TTCAL w/o 12/4

ChloandCoco · December 2017

This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What was your first job?

holly321 · December 2017

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MMC 2/12, MMC 8/17 malignant partial molar pregnancy

Status:

Benched for 5 more months. I think my OB has surgery in my office building, so I plan to feel him out and see how firm the 5 months are. Or at least see if he would think I can discontinue birth control sooner than we planned.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Pretty good, I have been really crampy for the last few days. I am trying not to worry that the mole is regrowing, and doing surprisingly well, although it is in the back of my mind. I really think I am just going to get my period, which will just make me angry, lol.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Hcg drawn today. I don't think they are doing my labs as stat anymore so I won't probably get the results until the end of the week

GTKY: What was your first job?
I was a clerk at a pharmacy. DH and I both worked there.

starla · December 2017

@holly321 I really hope hope it's gone for good and that you can TTC sooner than 5 months.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

2 late first tri MMC; CP last cycle.

Status:

CD10; WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Meh. I'm doing the Yoga with Adriene 30 day yoga challenge on YouTube so that's keeping my mind off things a little bit. I've been breaking out like crazy and I don't know what's causing it. The tea tree oil seems to dry my skin out and make it worse because it just clogs my face more.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

My cycle is being monitored this cycle. I got an endometrial biopsy and saline sono on Friday and got my AMH tested. The biopsy sucked balls. I still have to get my RPL panel done and DH has to go in for his DNA fragmentation test. No results from anything yet except the saline sono looked normal and my CD10 ultrasound showed that my follicles were still small. I had 8/side on CD3 and I'm hoping that's good. I'm going back Friday for my next ultrasound.

GTKY: What was your first job?
Newspaper route.

offtoneverland · December 2017

@holly321 I'm so sorry that you've been cramping. I'll be thinking of you that it's nothing to worry about. Do you have to keep getting your hcg drawn to make sure it's not growing again? I hope you get your lab results quickly and don't have to wait til the end of the week. Is the pharmacy how you met your DH the first time, or did you know him before then?
@starla So sorry for your loss last month. I hope the testing goes well for you and YH. Not quite sure what to say--I hope you don't get any disappointing results, but I also hope you'll find answers for your RPL or a way forward. I love Yoga with Adriene! I haven't done the 30 day challenge, but I do her videos a couple times a week. They're so relaxing and they help me de-stress during the work week.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Two early losses in August and October 2017

Status: About to start the TWW (positive OPK today).

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm feeling a bit nervous. I'm hoping for a BFP in time for Christmas (of course!), but also trying not to put too much pressure on it. Whatever happens, happens.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope!

GTKY: What was your first job? Dairy Queen! I grew up in a small town and DQ was a very popular job.

CraftyG · December 2017

@holly321 Yeah fingers crossed because you’ve been responding so well that they’ll let you off the bench before the five months are up!
@starla I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that your testing goes well and that you get some answers *creepy internet hugs*
@offtoneverland I completely understand about not wanting to put too much pressure on it but I’ve got all my fingers crossed for you!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Loss at 13 weeks Jan 2016, loss at 9 weeks Oct 2017.

Status: CD7, WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I’m off of benched woo! But I’ve just felt so overwhelmed with actually being off the bench that I’m just going to take it easy and start off really light to dip my toes in the water. I’ve also been having a ‘grass is greener on the other side’ moment of two. While I know I’m still really young and I’m building the foundations for a good solid future like getting a degree in a respected career, coming to terms with a traumatic childhood, saving to buy a house etc and when we do have kids it’s going to be amazing. But I can’t help but compare myself to others, especially a couple who left school early, decided to get pregnant without financial stability etc and I know that they’re struggling but I just melt every time I see their little girl.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Nada

GTKY: What was your first job? I was an assistant gymnastics coach

meatballs37 · December 2017

@holly321 I’m so sorry that you might be benched for several months. And in reading your post, it is what has me venturing out from lurking TTGP. I will also be benched for at minimum 5 more months.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. I’m not even sure where to begin. But DH and I have a DD who is 16 months. We also have twin angel boys. One who we lost in October due to twin to twin transfusion syndrome after a surgery to split the placenta and save them both. I carried both him and our surviving twin for three more weeks before my water broke at only 25 + 5w and I delivered them both. Our surviving twin fought hard for 24 days in the NICU before his little body said no more. He passed away just ten days ago and I know it’s very fresh for me to even think about TTC, but I’m mourning the loss also of my February board here.

Status: We are benched at minimum for another five months because I had a c section. Although if I’m being honest, it will be even longer than that so we can take the time to mourn and my body heal.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I had a follow up appointment with my OB yesterday and it went well. I struggled with two uterine infections after my boys were delivered. Most likely because our stillborn boy was not delivered for weeks after he passed. My ultrasound yesterday looked like everything was returning back to how it should and I’m now concentrating on getting healthy with myself not only mentally, but physically. I’m going to join a gym after the first of the year.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? My OB wants me to come in for my yearly after the first of the year and then meet with our MFM about what he recommends for future pregnancies. That won’t be for a while, but I’m glad we have such an attentive OB.

GTKY: What was your first job? Chuck E. Cheese

offtoneverland · December 2017

@meatballs37 Welcome, but I'm so sorry that you're here in the first place. Your post brought tears to my eyes. My sister had TTTS several years ago with her identical twin boys, with a different outcome than yours, so I remember the hospital stays, surgeries, endless ultrasounds, and just waiting to see what would happen. I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. It's such an awful condition and I wish that no one had to go through that. So many hugs to you, not that it helps, but I'll be thinking about you.

meatballs37 · December 2017

@offtoneverland thank you. TTTS is such an awful disease. I wish they knew what caused it. I think that’s the most frustrating part is that they don’t know. I’m also sorry your sister had to go through it all too even though her outcome was different. It’s a stressful pregnancy.

starla · December 2017

@meatballs37 We were on the Feb BMB together for a few weeks. I ghosted after my MMC at 12 weeks. I heard about what was happening and I have been following your blog, but I didn't see the update on this last tragedy. "I'm sorry" seems like such a lame thing to say. It doesn't cut it for what you've gone through and have to deal with. I wish there were more meaningful words I could say to express how devastated I am for you. Your blog updates made my heart ache for you and some brought me to tears. You did your absolute best and fought like hell to keep your boys safe. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sending you all the healing vibes that I can muster.

Edit: My love tit on your post is a giant hug.

ChloandCoco · December 2017

@holly321 I really hope you can start ttc sooner than 5 months. FX crossed!
@starla I'm sorry for your loss last month. Testing for RPL is really hard, I'm currently going through it to.
@CraftyG Yay for being off the bench!
@offtoneverland Good luck in the TWW!
@meatballs37 There are no words for what you went through and sorry just doesn't cover it. I really hope you take all the time you need and if ever you need to vent we are here for you. I too miss all the BMB I was a part of, it definitely makes the grieving process harder. It's good that you have an OB that is so attentive and willing to get the ball rolling early, even if you aren't ready to ttc in 5 months.

I think it's safe to say that all of the love-tits posted on this thread are meant as hugs.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

TFAS

1st nmc at 6.5 weeks on June 5th, 2017

2nd mc at 4.5 weeks on August 17th, 2017

3rd nmc at 7 weeks on November 5th, 2017

Status: Benched - WFAF

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Rave: I had my acupuncture appointment yesterday, and the acupuncturist is amazing. This appointment was to help start AF, and I will meet with her at the beginning of January after all my test results are in to come up with a plan. She didn't want to do anything major this time because I'm going for bloodwork at the end of the week. She made it very clear that acupuncture is suppose to compliment what my OB wants to do. Rant: It's starting to get very busy and this weekend is going to be insane. I like when it's super busy, but even this is a little much.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Bloodwork at the end of the week. And I'm still waiting for AF to schedule the HSG test.

GTKY: What was your first job? I was a gardener for a family friend. I made $5 an hour.

meatballs37 · December 2017

@starla I remember your screen name on feb. I’m so sorry for your loss as well.

holly321 · December 2017

@starla, I am sorry for your lost. I hope you get good results/answers with your tests.
@offtoneverland, I have to continue weekly draws for my first month off of chemo, then I switch to monthly tests. My OBgyn's office called today and said my labs were normal, but I have to be seen if I am still crampy by Friday. Good luck in the TWW, I found out about our 2nd pregnancy right before Christmas and it was really exciting.
@CraftyG , congratulations on getting off the bench! I hope you are able to take things nice and easy. I get the struggle of trying to decide when to make these decisions, especially seeing other struggle. DH and I were planning originally to wait until I was about 35 to have kids, but it started to scare me since my mom had 2 late term losses after me and due to the nature of it was unable to have any more kids, she was 23 at the time.

holly321 · December 2017

Multiple posts because everything I type keeps disappearing!

@meatballs37, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are experiencing. Are you doing well from the infections? It is great the your OB is being so attentive. I too am trying to use the long term bench time to get my self healthier physically and mentally.

@ChloandCoco, that's great that things went well with the acupuncturist! I have been considering trying to go too.

kindbytealikat · December 2017

@holly321 I really hope they let up on that 5 month bench. What's the reasoning, is it the chemo ?
@starla Sorry for your loss, Good Luck with all the test.
@offtoneverland YAY for O day!
@CraftyG I get the "dipping your toes in" thing. My first month off the bench I had to just go with it because I was still processing things and wasn't ready to dive right in.
@meatballs37 I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take your time and be kind to yourself. I know as others have said those words don't mean much after a tragedy like this but I want you to know i'm here for you.
@ChloandCoco hopefully AF gets here soon!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
MC 8/2017

Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm doing well overall. BFN yesterday sent me into a spiral of why I'm here and pregnant and all that. I also checked out a website that has a chance of conceiving calculator and it told me i'm at 30% change naturally conceiving. So that wasn't the best thing to add to what I was already feeling. So now i'm trying to change my mind set and focus on getting healthy so when it does happen i'll be in a healthier overall state.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? If AF isn't here i'll POAS again tomorrow.

GTKY: What was your first job? I started babysitting for a family friend when I was 13. But, my first real job was as a CNA summer after HS. I was to a technical skills HS in the afternoons my junior/senior years and graduated certified.

holly321 · December 2017

@kindbytealikat , no with methotrexate, the newest research says that 1 ovulation cycle is fine. I have to wait because they have to be sure the cancer won't come back, and since the way to know if it has is a rise in HCG, I can't get pregnant. But the odds of regrowth are less than 1% after being negative for 1 month. Then it is like .2% at 3 months and about .17% at 6 months. I can't remember the real percentages (the real percentages are probably lower) but my point is, is that there isn't really a difference between 3 and 6 months, so why the long wait?
FX for you tomorrow. I am sorry about the odds from that website, why were they so low? And as much as I shouldn't, I now plan to go do the same....

kindbytealikat · December 2017

@holly321 my guess is it’s low because I’m obese and over 30, but under 35

galactickates · December 2017

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

1 loss at 9 weeks 11/20 - EP left tube removed.

Status:

Benched but DH and I haven't exactly been that careful. I took a HPT it was a BFN, got a +OPK yesterday morning... secretly hoping for another BFP in 2 weeks. I know.... I'm slapping my own hand. I know better.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Part of me is panicking that I only have one tube. I don't really care if my Dr gives me the side eye if I were to get KU before I'm supposed to. I do however care if I'm not giving my future LO the best head start possible. I didn't want to give my last LO up and I hate waiting. What does scare me though is reading about other women who grew cysts at the surgery site, and the complications from that. It's just easier I guess to tell what's going on if you've waited until your HCG is at 0. I get it. I understand why.... I've been spending an ungodly amount of time researching "what happens if you don't wait 6-8 weeks to TTC after ectopic laparoscopy"

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Thursday they said they wanted me to come back in two weeks to do 1 more blood draw. So I've got that coming up. .

GTKY: What was your first job?
I taught swim lessons & life gaurded

holly321 · December 2017

@galactickates, I was back and forth about saying anything, but considering my situation, and what i have read, I feel like I have to. if you were to get pregnant, and then have a rise in your HCG at your next draw, they may think it is persistent EP and might push for MTX, so, I would be careful until your HCG is back to normal. Unfortunately, EP is one of the causes of GTD. Have you taken a home test?

galactickates · December 2017

@holly321 I did take an Home test yesterday morning it was a BFN. I was going to take another one today and for the next couple days. I have the big pack of tests from Amazon so it's not that big of a deal for me to test as much as I want

Eta I did do a lot of reading about why they want you to wait. And for reasons like that. I guess my heart is hurting so much I just want to try again so badly. But I know it will be so much worse for me if I get a BFP before the 6-8 weeks for the exact reason you are saying. I think I mentioned it because I needed a little reality check.

galactickates · December 2017

Looking back now, I feel like I should have said a few days ago.... guys help me. I am thinking about being irresponsible on purpose. Help me through this. I can't really do anything about it now. But I can careful moving forward. It's just been so painful. It's a huge reason why I'm here. It really helps to have people to talk to who know what your going through. That have felt the pain you have, then told you're not even allowed to do what you want for medical reasons. It's all so frustrating and heart breaking.

offtoneverland · December 2017

@galactickates I understand what you mean to a degree; it was really hard to switch from TTC to benched. I was really tempted to just conveniently "forget" my fertile signs and TTC anyways. However, mine wasn't a super big deal since the doctor recommended being benched only so that I'd have a normal period so it would be easier to guess my EDD if I got KU again. So my situation was not quite to the extent of yours!
Can you find anything at all to help take your mind off things? Get a huge jigsaw puzzle, get lost in a good book or a long TV series, eat lots of ice cream, go shopping for Christmas presents...something to help you be a little bit distracted? I mean, I know it's not easy to distract yourself but maybe you could find something to make it easier on yourself. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or therapist? I don't mean to imply that you need mental help or anything, but maybe it would just be helpful to have someone to help talk you through your feelings.
@kindbytealikat I'm sorry for the BFN. I wouldn't trust those statistics you found! I don't know what the source/science is behind those, but everyone and every body is different. Don't let the statistics get you down!
@holly321 So glad to hear your test results were normal. I'm sorry you're still feeling crampy. I'll be thinking about you and praying that the cramps go away and it's nothing to worry about.
@meatballs37 I hope that some day they can figure out what causes TTTS and get rid of it. It's truly awful and heartbreaking. I'll be thinking about you. Please feel free to post on this thread whenever you need support or need to talk.
@CraftyG I'm so glad you're off the bench now! I understand you feeling hesitant about it too. What are you getting a degree in?
@ChloandCoco Yay for a great acupuncture session! I listened to a podcast about getting pregnant (I can't remember the name of it) and they were talking about the benefits of having your acupuncturist work with your OB. Sounds like a great idea. I hope AF starts for you soon so you can get your HSG scheduled.

holly321 · December 2017

@galactickates *hugs*. I completely understand where you are coming from. I keep having very similar feelings, I just want to say screw it and start trying. fortunately/unfortunately I was "made" get the depo shot (I didn't want it, but after talking to my doctor, agreed it was best.)
You could try now and chances are everything would be perfectly fine, but the worry would be the worst. TW, I was a wreck for a large part of my pregnancy with my son that was within months of my first loss. End TW

galactickates · December 2017

@offtoneverland sometimes you need a mirror to realize you might need help. I think you might be right. The OB office I go to offered a mental health person to me when they checked in on me the next day after surgery. At the time I was so out of it and focused on recovery I said no. I think now because I'm struggling so much it's probably time I call them. I just didn't think it would effect me as much as it is.

galactickates · December 2017

@meatballs37 - I'm so sorry for your loss. I was so wrapped up in me me me. I can't believe I didn't even see your post and all the responses. I feel so awful and embarrassed. I can't even imagine the heart ache you are going through. We are all here for you. These ladies are all so amazing and supportive even while going through their own difficult time. ((So many hugs))

[Deleted User] · December 2017

@meatballs37. I am so very sorry for all you've been through. And I'm glad you've made your way back to TTGP. There is an amazing group of women here, as you know. And while I won't try to compare your struggles with ours, these ladies helped me get through many long months of being benched, without jumping off a bridge. Uh... figuratively of course. But. I do hope you will stay and lean on us as you process everything.... ❤

<div><b>Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. </b> First FET after 30 months TTC ended in a CP just after Thanksgiving.</div><div>
</div><div><b>Status: </b> WFFET2</div><div>
</div><div><b>How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?</b> Mostly I think I'm struggling with DH. He doesn't get it. He literally said it was nothing and the baby didn't even start to implant. (Meanwhile I kept the darkest test and the photo of our blast, bc that's all I have left of our first little embaby...) And he says I did this to myself by testing early. I wanted to just throw him! I was in tears on my way to work after my baselines, and he just did not help, at all. Other than that, I really think I'm coping okay, it would just be nice if he would validate my feelings, my grief, and not just say I'm choosing to be upset over nothing.</div><div>
</div><div><b>Any testing coming up/any recent results? </b>We have a transfer date 12/22 for our next FET, and I've started taking Estrace so far, so I go in Monday to check BW and scan.</div><div>
</div><div><b>GTKY: What was your first job?</b> First was probably babysitting, but apart from that, my first paychecks were for my two summer jobs as as a Lifegurd and pro burrito roller!

*omitted word</div>

galactickates · December 2017

@BusinessWife - I'm sorry about your DH. I completely disagree with your husband. I know how badly you want/wanted that LO. To get that BFP and then to lose it is just awful. Men can be really insensitive. They don't day dream like we do about our future children. One of my best friends (also neighbor) TTC for 3 years. At beginning of the year she got a BFP but lost 4 days later. It still really upsets to her. I understand why. We've both cried a lot, with and for each other. It just hurts.

offtoneverland · December 2017

@BusinessWife Gosh, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me not to test early! I get so upset when people say that. Sure, if you hadn't tested early you wouldn't have known. But I'm on team "I really want to know." If someone keeps having CPs, I personally think it's good to know that in case it becomes an issue. I'm so sorry for your loss and for YH's reaction. With my two losses, I really wanted DH to be sad or angry with me but it just didn't affect him. I think pregnancy is weird for men because they don't know what it feels like and they can't see a baby (or a bump), so it just doesn't seem real to them. When I started bleeding with my most recent loss, I was sobbing all night long and DH was just like "what's wrong?" He didn't understand the horrible 48-hour wait for the next hcg draw and how sad it was to not know what was going on in my body.

Image: https://media1.tenor.com/images/b1a8c55721a6e6a5afc20c67bdefe439/tenor.gif?itemid=3527226

(Just kidding, boys are great, but they are a lot of work sometimes!)

[Deleted User] · December 2017

Thanks ladies, I know you totally get it. ❤ that alone means so much. A couple IRL friends I messaged that day just didn't even know what to say! Lol like literally did not respond. Okay. But I know you guys get it, and then a couple bumpies messaged me randomly that morning just to see how I was doing, and I was just like, Wow. I don't know where I'd be in all this mess without you guys!

holly321 · December 2017

@BusinessWife, I am sorry about your DH, mine can be the same way. With this pregnancy, I started to bleed at 5 weeks and my hcg/progesterone was really low, so DH and my mom kept saying I should not have tested so early, I would not have known/been worrying. I want to shake them so bad, I took clomid and had ovulation confirmed, so I kind of had to test once my period was late. And I am sorry your friends you reached out to did not respond. I know it is hard to find the words, but it still hurts when people don't acknowledge what is going on. Literally everyone knows my situation, and several "friends" have not said a word.

[Deleted User] · December 2017

Omg I just don't get it! How hard is it to say hey, how's your day going? Thinking of you, I'm here if you want to chat etc. I mean Rully ppl lol

holly321 · December 2017

Or a simple "I'm sorry."

starla · December 2017

@BusinessWife I'm so sorry to see you here. I second everything @offtoneverland said. Also, I think it's important for others, especially SOs an for those close to us, to acknowledge the loss and our grief. MH doesn't quite get it, but he understands that I'm upset. He wasn't as distraught over the losses as he was terribly worried about me (to the point that he had very high BP - fortunately it's back down now!). That's good enough for me.

zamoraspin · December 2017

@meatballs37 I am so sorry for the loss of your boys. Thank you for coming here and sharing with us. You need and deserve all the support you can get, I hope we can all help to support you.
@holly321 Are you feeling less crampy? AF is annoying but would it mean things are getting back to "normal'?
@starla I'm sorry about the breakouts. Zits suck especially when you are an adult. Is the tea tree stuff new for you? I have started experiencing a crazy level of acne that I think is hormone related. TW the first time it happened was during my most recent pregnancy end TW, and then it happened at about 4 or 5 dpo this cycle (benched so it must be progesterone). I get dozens of tiny pimples, mostly at my temples but also in other spots. It takes them a while to go away, like 10 days or so at least.
@offtoneverland I hope this is your sticky bean cycle. What a great Christmas present that would be.
@craftyg "Comparison is the the thief of joy" and while that is so true it's hard to stop comparing yourself to others. It sounds like you doing amazing things for yourself and for the family you have now and the family you will have. I hope your BFP and sticky bean are right around the corner.
@BusinessWife I'm sorry YH is not getting it. It's not unusual, unfortunately. I think some of the things that are hard for others (including sometimes our partners) to understand are (1) that baby was and is real, even from the first moment you saw that BFP and (2) a pregnancy loss is also a loss of a status you have been yearning and working towards, that of mother. Please know that you are still a mom, no matter what happens from here on out. As to testing early, get that out of here. Whatever. We test when we want. You still would have had a positive blood test even if you hadn't tested early, and your hopes still would have been up.
@galactickates I get it. It's hard to wait. I did not receive clear instructions from my RE about when we were allowed to try again following my d&c and I strongly considered trying this cycle (I was told we could try right away after my first two mc's, but there was no surgery with those). A fellow loss mom pointed out to me that if I got ku this cycle and then something bad happened, I would probably wonder whether it was because I tried too soon. Lady, you had some intense surgery, I think you gotta give it a rest. The fact that your cycle is returning is a good sign that you will be on track to try again next cycle when you are in better health.

zamoraspin · December 2017

Ok, posted too soon and I know tags don't show up if I edit so:
@kindbytealikat I hope you get your BFP, is it still early? It's hard not to spiral when you see that BFN. Honestly, odds don't mean much re conceiving and to be in a 30% range is actually really good. My RE told me at my age my chance each spontaneous cycle is 15% of getting ku, which doesn't mean a damn thing because I beat that on the regular.
@ChloandCoco What do you have going on this weekend? Lots of parties?

ChloandCoco · December 2017

@BusinessWife I'm really sorry your DH acted that way and it's true, guys just don't get it. They don't have that instant connection and hope because they aren't the ones carrying the baby. I found it helped to tell my DH that I was not only grieving the loss, but also the loss of announcing, planning, and the dreams of what that baby could've been. As for people texting, after my third loss (people don't know about my second cp), only 2 of my friends texted and checked in with me. And if I didn't have the ladies on this board, it would've been a lot harder to go through. People just don't talk about miscarriages and therefore have no idea what to say or how to act around someone who is going through a loss.
@zamora_spin I'm going out for a fancy dinner with my DH on Friday, then a birthday dinner with my side of the family on Saturday, and on Sunday I'm hosting a cookie exchange. So super busy!

starla · December 2017

@zamora_spin I've been using tea teee oil for years. It does work, but I think I'm using it too much. I'm trying to exfoliate and moisturize more now. I don't usually break out like this, only a couple zits around AF. These are white heads that are kind of deep and very red. It makes them hard to get rid of. I don't know what's going on! I haven't changed anything in my routine.

zamoraspin · December 2017

@BusinessWife I agree with @ChloandCoco people don't know what to say because culturally we don't talk about mc (or really grief in general). I also think sometimes people are afraid to bring it up or give you space to talk about it because they're afraid they are reminding you. They don't realize it's not something you are really going to forget. None of that excuses a lack of support.

If it becomes or is a pattern of not being supportive, I heard some good advice on Beat Infertility in the episode about dealing with friends and family - if you give someone three chances to support you, and they choose not to support you, give yourself permission to distance from the relationship and stop investing in it, whether temporarily or permanently. I have a friendship where I had to cut the cord and just ignore this person as much as possible because she (1) ignored me for months after I told her about my first loss, (2) TW said insensitive things when she called me to tell me about her own pregnancy (it was so easy for her, and she tried to silver-lining my loss, meanwhile if she'd bothered to ask how I was she would have known I was anxiously awaiting CD1 to do my testing cycle following my second loss), and then (3) had the nerve to text me out of the blue AND come up to me at an event just to complain about her pregnancy symptoms. end TW. Nope, don't need you in my life right now. It's hard to completely cut her out because we are in the same profession and have mutual friends, but I have done it as much as possible and it has definitely been good for me.

acciocoffee · December 2017

@starla I did that 30 day challenge over the summer and it was so great for me! I really should do it again actually.
@galactickates I completely understand where you are coming from. We technically don't need to wait to try again, but I am forcing myself to wait this month out because if we got pregnant and had another loss, I would always wonder if it was because we didn't wait. I have to keep reminding myself that having a baby one month later than I wanted is probably not going to matter long term.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. TFAS. We had a NMC last week at 8 weeks.

Status: TTA/Self-Benched? Sorry. I'm new. Be gentle with me.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I've been through a lot of emotions this week. I went from completely devastated last week to guilt over whether I did something to cause this to guilt over actually feeling ok with our loss when it's only been a week to guilt over being excited to try again and hopefully get the baby I dreamed of.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I have to take a HPT at the end of the month to make sure it's negative. Being the responsible adult that I am, I bought the giant box of tests off Amazon so I can allow myself to test earlier when we are unbenched.

GTKY: What was your first job? I worked at an ice cream shop! It was actually a really great first job.

galactickates · December 2017

@acciocoffee - I totally see what your saying but I just had my left fallopian tube removed. So unfortunately every month matters for me because I have no idea what side I'll be ovulating from. I definitely don't want that doubt though. I'm really more concerned about the health risks from cysts that can develop. I think that extra pressure of uncertainty is what is making this so hard for me. If I had both tubes I wouldn't be nearly as stressed.

Eta - I totally know how your feeling. I've gone through that same roller coaster of emotions.

We're all going through a lot right now. I definitely agree with everyone. We need to be easy on ourselves. Holidays can be so hard when you're feeling so many feelings. I just want to give everyone a hug right now

[Deleted User] · December 2017

Wow. Yeah. You said a lot there @zamora_spin !!! So to be clear, this was the day of my baselines, both friends knew what had just happened. And that morning I was basically just bitching about my shitty morning and dh totally dismissing my feelings.... Crickets. Benefit of the doubt, text glitch? Maaaybe??? But the one didn't say anything until the next day and just asked me how I was doing. Work stress related support offered. Cool? (To be fair, both of her kids were happy accidents and never really struggled to get ku or had a loss that I know of, or really yearned for motherhood the way I have, nor wishes to have any more.)

The other is my childhood bestie, (who may or may not decide to stalk me eventually and see this lol), but we went through all the IF together... all the waiting, all the bfns, then ***tw***

<div class="Spoiler">She went onto ivf before me, and had success with her first and only fresh transfer, as they are likely OAD and had none left to freeze.</div>
So she knows about treatment, and she is wishing and hoping for our success, but she hasn't had a loss, or even the stress of this marathon we've already begun, (months of Clomid prior to MESA/TESE, his retrieval, my two ivfs, polypectomy, first FET etc....). Her go-to is the medical side, when is the next transfer, are we doing the same protocol, are we going to try era or pgs or....? And it's like, I can't with all that. I totally get it, like shes going into fix-it mode, but it's too much to think about and it not where I'm at.

If I could draw a picture, I would be floating underwater, down beneath the heavy waters in the deep end of the pool... I can see that there's a sparkling light beyond the surface if I look up, and there's a cold ladder off in the distance that maybe is my next fet. I know it's there. But it is small comfort to know there is a way up and out on the horizon. But this deep water is my home now, and that lifeline is still out of reach. There's no way to get there any quicker, so you're still just rolling in the deep until time's up, and the lifeguard blows the whistle, and you wait those 10 days in the sunlight until Beta..., when you may, or may not, just be thrown back in the pool again.

I dunno. But she's so far along right now, I think as much as her heart is in the right place, her own emotions are so far removed from mine where I am at 30 months TTC and post loss. :/

zamoraspin · December 2017

Y’all - AF was due today and started experiencing cramps this morning. The cramping has gotten worse and worse to the point where I have gasped a few times from the pain. Definitely worse than anything I have experienced before. Ibuprofen has done nothing. A bath helped me a little. Weirdest thing is I’m still not bleeding.

Anyone experienced this first cycle post d&c? Can’t tell if I should be worried.

TTCAL w/o 12/4

Re: TTCAL w/o 12/4

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