FFFC 11/3

izza2 · November 2017

(Not-necessarily) Flame-Free Friday Confession!

izza2 · November 2017

I ate a Kit Kat this morning with my prenatal.

I also have zero plans of buying maternity clothes for full price. Consignment shops + clearance racks are my jam.

MaraJeanily · November 2017

I ate a brownie for breakfast this morning. Oops.

basemodel · November 2017

I hate when you go out on a limb and mention something personal about yourself, a medical condition or something you're struggling with, and the person you're talking to just has this really detached frown and spouts off some prepared statement they must have heard on a drug commercial and says it like they're so mature and knowing and have "been there". Like fuck you, please. I have fucking depression and if one more person whips their bedside manner out and tells me that "it's so important that you take care of yourself" and to "remember to get some exercise and sunshine!" and "reach out if you need help" and "listen to your doctor and take your meds" (FOA, you don't even know me so fuck you for telling me to do anything with my body) and people who say all that can seriously go to hell. What a way to take someone being open and vulnerable with you and just push them back to arm's length, essentially excusing yourself from any more involvement and handing the other person a waiver saying, "Well I told you to take care of yourself!"

They may think they're being understanding and comforting but to anyone who has ever struggled with a mental illness, it just feels like rejection.

PatientlyWaiting10 · November 2017

@basemodel And that's exactly why people who struggle with depression struggle with telling people about it...because people just don't know what it's like and because they can't "see" it, it isn't there. I have struggled off and on with depression since our third miscarriage. It's real and hard and sucks. I have never told my family that I was medicated for it out of fear of what they'd think and how they'd respond.

I'm sorry that you had to hear the "candid" stupid responses when you were vulnerable with someone.

srb1028 · November 2017

FTM here...any recommendations on department stores that offer cheaper maternity clothes or have awesome clearance racks? I also don't care to spend a lot on clothes.

PatientlyWaiting10 · November 2017

@srb1028 This question would probably be better suited for a different thread (weekly questions, maybe the STM thread?) or maybe that was your intention? This is the FFFC (Flame Free Friday Confessional) thread.

ETA clarification

Austenista · November 2017

@srb1028 motherhood maternity has good sales and clearance. Full priced there is highway robbery so sign up for coupons/emails and raid their clearance.

krash_ · November 2017

@basemodel that really sucks. Depression sucks. I have been treated for it before and MH is currently being treated. It's so tough when your SO isn't quite like themselves anymore. My BFF has pretty severe anxiety. I try to be conscious of what triggers her and to be there for her when it gets bad but it's very frustrating because she wont get help for it. It is a condition just like any other that you can get treatment for.

The problem with these diseases is that what everyone thinks the "cure" is, is the last thing you want to do sometimes. "Make sure your eating well and exercising" won't help when you can't even get out of bed.

AFM: Maybe it's because I don't have many symptoms but I feel like some people might be exaggerating. I know everyone handles the hormone changes differently and MS is for real so I do not speak ill of anyone dealing with that but I just don't get that people are so tired they can't make a meal or their SO is doing everything for them.

NamelessAria · November 2017

My husband keeps trying to talk me into using Marie as a middle name if baby is a girl. Confession: there is no way in the fiery depths of hell that I'm planning to name my (hypothetical at this point) daughter after my MIL. My MIL is one of the most selfish and infuriating people I've ever met and no sweet innocent child deserves to be named after that woman. I actually refuse at this point to name a boy or girl after anyone at all from my husband's side of the family. We already named our son after his side of the family both first and middle names. I feel like this time around it's my "turn" to get to pick names and use people from my side of the family if I want.

@srb1028 seconding signing up for email alters for sales and coupons at Motherhood Maternity. It's also worth just browsing Thredup every day or two. The good things go fast but if you're lucky you can get some really great deals. Last year while I was pregnant with my son I got a dress I'd been eyeing (from PinkBlush Maternity) that was originally about $60. That was way too much for me to spend on a special occasion dress I'd wear once or twice. I found it a couple of weeks later on ThredUp for about $15. It was used since everything from ThredUp is but it looked brand new. Speaking of PinkBlush sometimes they have reasonably prices during sales, flash sales and for clearance. Same type thing as Motherhood Maternity: sign up for the emails that give you coupons and sale alerts. You can also find a good deal at Old Navy or Target sometimes. I got 2 every day maternity dresses at Target for $7 each. They were just a basic jersery fitted dress BUT they were super comfortable and fit my every day needs well. I wore them more than nearly another other maternity item I had. They were well worth the $7.

pinottoparenthood · November 2017

Confession: I had three Zofran left from my last pregnancy and I took one yesterday. And it was amazing. I was like a new person. I so wish I could get some this time around but I haven't even seen the doctor yet so they aren't prescribing anything yet. I feel worse this time than either of the other times and I don't know how I'm going to get through. Holding onto the other two Zofran for when I really need them.

Ash9614 · November 2017

basemodel said:

I hate when you go out on a limb and mention something personal about yourself, a medical condition or something you're struggling with, and the person you're talking to just has this really detached frown and spouts off some prepared statement they must have heard on a drug commercial and says it like they're so mature and knowing and have "been there". Like fuck you, please. I have fucking depression and if one more person whips their bedside manner out and tells me that "it's so important that you take care of yourself" and to "remember to get some exercise and sunshine!" and "reach out if you need help" and "listen to your doctor and take your meds" (FOA, you don't even know me so fuck you for telling me to do anything with my body) and people who say all that can seriously go to hell. What a way to take someone being open and vulnerable with you and just push them back to arm's length, essentially excusing yourself from any more involvement and handing the other person a waiver saying, "Well I told you to take care of yourself!"

They may think they're being understanding and comforting but to anyone who has ever struggled with a mental illness, it just feels like rejection.

This is hard. I’m currently in therapy for Post partum anxiety that slapped me in the face 9 months in (2 months ago), so I kinda get where you are coming from. But, all that cliche stuff is true. You do need to take care of yourself. If you’ve been prescribed medication, you do need to take it. And if you’re prone to laying in a dark bedroom, some fresh air and sunlight may do you some good.

I think you may be putting a lot on people by expecting them to come up with some perfect response. If they express sympathy/empathy and volunteer to go on a walk with you or tell you to focus on yourself, that’s a pretty solid response.

Are you in therapy? It may be helpful to share with a licensed professional instead of friends/family if you’re looking for more helpful responses outside of “I’m sorry to hear” and “take care of yourself.”

tepr14 · November 2017

@basemodel It's awful. My reaction to that if I feel rejected, is to just distance myself from that person but I also hate it because I feel like now they know something so personal about me that I wish I could physically take the information back and be able to walk away. I don't think I've ever had a good conversation about depression without feeling some kind of guilt for it or rejection by the end.

I have had some decent conversations about my anxiety with family because they would see it. While they didn't "get it" they respect it enough now to understand if I need to get away they dont question it or take it personally...its also taught me to vocalize it at least in safe place with them because that's what they needed too. @krashke I appreciate hearing that you try to stay aware of triggers and you try to be there for her. That is also hard that she's not trying to get help, and I'm sorry about your H needing treatment. One of my best friends, her husband has depression and just recently started to see someone and she's shared with me how hard it is on her too and the toll it's taken on them. I know it's not easy on either side of the fence.

AFM: I don't like giving gifts because of a holiday or birthday. Specifically at work there is this culture that for every holiday everyone buys people gifts. If I'm out and I see something I think somesone will like I like to pick it up for them and just surprise them with it any day of the year, but I don't like gift giving pressure.

PatientlyWaiting10 · November 2017

@Ash9614 I read it as someone just said those things to her as their way to say, I'm sorry, and move on. I didn't read it as they were sincere and concerned about her well being. I think all of us who struggle with PPD&A/D/A know what we're supposed to do, but sometimes, are not physically able to do them because of the crippling effects they have on you.

AFM, my FFFC is that it's Friday, I have five days left to work here and I don't feel like doing a darn thing today. So I'm going to do the least amount of work as possible. So let's have some fun on TB to keep me occupied today!

bkrahn · November 2017

So last weekend DD spent the night at my parents while we attended a fall dinner for a group my husband works with. Afterwards we decided to go for some drinks/ appetizers at the bowling alley with a few from the group. We got there at like, 10:30pm. I noticed right away that there were two sets of parents in the corner bowling, and they had their young kids along (looked to be around 2-3 years old.) Long story short I was judging them HARD all evening because these poor kids were visibly overtired and ready for bed, but the parents continued to bowl until 12:30am!! I was so pissed.. like, stop being selfish, go home, and put your kids to bed.

i mean yeah, I get it, sometimes it is necessary to keep your kids up past their bedtime, it happens.. and some kids maybe just have a later bedtime in general than others, but these kids were clearly exhausted and were crying on their moms lap nearly the entire time. Like that just seems very selfish of the parents to me.

May14th2011 · November 2017

@krashke I'm so tired and miserable this time, but I have two kids and my husband works 8-5 most days and is gone for weeks at a time. I don't get the ability to just not do stuff. It makes me roll my eyes when people act like they can't get off the couch. I've had one friend who had actual HG with her pregnancies and I'll always give her a free pass though.

Miz_Liz · November 2017

@bkrahn that’s a huge pet peeve of mine and I judge people who do that hard too!

ffw0617 · November 2017

Confession: My first co-worker knows I'm pg. I had to use the pg card today to get out of a conference. There was a number of reasons I didn't want to go: started at 7:30am, I don't come to work until 9:30am; a few ppl will be there I don't want to see, traffic is really bad downtown due to Astros parade, I much rather have a day in the office without majority of my boss & coworkers. I was trying not to tell coworkers, but he texted asking where I was he said "we're all here, where are you?" I said I'm not feeling well. He said you seemed fine yesterday, everything okay? I said "I'm pregnant and I'm not feeling well this morning." He simply congratulated me. I trust he'll keep the secret since he knows if anyone else knows I'll know he told them. But my first use of the pg card pretty cool.

tammy574 · November 2017

@krashke I guess I’m on the opposite side. I am literally so drowsy every pregnancy I hardly can keep myself from falling asleep when I drive and it’s scary. Remember the last time you had the stomach flu? I am so sick when not medicated that it really is a throw up fest to try to cook. The mix being I skip out on a lot when pg. Its not fake. It’s deadly real. And if my dh would cook for me or do extra (he can’t he’s swamped at work and on top of that not the housekeeper type) I WOULD LET HIM. Instead I buy all prepared food and grit and grimace through pregnancy. Being pregnant the first time gave me a whole new compassion for those with mental illness. Because I had it for the first time in my life. It was beyond my control. It all felt so out of control. Obviously some people milk it and if all someone does is complain and whine I have a problem with it but the dry (or not so dry) heaving over the toilet all day + other not fun symptoms every day for months on end ruins every day and it’s a huge advantage to not have those symptoms.

icecubeinthedesert · November 2017

tammy574 said:

@krashke I guess I’m on the opposite side. I am literally so drowsy every pregnancy I hardly can keep myself from falling asleep when I drive and it’s scary. Remember the last time you had the stomach flu? I am so sick when not medicated that it really is a throw up fest to try to cook. The mix being I skip out on a lot when pg. Its not fake. It’s deadly real. And if my dh would cook for me or do extra (he can’t he’s swamped at work and on top of that not the housekeeper type) I WOULD LET HIM. Instead I buy all prepared food and grit and grimace through pregnancy. Being pregnant the first time gave me a whole new compassion for those with mental illness. Because I had it for the first time in my life. It was beyond my control. It all felt so out of control. Obviously some people milk it and if all someone does is complain and whine I have a problem with it but the dry (or not so dry) heaving over the toilet all day + other not fun symptoms every day for months on end ruins every day and it’s a huge advantage to not have those symptoms.

All of this. I did get my tired ass off the couch at 8:30 last night after a 10h work day to make myself dinner (DH was at class), and just the smell of the refrigerator made me dry heave. I'm glad I got some food put together and nutrients in me, but the struggle was really really real.

I try not to make an excuse about it at work, so I totally understand the parallel to depression and other invisible illnesses. But DH will hear me complain about it because damn if he needs to contribute any way he can to this pregnancy too. I snapped at him Wednesday when he complained about his stomach hurting after overeating a spicy meal. Like really? Read your audience dude. I just threw up all morning! You decided to eat too much of something that made you sick!

katelynrae86 · November 2017

I think it's really hard because the pregnancy experience varies so much person to person. My best friend just gave birth and she felt just fine the whole pregnancy - no MS, ran a half marathon at 25 weeks, very mild symptoms. My SIL, on the other hand, had to go to the ER multiple times because she was so sick, also got hit with gestational diabetes, and was just miserable. These 2 would have a hard time comparing experiences and it would be easy to think one was exaggerating (these are really extreme examples but I hope it makes sense). I'm sure people do milk it sometimes (for attention, to get out of work, pity?) but I *try* to give people the benefit of the doubt because being pregnant is hard! Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally...and we all do what we need to do to get through it.

My confession: I was a "dirty lurker" during my previous pregnancy (Oct 16). I posted a little at the beginning, but then fell out of habit/didn't make the time. I really started reading a lot near the end of the pregnancy but it was too late to jump back in to the established community. I read a lot of the threads and all the birth announcements and was sad when the board died...by then I was stuck at home with a newborn, desperate to connect with others in my shoes. Hope you guys don't think I'm a creeper now! I knew as soon as I got pregnant again, I wanted to be active in the BMB and I'm really glad I'm here with you ladies

Dashaina · November 2017

I missed this yesterday.. Somehow.

Depression is definitely hard. I have struggled with low self esteem and lack of motivation (thanks to my mother on many levels) my entire life. While medication has never helped me in any of that, I am always a bit jealous of people for which it does help. I'm like...I want a magic little pill that makes me feel better about myself. But anyway.

My FFFC is people who spank their children. I literally will stop being friends with someone on any meaningful level as soon as I find out that is how they actively choose to discipline (which literally means teach, not punish) their children. I get that we all get frustrated and angry and sleep deprived and act without thinking. But IMHO spanking is not the answer.

Miz_Liz · November 2017

@Dashaina I was literally just reading about studies showing kids that are spanked are more likely to suffer from mental illness later in life. This isn’t the exact article I was reading, but it is the same gist:

https://www.techtimes.com/articles/215144/20171103/childhood-spanking-can-lead-to-mental-health-problems-in-adulthood.htm

Dashaina · November 2017

Miz_Liz said:h

@Dashaina I was literally just reading about studies showing kids that are spanked are more likely to suffer from mental illness later in life. This isn’t the exact article I was reading, but it is the same gist:

https://www.techtimes.com/articles/215144/20171103/childhood-spanking-can-lead-to-mental-health-problems-in-adulthood.htm

Thanks for sharing this article. I was spanked as a child and can attest to not only is it not effective, but it does in fact cause many self esteem issues as well as fear of not being perfect, etc. I have battled so many issues from this that has taken me many years to even begin coming to the understanding that it wasn't me my parents were punishing, but their own personal demons.

FFFC 11/3

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