TWW - I forgot how difficult this was...

BenJay · November 2017

After taking a break from TTC - which is kind of a joke because instead of sexy times with DH, I was spending more time at doctor's appointments, getting poked for lab tests, and trying to fill in the gaps where Western medicine is lacking when it comes to my non-specific hormonal whatever - I am back to the *waiting*.

I am doing all the calculation/speculation in my head: today is 9 dpo (I think - I was going to be better about opks and temping, but here I am). Average cycle length: 30 days. Last 3 cycles: 34 days.

Boobs started hurting 4 dpo, ache on and off throughout the workweek. If I pressed my side boob area, it was like woah tender (just an underwire mishap, nbd). Been super tired but it could be daylight savings ending and the extreme tedium that is my job.

Yesterday was 8 dpo/CD 27: spotting. Light brown late last night, faint pink this morning. I was having mild cramping/twinges yesterday off and off throughout the day.

I know why but seriously, why can't PMS symptoms and early pregnancy be a little easier to differentiate?

funkykey · November 2017

@BenJay it's the worst. The last bit of the TWW is horrible.

And for me it doesn't seem to matter how many times I've had BFNs, I still catch myself hoping we'll miraculously get pregnant. We did IVF and after IVF for two whole cycles I was like: "maybe I'll get KU-ed before the FET!" I did the symptom spotting and everything.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier not to think that it I had a real diagnosis? Like if someone had told me there were some tangible reason we weren't conceiving.

But even then I'd probably still get my hopes up, believing in miracles. And I get so so frustrated with myself when I start getting my hopes up, like scolding myself: "haven't you learned yet? This won't happend for you."

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the FET TWW.

thothscribe81 · November 2017

@BenJay Ugh that last few days of the TWW suck so much - with technology now I wish we had an invention that could show up as an app on the phone "hey so it looks like your period will start in two days, no egg was fertilized this month!" or "hey looks like your egg and sperm joined this month, you're pregnant!" instead of all the guessing. The symptoms are soooo similar and its incredibly hard to get your hopes up that this is the month only to get your period two days later. I just started my TWW (I believe - we decided not to purchase OPKs this month, which I"m now regretting because its driving me nuts not knowing for sure) and I can already tell its gonna be a loooong 14 days! *hugs* I hope you are finding things to distract you! Can you make plans for this weekend to get your mind off things? I usually try to schedule things I know will distract me - like going to a movie we've been wanting to see, or something outdoors. I think I'm going to see if DH wants to go to the aquarium next weekend - we have tickets his mom got us for Christmas last year that we never used and it'd be a good weekend to be sidetracked by the fish!

BenJay · November 2017

@funkykey - I was scolding myself earlier this week, and although I am not a religious person, I asked my friend to 'call in a favor' for me. **HUGS** I am so sorry that you're having the same thoughts - it just sucks.

I can whip up some baking fails for your FET TWW!

Off to an interview, while worrying about my 'boob gap' in my blouse. I also don't think that any reasonable amount of makeup will make me look chipper today...

BenJay · November 2017

@thothscribe81 - I am lucky enough to have one of my friends from college coming to visit for a girl's weekend. Unfortunately, the friends I will be hanging out with are 'escaping their children'. Inevitably, conversations will drift to kiddos, and I will have to stay sober enough to DD if they have too many at dinner.

I wish we had an aquarium... We're at least doing brunch and a movie (hopefully not Bad Moms 2).

Trying not to get too hopeful. Spotted heavier before leaving the house. Well, here goes nothing at the interview... That'll keep my mind off of my lady parts.

thothscribe81 · November 2017

@BenJay Good luck with your interview! Do your girlfriends know you are dealing with TTC? I hope if they do they are sensitive enough to keep that in mind! Brunch sounds awesome though, I love brunch lol. Definitely try and steer them towards a movie you'd like to see!!

Bababatty · November 2017

Good luck with the interview, @BenJay! I'd definitely try to redirect the convo if you can this weekend. Maybe give them a few minutes to bitch and then say something like, "Yup, that sucks. But you're here now and we get to have all kinds of fun together."

Anyway, I totally agree the TWW and especially the last few days are THE WORST. The first few days are fine because you're all hopeful and there's not really anything you can do to make the time go by faster. But then you get closer and it's like, "Should I still be hopeful or did all reason for hope die 10 days ago and I just don't know it yet?" I love @thothscribe81's invention. I'd rather know sooner and have to wait it out than to not know at all. I'm definitely like @funkykey. By the time the last few days rolls around I've convinced myself all kinds of things--"Oh well I haven't really had any cramps yet, totes KU;" "That spotting could totally be nothing;" "Cramps shmamps. It's all in your head."--even when I know for real that it's going to be a BFN. After my fresh transfer in August I called because I was having definite period spotting complete with cramps a few days before my beta and I wanted to know if I should even bother coming in, and the nurse even said, "Oh that could just be spotting from the progesterone suppositories." I knew she was wrong, of course, but really that's not helpful.

As for your spotting, @BenJay, do you normally spot at 8/9DPO? I can't remember if you have a short LP, but I'm guessing not since you don't have a diagnosed progesterone deficiency (or whatever else causes short LPs).

BenJay · November 2017

@thothscribe81 - They know I am TTC but they don't *know* what it's like. Both haven't had any issues with pregnancy, so they don't even understand all the different hormones, testing or treatments.

But the place we are going to has amazing coffee and delicious food, I can sit through them swapping kid stories while I smile and nod. I know it's tough for them too - they work and parent. I get it. Only so much to talk about.

BenJay · November 2017

@Bababatty I honestly don't know my LP. I am on progesterone cream because I had a slightly elevated testosterone level on a test. I have always tested adequate progesterone on a Day 20/21 test. I typically spot 2-3 before menstruating and my cycles have been 34 days for the last 3 cycles. So, I am like implantation bleeding??

I don't even know when I ovulate either! I never got a positive OPK (had to have ultrasounds + Ovidrel pre IUI), so my menstrual cycle is a bit of a mystery.

I am trying the acceptance approach, whether or not there's a bun in there. For now, I believe it but let's see what I say on the next check in....

BenJay · November 2017

And AF arrived. Well, two good things: the wait is over and that was one of the easiest PMS weeks in memory.

Remind me sometime of I don't post about the amazing nurse at my appointment yesterday. Off to brunch.

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TWW - I forgot how difficult this was...

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