Trying hard to be excited, but...

sarcasticowl · January 2018

Coming from where we’ve come from - the world of infertility and all its ups and downs - do you/did you find it hard to be excited or happy about being pregnant early on? My DH and I are both incredibly guarded about this pregnancy because we are so used to disappointment and sadness, and although we have been fortunate never to have experienced a loss, we are nonetheless cautious about expressing any happiness or excitement about this. I feel like I might really regret not enjoying this time (before bad symptoms have set in, before we know anything about the health of the baby) later on, but I can’t bring myself to think of names or start planning a nursery because I’m terrified. Anyone else in the same boat?

persnickity · January 2018

DH was the one to be excited early on. **TW** I got pregnant quickly the first time, had a mmc, then it took over a year and 2 IUIs to get our rainbow baby. **End TW** It made it harder for me to get excited. I was just so afraid of another loss. I also didn't want to tell anyone. Even once I made it through the first tri, I had a hard time telling people I was pregnant. It actually wasn't until we found out the sex at our as ultrasound that I started to get excited.

I don't regret not being excited early on. It's what I needed to be feeling at that time. And that's okay. Feel what you feel. Happy, excited, scared, however you feel is normal for you.

[Deleted User] · January 2018

I feel for you, OP. ❤ I do feel hopeful, optimistic, happy... But that doubtful voice is never far from my mind either. I don't have an answer, just know that it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling, for however long you feel it. Be as guarded as you need to be, but I say try to give yourself <i>permission</i> to enjoy it, too. Not that you will automatically actually be ready to enjoy it, just like that, but I do think the first step is telling yourself, and believing, that it would be okay to enjoy it - even for 5 minutes - and let yourself lean into it just a little if you do happen to catch yourself feeling hopeful. (((Hugs)))
*typo

cseley321 · January 2018

TW

I have had issues with MMC in the past, so I had a hard time accepting that things would turn out okay.

With my first successful pregnancy, I basically allowed myself to let my guard down as we passed certain milestones. I was completely on pins and needles until 2nd trimester. At that point I started mentally amping myself up to the idea that this pregnancy may be a go. I did not announce until I was showing (right as we found the sex I believe), and did not start furniture shopping until 30ish weeks. Truth be told, I was a nervous wreck until I was holding my baby.

I told myself that with my next pregnancy I was going to dive in head first and try and enjoy everything to the fullest since I spent my last one full of anxiety. My anxiety is much better this time around even though I have had a lot of complications this go around. I still do not plan on announcing until much later, but that is just personal preference (I am not big on outside attention)

My advice is to handle it however is best for you, but once you pass that 2nd trimester hump and get released to the OB, try and relax!

lablover78 · January 2018

I’m definitely in this same boat. Gearing up for IVF I started a list of positive affirmation phrases on my phone that I planned on writing out and putting on my wall to help me through the process and I still plan on doing that, but in the meantime I just read them or repeat them to myself. I find it does help a little to quiet the anxiety. I do feel like no matter what happens this IS a positive sign that my body can actually get pregnant so also trying to focus on that.

coco305 · January 2018

Girl yes! I was actually going to start a thread about this too. I am feeling super disconnected. I mean I feel like poop all the time, and I know I'm pregnant, but in terms of excitement I'm not quite there yet. Also at the scans, I'm not emotional at all. I was telling DH that I feel like u/s are like going to a movie, I enjoy what I'm seeing, but I'm having a very hard time connecting that it's all happening inside of me. I'm happy I'm pregnant and I do worry about the baby, and I'm taking care of myself, but I'm not connected to the fact that I have my child in my womb right now. So is it an IF thing??

cseley321 · January 2018

@coco305 I felt the same way and tbh I took longer to really bond with my baby than I thought I would. It was like I was in a state of shock for the first few weeks and was just going through the motions, like you do at a new job that you feel completely in over your head.

I think it's semi normal during pregnancy, it's almost like all of the "magic" is gone because we are looking at pregnancy through a very skeptical outlook instead of through rose colored glasses like most do.

Ash_SE · January 2018

Omg yes! I was doing great until today. I have mild PTSD from my losses and and ruptured ectopic ( literally very close to death). It reared up when I realized I likely will have a c section due to twins. My plan for a single wasn't very anti hospital intervention / hippie Med free birth in a birth center.

My H and I ended up in a dust up am dead and I was crying. It lasted about 30 mins and it was terrible. He doesn't get it and how I still have trust issues from how everything was handled . He just sees me over reacting. He has never had any surgery in husband life. I managed to stay relatively calm and got out for an hour to calm down. It doesn't help that I worry if I sneeze wrong I will cause a misscarriage.

I honestly think I need a therapist to prepare and handle this

Polythene Pam · January 2018

Yes. I have a daughter who was conceived no problem- her journey included weekly bump photos, letters to her, multiple showers... this little man, I felt detached until he was here. Only a few bump pics, we didn’t talk names till close to his due date, he had barely any clothes when he came. It’s just what it was, kind of disbelief that we were finally pregnant and a little fear that it was too good to be true.

now he’s here and I don’t want to put him down ever, so opposite problem haha. In case he’s my last I’m hoarding snuggles.

lablover78 · January 2018

I literally woke up this morning and took a HPT I found in the back of my closet this weekend because my anxiety was out of control... 1/11 seems so far away today

[Deleted User] · January 2018

(((Hugs))) @lablover78. I took one today before going in for my beta. DH thinks I'm crazy.
<img src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/2i/dbmqpd4i54cb.gif" alt="">

sarcasticowl · January 2018

I keep peeing on the Internet cheapies because I have them and like watching them turn the same color as the control line. WTF have I become?

lablover78 · January 2018

Lol ok I feel a little better- I have no control over this so I just need to Let it Go!! GL @BusinessWife keep us posted!!!!!

ReesaAnne16 · January 2018

I had a TON of anxiety the whole first trimester. From the point of our positive beta until our first ultrasound at 7 weeks, I was nauseous with anxiety... I had convinced myself (and almost convinced DH) there would be no baby, or no heartbeat.
It gets better, after each ultrasound, after each check-up to hear the heartbeat, after each milestone, it gets better. I don't think I started to really relax until 16wks and even after then I was checking the heart beat with the doppler at work, just to make sure. Now that I can feel the baby moving, It's more exciting. You will get there too

If it helps at all, I was checking this chart probably twice a week to watch our miscarriage risk drop.
https://datayze.com/miscarriage-chart.php

I know we're not in the clear yet, at only 21 weeks, but I'm starting to feel more hopeful

sarcasticowl · January 2018

@ReesaAnne16 I check that site every day. Thanks for your note; I'm glad I'm not alone in my anxiety!

hottietoddy · January 2018

Hi there, so glad this thread was started because I've been posting about this stuff and feel like really wanted to discuss more than just on the weekly check in. It makes me feel better just to know others are going through the same. Not that I wish it on anyone but glad to be here! I went to therapist yesterday and she said my anxiety is increased and really need to make it a priority to relax. I also now have my nutritionist's cell and diabetes educator's cell to text then when I need help.

***TW***
The first anxiety trigger was my ob telling me to get off zoloft. Second was my blood sugar rising yesterday and the fact that I ate the wrong before bed snack. Then yesterday I had a panic attack because I saw some discharge in the toilet. Sorry for TMI, but I literally reached in to see what it was. It was just #1 but Gross! So that is really crazy. I had spotting and discharge the whole early preg last time before MC so that really triggered me. I think the discharge was normal and all is perfectly clear today. But this was a wake-up call to me that I need to take this seriously and make staying calm a priority.

I was getting so worked up on every little thing that I was having mini panic attacks and not sleeping well. This is literally making my fasting glucose rise. So nutritionist told me to do breathe2relax app on my phone to calm down. It is actually recommended by american diabetes association. It really helps me so wanted to share. Also my therapist told me that when I feel stressed to stop and visualize being on the beach at our timeshare for 30 mins (my happy place). Maybe have a small snack too or tea. She had me talk to my husband and make sure he knows I need help to stay calm. That doesn't mean we can't disagree, I just need him to be helpful and try not to get me worked up. With these techniques I already feel better today. I am definitely going to check out that risk of mc website also!

Ps- my mom (who I've told) keeps telling me she 'knows everything will be great' or 'pray for what I want to happen instead of worrying'. Per my therapist I told her I need to deal with this my own way. She can think however she wants to cope, but I need to be realistic and manage my anxiety disorder which is diagnosed. I'm not worrying, I have anxiety.

hottietoddy · January 2018

Checked out the MC percentage rates and love it!

sarcasticowl · January 2018

@hottietoddy TTC advice and anxiety advice are two peas in a pod. Everyone thinks "just relax" is the solution to everything. But like they say, opinions are like a**holes - everyone has one. Only people with true anxiety know how hard it is to control and what it takes and doesn't take to "relax," and only someone who has done everything in their power to get pregnant knows that just relaxing is not a solution. You do you. You seem to have an awesome support system in your doctors, nutritionist and husband!

persnickity · January 2018

@hottietoddy It's easy to let anxiety creep up on you one thought at a time. I found weekly yoga and taking a few minutes each day for breathing exercises or meditation helpful. There are some really good mindful meditation YouTube tracks out there if you're interested. For me, just visualizing wasn't enough, I needed to have a focus.

lablover78 · January 2018

@hottietoddy thanks for the app advice. The last 2 days my anxiety has been off the charts. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night convinced I was no longer pg and my heart was pounding throughout the morning. I know mediation will help but I just resist. Going to make this a priority.

My friend also just now texted and said for every negative thought you have to think of 2 positives so we will see if I can stick to that as well.

@ReesaAnne16 eeep!! I love seeing you so far along in this journey after being on TTTC together - it gives me so much hope and I am so happy for you!

ReesaAnne16 · January 2018

@lablover78 Its so good to see you here too! I can't believe your baby is almost here!!!

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