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November 2017 Moms
dragonfly87-2
member
Maintaining a Strong Relationship with Your Significant Other
dragonfly87-2
member
In reading articles and books (my favorite is "And Baby Makes Three" by John Gotman), a lot of advice is to make sure to prioritize your relationship with your SO and even prioritize it above your relationship with your child. I recognize this may not be the focus or seem like a popular opinion, especially because we all have such new little bundles of joy that require so much attention right now. But overall, to me, it makes sense. If your relationship with your SO isn't strong, then it's going to be harder for you both to be happy, healthy and in a good spot to parent your child together.
So my question is, for FTMs...what are you doing to actively prioritize your relationship with your SO? For STM+s, what have you done in the past that has worked well?
So my question is, for FTMs...what are you doing to actively prioritize your relationship with your SO? For STM+s, what have you done in the past that has worked well?
Re: Maintaining a Strong Relationship with Your Significant Other
Share your struggles too. Having trouble nursing? Let your partner know. Feeling left out and isolated? Let them know! We often forget that while we are wrapped up in our new littles or bigger kids, they are often not and may not think about how lonely it can be. They are not mind readers, they are not our caretakers, but they frequently want to help out and don't know how.
Our partners often time want to be there for us and don't know how, or don't know how to approach us with offers of help. It is a hard balance for them, wanting to help without being condescending, being supportive without taking over. While we are tired, we have to remember that we need to be understanding of where our SO's are coming from too.
Just remember you are on the same team and need to treat one another like a partner rather than an adversary which can be hard to do sometimes.
We we have really tried to keep up with “us” though. When we have our parents here, we take a drive out or run errands just the two of us. Sex drive is non-existant right now, although it is really nice to be in bed and able to touch him without a pillow barricade again.
Today was really rough though. He was working all day on a woodworking project of his (building the crib he designed, actually). The dog was particularly needy today and the baby fussy. After 7.5hrs on my own, he finished and I thought I would finally get a little break. Only he asked for more time to just sit and have a snack for a little while by himself. Nearly lost it on him.
The thing I find the hardest part with is the help that is asked for, but forgotten. He has a short-term memory like a sieve. He regularly says to just ask for help when I need it, but most of the time when I ask for help he forgets what I asked him to do and gets side tracked by something else. I don’t want to be a nag. It is so hard to know what is that line between reminding and nagging.
Also, as crazy as it may sound, we have tried to maintain some level of intimacy/closeness in the past two weeks. Of course we are abstaining for the 6 week postpartum period, but even a quick bath together or let's just say anything other than the full thing lol, has definitely helped us feel like our normal selves. He even spontaneously offered to give me a back massage the other day, which was amazing since breastfeeding has made my back ache in new ways.
My anxiety doesn't really help this as I'm usually crying or mad so I need to get that under control.
Definitely taking at least an hour a day for just us to talk or eat helps.
I pump twice a day so DH can give him a bottle. We try to have time the 3 of us after DD goes to bed. That has helped DH bond with baby.
My DH has been very helpful, but mostly because I had him go to baby and postpartum prep classes (which he dreaded ahead of time) so he could hear from someone else how hard raising a baby can be. They also gave specific tasks that a partner can do to be proactive and help, which made it clear to DH how he could be supportive. For example, he changes almost all diapers when we are home and then brings DD to me after to breastfeed. On weekends, he wakes up when DD does at 7am and takes her downstairs in the boba wrap so I can sleep an extra two hours. So we have established roles and routines.
Do you think being specific with your DH and defining roles might be helpful?