Can I take a moment to complain about baby showers....

mcgeeva · February 2018

Okay I know this is the Infertility board but I need to vent! I have a sprinkle and a baby shower im co-hosting in April. Which I want April to be as stress free as possible for my FET. With that said I am trying to get things nailed done to take care of before hand. Long story short im stressed as F@ck. One the sprinkle turned into a shower (Never had one so no clue but I'm pretty sure it's not a shower) where my friend is having two and being a diva. The second is a shower for a friend having twins who I think lost her mind. I found out two weeks ago it was around 40-50 people. To me that's a ton so I was nervous then I was told she wanted it out at a restaurant which was charging 600 for 40 people. Yesterday the guest list turned to 65-70 I almost threw up. She knows I'm doing IVF and money isn't growing on trees so now I feel I am in a situation there is no cap on money which I don't have unlimited funds to spend?!! What is an acceptable amount to offer to pay? I made it clear this won't be 50/50. I never agreed to 70 people. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated

tosh24 · February 2018

First of all, you are way nicer than I am. I have avoided all baby showers like the plague since being in treatments, nevermind hosting one.

Second of all, sorry about your one friend being a diva. Unfotunately, it happens and I hope you don't have to deal with too many more of her shenanigans.

Thirdly, is your other friend out of her fucking mind? Listen, I come from a big extended family so I get the guest list ballooning, but never in a million years would I expect someone else to PAY for all my guests to eat at a restaurant. I would love for a friend to help organize the games/prizes, decor, finger foods, etc., but if my plan was to feed people at a restaurant, covering the cost would be 100% on me. That is completely selfish and unfair, especially since she knows you are undergoing IVF. I would have a chat with her and let her know that due to your own financial obligations at this time, you are happy to plan the shower and pay X amount of dollars (whatever your budget is) for games, prizes, decor, etc., but that you do not have the money to contribute anything to the cost of the meal.

mcgeeva · February 2018

tosh24 thank you I was wondering if it was just me. The only showers I have ever gone to were at friends homes.I hosted one for a best friend two years ago and I hosted so I made all the food, got drinks etc. It adds up but it was fine and I told her I couldn't do a person over 40 because I was covering the cost. The friend with twins has known all my struggles over the years and for one just complained to me how she can never afford her bills not to mention getting a new ac unit before the kids. We commiserate all the time about bills right. So this is why im so thrown off guard. Her best friend tells me yesterday when I snapped that I can't afford that many people that it's fine it will be 50/50 I said no dice my husband will not be okay with that either. I was thinking I was helping make decorations etc, which I'm already making a framed guest book/picture that people will sign. But never expected to pay for 1k of food etc even if split because it doesn't include cake. Would if be bad if I just say I am happy to contribute x amount of dollars to the shower and leave it at that?

Bababatty · February 2018

You are definitely nicer than me, too! I’ve helped with 2 baby showers since we started trying but I put my foot down this year on even attending a 3rd. I don’t have much experience with them, but for the ones I helped with, we had a team of us so the planning and costs were spread about. Also, we hosted it at our church, which was much cheaper than a restaurant. But I recognize that’s not an option for a lot of people—although surely there’s a cheaper venue your friend can choose!

I agree with everything @tosh24 has said. I’d also ask other mutual friends to help you. Likely there are at least a few who would be delighted to help plan and execute a party, and you can each take responsibility for different parts. Your friend or her family should be paying for that restaurant, though.

Also, what in the world is a “sprinkle”?

mcgeeva · February 2018

Bababatty problem is I don't know these 70 some people to enlist help and the mother of the baby mama, the best friend and sister in law are calling the shots.

Aye..spinkle - for a 2nd kid. Mind you...it's her second daughter 2 years later and she is a having a shower the day before. Not exactly sure what she would need besides diapers. Again I didn't grow up with this crap just like gender reveals.

dragonette505 · February 2018

what tosh24 said 100%... no way in hell id pay all that. Its legit like paying for someones reception or something. games and stuff is reasonable (even though i hate them with a passion) and i have totally done a few showers for friends and my only expense was snacks and beverages and whatever gift i got them. If a person wants to have a restaurant shower they need to be paying for that themselves. Unless you're their mom or dad you shouldnt have to invest that much

tosh24 · February 2018

There is totally nothing wrong with having a budget and it is extremely presumptuous of your friend to expect that you would cover the cost of the restaurant, even at 50/50. If this was her plan from the beginning, or even if it wasn't the initial plan but it ended up changing, she should have come to you to discuss the cost instead of assuming that you could afford it. In the words of Michelle Tanner "How Rude"! I definitely think you need to bring it up with her and come up with a plan - whether that's telling her your budget is X amount and her figuring out how to pay for the rest (maybe her parents or in-laws could chip in) or completely changing the plan and moving it somewhere less expensive. Absolutely do not over-extend yourself!

roisis · February 2018

I'm flabbergasted by this!! Your friend actually wants to invite ~70 people to a restaurant and expects you to pay for some (let alone all!) of it?? In what world is that fair!! I agree with everyone else that has responded - you shouldn't even feel the need to go to these things at the moment - let alone be subjected to the stress and the cost of hosting one. Seriously - you should feel absolutely no obligation to financially be responsible for her excessiveness on this front - it is truly bizarrely selfish of her to even suggest such a thing to you. If your friends are aware of your own situation, then they are being very self-centered in not considering your feelings at this time. People get wrapped up in their own thing, maybe sit some of your friends down and explain that this is really tough for you, in every way, right now xx
I've never even beed to a baby-shower - they're just not a thing over here in Ireland, and right now I am extremely glad of that!!
Is a 'sprinkle' a party where someone celebrates planning to have a baby?! I saw it in a sit-com once - I didn't believe they were a real thing. I'd tell someone to FRO if they invited me to that - let alone host it.

mcgeeva · February 2018

dragonette505 yes I feel exactly the same. I guess I was upset it wasn't what I expected and im also not the best friend so if the best friend wants to do all this with the mom so be it. But I can't afford it. Yeah there was no discussion it was this is what we are doing and this is what she wants. I'm trying to keep the mom to be out of it and now just feel like avoiding her on gchat. I'm sure the best friend probably complained about what I said anyways yesterday. Oh they won't change anything. Just like the request for a diaper raffle which I already made it clear I won't participate. Yeah I sound like stick in the mud - im 100% I just thought a shower was a gift so now that everything is dictated im over it.

dragonette505 · February 2018

roisis I think a sprinkle is when you already have a kid and instead of going all out with the second, you do a smaller more limited shower (since the idea is you should still have a bunch of stuff left over from the other kid?)
Also... with IVF as expensive as it is.... how can someone expect people going through IVF to pay for stuff like this??? people really are self centered

mcgeeva · February 2018

roisis trust me people do whatever for me me me time these days. Maybe im old school but I also find it redic that the people that haven't had to pay to have kids have the craziest expectations for what they need a deserve. I had one friend that hated every minute of her pregnancy that I had to stop spending time with her for a while for my own sanity. I told her I guess it was the deep want and the struggle that make you want it and appreciate it that much more. Totally off subject- but speaking of that situation - that was the friend who we are doing the sprinkle she requested. I told myself after this I will only attend no more assisting on crap.

Bababatty · February 2018

@mcgeeva I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It sounds like the mother and BF should be doing all of this, and if they really want an expensive restaurant they should pony up and really take greater charge of the planning. Not much help, I know, but your rant is well-placed!

Also now that you’ve explained a “sprinkle,” I say that is BS. When did it become a thing where you need a shower for every baby?

mcgeeva · February 2018

Bababatty bc people are greedy as f*ck. Oh well rant done ill put a price on this crap and call it a day and make my crap next month so april I can just show up day of!

cseley321 · February 2018

Nope. Nope. NOPE. You are completely being taken advantage of. The shower is a gift to the mom to be. YOU dictate how many you can host and how much you can spend, and much less whether it's at a restaurant. If she wants more, she either needs to pony up the additional expenses, or hope she can have someone else offer and then split the showers, or find you some co hosts since you don't know any of her other circles. The mom to be should not dictate all of this.

I would let her know asap that you simply cannot afford more than xx.xx amount to spend on her shower. Tell her that is your budget and you can't go a dime over it. If she wants more than you can offer, she will need to offer or find you some financial assistance. Make sure she knows it's nothing personal and you want her to have a great shower, but you simply cannot afford to go over your budget.

mcgeeva · February 2018

cseley321 I agree with all this. But I feel I can only tell the best friend since I don't want to involve the mom to be in the drama - yet clearly her mother and best friend told her any amount was fine. Two I don't know her mom or SIL to straight up tell them look this is more then I can afford although I'm sure they can figure it out based on my comments.

mcgeeva · February 2018

Okay I just got the balls and emailed the best friends saying this is the max I can donate to the shower since I need to finish buying my gifts and the stuff for the framed guest book. Asked her if she wanted me to email the group so that way they KNOW they are covering all expenses over my amount.

Bababatty · February 2018

@mcgeeva Good for you! Hopefully she’s understanding about it all, but if not that’s on her and not you. I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for you.

kristimh80 · February 2018

I agree 100% with what everyone else has said! Bump that! I can't even believe your friend(s) would be ok with you paying for them and their 100s of friends! I'd feel bad and that's something usually the mom, sister, etc take care of. It's one thing for you to help out, but it's not your obligation....even if you were helping with the ideas. During fertility treatments, I refuse to go to any baby stuff, baby / kid bday parties. Not because of $$, but for my own sanity. It's hard enough without having it shoved in your face. We were invited to my niece and nephews join bday party this week...luckily it's in another state.

Proud of you for speaking up...now they can make plans to take care of the rest!

mcgeeva · February 2018

kristimh80 trust me I wish I could skip them. I told my husband the week before these events start will be in between retrieval and no meds so I will want to get out of dodge to clear my head and get away.

ginny_203 · February 2018

@mcgeeva The entire situation is honestly unbelievable. I'm just so glad you spoke up and let them know your max!! Good for you.

kristimh80 · February 2018

@mcgeeva Girl you deserve a gold metal for going thru this stuff!! It's taking all I have to buy bday gifts for niece and nephew that are having a joint bday party. My husband is 1 of 6 kids and everyone but us has 2-3 kids. I wish I could ask for a gift for my embryos

mcgeeva · February 2018

kristimh80 I know I get it

roisis · February 2018

@kristimh80 Love it! All my embies deserve gifts

@mcgeeva Good for you for speaking up! Don't forget, when these things actually come around, it is always entirely possible that you could have a bad 'stomach flu' or a throat/ear infection (whereby you shouldn't be around children - for their own protection!!). I'm just saying - these things happen

fertilizemeplease · February 2018

I’m late to this party (and fairly new to this board) but I have to chime in and ask if you’ve heard back after your email.

This is is a big fat HECK no.

I was in on at least ten weddings before I got married, spent thousands of dollars throwing showers etc and the ones who expected the most....did zero for me once I finally got hitched. I had ONE wedding shower, zero bridal showers.

i say that because your friend is selfish and you should have zero qualms about putting your foot down.

look out for YOU.

And did did I read correctly that there are only two people hosting the shower at the restaurant?

And the first friend is end is having a sprinkle AND another shower?

honestly, my older sisters had it so easy. All they did was go out and buy a pretty bouquet of flowers for the centerpiece, send cute invites and had classy finger foods.

Sorry to be crass but I started my period today

mcgeeva · February 2018

fertilizemeplease Oh I did. She basically said rudely..we already discussed this. I told her well this is what I can afford and she said well we will see what the final number comes in. Either way I don't give a s@it anymore and I will contribute what I said. DONE! Exactly I give and give to my friends. But where were people when I was on bed rest for 5 weeks? Yep no where. I love my friends I just hate that people always have these ridiculous expectations they don't do themselves. And these same friends would complain about other friends requesting such things. Oh it's myself, her mother and the best friend. But still..Oh god yes and the other friend is having two sprinkles..I just can't go there either. Lol...

nurserin07 · March 2018

Girl I don't even know where to start with this! People are so rude and insensitive. They'd be getting no shower no sprinkle no nothing from me!

mcgeeva · March 2018

@nurserin07 oh don’t worry I have mentally checked out on that crap! Until my feet is done they take a back seat

nurserin07 · March 2018

@mcgeeva good for you! Take care of yourself and good luck!

Can I take a moment to complain about baby showers....

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