I think WAYYYYYY too much emphasis is put on gifts and parties. I feel like people have started to interpret "I had X number of people at my wedding/shower/birthday" or "I got x number of gifts" as how much they are loved or cared for. I find it so disturbing. There are people who have HUGE parties and get countless gifts and they are completely uncared for, as well as people who never have any parties or receive any gifts and they are very much loved.
Scary Mommy posted an article on FB about a woman feeling hurt that no one threw her a shower because it felt to her like no one cared about her or the baby. In the comments section there were SOOOO many women saying they felt like they had to throw their own shower because no one offered to and they ended up getting very hurt feelings.
This is all upside down. We need to stop placing so much emphasis on this sort of thing. Getting presents/balloons/cake/whatever doesn't make you a loved person. To be clear - I don't think the individual women are being bad for feeling this way. I think our society is bad for overly romanticizing this sort of thing. Extravagant parties like the weddings and showers we see these days is really a NEW thing. It's not even normal. It makes me feel so frustrated that this consumer driven, materialistic, social media ego tripping part of our culture is making pregnant women feel so shitty about themselves.
@antoto YES, the materialism is overwhelming, and the fact that this misconception is so widespread sucks for introverts because it forces us into celebrating life changes in the same way that extroverts do, even though we don't enjoy it and get super drained and stressed out by those types of parties. I was so glad to have a reason to not have a baby shower and still, 8 years later, wish MH and I had eloped. Lesson learned!
@antoto YES, the materialism is overwhelming, and the fact that this misconception is so widespread sucks for introverts because it forces us into celebrating life changes in the same way that extroverts do, even though we don't enjoy it and get super drained and stressed out by those types of parties. I was so glad to have a reason to not have a baby shower and still, 8 years later, wish MH and I had eloped. Lesson learned!
All of this for me as well. I don't want to have a shower of any sort. It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, it just makes me so uncomfortable and stressed that I would rather just avoid it completely. I'm afraid my work is going to throw me a baby shower and, even though it is super sweet, I would just rather not do it.
Not an UO, but those stories or the ones where nobody shows up to a birthday party breaks my heart. I do think you made a good point about how our society puts too much emphasis on parties to celebrate life events and that is not a great indicator of how loved someone is. You are very right that these parties are definitely not a good indicator of value. I wonder how you could help someone see that when they feel disappointment from not receiving a party or nobody shows up?
@DDRRT1982 I have no idea - I think it's REALLY ingrained in people (at least in The US) to put a huge value in "Instagram worthy" parties. I think people need more than just their friend reassuring them it's all bullshit in the end - we would need a huge cultural shift.
@antoto it's like you read my mind. I think it was a couple weeks ago I posted a FFFC that it felt like MH's side of the family wasn't excited about our baby because they hadn't offered us a shower.
Well now I regret it because this week my SIL said she wanted to throw me one, and it has me suuuuper stressed because that means a weekend of 16 hours in a car in my third trimester. I'd so much rather be home getting the nursery ready or just hanging out with MH, and I hate being the center of attention anyway. Why was I sad again that they hadn't offered a couple weeks ago? haha
@stlbuckeye132 I did the same damn thing to myself for my wedding. I made it this ENORMOUS, expensive, complicated, fancy affair and the day of my wedding I was tearing my hair out and barely having any fun. I mean I know some people thrive on that shiz, but I am not that person at all. I think I just felt like I HAD to do that because there were going to be pictures of it on social media and I wanted everyone to be impressed by it. Which was so damn lame of me.
I was convinced to do the big wedding thing by my extrovert father + some of the "you'll regret not doing it" comments, and that last part seems so funny now. Like I should have known I'm not the type to regret stuff like that just because someone else would. I'm not going to regret not having a baby shower. I didn't regret not having a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. I didn't regret not going to prom (my friends were all not affiliated with my school by that point and it would have been strange if I had gone). But I do regret having a wedding. Like @antoto I was so drained and on high alert the whole time. I had to invite a bunch of people who I don't even like because of "obligation". I couldn't eat the week before because of the anticipation and my dress drooped and fell off of me all night. I couldn't even drink more than one glass of wine because I was so nervous about my guests clashing with each other. I'm glad other people had fun there, but I didn't.
DH and I went to the courthouse, paid $35 and got married with both sets of parents, our son and DH’s little sister. Then we went to Roosters for wings. I went to class after and DH went to work. Zero stress. It was great. Haha
so clearly I'm on the opposite side of the UO opinion in here.... but i would be devastated if nobody came to my shower. I don't need it to be beautiful, or Instagram worthy or full of gifts - but an effort to appear and spend some time w/ me celebrating this HUGE occasion in my life means alot to me.
I don't believe it is materialistic to feel this way. I have supported so many of my friends and colleagues during their big life moments because I was genuinely excited for them. my wedding shower was awesome but a loot of people who I really thought would make an effort to attend, did not at all. I was incredibly hurt. that's not to say I've ended friendships or started arguments about it... in fact, I said nothing, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt incredibly let down
@bb3vj3n To be clear I definitely wasn't saying the hurt/disappointed women themselves were being materialistic (though I suppose likely a certain amount of them are) I was talking about how the societal pressure itself is in part derived from materialism.
@bb3vj3n: FWIW, I don't begrudge anyone for wanting a big wedding, or shower, or any of the things you said. I absolutely feel abnormal because I don't. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel that way!
@bb3vj3n I think although it can become an annoying materialistic instagram thing for a lot of ppl doesn’t mean it’s like that for everyone. I have plenty of good friends who loved their weddings, etc. and it wasn’t all just “for show”. For me personally I just resent the expectation that I’m supposed to want that even if it’s not my thing. To each her own though, for sure!
I guess I’m the weirdo introvert who is/was ok with my semi-large (160 people) wedding and multiple showers. I mean I don’t *love* being the center of attention in that way but I make sure to really give myself extra alone time and space before and after. Also I have a huge, close-knit family (as does DH) so I think that makes you get used to it a little bit. But I’m also that weird version of an introvert where no one believes in actually one because I’m very sociable and comfortable talking to whoever. It’s just draining.
Honestly, I’m glad to see so many women here just wanting to support women being happy for their babies and wanting to celebrate/not celebrate that however they choose without the added pressure of having a huge elaborate party if they don’t actually *want* one.
However, I’m shocked to see that some of the same women with these wonderful, open minded viewpoints are also the same women who frequently shame those who choose to ask for a shower, or just host one themselves. Calling women who want a shower regardless of if they host it themselves “tacky” is incredibly destructive and actually ADDS to that stigma that we NEED someone to throw us a party and give us gifts and make a huge deal out of it. Someone could simply want to throw a shower without actually expecting any gifts, and just want to celebrate with people who are excited for them, and yet they get called tacky. By immediately calling that person tacky and gift grabby regardless of their motives, YOU'RE the one making it all about gifts. Not them.
Again, I’m so happy to see that so many women here are supportive of each other and are aware of this weird societal pressure we have. But since it’s also been brought up how we can start backtracking on that pressure, maybe start with not shaming women who just throw their own party because they want one and no one offered.
@ksmwalters I definitely think there is a range of introvertedness (is that a word?)--and I also think it really depends on the family dynamic. If you're an introvert but truly love all the people at your wedding and there isn't a ton of built-in awkwardness because of the guest list, I could see how that would be a lot different. Part of why I hated mine was because I had to invite my SM and all her friends and her family. So literally the person who I hated most in the world and her posse took over the wedding. I think if that hadn't been a factor for me I would have enjoyed it more despite my introverted qualities. But to have that plus other awkward dynamics plus the introvert thing all at once made it difficult for me.
@vflux33@ksmwalters we had a really big wedding and I loved it and really enjoyed myself, but thinking back on it, I would definitely choose a much smaller guest list, with just people who I truly wanted there (which awkwardly excludes the majority of both mine and my husband’s family). It’s pretty awkward to be opening a present and go “oh this one says it’s from Aunt ______!” And then look into a crowd of people not knowing who the F that person is.
@ShawnnaO Hmmmmm obviously you're talking about me here. When I talk about my feeling that it's inappropriate to throw yourself a shower I often add that showers shouldn't be such a big deal that if you don't have one it's the absolute end of the world - so I don't agree with your statement or assessment of me at all. I don't think showers necessarily = support at all, actually.
Example: I threw my good friend a shower with all the bells and whistles and spent a crapton of money. But the cupcake toppers and the table decorations didn't help her as a new mom. In fact I doubt very much that she even remembers what any of that stuff looked like now (I barely do and I planned the darn thing!). But you wanna know what I did that actually HELPED her as a new mom? I went and spent time with her when her husband was at work, I brought her Starbucks, I changed dirty diapers, and cleaned dirty dishes/counters/floors. That was support.
My whole point here is that showers (or weddings or birthday parties) don't mean you are loved. They don't mean you are supported. If you DON'T have one hosted for you it does not mean you are NOT loved or supported. They are just fancy parties that can be fun, but are not mandatory for a happy, loved, supported life. This is not, obviously, to shame parties like this on the whole. It can be a ton of fun! I just don't think people should feel that it is a mandatory requirement or something they are owed. And again, this is not exclusive to baby showers. I watch my students LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS every year with "promposals" and spending an insane amount on the perfect outfit and the perfect dinner and the perfect party bus. I am sure tons of them have fun. But also tons of them feel like shit when they can't have those things (even if maybe deep down they don't even want them), or aren't invited to a party bus. All this pressure to throw these parties is insane.
That was my whole point.
ETA and to address your statement that not all showers are about presents I would suggest that actually that is the exact intended purpose of a shower. It's called a shower because you shower the MTB with gifts. If you genuinely don't want gifts then throw a dinner party and don't call it a shower. Bam. Done. You've thrown yourself a party to celebrate the baby and haven't been inappropriate. I just don't think it's that complex.
@ksmwalters I totally get that level of introvertedness. DH and I are both like that. Our jobs require us to be talking the whole time and very social all the time but we are super not like that. We come home and are exhausted from what feels like putting on a show. I have been watching DS who is 9 and has a lot of the same traits. He is social and nice to everyone at school but when he gets home he needs alone quiet time.
On the shower subject, I was super hurt by the fact that only 6 people came to my shower even after I said not to worry about gifts, i just wanted to have fun with friends and family. But to be honest i didn't want the shower in the first place and was pushed by people who didn't even bother coming to do it in celebration of my child. My uo is all these ads pushing silly products that are unnecessary, like the pop up tent like breastfeeding cover you hook to the stroller! $85 for a big hassle, Seriously? It takes up space even when folded, but I guess if you like it and don't mind lugging it around......
@antoto I get your point. Your UO isn’t what I’m confused about, in fact I’ve agreed with everything you’ve said in this thread today.
Also yes, I was talking about you, but you’re not the only person on this board who has used destructive language to talk about women who throw their own party.
What I’m confused about, is why you think someone throwing a party for themselves is gift grabby and tacky, while you also say you think there’s too much pressure on receiving gifts and having a party in the first place?
For example, with my first I didn’t plan to have a party because I lived very far away from everyone. My best friend ended up throwing me a surprise party which I was so appreciative of. That party, to me, wasn’t about gifts or even feeling supported. Me and my husband support each other, we don’t need it from anyone else. That party was about enjoying myself and seeing other people enjoy themselves and celebrate my baby all in one room together. And eating really good cupcakes.
Had I lived in WI when I was pregnant, I probably would have opted to plan the party myself with the help of my mom and my best fiend. Not because I needed gifts or to feel “loved and supported.” But because I love a good party and I love hosting events and bringing people together to enjoy themselves. So to me, it’s hurtful to call someone tacky or gift grabby without actually knowing their reasoning for wanting to throw their own party.
yes, people feel WAY TOO MUCH pressure when it comes to these events like prom, a wedding, a baby shower. In the grand scheme of things none of it really matters. We agree on that. I just don’t see the logic in wanting women to know that baby showers really aren’t that big of a deal but at the same time shaming women who want a shower and just want to throw it themselves. You even said it yourself that you don’t think it’s materialistic for a woman to want a shower, so why does it make them tacky to want a shower and to go ahead and just throw one?
@ksmwalters@megpeg I am the exact same way. I am a social introvert. I hate large crowds, but I do love small groups. I need to see people, but I need my alone time. I also like to listen more than speak. I think after reading all this, my UO is that I honestly couldn't care less what the next person does (within reason). As long as what I am doing is within my moral compass, I really couldn't care what you do. I can even support you, and validate you, as long as it is a decent human action. I may not AGREE, or do it myself, but that's why you're you, and I'm me.
Eta ...you're not your. I swear I know the difference.
@ksmwalters@megpeg I am the exact same way. I am a social introvert. I hate large crowds, but I do love small groups. I need to see people, but I need my alone time. I also like to listen more than speak. I think after reading all this, my UO is that I honestly couldn't care less what the next person does (within reason). As long as what I am doing is within my moral compass, I really couldn't care what you do. I can even support you, and validate you, as long as it is a decent human action. I may not AGREE, or do it myself, but that's why your you and I'm me.
^this. I may not agree with something someone does, but I’m typically not going to shame them for doing it, unless it’s just an awful thing to do.
I think becoming an extroverted introvert is a lot more common these days! Maybe because of technology, but I find a lot of the people I interact with enjoy socializing in small, or sometimes even big, groups, but then they need time by themselves. Maybe because we spend a lot of time socializing online where we can back away anytime we want, and then in the “real” world we can’t just choose to not reply to someone if we’re done with the conversation/not sure of the right answer.
@ShawnnaO just to clarify, but you are not speaking of me shaming anyone, right? I haven’t participated in any of those shower threads and I definitely haven’t shamed anyone. My question was legitimate and one that I really would like insight for. IRL my only response is to pick up the pieces and throw a party or organize it.
@DDRRT1982 no I’m not talking about your comment at all; I didn’t find anything in it to be shaming women. For the most part this thread hasn’t been about that at all, which is why I said I love that we all seem to have very supportive opinions on the subject. And like you said, I’ve never seen you in any of the baby shower threads (which is where my own comment stems from.) I’m just terrible at remembering screen names on here which is why I opted not to specifically name people. I just generally think we all need to support women. Too much shaming in the world over silly things.
ETA also, agreed that if I were in a position in real life where someone I was close to came to me upset that they weren’t having a shower, I would probably just throw them one. Unless it’s someone who I’m really not close to, then I would probably reiterate to them that it’s just a party they’ll get all the support they need in other aspects of their/their baby’s life. Or tell them to throw their own party if they’re comfortable with that and are confident people would show up and it wouldn’t just make them feel worse.
@ShawnnaO Wow it seems that you've felt really personally attacked by my broad personal opinions on this topic (I am saying this sincerely and not in a dumb way btw).
I don't know you. You don't need to defend yourself. Apparently you've been upset about this opinion of mine for several weeks/months since whenever that last discussion was. I'm not judging you specifically as a human being - again, I do not know you.
I am actually surprised that you don't understand my reasoning here. My reasoning is that because I believe showers are 99% superficial fun and should not be mandatory people should not be so frenzied into feeling like they absolutely need to have one to the point of breaking etiquette. I care about etiquette. I care about manners and not being rude. This is just a big part of my personality. So in that line, I don't personally believe in throwing yourself a gift giving party. I know people keep saying they don't care about the presents and I'm not saying I don't believe you. But the main objective of a shower is presents. As I mentioned above, it is called a shower because you shower the MTB with presents. Again, as mentioned above, if you were not offered a shower but still felt like you wanted to celebrate with friends it would 10000% be acceptable to host a celebratory dinner and invite your friends to come eat food and have a good time. Of course you wouldn't call it a shower, and you wouldn't advertise a registry (although I think advertising registries on a formal shower invite is a little rude as well), but you would still be celebrating the baby with friends, family, eating whatever food you want (heck, get those cupcakes), but you wouldn't be being rude.
I said I don't think wanting a shower necessarily makes a woman materialistic because it's MORE likely that she's just feeling societal pressure to have one (also obviously for the funsies). That doesn't make you materialistic. It makes you aware of societal trends.
@antoto i just admit you've also offended me in the past with your comments about showers.
even if someone is hoping for gifts to help out with baby as a result of their shower, I font think there is anything wrong with that.
as you mentioned, none of us actually know each other and I hold no ill will against you personally as I feel you Have been overall a very active and supportive member of these boards. But as @ShawnnaO had mentioned, anytime the baby shower comes up on a thread - you mention how tacky it is to do one of your own or to mention gifts. I think her point is, you each her own, and every time someone makes a comment ( not just you) about how inappropriate it is, it does shame that person.
that said, I do agree with what you have said today about a shower vs support and love - and I totally agree... but i think everyone needs to lay off the judgement of others in regard to this particular subject as every time it comes up... it appears that tensions are also developing.
@antoto I was definitely hurt by some of your comments, not necessarily because I felt personally attacked by them but more so because it was just such a new concept to me that people would have thought things about me that aren’t true had I chosen to throw my own party.
Im still glad I brought this up and commented my thoughts because it does help me to understand your viewpoints a bit better. You put a lot more emphasis on the etiquette of things than I do and from that viewpoint, while I still don’t agree with some of the words you use because I feel they’re destructive, I do see why you think this way and I can understand it. And understanding it makes it less hurtful to me.
I dont think you’re a cruel person, nor do I think that about any of the women who share your opinion, and I’m glad I understand at least YOUR viewpoint a little better.
Now, my UO. Those light up candy canes are UGLY and belong in the garbage, not lining your driveway. Also there is such a thing as too many blow up Christmas decorations in your yard. *squints at neighbors*
@bb3vj3n I am definitely not about attacking anyone on a personal level. If someone AWed pictures of a shower they hosted for themselves or passively mentioned that they were doing that I would keep my mouth shut. I only offer my opinion if the specific subject of it being appropriate has already been brought up or if someone specifically asks about it. And when I say it's inappropriate I'm saying that because established etiquette says so, not because I just randomly want to be an asshole to a a woman to ruin her day. To me it's genuinely like sharing any other insight or fact.
@bb3vj3n@ShawnnaO I'm glad you ladies brought this up. I'm sorry that you've been carrying these hurt feelings with you about this topic. I hope after today it doesn't feel quite so harsh or personal.
@ShawnnaO ...those blow up decorations are my nemesis right now. My neighbour has one, and it plays music. Constantly. All is well...until he forgets to shut it off ALL. NIGHT. LONG! There is only so much elevator Christmas tunes I can handle at 2am.
@ShawnnaO ...those blow up decorations are my nemesis right now. My neighbour has one, and it plays music. Constantly. All is well...until he forgets to shut it off ALL. NIGHT. LONG! There is only so much elevator Christmas tunes I can handle at 2am.
That's worth a 2am doorbell ring with a flaming bag of dog poop.
I agree with the whole idea of "material things don't show your affection" but unfortunately not everyone in my family feels that way - my in-laws. My in-laws are not very physically affectionate people (in fact I think the only time I've ever hugged my FIL was during our dance at my wedding!) but they try to show their affection by buying a lot of gifts. It was actually embarrassing at my baby shower for DD how many gifts were from my MIL. My grandparents and parents gave us their gifts after the shower was over because to them it wasn't important for everyone to look at what they bought.
Now I love a party and have a lot of fun throwing birthday parties for my kids but I am SO glad I kept my wedding small! DH and I invited 50 people total, our wedding party consisted of a best man and maid of honor and it was wonderful. It wasn't super stressful, I was able to really enjoy myself on the day of the wedding, it was intimate so we actually got to spend time with everyone there and I didn't have to worry about offending my second cousin twice removed by not inviting them because I was able to say it was for immediate family only.
I agree with @antoto that there is too much of an emphasis on gifts=support/love. It was never that way growing up and DH and I are raising our kids that way. I think this frustrates my in-laws because that's how they show affection but they're slowly learning (DD is almost 6 so it's taken a while) that the kids don't care about the number of gifts they bring, they just want to spend time with them.
Now while I did say that I love throwing parties for my kids (and they are of course themed parties haha) I don't do it for the social media aspect of it like so many people do. I may post a few pictures on social media so that family that couldn't make it can see it, I really do it for my kids and don't give a sh*t what anyone else thinks as long as they have a good time.
Weirdly enough, as I was typing this DH called me at work and we started talking about how his parents give gifts to show affection and how that's not the way it should be and he's the one who brought it up! His mom called him to ask him what he wanted for his birthday which is in a few weeks and he told her to save her money (she just got laid off) and just come visit us to share cake. Weird coincidence!
@bb3vj3n@ShawnnaO I'm glad you ladies brought this up. I'm sorry that you've been carrying these hurt feelings with you about this topic. I hope after today it doesn't feel quite so harsh or personal.
I get it.... and although I'm not throwing my own shower, I just hate women knock other women down. not to imply this is what you are trying to do at all though... it's just how it comes off. also - as far as I'm concerned "etiquette" is not fact based.... it's tradition based and heavily dictated by personal opinion so it's difficult for me to see it quoted as a truth.
anyways ... I'm also glad this all came up. no hard feelings on my end.
I looooove white lights on all the things. I mix in some multi-color strands because The Toddler loves them, but if he didn’t care then I wouldn’t bother.
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Re: UO Thursday
Scary Mommy posted an article on FB about a woman feeling hurt that no one threw her a shower because it felt to her like no one cared about her or the baby. In the comments section there were SOOOO many women saying they felt like they had to throw their own shower because no one offered to and they ended up getting very hurt feelings.
This is all upside down. We need to stop placing so much emphasis on this sort of thing. Getting presents/balloons/cake/whatever doesn't make you a loved person. To be clear - I don't think the individual women are being bad for feeling this way. I think our society is bad for overly romanticizing this sort of thing. Extravagant parties like the weddings and showers we see these days is really a NEW thing. It's not even normal. It makes me feel so frustrated that this consumer driven, materialistic, social media ego tripping part of our culture is making pregnant women feel so shitty about themselves.
EDD March 12, 2018
edit typo
Well now I regret it because this week my SIL said she wanted to throw me one, and it has me suuuuper stressed because that means a weekend of 16 hours in a car in my third trimester. I'd so much rather be home getting the nursery ready or just hanging out with MH, and I hate being the center of attention anyway. Why was I sad again that they hadn't offered a couple weeks ago? haha
I don't believe it is materialistic to feel this way. I have supported so many of my friends and colleagues during their big life moments because I was genuinely excited for them. my wedding shower was awesome but a loot of people who I really thought would make an effort to attend, did not at all. I was incredibly hurt. that's not to say I've ended friendships or started arguments about it... in fact, I said nothing, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt incredibly let down
EDD March 12, 2018
Honestly, I’m glad to see so many women here just wanting to support women being happy for their babies and wanting to celebrate/not celebrate that however they choose without the added pressure of having a huge elaborate party if they don’t actually *want* one.
However, I’m shocked to see that some of the same women with these wonderful, open minded viewpoints are also the same women who frequently shame those who choose to ask for a shower, or just host one themselves. Calling women who want a shower regardless of if they host it themselves “tacky” is incredibly destructive and actually ADDS to that stigma that we NEED someone to throw us a party and give us gifts and make a huge deal out of it. Someone could simply want to throw a shower without actually expecting any gifts, and just want to celebrate with people who are excited for them, and yet they get called tacky. By immediately calling that person tacky and gift grabby regardless of their motives, YOU'RE the one making it all about gifts. Not them.
Again, I’m so happy to see that so many women here are supportive of each other and are aware of this weird societal pressure we have. But since it’s also been brought up how we can start backtracking on that pressure, maybe start with not shaming women who just throw their own party because they want one and no one offered.
Example: I threw my good friend a shower with all the bells and whistles and spent a crapton of money. But the cupcake toppers and the table decorations didn't help her as a new mom. In fact I doubt very much that she even remembers what any of that stuff looked like now (I barely do and I planned the darn thing!). But you wanna know what I did that actually HELPED her as a new mom? I went and spent time with her when her husband was at work, I brought her Starbucks, I changed dirty diapers, and cleaned dirty dishes/counters/floors. That was support.
My whole point here is that showers (or weddings or birthday parties) don't mean you are loved. They don't mean you are supported. If you DON'T have one hosted for you it does not mean you are NOT loved or supported. They are just fancy parties that can be fun, but are not mandatory for a happy, loved, supported life. This is not, obviously, to shame parties like this on the whole. It can be a ton of fun! I just don't think people should feel that it is a mandatory requirement or something they are owed. And again, this is not exclusive to baby showers. I watch my students LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS every year with "promposals" and spending an insane amount on the perfect outfit and the perfect dinner and the perfect party bus. I am sure tons of them have fun. But also tons of them feel like shit when they can't have those things (even if maybe deep down they don't even want them), or aren't invited to a party bus. All this pressure to throw these parties is insane.
That was my whole point.
ETA and to address your statement that not all showers are about presents I would suggest that actually that is the exact intended purpose of a shower. It's called a shower because you shower the MTB with gifts. If you genuinely don't want gifts then throw a dinner party and don't call it a shower. Bam. Done. You've thrown yourself a party to celebrate the baby and haven't been inappropriate. I just don't think it's that complex.
My uo is all these ads pushing silly products that are unnecessary, like the pop up tent like breastfeeding cover you hook to the stroller! $85 for a big hassle, Seriously? It takes up space even when folded, but I guess if you like it and don't mind lugging it around......
Also yes, I was talking about you, but you’re not the only person on this board who has used destructive language to talk about women who throw their own party.
What I’m confused about, is why you think someone throwing a party for themselves is gift grabby and tacky, while you also say you think there’s too much pressure on receiving gifts and having a party in the first place?
For example, with my first I didn’t plan to have a party because I lived very far away from everyone. My best friend ended up throwing me a surprise party which I was so appreciative of. That party, to me, wasn’t about gifts or even feeling supported. Me and my husband support each other, we don’t need it from anyone else. That party was about enjoying myself and seeing other people enjoy themselves and celebrate my baby all in one room together. And eating really good cupcakes.
Had I lived in WI when I was pregnant, I probably would have opted to plan the party myself with the help of my mom and my best fiend. Not because I needed gifts or to feel “loved and supported.” But because I love a good party and I love hosting events and bringing people together to enjoy themselves. So to me, it’s hurtful to call someone tacky or gift grabby without actually knowing their reasoning for wanting to throw their own party.
yes, people feel WAY TOO MUCH pressure when it comes to these events like prom, a wedding, a baby shower. In the grand scheme of things none of it really matters. We agree on that. I just don’t see the logic in wanting women to know that baby showers really aren’t that big of a deal but at the same time shaming women who want a shower and just want to throw it themselves. You even said it yourself that you don’t think it’s materialistic for a woman to want a shower, so why does it make them tacky to want a shower and to go ahead and just throw one?
I think after reading all this, my UO is that I honestly couldn't care less what the next person does (within reason). As long as what I am doing is within my moral compass, I really couldn't care what you do. I can even support you, and validate you, as long as it is a decent human action. I may not AGREE, or do it myself, but that's why you're you, and I'm me.
Eta ...you're not your. I swear I know the difference.
ETA also, agreed that if I were in a position in real life where someone I was close to came to me upset that they weren’t having a shower, I would probably just throw them one. Unless it’s someone who I’m really not close to, then I would probably reiterate to them that it’s just a party they’ll get all the support they need in other aspects of their/their baby’s life. Or tell them to throw their own party if they’re comfortable with that and are confident people would show up and it wouldn’t just make them feel worse.
I don't know you. You don't need to defend yourself. Apparently you've been upset about this opinion of mine for several weeks/months since whenever that last discussion was. I'm not judging you specifically as a human being - again, I do not know you.
I am actually surprised that you don't understand my reasoning here. My reasoning is that because I believe showers are 99% superficial fun and should not be mandatory people should not be so frenzied into feeling like they absolutely need to have one to the point of breaking etiquette. I care about etiquette. I care about manners and not being rude. This is just a big part of my personality. So in that line, I don't personally believe in throwing yourself a gift giving party. I know people keep saying they don't care about the presents and I'm not saying I don't believe you. But the main objective of a shower is presents. As I mentioned above, it is called a shower because you shower the MTB with presents. Again, as mentioned above, if you were not offered a shower but still felt like you wanted to celebrate with friends it would 10000% be acceptable to host a celebratory dinner and invite your friends to come eat food and have a good time. Of course you wouldn't call it a shower, and you wouldn't advertise a registry (although I think advertising registries on a formal shower invite is a little rude as well), but you would still be celebrating the baby with friends, family, eating whatever food you want (heck, get those cupcakes), but you wouldn't be being rude.
I said I don't think wanting a shower necessarily makes a woman materialistic because it's MORE likely that she's just feeling societal pressure to have one (also obviously for the funsies). That doesn't make you materialistic. It makes you aware of societal trends.
even if someone is hoping for gifts to help out with baby as a result of their shower, I font think there is anything wrong with that.
as you mentioned, none of us actually know each other and I hold no ill will against you personally as I feel you Have been overall a very active and supportive member of these boards. But as @ShawnnaO had mentioned, anytime the baby shower comes up on a thread - you mention how tacky it is to do one of your own or to mention gifts. I think her point is, you each her own, and every time someone makes a comment ( not just you) about how inappropriate it is, it does shame that person.
that said, I do agree with what you have said today about a shower vs support and love - and I totally agree... but i think everyone needs to lay off the judgement of others in regard to this particular subject as every time it comes up... it appears that tensions are also developing.
Im still glad I brought this up and commented my thoughts because it does help me to understand your viewpoints a bit better. You put a lot more emphasis on the etiquette of things than I do and from that viewpoint, while I still don’t agree with some of the words you use because I feel they’re destructive, I do see why you think this way and I can understand it. And understanding it makes it less hurtful to me.
I dont think you’re a cruel person, nor do I think that about any of the women who share your opinion, and I’m glad I understand at least YOUR viewpoint a little better.
In the line of Xmas decor:
White lights > Color lights
I agree with the whole idea of "material things don't show your affection" but unfortunately not everyone in my family feels that way - my in-laws. My in-laws are not very physically affectionate people (in fact I think the only time I've ever hugged my FIL was during our dance at my wedding!) but they try to show their affection by buying a lot of gifts. It was actually embarrassing at my baby shower for DD how many gifts were from my MIL. My grandparents and parents gave us their gifts after the shower was over because to them it wasn't important for everyone to look at what they bought.
Now I love a party and have a lot of fun throwing birthday parties for my kids but I am SO glad I kept my wedding small! DH and I invited 50 people total, our wedding party consisted of a best man and maid of honor and it was wonderful. It wasn't super stressful, I was able to really enjoy myself on the day of the wedding, it was intimate so we actually got to spend time with everyone there and I didn't have to worry about offending my second cousin twice removed by not inviting them because I was able to say it was for immediate family only.
I agree with @antoto that there is too much of an emphasis on gifts=support/love. It was never that way growing up and DH and I are raising our kids that way. I think this frustrates my in-laws because that's how they show affection but they're slowly learning (DD is almost 6 so it's taken a while) that the kids don't care about the number of gifts they bring, they just want to spend time with them.
Now while I did say that I love throwing parties for my kids (and they are of course themed parties haha) I don't do it for the social media aspect of it like so many people do. I may post a few pictures on social media so that family that couldn't make it can see it, I really do it for my kids and don't give a sh*t what anyone else thinks as long as they have a good time.
Weirdly enough, as I was typing this DH called me at work and we started talking about how his parents give gifts to show affection and how that's not the way it should be and he's the one who brought it up! His mom called him to ask him what he wanted for his birthday which is in a few weeks and he told her to save her money (she just got laid off) and just come visit us to share cake. Weird coincidence!
anyways ... I'm also glad this all came up. no hard feelings on my end.