Intro: First FET ending in CP

[Deleted User] · November 2017

Hi.

I really never thought I would be here.
***edit*** Okay, I have to take that back... because once we started IVF, I figured failed transfers would be part of the deal, I just really never thought so soon. Before IVF, I never thought we'd ever be pregnant at all! ***/edit*** My H and I were diagnosed with azoospermia a little over a year ago, and after much testing and waiting and soul-searching and deliberation and some major life changes, we were able to try IVF with ICSI and his surgically retrieved sperm. (We got four vials, two via MESA and two via TESE).

My first retrieval resulted in three day-5 frozen blasts, and we chose to repeat to increase our chances of ending up with more than one or two children, getting four more with the second cycle, for seven total. We had to wait through a polypectomy cycle prior to transfer, and just had our first FET on 11/17.

With the azoo, I had never seen anything but SWNs.... I wanted so badly to see a squinter! To watch it darken! To see the line progression and go into beta happily knowing that we were KU!!!

So... I saw my squinters! It was Thanksgiving morning; I pulled out the Mom & Dad mugs I bought for us back in January 2016 that had lived in the attic ever since. I pulled out the, "First Thanksgiving," onesie from Etsy, and showed him the tests.... then the lines got darker, and I saw a strong line Saturday night! (8dp5dt) His sister and mom came over with our neices Sunday, plus my brother, for our first big family holiday dinner we've really hosted.... How happy to think, first of many with our kids around the table, too! The Christmas reveals! Our dream come true! Pinch me!

Then Sunday night the line went away, and I sobbed almost uncontrollably. Beta No. 1 was 12.8. Yesterday's beta was 4.4. We stopped meds, and I go back Monday to make sure it's at zero. My heart is so heavy. We can try again once I get AF, but it feels awful. I wanted THIS baby. The EDD would have been the 100th anniversary of my father's birthday. It just feels so cruel that we could be so close, only to have it pulled out from under us like that.

Anyway, I know you guys get it, so thanks for letting me share. ❤

*typos/phrasing

dpjennifer · November 2017

BusinessWife I'm so sorry to see you here. You've had such a rough path already that adding a CP on top of it is just so cruel.

Be kind to yourself during this time. The stupid hormones and everything compound the situation and make it all worse.
Sad Monsters GIF by Lisa Vertudaches

Kath525 · November 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss.

tosh24 · November 2017

@BusinessWife - I've been following you on the November FET thread while I've been hanging out on the November IVF thread over on IF. I was super excited for you when you posted your BFP since I know it has been a long journey for you. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts to fall from the high of seeing those 2 lines and immediately picturing your new family with the addition of your long-awaited child. After my first loss, my DH said "it's OK, we'll try again" and I said the same thing as you "but I wanted THAT baby....my baby!" because she totally was my baby even if I only ever knew her by her heartbeat. Just know that whatever you are feeling is completely valid and to let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. Welcome and good luck with your next FET.

vlagrl29 · November 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand you sadness. I had a 5 week loss almost a year ago. Damn it I wanted that one so bad too.

zamoraspin · November 2017

@BusinessWife "I wanted THIS baby." Yes, 1,000 times. It's amazing how much love we can have the moment we see that positive test, and it is just so cruel when that baby gets taken. I am so heartbroken for you even while I'm hoping you will be ku with your take home baby on your next transfer.

fishee333 · November 2017

I'm so sorry. Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I know exactly how you feel picturing your future family and then having all of that shattered.

honeybeebub · November 2017

I'm sorry to see you here and for your loss. No one ever expects to be here, especially after the long road that you have had. It's unfortunately one of the hardest things to swallow and forever changes you. I completely resonate with wanting THIS baby, I still wholeheartedly miss my first loss and it's nearing a year. These girls are such a great group though and offer a true understanding that most we know IRL can't.

[Deleted User] · November 2017

Thanks so much for the warm welcome. ❤

Today has been harder than yesterday, and I imagine it may get harder still before it gets easier again. Even just now on my way home from work, DHs cousin's wife messaged me to get our address.... and then ask how things are going. Ha! Hahhaa!!!

I haven't responded. :/

vlagrl29 · November 2017

for me @BusinessWife - I was acting everything was fine instantly. I even played a wedding the following weekend after the loss. Kept going but my body was so tired so I had to keep sleeping every day. It was hard - lot of tears. Still I'll cry.

zamoraspin · November 2017

@BusinessWife Oof. Honestly the grief really does come and go on you. It is very hard to answer the question of "how are you doing." It feels so big to try to answer such a general question because even if you're doing ok this minute you are feeling generally terrible and at least low level sad all the time. My best advice is to find some pat answers you feel comfortable with and adjust for level of intimacy. I have started to answer that question by thinking of it in terms of this one day, like, "I'm doing ok today" or "it's been a rough couple days, how are you?". Or sometimes, "I'm going through a rough time, but I'm handling it ok right now." (Handling it ok meaning I am not a puddle on the floor).

ChloandCoco · November 2017

@BusinessWife I'm so sorry you find yourself here especially after such a long journey. Some days are better than others, and just remember that it's ok to not be ok. I really hope you get your rainbow baby with your next FET.

dpjennifer · November 2017

BusinessWife Awww.. sorry. My first loss was 2 weeks before our wedding and I was Sooo busy that other than breaking down for a few days I had to pick myself back up and get stuff done. I pushed and pushed. Then it was the holidays and our honeymoon and busy busy busy. When we got back from our honeymoon, and it was Christmas, and all the 'family' pictures I seriously lost my sh*t so bad!!! So definitely... let it all out now and take some time for you! And don't answer people if you don't want to! I made my husband make all the calls and messages to the few people who DID know because I just didn't feel capable of dealing with it right away!

zamora_spin I hate the "how are you doing?" question! It's like, right now... I feel happy and pretty decent. 3 hours ago when I got my progesterone results I was so emotionally overwhelmed I wanted to go home and cry. Like, it really just changes and soooo many things can trigger your emotions!

vlagrl29 · November 2017

It does get better @businesswife - time does help but you won't forget it. I'm upset today but my downer times are getting farther and farther apart.

amberruka · November 2017

@BusinessWife I’m so, so sorry. I’ve seen you on TTGP and what you’ve been through. It’s so unfair. Because it was so early all I have as a reminder is an iPhone pic with 3 positive tests. But it was a real baby, my baby, and I sympathize with your loss, even knowing you’re PG for such a short time. Big hugs and feel free to vent here anytime you wish.

fishee333 · November 2017

Ugh I hated the "how are you" question right after my loss. I never answered a single one of those, whether it was through text, voicemail, or email. That question just immediately shut me down. I'm doing better with the question now but still don't really like it.

galactickates · December 2017

I agree with everyone on the how are you question? I feel like even saying "I'm ok" is a huge lie. I'm awful, thanks for the reminder. Omg and having to go into the OB office and get your blood drawn while your waiting for your hcg to go down so you can try again while everyone's carrying their babies out or baby bumps showing... awful.

@BusinessWife - I'm sorry you went through that. It just sucks. We're all here for you. ((Hugs))

dpjennifer · December 2017

galactickates Ugh! I hate that. I was at the urgi-care in the middle of my second loss (my husband ended up with a bad poison ivy reaction, which is why we were there) and I saw 2 hugely PG women come in who were using the urgi-care for their prenatal visits... I was livid! Is it possible you can get your blood drawn at the hospital? I do that and it's better than seeing all those PG women at the OB!!!!

vlagrl29 · December 2017

I had all my HCG draws at Quest

[Deleted User] · December 2017

Oh, Wow! Yeah, maybe I'm early on enough, I just go to the RE for mine... :/ I started spotting last night, so not sure if tonight or tomorrow will turn into CD1. They told me to come back Monday for BW to check either way... but if I have AF it will pretty much have to be at zero then, right?

And then CD3, which at this rate will either be Sunday or Monday anyway...

*** Chart in spoiler ***
<div class=" Spoiler"><img src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/aw/cwj5pvvtvw44.jpg" alt=""></div>

dpjennifer · December 2017

@BusinessWife With the result being so low on your last draw I'd think it'd be 0 pretty quick, especially if you've started full on bleeding. Actually, I think the stat is that 5 or below is technically 'not PG.' Something about non-PG women can have a result up to 5 or something like that? But sometimes doctors want to see us go down to 0 (not 5) because of our situations.

tosh24 · December 2017

@BusinessWife With my first loss my hcg was at 100,000 when I had my D&C. I O'd 2 weeks after the D&C and got AF back 2 weeks after that. My hcg was nowhere near 0 yet. It didn't get to 0 until about 8 weeks after the D&C. So, technically, you can have AF without having an hcg level of 0, but given that yours was fairly low at your last check, my guess is you're at 0 now.

[Deleted User] · December 2017

Oh wow, @tosh24 I'm so sorry. That really sounds like it must have been such a tough process to wait through... I'm so sorry you went through all that. ❤❤❤

@dpjennifer yeah, I think you're probably right. Still just spotting today, but I expect the real deal tomorrow. :/ it is really bumming me out that something so precious and so special - while I held it inside me - is now reduced to just.... a speck of chaff. Poof. :/

I guess I don't even have the words right now...

zamoraspin · December 2017

@BusinessWife Thinking if you. It is so tough the way that life slips away. I wish you didn’t have to know this pain. Hugs.

galactickates · December 2017

@BusinessWife - I know what your saying, Something I had dreamed about every single second of the day and took such care of in my body was gone in seconds and there is nothing you can do about it. It feels unreal no matter how far along you are. I am really sorry you went through that pain. There isn't any upside to it, no "at least.. " or "this happened for a reasons..." none of that, it all just really freaking sucks. I am not really good at comforting words but you are not alone.

NYTino24 · December 2017

*lurking*
@BusinessWife I'm sorry to resurrect this thread, but I wanted to offer my support. Going through a loss is never easy, especially when you've had a long and tough journey! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the next FET gives you your take - home baby.

Mrs Carbo · December 2017

I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. You have had such a difficult experience, and I truly hope that you’re stay in TTCAL is short and sweet.

Intro: First FET ending in CP

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