Intro - Hello

astaluna · November 2017

Hello everyone,
I am joining after my daughter was stillborn in August.
I feel very lost at the moment. I have been given the all clear to start trying again and I have days where I feel as if I am ready to do so however, I am extremely anxious and horrified at the thought of going through this again.
I see a counsellor who assures me that it is normal to feel this way however I don't want to rush into anything without being in the right frame of mind first.
I look forward to getting to know you all and I'm so very sorry we find ourselves here x

dpjennifer · November 2017

Welcome to our group. I'm sorry for your loss. Your counselor is definitely right, and take all the time you need before you try again. The emotions can run high for months after a loss.

Mack2342 · November 2017

So sorry for your loss. I agree with @dpjennifer take time if you need it

mrsupeters · November 2017

Hi! I just want to say I am so very sorry for your loss. Dpjenn is right, take all the time you need to grieve and heal. Welcome to the group, I'm new here too

astaluna · November 2017

Thank you so much for your help earlier Jennifer, I cant thank you enough. And thank you ladies for your kind welcome. As much as I would like to try again, I think I know deep down that I'm no where near ready yet. I am embarrassed to say that I visit the cemetery everyday which I know is not healthy behavior. People keep telling me that falling pregnant again will be a good way to move on but I don't feel as if I want to move on and alot of the time these people have not experienced this type of loss. Ladies, I hope you don't mind me asking this however do you find that your partners deal with their greif very differently to you?

dpjennifer · November 2017

astaluna Everyone grieves differently and I don't think that visiting the cemetery every day is concerning behavior at this point. I mean, your'e only a few months removed from it, and although I've only had earlier MCs, they were traumatizing enough. I can't imagine having seen a heartbeat, and knowing the sex, and picking out names and everything that would come with a stillbirth.
I think sometimes people who have not experienced loss think that another baby will solve the problem, they don't realize that you can't just replace the one that you've lost.
And my DH definitely deals with grief differently than I do. We've found that communication is very important (even though my DH can suck at communication), and he's been the most supportive ever. However, I know that some partners close off and don't understand that we grieve differently, and can cause serious rifts in a marriage. I have an amazing therapist, and my DH has come to some sessions with me, which was super helpful.

Kath525 · November 2017

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I agree that everyone grieves differently. And like dpjennifer said, communication is crucial. I don't think there is any right or wrong timeline for grief or for trying again. Do what is best for you and your family. Welcome to the group.

tosh24 · November 2017

I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no timeline or "right" or "wrong" way to grieve (as long as no one is getting hurt). Take the time you need. My first loss was at 9 weeks last November and I still shed tears almost every single day for my baby that was so wanted and loved already. I can only imagine the pain of a stillbirth. Let yourself feel what you need to feel - you will know when you're ready to try again.

vlagrl29 · November 2017

I'm so so sorry for your loss! I've never had a later loss so I can't imagine your pain and sadness that you are experiencing but know that it is totally normal to visit the cemetery every day. She was your baby and she should be at home with you now and you want to see her and I think anyone that thinks that is not normal doesn't get it. I was only 5 weeks with my loss and there are times I still get upset and I'm 10 months out. There is no time limit on this stuff. You'll start TTC again when you are ready.

Mack2342 · November 2017

I agree there is no timeline for grief. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to visit the cemetery daily. I can’t imagine the pain with a later loss like yours but I’m sure that it takes time for things to get “easier”. I put memorial stones in my garden for my two babies which were both early losses. I can see them daily and can visit whenever I want. I think what ever helps you grieve is normal. DH definitely handles this differently. Communication is key. He may never get the way you feel but needs to be supportive of your feelings. DH and I talk about it quite well but it wasn’t until I sent him a couple articles that he came to me and said thanks I kind of understand now. He said you have said some of those same things in the article but I didn’t quite understand til now. Also you will know when you are ready TTC again.

astaluna · November 2017

@dpjennifer I'm truly so sorry to hear of your MCs, it honestly breaks my heart that so many of us find ourselves in this position. I seem to let myself get caught up in how others believe I should or should not be greiving, which is why I feel embarrassed of going to the cemetery every day. I wish more than anything that I could be stronger and cope with this better, but it's as if I'm caught in a thick fog at the moment and I can't find my way out. It is wonderful that your DH has attended sessions with you, I'm so glad to hear you found it helpful. My DH has been great, however I do find myself questioning how he is able to move forward from this whilst I seem to be stuck in a huge rut. I guess misery loves company and I feel very alone now he has begun to get back into the swing of things.

astaluna · November 2017

@Kath525 Thank you for the warm welcome and kind words. I appreciate it so very much.

fishee333 · November 2017

@astaluna I am so sorry. I lost my baby boy during my second trimester, so I had him cremated and buried at a local cemetery. Since the service, I have driven by occasionally but I haven't had the strength to actually go visit him. I think that you visiting the cemetery is plenty healthy, and actually courageous. If you're comfortable talking about it, do you know the reason that your baby was stillborn? I was told at my 12 week appointment that my baby boy had a 35-50% chance of passing or being stillborn at any point in the pregnancy due to trisomy21 and a cystic hygromia, and I was horrified thinking about carrying full term and having him stillborn. The whole experience has still been pretty traumatizing, even though I only carried him to the 2nd trimester. Anyway, it's helpful for me to talk about so if it's helpful for you, I'm here to listen and support you.

dpjennifer · November 2017

astaluna Thank you. And don't let others perceptions of how you grieve affect you. You will get stronger over time. It's harder at the beginning because on top of the loss and grief, remember you still had pregnancy hormones in your body for how long, and it makes everything worse.
My DH is not nearly as bothered by our MCs as I am. And yet he's very supportive of me. Just remember that as long as you both recognize that each of you feels grief, just differently (and/or different levels of grief), it is ok. Remember that even though the man is involved in the PG and whatnot, it didn't happen to HIS body. He didn't have crazy hormones, he didn't feel all of the things that you did from the start and over time. Therefore, sometimes they just don't feel the grief as deeply as we do I think. I mean, they still lost the child and the futuristic ideal and all of that, but for the most part, they didn't feel the changes in your body and the like. I think that makes a huge difference. (And no disrespect to anyone's DHs or anything! Some men feel more emotional than others. Just this is what my DH and I have talked about, and again, all my losses were early so we didn't have convos about names or cribs or any of that).

astaluna · November 2017

@tosh24 I'm very sorry for your loss last November, I find it terribly hard to have lost someone you never had the chance to know but loved more than anything. Although I know that nothing will ever take the pain away, do you find it has become easier to cope with time? Thank you for your lovely reply and warm welcome.

astaluna · November 2017

@vlagrl29 Thank you for your lovely reply. I am very sorry for your loss. I feel a bit more at ease with visiting the cemetery each day after posting here, I was so worried about our close friends and family finding out as I've had some negative reactions so far. It is hugely reassuring to know that others who are in a similar position to me understand why I do it and don't think it is out of the ordinary.

leahcimmichael · November 2017

@astaluna I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. As everyone else has said, there isn’t just one “right way” to grieve. Most of the time, especially early on, it’s just doing what you have to do minute to minute to get through. If you start to feel concerned that your grieving is becoming unhealthy or is interfering with your ability to function in other areas of your life, please let your counselor know. Your doctor can tell you when you’re physically able to try again, but only you will know when you’re mentally and emotionally ready. It’s not a race, it’s something you get to decide in your own time.
I think the difference in my grieving versus my DH’s is how much more I generalize. Every baby and bump reminds me of my loss. DH doesn’t view other babies as related to our loss at all. I don’t think his feelings of jealousy or guilt are as intense as mine. I do think that he feels more helpless, though as he feels there’s not much he can do besides BD in terms of TTC again.

astaluna · November 2017

@Mack2342 I'm very sorry to hear of your 2 losses. The memorial stones in your garden sound absolutely beautiful. I am lucky in that the cemetery is a 15 minute drive from home however I am terribly nervous that I won't be able to visit once the time comes for me to return to work. I might look at some memorial stones for my garden too so I have somewhere special to visit a little closer to home on days I'm unable to make it to the cemetery. I think my problem is that my DH has started to move on whilst I don't feel ready to do so just yet. Did you find yourself in the same boat? As selfish as it sounds, I've felt very alone knowing he is now ready to move forward. I am super proud of him and the last thing I want to do is hold him back but its as if the world is moving on and I'm the only one left behind.

ELeighMay · November 2017

astaluna I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom a late loss and the pain that comes with that. You are totally right to work through things in your own way. My DH downright sucks at grieving entirely. He processes things totally differently than I do, but he claims it works for him. He did grieve our loss, but for lack of a better term "got over it" fairly quickly. He had nothing to base his loss on, no tangible or physical attachment to have lost so he felt the sadness but it was far different than it was for me. I still struggle with trying to process the loss while he's able to simply carry on with life as usual like it never happened. I had an early loss at the end of July and November has arrived and I'm still grieving. Give yourself permission to hurt. I don't think we do that enough, and I find myself feeling embarrassed of the sadness of my loss when people ask how I'm doing. I'm very sorry you're here with us, but I hope that you're able to find the support that you need. This is a wonderful group of women.

astaluna · November 2017

@fishee333 Hello lovely, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I think you are so brave to have carried your little one into the second trimester knowing there was a chance he may not make it, that is incredibly strong and I can't begin to imagine how scary that would have been for you. Do you mind me asking how long ago it was that you lost your little boy?
Everything had been going perfectly throughout my pregnancy until I became very unwell and was hospitalised at 32 weeks (I won't go into too much detail because that is another story within itself). A few days later I started to decline and my body began to shut down. At that stage I had become extremely incoherent and although I had fought against it, we were advised that I would have to be induced to give both myself and our daughter a chance to live. The doctors assured me that there was a strong likelihood that she would be fine and may just need to stay in the nicu for a few short weeks until she was strong enough to go home. Sadly things did not turn out that way, I was eventually induced and she was born sleeping just shy of 34 weeks.
She stayed with us for 4 days in the hospital and once I was discharged a few weeks later we held her funeral. The thought of my husband carrying her tiny pink coffin into the church breaks my heart each time I think about it. I don't generally go into detail about what happened but I do feel comfortable speaking about it here with you lovely ladies. I guess I feel as if I don't want to scare our friends and family so I don't go into detail, but I'm grateful to be able to share my story with others who understand me here. Thank you so much again for reaching out and sharing your story with me xx

astaluna · November 2017

@dpjennifer thank you for your wondeful advice. It's unbelievable how refreshing it is to talk to someone who just "gets it". I wish that you (or any of the other ladies) weren't here in this group, but I am extremely thankful that you have each reached out to me. I do need to make more of an effort to speak to DH about how I am feeling rather than just trying to keep up with his pattern of greif so I don't get left behind. Because it is such a personal thing to go through, I think for me seeing a counsellor has been extremely helpful as I feel as if I can greive at my own pace. I completely agree with you regarding the hormones, it is extremely confusing to go through the physical changes after giving birth but not have your baby there with you. It's as if my body knows I should have a baby to look after right now but my brain knows otherwise. As this was my first pregnancy, I didn't really know what to expect so it has come as even more of a shock if that makes sense.

MelissaMay82 · November 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss.

fishee333 · November 2017

@astaluna Thank you for sharing your story, I'm so sorry for what you have had to experience. It just isn't fair. I know what you mean about sharing - I feel like I don't want to scare our friends and family by sharing much, but I feel it's easier to share here because I feel more understood I think. I lost my little boy on August 2nd, and my D&E procedure was on August 4th.

Mack2342 · November 2017

@astaluna I definitely felt in a fog for several months just going through the motions. DH did return to his normal activity fairly quickly and that was hard but I finally understood that we each grieve differently. Once I excepted that it made it easier for me to see him move forward while I still hung in a fog. That’s why I turned to this group because these ladies gave me the support and understanding that I needed.

vlagrl29 · November 2017

I was in a fog for several weeks after my early loss. I remember booking a wedding to play at the weekend following it and it was so hard for me to focus. Even my first couple weeks back in teaching were just weird.

I started to notice dh making jokes when I would cry to him. Like making light of the situation and it would annoy the crap out of me. Later I found out he did that cause he didn't like seeing me upset. A few times since ive seeing his eyes get misty while he's telling me it will be worth the wait and that he never gives up. Truthfully I'd give up before him cause I'm just not a patient person and honestly I'm surprised I'm still trying.

honeybeebub · November 2017

@astaluna Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I can't imagine how hard it must have be to have a late term loss of your baby girl and deal with your own medical health at the same time. You definitely need to grieve in whatever way you see fit and try when you feel ready. I feel like any loss changes you though and someone once told me that your feelings are valid, whether positive or negative, so don't try to suppress what you're feeling, despite what anyone tells you about how you should grieve.

tosh24 · November 2017

@astaluna Thank you for sharing your story - I am so incredibly sorry for the heartache you are having to endure.

To answer your question - sort of. The first couple of months I felt like I was in a fog and just basically going through the motions of life because I couldn't very well lay on the couch every day. I started to feel better after that and the loss wasn't in the forefront of my mind 24/7, but when I really sit and think about it, it can still bring me to tears a year later. My situation is a bit complex though because I am also dealing with infertility and the first pregnancy I lost was the only pregnancy I had had in 4.5 years of TTC. I thought my luck had finally changed and was elated. Since that first lost in November 2016 I have gone back to my RE and have been undergoing fertility treatments and ended up having another loss this past July. I think my loss stings so much because I don't know if that was my last chance at ever having another baby. There is no guarantee that I will ever get pregnant again because of my fertility issues. And also, when dealing with infertility, you can never really escape TTC because you are either going to almost daily monitoring appointments, having procedures performed, or feeling like crap because you are injecting yourself with an onslaught of hormones every day. So TTC and losses are always hanging over your head.

pumpkinpancake · November 2017

@astaluna I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to have to deliver a baby that you didn’t need get to take home with you, and that’s certainly not something anyone would expect you to get over very easily. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t feel guilty or bad at all about going to the cemetery if gives you some comfort. I certainly felt different in the first few weeks after my loss, and even still don’t feel 100% like myself after three months. I also think that sometimes the losses don’t have as much of an impact on the men, either because they haven’t physically gone through all the hormones and changes, or because they feel they need to be “stronger”, but sometimes they just don’t like to show it on the outside. I know my DH was more upset than I thought he would have been at first, but then seemed to “move on” very quickly compared to me. I can’t fault him for wanting to focus on the positives and moving forward to try again, but in either case, communication is key.

I hope that you get your take home baby soon, and welcome to our group.

robyn2201 · November 2017

I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine how hard a late term loss would be. Giving birth and not being able to bring home your baby. Like the other ladies said, I don't think going to the cemetery everyday is a bad thing. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I hope your stay here is short and that you get your rainbow baby when the time is right.

bmxerbaby · November 2017

So sorry for your loss, welcome.

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