Off Topic: Splitting holidays

3plus1equals4 · November 2017

So after the headache that was our Thanksgiving family dynamics, I am ready to overhaul our holiday travels and would love to know what you all do. (Especially if you have divorced parents that all want to see you/grandkids.)

My and DH's parents are both divorced (not amicably) with 3/4 living within an hour of us... so those are the 3 we juggle every holiday. The schedule is a pain with 3 (soon to be 4 kids) and I end up not looking forward to the holiday. Also, DH's work is only closed the day of the holiday, so we don't have extended days to split things over.

What do you all do? Does it work or is it still a headache? If you put your foot down and stay home/ host, does everyone come?

sabriel1 · November 2017

We stay home and do holidays as a family. We don't host. Our family is all within 3 hours of us so we mostly make day trips. DH also doesn't get much time off work so we usually schedule a Sunday before the holiday to go up and visit his parents. We'll choose another Sunday in the month to visit my grandparents. A day trip 3 hours each way is less than optimal but it is worth it to spend the actual holiday relaxing as a family and making our own traditions

TattoosandLace · November 2017

We live within forty-five minutes of his immediate family (minus his brother). Every holiday is spent with them. My family is 10 hours away. Last year we went home for Thanksgiving. Drove on Wednesday, One side of my family on Thursday, one side on Friday, drove home Saturday. It was so much driving and rushing. Next year, we’ll have DH take the M/T before Thanksgiving off and we’ll go for a week.

Starynightsky24 · November 2017

DH’s parents are divorced. We usually host something and my MIL will not come of its only FIL and his side of the family. She’ll come if my side is there though. I refuse to drive to 4 different places though (FIL, MIL, my parents, and DH’s grandparents- all within 20mins of us). The way I see it is if she really wants to see us, she will invite us to something (which she rarely does).

Last year we did Christmas Eve with MIL. Then FIL and my sister joined us Christmas morning, and then we went my my parents for lunch. That was a good year. Here’s hoping we can work out something like that again.

gingermama29 · November 2017

We see one family on Thanksgiving and the other on Christmas and rotate each year. So this year was DH's family for Thanksgiving and will be mine for Christmas. We'll switch that next year. We also live between both families, an hour away in either direction so it's not too difficult to travel and see them.

babymakes9 · November 2017

Not something i have to deal with as an adult anymore, since the in laws are married and my mom flies across country to stay with us (my daddy is deceased), but as a kid and with my ex's family i hated the holiday rotation /drive about shuffle. Imo you should do your holiday at home and give every one a time slot to come visit, with the least amicable people either early in the day to leave, or last after everyone else goes home.

Maybe with a meal those who can deal with each other to share mid day? Like if your mom and mil get along they could share a late brunch and if your father and fil get along they could come over in the evening.

If no one gets along, then offer a time slot of an hour for each with an hour or so inbetween. Like 10-11, 12-1, 3-4, 5-6.

You don't want to make the holidays miserable for you or the kids so if its to much they can either learn to deal or take a pass on spending the day y with you.

soulcupcake · November 2017

We observe Yule, which is Dec 21st, and visit the in-laws on X-mas Eve and Day, though they're only 45 minutes away. They're vacationing in SoCal this year with SIL and BIL, so we're staying home. My mom is flying in a few days after X-mas for a few days. She and the rest of my close relatives live 8.5 hours away. We don't make it a point to visit unless it's something planned way in advance.

diesel11111 · November 2017

We won’t split days anymore because it became too much. We kind of rotate Thanksgiving - this year my aunt invited my in laws which was nice... Xmas eve at my in laws, Christmas is rotated between mine and my sisters house, and Easter is one of those up in the air holidays. When my kids and their cousins get a little older I will want to host that and do an egg hunt but they are all still too young. My mom lives in FL and usually comes up to NY but next year we said we will fly down the day after Christmas to spend a couple days there.

GoogleMD · November 2017

I think once you have kids driving to everyone’s house just becomes too much
my entire family does thanksgiving at my parents on thanksgiving. We do not go to my in laws house due to the smoke and cleanliness concerns among other reasons. We offered to do something with them that Friday or Saturday but they generally refuse.

For Christmas we decided we would not go anywhere the day of or Christmas Eve. My extended family does something the weekend before and we alternate houses every year. Anyone is welcome to stop by our house Christmas.

winnie1122 · November 2017

Ugh I wish we had a good system but we don’t. My parents are used to hosting and now that they’re split they both still intend to host their own get togethers but that means we have to go to at least three events so we can also see DHs family. His parents are super chill and are even fine with combining with my mom, but he has extended family that get together an hour away and he likes to go see them for either TG or Christmas each year since otherwise we never see them. DH wants to just have one event per holiday, which would be great but I see zero way to accomplish that when my parents aren’t on good terms and they all live within 10-15 minutes of us so it’s not like we have a distance excuse. I used to love holidays and now they are just frustrating. If I just told them we couldn’t come they would try to schedule it so we could make it, they never juggled inlaws or multiple events because they always hosted holidays and my mom’s family lives across the country and aren’t close. So they don’t understand what the big deal is and that we just don’t want to do so much.

3plus1equals4 · November 2017

Thanks everyone! We still have some work to do on figuring out next year, but I went to DH and we figured out Christmas & decided we are not traveling for Easter.

We are going to do Christmas Eve here with my dad, Christmas morning as our own family unit, and go down to MIL for Christmas lunch. We will celebrate a few days late with my mom. That way we don't have more than one house we are traveling to per day and the kids get a relaxed morning.

hms1219 · November 2017

gingermama26 said:

We see one family on Thanksgiving and the other on Christmas and rotate each year. So this year was DH's family for Thanksgiving and will be mine for Christmas. We'll switch that next year. We also live between both families, an hour away in either direction so it's not too difficult to travel and see them.

This is what we do. We live in the same area as my family but 2 hours from his. We drove out to his family for Thanksgiving and this year we are hosting Christmas. We are not traveling so if family can’t make it to us, we will see them later.

DH’s parents are divorced so FIL may or may not come since MIL will be here but since he never offers to host at his house or offers any alternative ideas we don’t worry too much about it.

mblomq2 · November 2017

We do typically do xmas eve with my father’s side, xmas morning with my mom, xmas afternoon night with my husband’s family. Everyone is about one hour hour from each other. It’s a lot of driving in a couple days but I’m grateful we get to spend time with everyone. This year we are doing my mom’s on the 23rd because it’s a Saturday, looking forward to that!

katefb17 · November 2017

My parents have been divorced since I was six, and holidays used to involve a lot of travel from family to family. Now, after almost 30 years of tension, my parents (and their respective spouses) suddenly get along and even vacation together. It's very, very weird to me.

However, my mom and DH's mom hate each other, following an incident at our wedding where DH's mom made my mom cry in front of all our guests. DH's mom previously "claimed" Xmas as "her" celebration, so we'd go to my family's house closer to New Year's. This year we put our collective foot down and said we're not travelling. We live 3 hours from DH's mom, and 6 from my family, and everyone is driving to our house. We did the same thing for T-giving last year (this year we were cajoled into travelling 20 hours round trip to see extended family... from here on out we're hosting).

When seeing their only grandchild (soon to be their only two grandchildren) was at stake, it was amazing how quickly everyone decided they'd tolerate each other for a day! DH's mom will likely come up with an excuse to leave early, since she lives closest and seems to lose patience first.

That said, DH's mom and dad are divorced and don't get along... so DH's dad chooses not to come at all. DH feels guilty for not doing more to accommodate him.

kbrinks2 · November 2017

We fly home to our parents for Christmas! We both have 2 weeks off from our jobs so we have more time to visit.
We usually do Christmas Eve mass and then head to my uncles on my moms side for cards and late night snacks. We stay at my parents so we do Christmas morning with them and my siblings come over around 10 and we do brunch (my siblings all live within 10 minutes of my parents and I only wish I did!)
Then we do Christmas dinner at DHs step dads (his mom passed almost 9 years ago and we make a point to get there since he was/is an amazing dad and Poppa).
Boxing Day we do with my moms side again. Dinner and cards and usually 40-50 people there which is awesome!
Then we pick a date that works for my Us and our BILs family to go up and visit DHs dad 3 hours away. Lots of travelling but I wouldn't have it any other way!

libbodee · November 2017

I dread the holidays and our parents aren't divorced! I juggle my 1 family Xmas and 3 xmases on my DH side bc his extended family gets together every year. Tried to put my foot down but it is a big deal if they don't see us on Xmas Eve or day( like gparents/parents crying yelling at us). Makes for a minimum of 2hrs driving each day. One year I went on vacation by myself. This year I might opt out and stay home. You all inspire me with your maturity and grace.

amb929 · November 2017

What we do 'works' but it is a bit of a headache, especially since having a child. For Christmas Eve, we go to my Nonna's house in the Boston area. It's like 35+ Italians in a super small space. She's 88 years old and on dialysis so she used to do all the cooking but in more recent years, everyone brings something and/or my uncle's order food from a local Italian restaurant. There is a big lack of communication on my Dad's side so it's usually kind of a happy disaster/clusterfuck kind of thing. I figure we'll probably stop doing this Christmas Eve thing when my Nonna passes away. We've gone out there for years cause it might be 'her last Christmas' so who knows with modern medicine how many more Christmas Eve's we have left.

Christmas is my sister's birthday (this year is her 30th so even more of a 'big deal' then she typically makes it) so we always do Christmas with my family. One year, for simplicity sake, we hosted. My mom bitched that she always has to do Christmas so we offered and then she/other relatives bitched about having to drive to RI so we were "offended" (I was actually a little offended for real) and Christmas is back at mom's until she whines some more at which time...I'm just staying home and not participating at all.

Since my son was born, we unfortunately have begun stopping by my FIL's house before heading to Christmas dinner at my moms. I HATE this new tradition with all my heart and soul. I told my husband if my FIL's dogs jump on me like last year... I'm waiting in the car. My FIL and his wife apparently know I hate them so they do nothing to be accommodating about their poorly behaved pets and they have about zero interest in spending time with my son unless we visit their death trap of a home. My FIL has actually 'met' his grandson a total of four times since he was born in June 2015 so at least we see them infrequently. My husband's extended family also does a family Christmas party sometime in mid-late December. It's turned into a giant pain in the ass over the years. The first few times I went to this, it was just show up. Now it's turned into sign up to bring a dish, bring a secret Santa present, BYOB including non-alcoholic drinks AND your own ice...so here's hoping we can avoid the party this year. The invite goes out on Facebook and my husband deleted Facebook so unless they remember to invite me... we won't be invited. If they DO invite me via Facebook, I might just pretend I never saw it. Luckily, we won't be seeing my MIL and future husband number 5 for Christmas. They intend to come visit when the new baby arrives but we do ship gifts back and forth. Of all the relatives, when it comes to Christmas, she's my favorite...cause we don't see her.

gooberdoofus95 · November 2017

Our kids are 11, 3, 1, plus the new baby on the way. We used to travel and it was such a headache because family was hours away on both sides. This went for both holidays thanksgiving and Christmas. We would have to get hotel rooms the chase the kids around a non kid friendly house and the kids were just miserable because their whole schedules were messed up which in turn made my husband and I miserable. That is not a feeling we wanted to continue to feel every year. I will also add that our family is the ONLY one with small children like the next youngest cousins are 15&17yo. So we decided not to host or travel for the holidays this year. This is our time to start our own family traditions and enjoy each others company! In turn though we set time up to visit our families throughout the year so we saw my family in May in FL and his family in Oct in TN. This was the greatest thing ever because there was no rush or holiday traffic plus we saw our families and still had money for Christmas. This thanksgiving was the best one we’ve ever had because we usually host. We only cooked for ourselves and there was no catering to anyone!!! It was such a relief!! We also told local family/friends they were more than welcome to stop by but do so after 3pm and before 6 (Black Friday shopping) and nobody had an issue. We will continue to do it this way.

karcerplus3 · November 2017

We made our own traditions and we told our parents that. If they want to be a part of them then can come join us but being that we have kids and they don’t, they can do the driving. MIL will be driving 5hrs to see us and the kids and my parents, who are in town, will host Christmas dinner for family and friends who are in town. They don’t expect us to come, it’s just something they do. It makes life so much easier for us.

momto4-2 · November 2017

Both mine and DH’s parents are divorced too. We decided when our oldest two were small that we wouldn’t leave the house until early afternoon on Christmas Day. Holidays used to be so chaotic for us! We had to draw a line somewhere and it works for everyone. We usually only do one visit on Christmas Day for lunch/dinner. We visit two parents on Christmas Eve. The final parent either the weekend before or after Christmas. We try to rotate but it’s usually the in laws that we see on Eve and then my side is really flexible.

clc515 · November 2017

My parents were divorced for ages, so when I added DH's family to the mix it involved even more travel. Luckily everyone's local, so Christmas Eve was church with his fam and then a big my mom's side get together an hour away for dinner. Christmas was lunch with my dad and then coffee or hang out with both my inlaws AGAIN. Since my dad passed and that big get together was cancelled this year, looks like we are hosting to make it easy so we don't have to travel. I'm personally not against taking a vacation to avoid this stuff lol.

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