018 Spreadsheet
Jan 2 2018 - 1st IVF cycle - 9 retrieved, 7 mature/fertilized, 1 5d transfer + 5 untested snowbabies
Jan 19 2018 - Fresh Transfer #1 one 5dt; BFP 1/25/2018; EDD 10/7/2018; MMC at 8w3d; D&C 3/6/2018
May 16 2018 - FET #1 one 5dt; BFP with 4 betas (6.5, 24.3, 165.5, 2250) - EDD 2/1/2019; MMC at 6w; D&C 6/20/18
Sept 17 2018 - FET #2 one 5dt; BFP 38.9 7dpt, 167 9dpt - EDD 6/5/2019
(3 untested embryos remain)
dx: unexplained
TTC since May 2016
MC November 2016
Summer 2017, started IUI
IUI #1 - natural, BFN
IUI #2 - clomid + trigger, BFN
IUI #3 - femara + trigger, BFN
IUI #4-6 - femara + follistim, BFN
IVF #1 January 2018: 11 retrieved, 7 fertilized, 1 transferred day 5, 1 frozen embryo
5dt Jan. 18, BFP 9dpt, EDD 10/6/18
dx: PCOS, low progesterone; 2 MMC
Sept FET 2018 Spreadsheet
Jan 2 2018 - 1st IVF cycle - 9 retrieved, 7 mature/fertilized, 1 5d transfer + 5 untested snowbabies
Jan 19 2018 - Fresh Transfer #1 one 5dt; BFP 1/25/2018; EDD 10/7/2018; MMC at 8w3d; D&C 3/6/2018
May 16 2018 - FET #1 one 5dt; BFP with 4 betas (6.5, 24.3, 165.5, 2250) - EDD 2/1/2019; MMC at 6w; D&C 6/20/18
Sept 17 2018 - FET #2 one 5dt; BFP 38.9 7dpt, 167 9dpt - EDD 6/5/2019
(3 untested embryos remain)
The approach depends on the girl. I've seen two types : one who is joyful for others and others who will avoid you after you do tell them you are pregnant. In the end, both girls will feel somewhat sad deep inside. I'm the type who is very joyful so people are pretty open with me but deep inside I get sad and jealous. If you've seen that she gets emotional when others are pregnant, then be gentle about the approach. One on one is good. If she's the joyful type then texts are fine. Definitely make sure that the pregnancy is solid and tell her before you announce it to everyone. I still know people who have gotten very upset when they were told so try not to be hurt on your end. Give her time to process it.
One big advice : try not to tell her when she gets her period or is on her period. That is the worst time! You're emotional because of the hormones and the period is a reminder that you failed that month.
Hope things go well!
MC 10/23/2015 Iris Giana due 10/23/17 Born and Passed 5/23/2017
Double Rainbow due 10/23/2018
Also, just a heads up that it might cause some distance between you two. I isolated myself from anyone who was pregnant. Some of those relationships never recovered, although that was in part because I’m so socially awkward and didn’t know how to fix things once DS was born. Hopefully that won’t be the case if there is some distance for a time.
Also, give them grace if they take a little time to process and make sure they know that you understand they may need some time. I think it's super sweet of you to ask advice like this. So many people just blow of infertiles, which makes it hurt even more. She's lucky to have a friend like you!