December 2017 Moms
mickeymousemama
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Stressed with Holiday plans and in-laws.
mickeymousemama
member
Since we're going to be having newborns during the height of the Christmas season, what is everyone's plan for handling your families and keeping baby safe?
At at this point I'm tempted to make a "beware of mama bear" and "handle at your own risk" sign with a list of health and safety rules for anyone who considers getting too close. They were all suggesting at my baby shower that our baby will be getting passed around like a hot potato between all the relatives on Christmas Eve. I tried to be polite, bite my tounge, and just smile at the comments, but in the back of my head I was thinking " yeah right, not if you don't want to loose an arm or a leg". I'm not a people person to begin with do not appreciate people in my personal space, so I'm afraid that may get worse once baby gets here. Alot has changed in the past few years on baby care, and all the relatives seem to be suck in the 1950's with the mindset of "we didn't do things that way when we were kids and look how we turned out". I'm also a liscensed vet tech so I understand the benefits of things like vaccines and preventing the spread diseases that can be transferred on simple vectors like clothing or direct contact with skin or mucous membranes. And just as a slight rant, it really bugs me that my MIL refuses to attend a baby CPR class, her excuse that that she's a teacher so she's already had to learn CPR. Of course lets just ignore the fact that she teaches 3rd grade, so there's a huge difference in the child's size, and my FIL has zero CPR training. She's also never had to actually give CPR to anyone. Being a vet tech I've had to give CPR numerous times and even I learned a lot from taking the baby CPR class.
For whatever reason my in laws seem to have these grandiose expectations of what we will be doing with them during the holidays, they're excuse is that " everyone's in town" so we must spend all our time with them. We've already told them no to quite a few things, but they are the type that don't take no for an answer and continue to push every single time. Normally I can keep my cool and continue to say no, or make up some sort of excuse, but it gets exhausting to deal with the same contestant questions and request no matter how many times you've explained why they can't have everything their way. I'm afraid that I'll be homormal and/or exhausted and snap at some point. They mean well, but they just don't get it. For example we've had the same issue of spending time with them on Christmas come up every single year that my husband and I have been together. I've stood my ground on the issue, to the point where I spent Christmas alone one year because of it, but thankfully my husband has come to agree with me on the issue. Both of our parents live within 30 mins of us. Every year we spend Christmas Eve with his family and they have a huge party going into the wee hours of the night. For Christmas Day we go over to my parents for breakfast or dinner and spend the rest of our day relaxing and enjoying eachothers company. Every year my MIL insist that we go over to her house on Christmas for breakfast or dinner since we don't spend the entire day with my parents. And every year I put my foot down. They get us for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but they don't get both. The fact that we don't spend the entire day with my parents is none of their business and we have offered many times to switch days if they really want us on Christmas Day. Apparently from what I've been told by my SIL they're already upset that they won't be getting us and the new baby on both days, even though this issue comes up every year. They also had the crazy idea that we would be able to a family outing to a hockey game 2 days after Christmas since we'll still be off on maternity leave and the "family will still be in town". Thankfully my husband shut that down right away. But seriously who would even consider that new parents would want to make the 1-2 hour drive to the hockey game, spend 2 hours at a cramped and noisy restaurant before the game, and then 3 hours in a cold and noisy hockey stadium, before driving 2-3 hours home; keep in mind this would all be with a 2-4 wk old new born and a hopefully breastfeeding mama. Thankfully my husband and I are on the same side and my SIL "gets it", since the inlaws have made ridiculous demands with her time as well, she can at least help explain and backup our position.
I'm going to be a first time mom and I've read as much as I can to prepare for a newborn, but I have a feeling that there's no way you can truly know what to expect until you've been there, so I don't even know how much energy or desire we'll have to even want to spend time around anyone. My biggest concerns are protecting baby from all the overbearing relatives, and insisting that we can't spend all our time with everyone. Does anyone have any ideas or tips that may help dealing with the inlaws, or what you're planning on doing with a newborn during the holidays?
At at this point I'm tempted to make a "beware of mama bear" and "handle at your own risk" sign with a list of health and safety rules for anyone who considers getting too close. They were all suggesting at my baby shower that our baby will be getting passed around like a hot potato between all the relatives on Christmas Eve. I tried to be polite, bite my tounge, and just smile at the comments, but in the back of my head I was thinking " yeah right, not if you don't want to loose an arm or a leg". I'm not a people person to begin with do not appreciate people in my personal space, so I'm afraid that may get worse once baby gets here. Alot has changed in the past few years on baby care, and all the relatives seem to be suck in the 1950's with the mindset of "we didn't do things that way when we were kids and look how we turned out". I'm also a liscensed vet tech so I understand the benefits of things like vaccines and preventing the spread diseases that can be transferred on simple vectors like clothing or direct contact with skin or mucous membranes. And just as a slight rant, it really bugs me that my MIL refuses to attend a baby CPR class, her excuse that that she's a teacher so she's already had to learn CPR. Of course lets just ignore the fact that she teaches 3rd grade, so there's a huge difference in the child's size, and my FIL has zero CPR training. She's also never had to actually give CPR to anyone. Being a vet tech I've had to give CPR numerous times and even I learned a lot from taking the baby CPR class.
For whatever reason my in laws seem to have these grandiose expectations of what we will be doing with them during the holidays, they're excuse is that " everyone's in town" so we must spend all our time with them. We've already told them no to quite a few things, but they are the type that don't take no for an answer and continue to push every single time. Normally I can keep my cool and continue to say no, or make up some sort of excuse, but it gets exhausting to deal with the same contestant questions and request no matter how many times you've explained why they can't have everything their way. I'm afraid that I'll be homormal and/or exhausted and snap at some point. They mean well, but they just don't get it. For example we've had the same issue of spending time with them on Christmas come up every single year that my husband and I have been together. I've stood my ground on the issue, to the point where I spent Christmas alone one year because of it, but thankfully my husband has come to agree with me on the issue. Both of our parents live within 30 mins of us. Every year we spend Christmas Eve with his family and they have a huge party going into the wee hours of the night. For Christmas Day we go over to my parents for breakfast or dinner and spend the rest of our day relaxing and enjoying eachothers company. Every year my MIL insist that we go over to her house on Christmas for breakfast or dinner since we don't spend the entire day with my parents. And every year I put my foot down. They get us for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but they don't get both. The fact that we don't spend the entire day with my parents is none of their business and we have offered many times to switch days if they really want us on Christmas Day. Apparently from what I've been told by my SIL they're already upset that they won't be getting us and the new baby on both days, even though this issue comes up every year. They also had the crazy idea that we would be able to a family outing to a hockey game 2 days after Christmas since we'll still be off on maternity leave and the "family will still be in town". Thankfully my husband shut that down right away. But seriously who would even consider that new parents would want to make the 1-2 hour drive to the hockey game, spend 2 hours at a cramped and noisy restaurant before the game, and then 3 hours in a cold and noisy hockey stadium, before driving 2-3 hours home; keep in mind this would all be with a 2-4 wk old new born and a hopefully breastfeeding mama. Thankfully my husband and I are on the same side and my SIL "gets it", since the inlaws have made ridiculous demands with her time as well, she can at least help explain and backup our position.
I'm going to be a first time mom and I've read as much as I can to prepare for a newborn, but I have a feeling that there's no way you can truly know what to expect until you've been there, so I don't even know how much energy or desire we'll have to even want to spend time around anyone. My biggest concerns are protecting baby from all the overbearing relatives, and insisting that we can't spend all our time with everyone. Does anyone have any ideas or tips that may help dealing with the inlaws, or what you're planning on doing with a newborn during the holidays?
Re: Stressed with Holiday plans and in-laws.
Which is worse: skipping a party and having to tune out your MIL’s grousing? Or going to a party with too many people, getting overwhelmed, and dramatically snapping at some well-meaning person who isn’t finely tuned to your emotions and making a dramatic exit?
As for the cpr, if you don’t feel comfortable with how your ILs will be able to take care of the baby, then don’t let them. Make them watching the baby conditional on taking infant cpr if it’s that important to you. If you still need the free care and she still refuses, that might be something you would just have to live with. But wringing your hands and not making firm decisions is only going to stress YOU out more.
April 2016 - AMH, FSH, Progesterone normal
June 2016 - HSG clear
*TW* BFP - Aug16, demise confirmed Sep16, incomplete m/c, D&C Nov16
BFP 3/27/17, edd 12/7/17
DS - 12/9/17
TTC #2 December 2018
BFP 2/22/19, edd 11/4/19
DD - 11/1/19
My Chart
April 2016 - AMH, FSH, Progesterone normal
June 2016 - HSG clear
*TW* BFP - Aug16, demise confirmed Sep16, incomplete m/c, D&C Nov16
BFP 3/27/17, edd 12/7/17
DS - 12/9/17
TTC #2 December 2018
BFP 2/22/19, edd 11/4/19
DD - 11/1/19
My Chart
@whiska thanks for going all Dear Abby, it's nice to get some positive reinforcement for doing what works for us and not worry about anyone else's expectations.
But what I'm really curious about is, for those parents with newborns who are planning on going to some sort family gathering over the holidays, what is their plan of attack for keeping baby safe and themselves sane? Are you planing on letting everyone hold your newborn, only a select few hold or touch them, or just tying them to you and only letting people look but not touch? And is there any polite way to ask people not to touch, hold, or to give your baby back without seeming like an overprotective parent? Are you expecting to spend a significant amount of time visiting the family or are you going to just pop in for a half hour and sneak out the back door when it's time to leave?
Also on a side note, does anyone have any new holiday traditions they plan on starting with their new family? If there's already a post on that subject please let me know.
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12710650/holiday-plans-with-new-baby/p1
DD - 12/28/17
TTC #2 3/2019
BFP 5/2019 || MC - D&C 5/2019
BFP 2/2020 || EDD 10/10/2020
I know it sounds silly but if you think family will give you pushback or not respect your own boundaries, a white lie of "the doctor said..." can sometimes be effective.
Also, babywear.
With the CPR classes, you really need to set your expectations lower and accept that it won't happen. Unlike vaccines, not kissing the baby's face or hands, etc, taking infant CPR classes is not on the standard list of non-negotiable to-dos for most relatives. You could keep politely or jokingly hint that they should sign up and complete the class, but alas, is that any different than when your mil has incessantly insisted on monopolizing your time on Christmas? Realistic boundaries and acceptance of our families is a two way street.
I've been prepping my family and close friends for my need for personal space and my alone time my whole life, as I'm sure you have, and I've been giving them a refresher course the last 8 months. The key to keeping yourself and those around you as happy as one human possibly can is managing expectations to a realistic level, as early as possible. I usually make self deprecating jokes about how I'm a cranky harpy with guests that stay too long and it'll only get worse with a crying infant and recovery. Humor usually goes a long way to smoothing over "quirks" such as a desperate need for space. I always follow up with expressions of how loved and needed and wanted everyone is.
From personal experience and from everyone I've heard from and every advice I've ever read, it really should be your husband as the one to address his parents if there needs to be more of a direct approach. It's not to say you're not entitled to say it yourself, it's just that the in-law dynamic is a bit more tentative and has the tendency to not bounce back as quickly or as completely than the parent child relationship, should anything become awkward or upsetting.
Of course, in general, it's completely unrealistic of anyone to have any expectations of new parents of a tiny infant to do anything other than care for that infant and get through each day. We're already planning on spending Xmas Eve with just the three of us and our pup. My family is coming Christmas day and doing all of the cooking and cleanup at our house for us. My in-laws will come by, especially my mil, but bil and sil have four children of their own who are almost always sick this time of year so we've all just agreed to play it by ear if we'll see them or not. We're also pretty flexible and relaxed people, so that helps.
Bottom line is that you can't expect others to know your needs unless they're made clear. You said that you've made your needs clear but it sounds like however you've communicated that, the mark has been missed. You and your husband should try again and then be confident enough to live your lives they way you need to. Be open to meeting them halfway on things (maybe not this time but say maybe Easter)and accept that your loving in-laws are who they are and they only have the best intentions- but that your lives do not have to be dictated by anyone's intentions, however good they are.
Good luck ladies