Miscarriage experience - an honest blog

Hi all,

If you're on this forum then please accept my deepest sympathy. I have just gone through a miscarriage and it is an experience that I wish no woman has to go through. It's cruel. It's unfair. And it's hard.

I thought I'd share my experience, and please feel free to share yours below. If it's one thing I have found strength in, it's the previous words of so many wonderful, strong, brave women such as yourself sharing experiences, emotions and raw feelings.

My story starts similar to most, I went for my 9 week scan only to find I was dating 5 weeks and 6 days. There was a heartbeat of 96bpm. 9 days later I presented to emergency with spotting. After a cruel 3 hours wait, they took my bloods and I was sent home. The next morning I had an ultrasound at the hospital. My little bean dated 6 weeks and 3 days and had a heartbeat of 165. My obstetrician said this was positive news, but my HCG had gone down. In my heart I knew it was over - I didn't feel pregnant anymore. My breasts had gone back to their normal size, I was urinating less and my nausea had cleared. The obstetrician was really kind the following day and tried to comfort me with performing an ultrasound so I could see the heartbeat for myself... But she couldn't find one. I was sent for an internal ultrasound at a radiologist that showed fetal demise. An irregularly- shaped gestational sac, no heartbeat, and my little bean dated just 6 weeks and 1 day. My bleeding had now become as heavy as my menstrual flow. I called my obstetrician, relayed the results of the ultrasound and asked what to do and what to expect. She said that it sounded like my body was taking care of things naturally and that I could expect similar symptoms to a heavy period. She told me to head home, take some paracetamol and nurofen, and come back to the hospital if I felt at any stage like I couldn't handle things.

How very wrong she was! My miscarriage was nothing like a heavy period. That afternoon my cramping became so severe. I scoured every forum I could to read different experiences of miscarriages so that I was prepared. So many women described pain that felt like someone was ripping them open from the inside, and this couldn't be more accurate in my case. I've had a broken bone. I snapped my right arm completely in half. And that pain was nothing compared to the pain inside my pelvis. My uterus was cramping every 5-10 minutes with pain so intense that it felt like I was on fire. This went on for two days while I was passing some big blood clots. While I was still cramping when I went to sleep, I was fortunate that the pain subsided during the night. Only to start up again at 9am. On day 3 of these pains I saw my obstetrician. She checked me over and said she's pretty confident that I was nearing the end of my miscarriage. She prescribed some panadeine forte for my pain and sent me home. That day the pain was excruciating. The pain came in cruel waves. One moment I was fine, the next I was doubled over, paralysed and unable to move. The next moment, I was on the toilet passing clots and wondering how much blood is too much. Luckily that night, I managed some sleep.

Note: The panadeine forte did F**k-all for the pain.

Day 4 of the intense pain (six days since I presented to the hospital with spotting) was the worst. Right on queue the pain started at 9am. I was outside in the sun and had to crawl inside where I curled up on my bedroom floor, the pain too intense to even make it onto my bed. I stayed in that position riding out the cramp. I timed it lasted roughly 20 minutes. While it never let up, it did fade and I had an urge to be surrounded by hot water. As a bath was out of the option (my obstetrician recommended no bathing or swimming due to infection), I crawled into the shower. The pain seared back and I had the urge to push. After enough time had passed to make my skin go wrinkly, I passed the gestational sac, placenta, and a whole lot of blood on the shower floor. It was instant relief. I was still getting light cramps as I sat underneath the running water, bawling my eyes out. I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically, mentally and spiritually. Exhausted.

My husband and I decided to have a burial for our little bean in our backyard. We made a beautiful spot in our garden, with our favourite, colourful plants and flowers. While we didn't say many words, we didn't have to. It was like we had connected on a whole new level. Ladies, try not to forget the experience of your partner. While you are dealing with the physical pain (and yes, how completely unfair it is that us girls have to deal with it all), remember they are still grieving. Their experience is a different one. They do not get to feel the pain we feel and go through the physical loss. But they have to watch their loved one go through it, and they don't know what to do or how to react with this. If I were in my husband's shoes, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd feel helpless because in reality there's not an awful lot they can do. I'm not saying that our experience was perfect, I ordered my husband to stop lying on the bed beside me because how dare he get to lay down and look all peaceful while I was in so much pain. Just remember to tell your partner what they can do. When to hold your hand. When to get some food or water. When you need to be alone. 

My husband and I had revealed to my family that we were pregnant when we found out. We kept it to just immediate family, and being a vet nurse, I had to tell my workmates as we work around x-rays and anaesthetic gases. The support of my family was amazing. The messages checking in, the ears to listen, and their words of support made my journey so much easier. We cried together. I know I am so fortunate to be so close with my immediate family and I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it's true what they say when you find out your pregnant - only share the news with those you'd share your news of a loss with. I am a believer that miscarriages should not be kept a secret. We shouldn't suffer in silence and we shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed for having a miscarriage. It is nature's cruel way of letting us know that something wasn't quite right. I even offered for my family to tell their closest friends if they needed an ear to listen - remember, they are grieving too. 

Also remember that you are allowed to grieve. You had a life growing inside you. A little bean that you fed and supported. You imagined holding your baby in your arms. You imagined their first Christmas. You planned how their nursery would look. You wondered if they'd get your eyes, or your partner's nose, or your mum's hair. And if you're anything like me (Queen of being organised), you probably had some beautiful names picked.

Please remember that things will remind you of just how cruel the world is. And yes, you're allowed to have those nasty thoughts. You're grieving. You're angry. You're hurting. You're allowed to be jealous of perfect pregnancies, cute babies and happy families. You have just suffered a great loss, but it's not your fault. It is just nature being unfair.

And how unfair it is to see that mum walking down the street with a baby in one hand and a cigarette in the other. How unfair it is to see the woman 4 months pregnant and cracking open a beer on Boxing Day. How unfair it is that one of your old friends drank vodka-redbulls at a music festival not knowing she was 8 weeks pregnant to then go on and now have a healthy 5 year old daughter. And not to mention that family with 6 children, really.. they have 6 kids!? 

Let's not forget the guilt. The what-ifs. The blaming. The one cup of coffee a day that the doctor said was ok... Was that ok? Or how about that ham sandwich I ate before I knew you should avoid deli meats. Or what if I didn't continue to work so hard, would that have made a difference? 

All of these emotions are normal.

They are a part of this cruel experience.

You have to remember that it's not your fault.

If you had read this far, then I thank you for sharing my experience. I'm wishing you strength, love and light, and I am praying that one day you will hold a baby in your arms. Feel free to share yours below. It helps to talk.