TW- Joining in

mybigfatgreekfetus · December 2017

This is a group I didn’t want to join, but it seems to be full of some amazing supportive women.

We found out we were expecting after almost a year of trying for our second (DS is 20 months, my goofy screen name is from the April ‘16 BMB). We went in for our 9 week ultrasound and the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I didn’t have any symptoms that pointed to a loss, but it looks like we lost the baby at 7w1d. I’m scheduled for a D&C tomorrow morning.

I’m really struggling with the fact that the loss occurred two weeks ago and I didn’t know that anything was wrong. Something about still carrying this pregnancy has really shaken me to the core. I’m not sure I will ever get that ultrasound image out of my mind.

I am very nervous about the procedure tomorrow. I understand that it is very routine, but I also wonder about the emotional side of it. For those of you that have had one, I’d appreciate to hear your experiences with it, if you feel comfortable sharing.

Also, does anyone have thoughts on how to help your partner get through the loss? DH is as sad and disappointed as I am, but I feel like such a hot mess that I am not being as supportive as I would like.

This is so, so hard. I’m sorry you all have to be in this shitty club and I’m sorry I have to join too. I am glad to have found a group of strong women to heal with. I’m looking forward to beginning to TTC and one day meet my rainbow baby, whether it be through pregnancy or even adoption.

dpjennifer · December 2017

I had a D&C with my first, because it was a suspected molar PG. The procedure is very routine and simple. I was exhausted for days afterwards and had pain from trying to do too much too soon afterwards. Emotionally, remember you still have PG hormones in your system and that will cause a lot of emotion swings before it goes away. MC is a shite-storm.
My DH was my rock. I was/am an emotional disaster because of my 4 MCs. DH is always there and always supportive. Remember that men grieve differently and just because you don't see him grieve or he doesn't grieve the way you want/think he should, doesn't mean that he doesn't care. Remember that he doesn't feel the hormones or the side effects of an early PG and so he may not feel as much as you do. It's ok.
Just try to stay calm and take things one moment at a time.

Kath525 · December 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't have a D&C with either of my losses, so I can't help you there. But as far as men grieving... I would agree with @dpjennifer that men grieve very differently than we do. My advice would be to make sure you're taking care of yourself also. It's perfectly normal to be a hot mess. You've been through a lot. Welcome to the group.

tosh24 · December 2017

Welcome and I am so sorry for your loss. With my first loss I knew the exact time that baby had passed away, but with my second loss it had been at least a week or so and I didn't know because I still had symptoms (and I also found out at my ultrasound). It's awful to be totally blindsided.

I had a D&C with my first loss because I was 9 weeks along and did not want to essentially go through a mini-labour. The D&C itself was quick and simple. I was pretty sore for the first 3 days and I tried to do a bit too much which didn't help. I did not get up off the couch on day 4 and the next day I felt pretty good and basically back to normal, physically. Emotionally, having a D&C was odd. I went into the OR with a baby (albeit one that wasn't alive), and came out feeling completely empty. Like a piece of me was missing. Like I had just left my baby in a cold, sterile room. That part was hard. But overall, I know it was the right choice for me at the time and am at peace with it.

I'm so sorry you have to be here and I hope everything goes as smooth as possible for you. It is definitely a grieving process and just know that you have the right to feel however you're feeling and there is absolutely no timeline to grief.

galactickates · December 2017

Welcome, and I'm so really sorry for your loss and that you had to come here but we are all here for you. As for your DH, I was a mess too and my MH was so strong. I had to stop myself a few times to think of him. I would ask him "how are you doing? This is your loss too. Are you ok?" I think just asking that question makes them feel like they are in this too. I would give MH lots of hugs. I need them as much as he does. I also know what you're saying about not getting the ultra sound images out of your mind. Mine was different but it is still haunting me. ((Hugs))

@tosh24 I know that exact feeling about leaving the OR. I hate that other people have to know that feeling. It's awful. I wish I could "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" it out of my head.

Mack2342 · December 2017

I’m so sorry. I agree with everyone. I’m in your boat now and scheduled for d & c Tuesday. This will be my 3rd. The previous two were very easy physically. I didn’t need any pain meds or anything just some rest.

pumpkinpancake · December 2017

@MyBigFatGreekFetus first, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. My first loss was similar to yours in that I spent three weeks between my first two scans thinking things were still ok, only to find out at the second scan that things had stopped developing weeks earlier. That’s a hard thing to just get over, so give yourself time to process it and grieve.

With my first loss I had a D&C, and it was honestly really easy. I was awake for the procedure and they just gave me some minor pain meds, and I was up and about the next day with just some minor cramping. Mentally, at that point after being in limbo for three weeks between scans, the D&C actually gave me some closure and helped me to move on a little. I didn’t feel like I could handle waiting for my body to realize the baby was gone, so the D&C at least let me have some control over the situation.

I know your post was from yesterday so you may have already had the D&C, but I hope this was helpful.

lumosmaxima · December 2017

I had a d&c after our loss in October. I had been waiting for weeks for the first ultrasound, then waited another week to see if there was any growth (after measuring behind) and by the time the pregnancy was "officially" determined to be non viable...I wanted it done. It was kind of foolish looking back to think it would "all be over" after the d&c because I am still emotionally reeling. And my HCG levels didnt get down to zero until a month after the procedure (thanks OB for the weekly labs...meh) so hormones were a complete mess.

The procedure was fine. My doctor is amazing and everyone was very sensitive. I was crying the whole day, all the time in pre-op and until I fell asleep under anesthesia. I was tired coming home and slept the rest of the evening. But I was back at it the next day, *TW*

taking care of little people like normal

*End TW* and back to work. I didn't bleed much afterwards and just took ibuprofen as needed. I was a roller coaster of ups and downs afterwards, good days and then really intense sadness. Frustrated with my body and impatient. It's tough. No good advice except just do your best to take care of yourself.

mybigfatgreekfetus · December 2017

Gosh you guys don’t know how much I appreciate your responses. My mom is a women’s health nurse, so she was with me along with DH at the hospital. It was nice to have my mom’s very clinical explanation of things. She wasn’t as upset about the process as I was expecting (she had two D&Cs herself due to losses back in the day). I appreciated her strength.

The procedure was really fast and painless. TW - The hardest part for me was staying up all night feeling a full uterus that contained my dead baby. I was pretty much in hysterics most of the night. After I woke up from the procedure I felt very empty, but I also felt a wave of relief knowing that it’s “just me” now. I feel like I can grieve and begin to heal a little now. End TW

DH is tough as nails. He went out to check cows at about 6pm last night and stayed out there for a little over an hour. He usually hangs out with the herd when he’s upset about something. He’ll just sit there and look at our brand new baby calves and admire them. I guess everyone mourns differently. I personally prefer to hang out with my donkeys. They are very sensitive creatures. Can you tell we live on a ranch?

Doc says I’m benched for 3-4 months, which will give me time to heal and get my hormones right. She thinks we have a good shot at a healthy pregnancy in the future. I’m not sure if there is a reason why crappy things like this happen, but I can tell this has pulled my family just a little bit closer, and that’s a definite silver lining. This weekend we are going to plant a new tree out front so we can watch it grow and honor our little one.

Thanks again for your words, ladies. I’ll stay active here so we can power through this together.

tosh24 · December 2017

@MyBigFatGreekFetus Glad everything went as well as can be expected today. It will definitely be a rollercoaster of emotions while healing, but we're all here for you!

I just want to say something here with the caveat that you should definitely listen to your doctor as she may have given you her medical advice based on a number factors, but I just wanted you to know your options in case you were unaware. The advice from the medical community that a woman has to wait 3+ cycles after a miscarriage before TTC again is somewhat archaic. There is recent evidence (supported by medical research) that there is no need to wait multiple cycles to TTC and, in fact, women who get pregnant again within 6 months of a miscarriage are statistically more likely to go on to have a successful live birth. Obviously, with a D&C you need to make sure you have physically healed, but in most routine cases, this is accomplished fairly quickly. I waited for my cycle to return after the D&C (which for me took 4 weeks), and then I sat out that one full cycle, and started TTC again once my next cycle started (so from D&C to TTC again was 8 weeks). This is what my doctor and many others who I've come across on TB have been told by perhaps more progressive doctors. Now, there's the whole emotional aspect to waiting as well and if you need that time to emotionally be ready then you need to do what's best for you, of course. I just wanted to put it out there that if it is not your preference to wait that long to TTC again and there are no medical reasons to do so, there is evidence to support starting sooner.

galactickates · December 2017

@lumosmaxima -was the same was pre-op. The nurse gave me xanax, and then the anesthesia guy pumped something in my IV, none of it made a difference. I didn't stop sobbing until they told me to take a deep breath into the mask and I was out. My health care team was also amazing. My husband said he'd never seen anyone treated as well as I was. Health care professionals have a tough job and I'm so thankful for them.

@MyBigFatGreekFetus - I really love that you are planting a tree. I think that's a really Beautiful sentiment.

mybigfatgreekfetus · December 2017

@tosh24 my mom told me the same thing. She said I’d be fine to try a little earlier. I’m going to see how I feel in the new year and take some OPKs. We are also running the genetic tests from what they collected today, and that takes weeks to come back.

We had TTC for about a year before we got the BFP with this one. I had been breastfeeding DS until 2 days before I got pregnant. I suspect the hormonal issues associated with BF may have contributed to the loss. No telling.

coco2787 · December 2017

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad to hear the procedure went well. I was on the July BMB with you and had almost the exact same experience this morning, it was a huge shock. I have a D&C scheduled for Tuesday. Let me know if you want to talk anytime.

echo-charlietango · December 2017

@MyBigFatGreekFetus @coco2787 I'm happy/sad to see you both here instead of July. Sad that we're in TTCAL, but happy that we are clearly not alone

mybigfatgreekfetus · December 2017

@coco2787 the procedure was really no big deal. I don’t really even have bad cramping or bleeding today. You’ll be ok and start feeling better right away. Sorry to see you and @echocharlietango here.

silvergreen · December 2017

***lurking***

I went through the same experience as you, except my MMC was discovered on Good Friday and I had to wait out the weekend before having the D&C. It was tough but I guess it gave me the time to consider my options. In hindsight I'm glad I opted for the procedure because it definitely gave me back the control I needed amid the chaos of emotions. I had a similar experience to you; distraught but also relieved that the physical part was finally over. I did experience an overwhelmingly emotional breakdown the second night after, and I'm sure hormones amplified the mental pain, but it definitely felt a little easier as each day passed thereafter.

My doctor also recommended we wait three cycles (and it took 7 weeks for my period to return). She said this was to build up the lining, even though I wasn't sure if this was true or not. I followed her advice anyway, and...

*TW*

After my second cycle of TTCAL I got my BFP. I'm a FTM and this is my second pregnancy. I am now 14+2 and baby looks great so far. My last scan was 12+3, but I'm remaining confident.

*TW*

I wanted to share my experience since yours sounds so similar to mine (medical advice and all). It's totally up to you if you want to wait or not. I think it's given me some peace of mind knowing that if something was to go wrong again then I could at least rule that one factor out.

Wishing you much love and healing. ❤️

mybigfatgreekfetus · December 2017

@silvergreen I sincerely appreciate your kind and reassuring words. It’s good to hear that there is hope! I really struggled this morning after generally feeling ok yesterday. I had a pretty big breakdown this morning where I yelled at DH and crumbled into hysterics. I called my sister, and she reassured my that the craziness that I feel is likely due to the dramatic hormonal shift. Once I realized she was right, I began to feel a little better. I’m still struggling with the ultrasound image in my mind.

In the meantime I’m going to focus on what I DO have (a great life) and try to heal emotionally and physically until we get the green light to try again.

coco2787 · December 2017

I keep replaying the ultrasound in my head too, I knew as soon as I saw it that it was too small. It still doesn’t feel real.

myjessesgirl · December 2017

So sorry for your loss. My loss was early so I did not need a d&c. My SIL has a loss at 15 weeks and also says that the u/s was the hardest part. *TW*

Even though she ended up conceiving and having a healthy baby shortly afterwards (I think within 3 months), she still mourns the loss of her baby and cannot ever forget that u/s. It does not matter that it was her third of four pregnancies and that all the others were healthy. That baby will forever be remembered.

*End TW* Give yourself time to recover. It sounds like you have a great family support system and that is so great. And as other ladies have said here, most new recommendations say one full cycle after the d&c and you can try again, if emotionally and physically prepared. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you recover.

robyn2201 · December 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal emotionally. It's hard and there will be bad days and good days. But over time the bad days will be fewer and farther apart. Hopefully your stay here is short.

Want a personalized experience?

TW- Joining in

Re: TW- Joining in

Choose Another Board

Search Boards