This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.**
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Status:
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself?
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 losses, unexplained RPL Status: WFAF
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? It hasn't been a bad week overall. I feel excited about the holidays but it also is bringing up a lot of feelings about being childless. Plus every now and then when I see a pregnancy announcement, or a pregnant person and think about the calendar, and think "I should be having a baby in January, but I'm not." Anyway, just kind of waiting at this point for our follow-up with the RE in a couple weeks were we will talk about our options, still leaning towards doing one more on our own and then moving to IVF with PGS.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? My bw on Monday showed my hCG has resolved, my prolactin is normal, and my homocysteine is also normal.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? A couple weeks ago I went to a spa and got a hot rock massage, admittedly some nice ladies in my office had given me a gift card.
@zamora_spin It looks like we are struggling with the same thing this week. I hope you can make a solid plan with your RE in a couple of weeks, which will give you something to focus on.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. TFAS, 3 early losses in the last 8 months.
Status: Benched WFAF
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things were going better last week. Rant: Lately I've been struggling with seeing pregnant women and/or new babies. It never used to bother me, but as I approach the EDD of my first loss (January 24th), it's getting very hard to act excited for them. I find that I'm unfollowing a lot of people on instagram/facebook. Rave: I reached out to a couple of friends and we are going for drinks tonight, but one of them is struggling to get pregnant and she doesn't know about my losses. I would like to tell her, but at the same time I don't want to hurt her.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? WFAF in order to schedule my HSG test and then a follow-up with my OB a week after that to go over all the results.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? Most of the things I do for myself involve retail therapy. So the last thing I bought for myself was a new fruit bowl which was made by a local artist.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 2/12 and Molar missed miscarriage 8/17 Status:. Benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I am doing pretty well lately. I am emotionally excepting that we have to wait. Although, I will be seeing my OBgyn tomorrow and do plan to hit if I have to wait so long. Lol. Seeing babies and pregnant women really bother me though. I cried watching the walking dead when Maggie was holding the baby and it made a noise. Other than that, DH had a major freak out, that I am simply trying to ignore, he was all freaked out about what if I die next time. I reminded him I was never really in danger. TW, I think it mostly stemmed from our kids have a rough day yesterday and he was stressed. End TW Any testing coming up/any recent results? HCG tomorrow, it was under 1 on Friday. I have weekly tests for the next month, then get moved to monthly tests. GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? I feel like I am terrible at doing stuff for myself and have no ability to relax, so I made this GTKY for inspiration. I did go shopping for clothes when I go off work today though. @zamora_spin, it is hard to stop thinking about when you are due. I keep trying to stop myself from looking up how far along I should be, or thinking that we would have a baby now if we got pregnant when we tried. If you do end up going with IVF, do you have a time frame already?
@ChloandCoco, I have unfollowed almost every pregnant or small child person on Facebook. I can't stand to see it. It depends the friend, but maybe if you tell her, she will feel less alone? I know your situations are different but it may help you both to have that as a sounding board together.
@holly321 I really hope your OB is able to give you a final time frame on when you can start ttc again. AFM, I'm hope she takes it that way, and she's a smart and understanding person, but you just never know how a person will actually react.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. EP 11/20 Status:benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are getting better, now that I've got an appointment coming up soon it's keeping my mind focused on that and not that I'm benched. We'll see how things are after Thursday. My struggle I'll put in a spoiler. It's not a tmi or anything (just sad) but I don't really want to see it when I open the thread but it's how I'm feeling.
If I'm really honest I just really really miss being pregnant. I miss day dreaming about if they were going to be a boy or girl, and what they would look like. I miss looking at baby items, pinning nursery ideas and adding items to a registry. I miss being so unbelievably happy. I miss participating in a BMB, I miss taking weekly pictures of my nonexistent bump. I miss checking Ovia to see how big LO was and what piece of fruit it was the size of. I hate that I have to try again. Why couldn't that one just work? I wouldn't wish this awfulness on anyone. You just don't fully understand the magnitude of awful until you go through it.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I just had blood work done Monday, my HCG was in the low 200s, I don't remember the exact number she said, but it was around 210. She said pre surgery I was over 19,000. I'm really hoping that number goes down before my follow up on Thursday. I know they are going to retest me then. My FX that number keeps going down. When we first started ttc I never thought I'd ever be wishing for that number to go down. But here I am...
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? I honestly have no idea, not in a bad way but all the great things I've been doing have involved DH. I'm supposed to be going out of town to go watch our Seahawks but I told DH I wanted to stay home. I just really don't want to be in the car or do all that walking. So I'm taking some me time.
@galactickates, that's a great HCG drop, I think it is normal for it to take 2 weeks to leave your system. I am sorry for how you are feeling. It simply sucks.
@ChloandCoco - those things are tough, I used to think I knew how people would react to certain information, but I'm finding now I have no idea. I would think she would find comfort in having someone to talk to but idk. I understand the hesitation though
@holly321 - I really had no idea how long is supposed to take so thank you for that insight. When I've talked to other people it made it sound like they had surgery and then had to go back and get the shot 1 week later. I just don't want to do that. We'll see how tomorrow goes and go from there. I'm going to try not to stress about it until I have more info.
@galactickates, is the shot methotrexate? Is that why you are two different bench times?
While the extra benching would be awful, MTX is not all that bad. If you do need it and have questions, let me know, I have been getting it for 2 months
@galactickates I'm so sorry you are having a really hard time and it's completely normal to feel that way. As for wanting your HCG levels to drop, it's a bittersweet feeling.
@holly321 - I actually don't know, I'm only assuming that's why my Dr told me the two different time frames. I guess I'm just assuming at this point based on other people's EP experiences. Yes I'm talking about the MTX. But again just assuming by putting puzzle pieces together from the Internet (of course) I'm the biggest control freak so of course being out of work I've done nothing but research: how and why this could have happened, how long until you can TTC after laparoscopic, why doctors say 6-8 weeks, MTX shots, how can you conceive with one tube, so on and so forth. I've spent days looking into all of it.
Luckily for me I go back to my office Monday, so I'll have less time to obsess.
Edit- to add this note because I know how stupid I sound basing and assuming off the internet, but I'm trying to do the best I can and make sense of something, anything... and researching makes me feel in control of an out of control situation. When I was in the Dr hearing all of this terrible news, I could barely hear or see anything through my tears but the one thing I did hear was how long until we could try again.
I agree with you all, I also get really sad when I see a pregnant person or a pregnancy announcement. I disabled my FB account a while ago and it helped (I didn't have that many friends on FB to begin with though). But I still lurk my old BMB (June) because I love all the TTGPers on that thread, but sometimes it makes me really sad seeing all their updates and knowing I should have been where they are. @zamora_spin@ChloandCoco I'm so sorry that your old EDDs are coming up so soon. I'll be thinking of you guys. @zamora_spin I didn't know what PGS was but looked it up. It's amazing the things that science (and doctors) can do! I hope you get a good plan set in place at your upcoming RE appointment. A hot rock massage sounds amazing! I told DH that I wanted a massage for Christmas. @ChloandCoco Did you end up telling your friend about your losses? I hope you had a great time going out with your friends. @holly321 I'm so sorry about YH's breakdown yesterday. I got upset when DH stayed strong during my losses, but at the same time, I think it kind of helps me stay level-headed (as much as possible, at least, since I still had a huge breakdown myself). It would be really hard for me to see him freak out like that. Since you've had one molar pregnancy, is it more likely for you that you'd have another? I'm not sure what the statistics are on that. (P.S. I hope it's not impolite of me to ask that, I'm only curious since you mentioned something on a previous thread about how you would be done TTC if you had another molar and it made me wonder.) @galactickates ((hugs)) I love @holly321's quote: "it simply sucks." Totally true. It's hard thinking about trying all over again not knowing what the outcome will be. I hope your appointment goes well and that your HCG drops quickly. And I totally get you on the Internet research thing...I research endlessly and it helps me feel better. Of course not everything on the Internet is true, but it's still helpful to hear what other people say.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Two early losses in August and October 2017. Status: Off the bench, WTO.
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Doing okay this week and just trying not to get my hopes up as I wait for O. It's hard thinking about doing this again because I (obviously) really don't want another loss, but there's just no way to know what the outcome will be. Just trying to let go and see what happens. AF is due around Christmas, so either way I'm just going to try to enjoy the holidays without thinking about things too much.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? Nothing big really. I went over to a friend's house this weekend and we just chatted and watched TV. It was great! Right now she lives about 10 minutes away from me, but she's moving in a week to a house that's 45 minutes away. I'm happy for her but sad that she'll be so far away!
@offtoneverland No, I didn’t end up telling her. But TW** in spoiler ** TW
At the end of the night she told us that she was pregnant. I managed to (barely) keep it together on the drive home and I immediately started ugly crying once I got to my house. I really am happy for them, but I was having a very hard day today.
@offtoneverland, the odds of another molar pregnancy are 1 or 2 in 100. But, the odds of a molar pregnancy are around 1 in 1500, and only about 1% of molar pregnancies are partial (mine was, meaning there was fetal development vs a complete molar which is just molar tissue.) The odds of a complete turning cancerous is 1 in 5, but the odds of a partial turning cancerous is about 1 in 100. I may be a bit off with what I said, it was from memory. But, what I am getting at is odds no longer seem to matter in life, since the odds of me being in the position I am are so ridiculously low. So, while 1to 2% really isn't that high, it is to us. I am okay with it, since it is really curable, but DH just kinda freaked out last night.. I hope you can keep your mind clear and happy for the holidays. It is awful to not be able to just be excited about TTC, instead of half dreading it because of the worry. And I am sorry your friend is moving. I feel like we live 30-45 minutes away from all our friends and it is hard. Fortunately, the city is right in the middle of all of us, so it is easy enough to just meet up there.
@ChloandCoco - I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's so hard because you want to be happy for your friend but it cuts like a knife at the same time.
@offtoneverland - I always love your responses, it's like getting a hug everytime.
@ChloandCoco oh god I am so sorry, that feeling when somebody announces just makes all the air go out of you *all the hugs*
@zamora_spin@ChloandCoco@ho@holly321@offtoneverland@galactickates I’ll add on to your feelings! Looks like maybe the holidays are bringing out thr longing extra hard this week. Every year we have a family Christmas Eve party (Fi’s side) and when I was pregnant I just immediately looked forward to it, I knew I’d be around 4/5 months along so people wouldn’t have known for long and I’d already planned what dress I’d wear. And I was so looking forward to seeing the kids again, since my first loss two babies have been born and I’ve managed to go all this time without ever holding them and I finally felt I was ready to. And now I’m thinking of just skipping the party all together.
ntroduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Loss at 13 weeks Jan 16, loss at 9 weeks Oct 17 Status: Benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? For my rant just read above haha Rave: Schools been going really great so far and I’m feeling more positive and productive than I have in years. Today’s my day off but I decided to come in to the library at 9am to work on my essay that isn’t even due for 2 months so I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself for that even though all I’ve done so far is catch up on bump haha
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nada
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? Oh god I have no idea. Probably therapy? I try to go once a week and on the way home I’ll pick myself up a nice meal deal and usually eat that in bed watching my shows So that’s a pretty nice routine.
@ChloandCoco I had forgotten we were EDD twins, mine was also 1/24/18. Blech. Let's stop being the same for sad reasons and both have babies at the same time instead. I'd love to see the bowl if you have a pic. @holly321 I'm so sorry for all you have been through and all you are going through. Mc is hard enough without adding all the health issues of a partial molar. I completely understand about the odds stuff, like, you get to a point where you can't help but feel no matter what the odds are they are not in your favor any more. I think also when really bad stuff happens you lose some innocence about bad stuff happening in general. I am going to guess YH is just having a short term panic at the thought of you getting sick and it will subside, I know that must be hard to work through. @galactickates Don't be afraid or shy to let your feelings out. I'm so sorry about the feelings of loss you are going through. It is so unfair what has happened to you and your baby. I had the same experience of missing pregnancy in 100 ways, I remember even getting upset that I no longer had food restrictions, like, oh, now I can eat all the unpasteurized cheese I want but I would rather still be pregnant. I found especially during my first loss my grief was physically difficult until I learned to let it out more. It doesn't go away, it does get better. It's also very common to focus a lot on when you can try again and feel a strong urge to try again, I have been there. @CraftyG In terms of holiday parties and "obligations" just do what you feel you can handle. It's ok to bow out of events if your aren't up to them. It's a beautiful thing to see and hold babies but it's also very hard. TW babies I was at a football watching party last Saturday and there were TWO BABIES there which I was not expecting. At one point I went outside for a while to be away from the babies. Once one baby left I was able to talk to the other baby's mom for a while and watch her with her baby. Basically I'm at capacity with one baby at a time. You may be in a no baby place, and that's ok. end TW
@zamora_spin - I had the same thing with no food restrictions, or even just drinking. I LOVE to drink, but right now... I would gladly give it up. I can't even look at alcohol right now because it's such a huge reminder "oh yeah, I can have that now"
Oh, @holly321 on IVF time frame - no time frame set-up yet, sorry this turned into a novel. We have a follow-up planned with the RE on December 14 and one of the things I need to find out is when in the month they start their cycles (like a lot of clinics they do their cycles in cohorts so all patients are on a similar schedule) and get a lot of other questions answered, especially whether we can get into the risk sharing program at my clinic where you pre-pay an ungodly sum but get three retrievals, unlimited transfers, and free storage of remaining embabies until live birth. If you don't get live birth you get your money back (but the ungodly cost does not cover meds and extras like PGS so that would be another huge chunk that is not refundable, still, the thought of getting a lot of the $ back is appealing to us if it doesn't work). DH will get a yearly bonus at work that he is expecting may cover as much as half of our IVF treatments and he usually gets that in February or March so I am hoping we could do IVF in February but probably more likely March. Atm we are planning to try this next cycle and see if we have any better luck. I have to decide how many more cycles we will try, I am leaning towards just trying in December and January with an eye towards March IVF. Pretty driven by my age at this point. @offtoneverland It is definitely amazing what science can do. Allegedly the chance of success goes up astronomically if you do PGS, especially for someone my age (the thought being we are making unhealthy embryos due to random mutation, we don't have any genetic issues). There is also something called PGD which allows for screening as to a particular genetic condition which is an amazing benefit to people who have a known genetic issue.
@galactickates@CraftyG@holly321 Thanks, ladies. I knew you would understand. @CraftyG My in-laws have their big Christmas party on Christmas Eve too, and I was looking forward to announcing to DH's extended family at that time. I also completely understand not wanting to go to the party anymore. **big hugs** Also, good job on starting your essay early! @zamora_spin Deal! A pic of the bowl is in the spoiler, but the green colour is more intense in person.
@zamora_spin I’m so proud of you for finding and listening to your limits and it’s so much more amazing that you did it when you were blind sided by them being there and thank you for the advice, I’m just going to think about it and take it one step at a time.
@ChloandCoco oh I’m so sorry, well if we both decide to go we can just message each other all night if things start to get a bit sad/ awkward. Last year I ended up just completely drinking my feelings and was so hungover Christmas Day so I’m gonna try not to take that route again this year haha
@CraftyG I'm still planning on going this year and I'm hoping to be in a better place mentally by then. But I'm down for messaging each other if/when we start to break down. I'm planning on doing acupuncture and seeing a naturopath in December so that should help me feel like I'm doing something while I'm on the bench.
@craftyG I'm not too sure, but I think they use alternative medicine (which I'm not sure I really believe in) such as herbs, teas, etc. I'm hoping that this along with help from my OB, will help to boost my chances.
@ChloandCoco that sounds really interesting, if anything it would be an experience! For work I tend to spend a lot of time looking at holistic views of healing like massaging and therapies, I think at the very least it can help to reduce stress and stress causes so much unbelievable harm to the body that often goes unnoticed because well what can you do about it
Introduce
yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had
the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Unexplained RPL. 4
losses.
Status: CD1 and I am off the
bench!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week?
What is going well for you this week? R/R? Struggling with trying to figure
out what to do next. My final test results came in today, which is that my body
is making it’s own progesterone. So… basically I have 4 losses and other than
testing positive for ureaplasma (which DH and I took meds for), they have NO
clue as to why I keep losing my babies. So now I’m trying to figure if I should
try naturally for a few cycles, or if I should try Clomid. Ugh.
Any
testing coming up/any recent results? Had progesterone biopsy on Monday, and got the
results today.
GTKY:
What was the last thing you did just for yourself? I called in “sick” several
times last month after the stupid girl with no skills got the job I desperately
wanted. Between that and being the 2nd anniversary of my first MC, I
just couldn’t even. So I took some time off and spent it sewing and watching
tv. Fantastic idea! No regrets!
zamora_spin Dealing
with childlessness and loss during the holidays is awful. I always think of
children during the holidays, especially Christmas.
offtoneverland I
haven’t disabled my FB, but I have definitely “unfollowed” many people! I
actually did a few more at Thanksgiving since I saw several new ‘announcements’
that day. Ugh!
holly321 Statistics
really only seem to help people who fall into the majority. When you’ve already
been slammed into that 1-2% multiple times to be almost an impossibility, it
really just sucks and statistics cease to be comforting to you.
CraftyG We
have a Christmas eve party at one of my relatives as well, inclusive of their
stupid cousin who got KTFU at age 16 and smokes and is with a new ‘man’ every
year. To avoid punching her in the face, I drink heavily on Christmas eve and
glare at her so she doesn’t want to approach me. Probably not a healthy
reaction, but F her and sometimes you just gotta look out for #1. If you can’t
deal with the party, then skip it. If you want to power through… drink! (and
trust me… I’m more of a ‘1 glass of wine with dinner’ type of girl than a big
drinker.)
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks) MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks) MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP) RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017 MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP) RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017 MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023. Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing. Surgery for endometriosis January 2024 Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
@dpjennifer Yay for getting off the bench! I have no insight on if you should try with or without clomid. But it's definitely something I'm going to bring up with my OB.
@dpjennifer, congratulations for being unbenched! What is the reasoning for the clomid? Is there concern you are not ovulating "strong?" Part of me thinks, what can it hurt, but if you are already ovulating well, it can cause issues. And your days off seem fantastic!
Sorry been MIA this week, I haven’t been able to catch my breathe. I said no tonight and stayed home. Sorry all the tags coming. @zamora_spin this time of year is the worst for TTC, especially if it’s for your first. So many hugs. @ChloandCoco hugs @holly321 I hope you find I way to unwind @galactickates I’m so sorry I hurt for you and everyone on this board. It will get better, it doesn’t go away but it will get better. When is different for everyone, don’t rush yourself and feel all you need to. I’m always just a PM away @offtoneverland I’m in the same spot with TTC again. Being in TWW has me freaked out because I’m not ready for another loss, although as you said there is no way of knowing @dpjennifer you deserved that personal time. So many ppl work themselves crazy when they really need a me day
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 8/16 Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? OK, I guess? I was struggling this weekend will all of it, so I've been keeping myself really busy this week. And as everyone else has mentioned it's the holidays. I put up our Christmas tree the weekend before Thanksgiving and that sent me into a whirlwind that didn't let up through last week at all. This weekend the remembrance ornament came so everything has been on my mind. I'm also I bit bitter about how my mom views things sometimes. I love my mom and she's great. However, I feel that to her my MC didn't count since it was early. My sister lost a pregnancy and she received a stocking for him with his name(my mom makes these for all family). I have brought it up causally with her more than once that we game our lost child a name, I've also showed her my remember necklace and tree ornament and she has ignored all them. I don't know if she ignores it because it's painful or she doesn't actual view it as a child since it was early. Or maybe it's my own fault because no one knew about the child before the MC.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll be taking my TWW test sometime this next week.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? I don't get a lot of time for those type things, but I guess my going to the gym is for me. I do it for the time to myself as much as I do it for the health aspect. I am going to living windows and dinner with a group of friends tomorrow night.
I just got back from my post op appointment and I have an update.
So let's just skip straight to the good news! I did do another blood draw still waiting for my results, buuuuut, my Dr said I just need to wait for AF but then we can start trying again!!!!! This was such a huge relief and the good news I needed to get me out of my funk.
I'll put what she said about what happened in my surgery in the spoiler, normally I would keep it to myself, but I find this stuff interesting and maybe someone else will too.
So Dr Juggernaut (our nickname for her) said that when she went to put the camera through my belly button there was blood in my belly. Apparently it was just a mess, they had to go to work cleaning everything. My bladder was stuck to my fallopian tube, they had to move some of my organs like my colon! Scar tissue was starting to form, my ovary was covered in blood clots but it wasn't damaged too badly so they left it, she said it would repair on its own. They couldn't even see if they got everything because it was such a disaster but they saw placenta tissue so they cleaned the area, she was really hoping my numbers were going down the way they should, and they are. I'm not sure what my next step would have been. She didn't go there.
I honestly can't believe any of this stuff happened to me. Hearing her say everything about my surgery I'm honestly shocked I don't have any complications from it. I'm just glad I'm ok after all of this. Our bodies so are crazy.
On a cute note, I just love my DH. He unfortunately couldn't make it to my appointment but The Dr said when I was out of surgery and she came to find him he was on his computer doing research about EP's and was reading off facts to the Dr he had learned. It was just really sweet that's how he spent his time waiting for me. TBH I would probably be doing the same thing.
Thanks ladies for letting me share this crazy journey I'm on with all of you. I know you're all going through your own journies, I just appreciate all of the support. I honestly don't think I'd be doing even half as well without you guys. It's been invaluable to me.
I was just lurking the June board, and there was a loss which is terribly sad, but I just read the most touching poem some one wrote. Before you lurk though it made me cry but it summed up this awful loss perfectly and beautifully. Like a song. I can pm it to anyone who isn't lurking BMB but wants to read it.
holly321 Well, after all the testing we're pretty much out of ideas. I live strongly in the unexplained realm of RPL. *sigh* So... according to shaky statistics, we have a good chance of getting PG and carrying to live birth on our own. (of course, the older I get and the more MC I have... the lower that chance becomes). However, one of the theories of early RPL is that we implant any embryo, regardless of how good of quality it is. Therefore, Clomid could theoretically allow me to have better quality eggs/embryos and thus allow us to implant a good embryo. However, it also has a slew of side effects and even on a small dose still has a higher risk of multiples, thus even more possible complications and/or cycles sitting out.
kindbytealikat Sorry about your mom. That's hard. Have you considered just outright asking for the stocking? Maybe in a "This holiday is really rough for me and it would be really nice to have..." Not everyone sees early losses as losses (which is total crap), but your feelings do matter!
galactickates Wow! That is a lot to happen in a surgery. I'm super glad you're all ok and that you've been given the clear to try again!
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks) MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks) MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP) RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017 MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP) RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017 MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023. Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing. Surgery for endometriosis January 2024 Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
@galactickates I'm so glad that you had a dr/surgeon who was able to identify those issues and capably perform that surgery. I'm also glad you will be off the bench soon!
AFM, I got the bad news from my RE's financial people that RPL is an excluded condition for their risk sharing program, meaning we cannot take advantage of their baby or money back guarantee.
@dpjennifer, that makes sense with the clomid. In that perspective, I definitely think the benefits outweigh the risks. I did two cycles and got pregnant on my second. The risks of multiples was a little nerve-wracking, but it isn't that much higher than the general population. And while the side effects were not fun, they were tolerable.
zamora_spin Are you freaking kidding me!?!?!? Stats say that 50-75% of RPL is unexplained, and many current theories think it has to do with embryo quality... and that can't be determined totally until you do the starting stages of IVF where they inspect embryos. So... we're excluded from risk-sharing. What a bunch of... grrr... bleep bleep bleep. That makes me want to punch someone on your/our behalf!!!! As if our lives didn't suck enough as is...
@holly321 I'm debating it. Since if we did manage to become pregnant and have a live birth, we'd probably be 1 and done... and I always wanted 2-3 kids, and would LOVE a set of twins (yes they run in the family.). But not sure how I feel about the risks and my inability to even keep one baby alive to see a heartbeat...
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks) MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks) MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP) RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017 MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP) RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017 MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023. Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing. Surgery for endometriosis January 2024 Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
Re: TTCAL w/o 11/27
Status: WFAF
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? It hasn't been a bad week overall. I feel excited about the holidays but it also is bringing up a lot of feelings about being childless. Plus every now and then when I see a pregnancy announcement, or a pregnant person and think about the calendar, and think "I should be having a baby in January, but I'm not." Anyway, just kind of waiting at this point for our follow-up with the RE in a couple weeks were we will talk about our options, still leaning towards doing one more on our own and then moving to IVF with PGS.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? My bw on Monday showed my hCG has resolved, my prolactin is normal, and my homocysteine is also normal.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? A couple weeks ago I went to a spa and got a hot rock massage, admittedly some nice ladies in my office had given me a gift card.
Status:. Benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I am doing pretty well lately. I am emotionally excepting that we have to wait. Although, I will be seeing my OBgyn tomorrow and do plan to hit if I have to wait so long. Lol. Seeing babies and pregnant women really bother me though. I cried watching the walking dead when Maggie was holding the baby and it made a noise. Other than that, DH had a major freak out, that I am simply trying to ignore, he was all freaked out about what if I die next time. I reminded him I was never really in danger. TW, I think it mostly stemmed from our kids have a rough day yesterday and he was stressed. End TW
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
HCG tomorrow, it was under 1 on Friday. I have weekly tests for the next month, then get moved to monthly tests.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself?
I feel like I am terrible at doing stuff for myself and have no ability to relax, so I made this GTKY for inspiration. I did go shopping for clothes when I go off work today though.
@zamora_spin, it is hard to stop thinking about when you are due. I keep trying to stop myself from looking up how far along I should be, or thinking that we would have a baby now if we got pregnant when we tried. If you do end up going with IVF, do you have a time frame already?
@ChloandCoco, I have unfollowed almost every pregnant or small child person on Facebook. I can't stand to see it. It depends the friend, but maybe if you tell her, she will feel less alone? I know your situations are different but it may help you both to have that as a sounding board together.
Status:benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
Things are getting better, now that I've got an appointment coming up soon it's keeping my mind focused on that and not that I'm benched. We'll see how things are after Thursday. My struggle I'll put in a spoiler. It's not a tmi or anything (just sad) but I don't really want to see it when I open the thread but it's how I'm feeling.
I just had blood work done Monday, my HCG was in the low 200s, I don't remember the exact number she said, but it was around 210. She said pre surgery I was over 19,000. I'm really hoping that number goes down before my follow up on Thursday. I know they are going to retest me then. My FX that number keeps going down. When we first started ttc I never thought I'd ever be wishing for that number to go down. But here I am...
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself?
I honestly have no idea, not in a bad way but all the great things I've been doing have involved DH. I'm supposed to be going out of town to go watch our Seahawks but I told DH I wanted to stay home. I just really don't want to be in the car or do all that walking. So I'm taking some me time.
@holly321 - I really had no idea how long is supposed to take so thank you for that insight. When I've talked to other people it made it sound like they had surgery and then had to go back and get the shot 1 week later. I just don't want to do that. We'll see how tomorrow goes and go from there. I'm going to try not to stress about it until I have more info.
While the extra benching would be awful, MTX is not all that bad. If you do need it and have questions, let me know, I have been getting it for 2 months
Luckily for me I go back to my office Monday, so I'll have less time to obsess.
Edit- to add this note because I know how stupid I sound basing and assuming off the internet, but I'm trying to do the best I can and make sense of something, anything... and researching makes me feel in control of an out of control situation. When I was in the Dr hearing all of this terrible news, I could barely hear or see anything through my tears but the one thing I did hear was how long until we could try again.
@zamora_spin @ChloandCoco I'm so sorry that your old EDDs are coming up so soon. I'll be thinking of you guys.
@zamora_spin I didn't know what PGS was but looked it up. It's amazing the things that science (and doctors) can do! I hope you get a good plan set in place at your upcoming RE appointment. A hot rock massage sounds amazing! I told DH that I wanted a massage for Christmas.
@ChloandCoco Did you end up telling your friend about your losses? I hope you had a great time going out with your friends.
@holly321 I'm so sorry about YH's breakdown yesterday. I got upset when DH stayed strong during my losses, but at the same time, I think it kind of helps me stay level-headed (as much as possible, at least, since I still had a huge breakdown myself). It would be really hard for me to see him freak out like that. Since you've had one molar pregnancy, is it more likely for you that you'd have another? I'm not sure what the statistics are on that. (P.S. I hope it's not impolite of me to ask that, I'm only curious since you mentioned something on a previous thread about how you would be done TTC if you had another molar and it made me wonder.)
@galactickates ((hugs)) I love @holly321's quote: "it simply sucks." Totally true. It's hard thinking about trying all over again not knowing what the outcome will be. I hope your appointment goes well and that your HCG drops quickly. And I totally get you on the Internet research thing...I research endlessly and it helps me feel better. Of course not everything on the Internet is true, but it's still helpful to hear what other people say.
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Two early losses in August and October 2017.
Status: Off the bench, WTO.
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Doing okay this week and just trying not to get my hopes up as I wait for O. It's hard thinking about doing this again because I (obviously) really don't want another loss, but there's just no way to know what the outcome will be. Just trying to let go and see what happens. AF is due around Christmas, so either way I'm just going to try to enjoy the holidays without thinking about things too much.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? Nothing big really. I went over to a friend's house this weekend and we just chatted and watched TV. It was great! Right now she lives about 10 minutes away from me, but she's moving in a week to a house that's 45 minutes away. I'm happy for her but sad that she'll be so far away!
Geesh, I feel like I typed way too much. Sorry!
DD1: 8/2014
TTC #2: 6/2017
BFP 8/3/2017 | CP 8/4
BFP 10/16/2017 | CP 10/21
BFP 12/18/2017 | CP 12/28
BFP 2/15/2018 | EDD: November 2nd | It's a girl!
DD2: 10/2018
I hope you can keep your mind clear and happy for the holidays. It is awful to not be able to just be excited about TTC, instead of half dreading it because of the worry. And I am sorry your friend is moving. I feel like we live 30-45 minutes away from all our friends and it is hard. Fortunately, the city is right in the middle of all of us, so it is easy enough to just meet up there.
@offtoneverland - I always love your responses, it's like getting a hug everytime.
@zamora_spin @ChloandCoco @ho@holly321 @offtoneverland @galactickates I’ll add on to your feelings! Looks like maybe the holidays are bringing out thr longing extra hard this week. Every year we have a family Christmas Eve party (Fi’s side) and when I was pregnant I just immediately looked forward to it, I knew I’d be around 4/5 months along so people wouldn’t have known for long and I’d already planned what dress I’d wear. And I was so looking forward to seeing the kids again, since my first loss two babies have been born and I’ve managed to go all this time without ever holding them and I finally felt I was ready to. And now I’m thinking of just skipping the party all together.
Oh gosh sorry for the rant.
Status: Benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
For my rant just read above haha
Rave: Schools been going really great so far and I’m feeling more positive and productive than I have in years. Today’s my day off but I decided to come in to the library at 9am to work on my essay that isn’t even due for 2 months so I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself for that even though all I’ve done so far is catch up on bump haha
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Nada
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself?
Oh god I have no idea. Probably therapy? I try to go once a week and on the way home I’ll pick myself up a nice meal deal and usually eat that in bed watching my shows So that’s a pretty nice routine.
@CraftyG, great job being so productive!
@holly321 I'm so sorry for all you have been through and all you are going through. Mc is hard enough without adding all the health issues of a partial molar. I completely understand about the odds stuff, like, you get to a point where you can't help but feel no matter what the odds are they are not in your favor any more. I think also when really bad stuff happens you lose some innocence about bad stuff happening in general. I am going to guess YH is just having a short term panic at the thought of you getting sick and it will subside, I know that must be hard to work through.
@galactickates Don't be afraid or shy to let your feelings out. I'm so sorry about the feelings of loss you are going through. It is so unfair what has happened to you and your baby. I had the same experience of missing pregnancy in 100 ways, I remember even getting upset that I no longer had food restrictions, like, oh, now I can eat all the unpasteurized cheese I want but I would rather still be pregnant. I found especially during my first loss my grief was physically difficult until I learned to let it out more. It doesn't go away, it does get better. It's also very common to focus a lot on when you can try again and feel a strong urge to try again, I have been there.
@CraftyG In terms of holiday parties and "obligations" just do what you feel you can handle. It's ok to bow out of events if your aren't up to them. It's a beautiful thing to see and hold babies but it's also very hard. TW babies I was at a football watching party last Saturday and there were TWO BABIES there which I was not expecting. At one point I went outside for a while to be away from the babies. Once one baby left I was able to talk to the other baby's mom for a while and watch her with her baby. Basically I'm at capacity with one baby at a time. You may be in a no baby place, and that's ok. end TW
@CraftyG - I love the internet hugs gif!
@offtoneverland It is definitely amazing what science can do. Allegedly the chance of success goes up astronomically if you do PGS, especially for someone my age (the thought being we are making unhealthy embryos due to random mutation, we don't have any genetic issues). There is also something called PGD which allows for screening as to a particular genetic condition which is an amazing benefit to people who have a known genetic issue.
@CraftyG My in-laws have their big Christmas party on Christmas Eve too, and I was looking forward to announcing to DH's extended family at that time. I also completely understand not wanting to go to the party anymore. **big hugs** Also, good job on starting your essay early!
@zamora_spin Deal! A pic of the bowl is in the spoiler, but the green colour is more intense in person.
@zamora_spin I’m so proud of you for finding and listening to your limits and it’s so much more amazing that you did it when you were blind sided by them being there and thank you for the advice, I’m just going to think about it and take it one step at a time.
@ChloandCoco oh I’m so sorry, well if we both decide to go we can just message each other all night if things start to get a bit sad/ awkward. Last year I ended up just completely drinking my feelings and was so hungover Christmas Day so I’m gonna try not to take that route again this year haha
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Unexplained RPL. 4 losses.
Status: CD1 and I am off the bench!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Struggling with trying to figure out what to do next. My final test results came in today, which is that my body is making it’s own progesterone. So… basically I have 4 losses and other than testing positive for ureaplasma (which DH and I took meds for), they have NO clue as to why I keep losing my babies. So now I’m trying to figure if I should try naturally for a few cycles, or if I should try Clomid. Ugh.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Had progesterone biopsy on Monday, and got the results today.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? I called in “sick” several times last month after the stupid girl with no skills got the job I desperately wanted. Between that and being the 2nd anniversary of my first MC, I just couldn’t even. So I took some time off and spent it sewing and watching tv. Fantastic idea! No regrets!
zamora_spin Dealing with childlessness and loss during the holidays is awful. I always think of children during the holidays, especially Christmas.
offtoneverland I haven’t disabled my FB, but I have definitely “unfollowed” many people! I actually did a few more at Thanksgiving since I saw several new ‘announcements’ that day. Ugh!
holly321 Statistics really only seem to help people who fall into the majority. When you’ve already been slammed into that 1-2% multiple times to be almost an impossibility, it really just sucks and statistics cease to be comforting to you.
CraftyG We have a Christmas eve party at one of my relatives as well, inclusive of their stupid cousin who got KTFU at age 16 and smokes and is with a new ‘man’ every year. To avoid punching her in the face, I drink heavily on Christmas eve and glare at her so she doesn’t want to approach me. Probably not a healthy reaction, but F her and sometimes you just gotta look out for #1. If you can’t deal with the party, then skip it. If you want to power through… drink! (and trust me… I’m more of a ‘1 glass of wine with dinner’ type of girl than a big drinker.)
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023.
Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
#BitterHagPartyOf1
HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
@zamora_spin this time of year is the worst for TTC, especially if it’s for your first. So many hugs.
@ChloandCoco hugs
@holly321 I hope you find I way to unwind
@galactickates I’m so sorry I hurt for you and everyone on this board. It will get better, it doesn’t go away but it will get better. When is different for everyone, don’t rush yourself and feel all you need to. I’m always just a PM away
@offtoneverland I’m in the same spot with TTC again. Being in TWW has me freaked out because I’m not ready for another loss, although as you said there is no way of knowing
@dpjennifer you deserved that personal time. So many ppl work themselves crazy when they really need a me day
Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 8/16
Status: TWW
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? OK, I guess? I was struggling this weekend will all of it, so I've been keeping myself really busy this week. And as everyone else has mentioned it's the holidays. I put up our Christmas tree the weekend before Thanksgiving and that sent me into a whirlwind that didn't let up through last week at all. This weekend the remembrance ornament came so everything has been on my mind. I'm also I bit bitter about how my mom views things sometimes. I love my mom and she's great. However, I feel that to her my MC didn't count since it was early. My sister lost a pregnancy and she received a stocking for him with his name(my mom makes these for all family). I have brought it up causally with her more than once that we game our lost child a name, I've also showed her my remember necklace and tree ornament and she has ignored all them. I don't know if she ignores it because it's painful or she doesn't actual view it as a child since it was early. Or maybe it's my own fault because no one knew about the child before the MC.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll be taking my TWW test sometime this next week.
GTKY: What was the last thing you did just for yourself? I don't get a lot of time for those type things, but I guess my going to the gym is for me. I do it for the time to myself as much as I do it for the health aspect. I am going to living windows and dinner with a group of friends tomorrow night.
HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
So let's just skip straight to the good news! I did do another blood draw still waiting for my results, buuuuut, my Dr said I just need to wait for AF but then we can start trying again!!!!! This was such a huge relief and the good news I needed to get me out of my funk.
I'll put what she said about what happened in my surgery in the spoiler, normally I would keep it to myself, but I find this stuff interesting and maybe someone else will too.
On a cute note, I just love my DH. He unfortunately couldn't make it to my appointment but The Dr said when I was out of surgery and she came to find him he was on his computer doing research about EP's and was reading off facts to the Dr he had learned. It was just really sweet that's how he spent his time waiting for me. TBH I would probably be doing the same thing.
Thanks ladies for letting me share this crazy journey I'm on with all of you. I know you're all going through your own journies, I just appreciate all of the support. I honestly don't think I'd be doing even half as well without you guys. It's been invaluable to me.
kindbytealikat Sorry about your mom. That's hard. Have you considered just outright asking for the stocking? Maybe in a "This holiday is really rough for me and it would be really nice to have..." Not everyone sees early losses as losses (which is total crap), but your feelings do matter!
galactickates Wow! That is a lot to happen in a surgery. I'm super glad you're all ok and that you've been given the clear to try again!
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023.
Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
#BitterHagPartyOf1
AFM, I got the bad news from my RE's financial people that RPL is an excluded condition for their risk sharing program, meaning we cannot take advantage of their baby or money back guarantee.
@zamora_spin, I am so sorry, that is awful!
@holly321 I'm debating it. Since if we did manage to become pregnant and have a live birth, we'd probably be 1 and done... and I always wanted 2-3 kids, and would LOVE a set of twins (yes they run in the family.). But not sure how I feel about the risks and my inability to even keep one baby alive to see a heartbeat...
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023.
Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
#BitterHagPartyOf1