It has been quite a while since I've been on these message boards ... I could use some advice.
Little backstory in a nutshell - Husband has severe Azoospermia and after exhausting all treatment options, we resorted to using a donor. After 7 years of battling IF we gave birth to our son (now 4yo) who was born with a severe heart defect and palate defect (he was a fresh IVF cycle). He has had 2 surgeries and is doing well. Nearly 2 years later, we gave birth to our daughter (now 2yo). She was born at 28 weeks and it was a rough start, but she's doing very well now. So, as you can see, it has been a really tough journey. --- We still have 2 frozen embryos. Husband has had a really tough tough time going the donor route from the get go. He loves our kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything, but he says he suffers everyday knowing that they are not his biological children. This is not something that would truly bother me, but it really bothers him. Anyway, for this reason, compiled with health concerns of the unknown and daycare costs, he doesn't want any more children. I do. I really do. Back when we started this journey, we were unsure about going through IVF due to our religious beliefs that life starts at conception and we did agree that we'd give all the embryos a chance at life. We didn't know we'd be faced with not one, but 2 children with health issues, and of course we're scared to try for a third, even fourth pregnancy.
So, I'm torn. I want to give those 2 embryos a chance at life. I want to get pregnant again. He absolutely does not. Because of our history of birth defects, my clinic will not donate the embryos. The only option is private donation. But, I'll be honest, I really struggle with the idea of donating the embryos. My husband feels not connection to the embryos, so he eager to donate them and he doesn't really care who they get donated to. I'm not so sure I want to donate them. I know it may sound selfish, especially since I was once at a point where we were considering adopting and embryo, but I don't want a full sibling to my children out there with another family. I'd want it to be an open adoption so I can still know about the child and see photos and stuff, but I think that would be torturous for me since I'd want that child in our family. I don't want them to ask me one day, why didn't you choose to have me? you know? I guess that is a little irrational of me... but that's how I'm feeling. I'm going to be 40 next year and I'd want to get pregnant before then.... and I can't see my husband changing his mind anytime soon. UGH I'm so torn. This haunts me and consumes my thoughts.
None of my friends can even begin to understand my struggle. Anyone here have any words of advice or have been in the same boat or suggestions?
And just in case I change my mind, do you know of any embryo adoption agencies that could help me to donate my embryos? Even if we have a history of heart/palate defects?
Me: 36 (Endo) DH: 39 (Azoo)
5 DIUI - BFN
IVF#1 - BFP - AJ 7/12
FET#1 - BFP Due 7/24/14