I'll chime in and say that (like many others stated) communication is key. Both of you will be going through changes as you get this new personality given to you as "mom" and "dad" that you previously didn't have. There were some days when it was really hard because I felt like I didn't have my own identity anymore, I wasn't Lauren I was just "mom" and while being a mom is an amazing thing I did have a bit of grief over losing how I was before and I felt like DH didn't lose his identity like I did. After talking about it we both came to the realization that this was a totally new experience we were navigating together and we needed to lean on each other for support. There were some rough patches, especially since I was BF so I'd be up in the middle of the night feeding and he'd be sleeping next to me, blissfully unaware but communication definitely helped us get through those rough patches and now I have yet another reason to love him and it's because of his role as a dad and how much he loves the kids and how much they love him. Being a parent brought out this wonderful side of him that hadn't been there before and it's an amazing thing to see.
Yes! It is definitely normal to feel a sense of grief for lost identity after a first becoming a parents. Mourning the loss of your previous life, your body as it was, a birthing experience that didn’t go as planned and breastfeeding not going well are all perfectly normal things to feel grief over. The loss of an imagined experience not going as planned should still be acknowledged as real, because it is. I wish it were talked about more, but these things happen. The feelings are real and are often brushed off as being fine because you had a healthy baby, your baby is still being fed, you’re still the same person as you were, etc. ladies, listen to the way you feel and know it is not wrong. Validing those things is a major step to moving forward. Becoming a mom as been the best thing that has ever happened in my life, my baby boy is my everything. But it doesn’t always happen overnight. Becoming a parent is a big adjustment, a shock. Be kind to yourself in the adjustment process
For STM+ who had a natural birth experience - did you find any particular books / blogs / tips helpful? We are signed up for natural birthing class, but can't afford a doula so any tips / advice are greatly appreciated!
I worked with a doula for my first birth, and in the end it went so fast that I didn't really need her that much. However, I did do a lot of reading as prep for birth. Ina May Gaskin; guide to childbirth, and Birthing from within were the most helpful. There are definitely parts of the book that are a bit too granola for me, but the ideas are helpful. My mantra was "this is not designed to kill me".... it's a little weird to repeat to yourself, but it seemed to work for me. Also, we were able to stay home for early labour which made for a calmer atmosphere. I really wanted to avoid a long in-hospital labour. I ended up only being at the hospital for 45 minutes prior to delivery (it was a bit close, but everything went smoothly). Talk with your MD to determine when they want you to present, I was told only to come when contractions were 1minute long and 5 minutes apart. We timed them at home and left for the hospital accordingly. But every MD may have a different view. This time we will do the same, but will leave for the hospital earlier since second babies can come even quicker and we have to ensure childcare for DS (also...we live only 15mins from our hospital so that is why we felt comfortable at home during early labour).
I've heard mixed things about Hypnobabies, some people rave about it but for others it didn't work. Might be something to look into. They have a home/self-study course for around $170 I think, and I think some of the older versions of the course (with CDs instead of MP3s) are available on eBay for less.
@JBcakes08, mine didn't pop with my son. But it was very tender by the 8 month mark. I hate belly buttons so I was very aware of mine and it totally felt like it would pop any second but it never did.
It really depends on personal preference, budget and space. We got a convertible crib for our son thinking we could just put the side rail on when he was ready to transition, but he won’t sleep in it without all the rails up. So we had to get him a twin bed a few months this ago, anyway. He sleeps in his crib at night and twin during the day for naps. It’s really child dependent on what is best, so if you can afford the extra money for the convertible crib then it won’t hurt to have
@stlbuckeye132 my kids ate their cribs, not just chewed on but but chunks. No crib guard could stop them so I’m glad we didn’t intend on using the cribs any longer than the toddler bed stage. Not every kid will do it but keep in in mind that they might before you go and spend big bucks on something you are expecting tomlas you for years.
If if you do, I suggest getting all the convertible components now in case the crib is discounted or they go out of business.
@stlbuckeye132, maybe you have more options where you are. But I couldn't find a crib that wasn't convertible. I didn't really want/need one (we already have a single bed and a queen). But I couldn't find a crib I liked that wasn't a convertible. So we got the convertible and then figured we might as well get the stuff for it since it was so cheap.
@Gingermom15 love convertible cribs. It took us from crib to day bed all the way to a double. The only downfall is the teeth marks all over the foot board of our beautiful wooden sleigh bed lol.... I’m sure we could fix it if we wanted. But it was nice to never worry about spending $ on the next step (until we had to buy a double mattress)
@Gingermom15 I personally didn’t care about a convertible crib because I wanted to limit the number of sets of sheets I have. This may sound crazy, but bear with me. We have two queen sized beds because we’ve always lived far from family and having the guest beds made sense. Both of the mattresses ended up being gifts from family so we didn’t actually buy them. When we transitioned DS from his crib to a bed, we just put him in a queen. The queen has been in his room the whole time and we’ve used it for guests or the nights where he just wasn’t sleeping well. One of us lays with him and he falls asleep in about 15-20 minutes and then he stays in his bed and we go to ours. I didn’t want to have to buy a full mattress or sheets when we already have two queens. Since we are having a second boy, DH really wants to do bunk beds and eventually I’ll probably have to buy a twin mattress and sheets. Lol. Also I have more than one friend who has had to transition their kiddo to a toddler bed or twin bed and needed to lay down with them. So when the cheaper, crib to toddler bed went on sale, that’s what we bought. And my crib has teeth marks on it too. So do what works for you. Also if you have multiple kids, it might be years before you get to actually make it a full unless you plan on buying a crib for each kiddo.
Any STM+'s have suggestions on exercises or gear that you found particularly helpful when trying to lose baby weight the first time around? I'm hoping to ask for fitness-related gifts for the holidays since I know money will be tight once my LO is here, but I have no idea where to start!
@ashtuesday I did daily walks. It got my daughter to nap and gave me some quiet time, and helped me feel like I was doing something to get in shape. She’s a year old now and I still really enjoy my walks, even though they’re less frequent and she usually doesn’t sleep through them. Plus they’re free!
@ashtuesday I did walks and workout programs on my Wii (yea it was a long time ago haha) but if you have one of a Kinect for Xbox they both had good ones. I liked them better than regular videos because it can tell if you’ve stopped and yell at you. But workout videos are good too. I would plop the baby in the swing and she would watch or nap and I was able to find time 5 days a week. 30-45 minuets a day was really nothing and even if I didn’t look like I did before baby it felt amazing to do something for myself.
hahaha @stlbuckeye132. I ruptured my achilles tendon several years ago and my mom showed up to my house the day before surgery with a box of goodies and a shake weight! She knew I was concerned that I would not get to work out for a very long time, and thought that would help with the issue. LOL Lets just say it was given to Goodwill a while back, still in its package.
I am 19w6d and still have not felt any kicks or pokes from our boy in there. FTM 38yo and anxious! He was moving around so much during the AS I thought for sure I'd be feeling something. Any one else still waiting for the moves? STMs when did y'all feel the first kicks and pokes?
@ashtuesday Check out yoga/pilates/fitness places in your area to see if they have post-natal or mommy & baby classes, and maybe ask for gift cards for that. Or try your local breastfeeding center (if your city has one) or hospital, ours has post-natal fitness classes. It's a great way to get out of the house, be around other moms (so refreshing if you start to feel lonely with just you and baby during the day), and do some light exercise. Also, some pilates/yoga places take SpaFinder gift cards, which you can get for a discount some places (I got a $100 gift card for $79.99 through Costco).
@stillcantbelieveitshappening - I am a FTM who was panicking not to be feeling anything around that time too. When I expressed my concern to my doctor at 20 weeks, 6 days, she said it was still early and nothing to panic about. But then around 21 weeks, 2 days, I started feeling clear, undeniable kicks. Everybody's body is different - don't worry!
Re: FTM Questions for STM+ October Edition
Becoming a mom as been the best thing that has ever happened in my life, my baby boy is my everything. But it doesn’t always happen overnight. Becoming a parent is a big adjustment, a shock. Be kind to yourself in the adjustment process
[spoiler]
Me: 28 Him: 30
Married: 11/15/14
TTC: 02/2016
IF DX: MFI (low count & morphology) & mild PCOS
June 2016 BFP - MC @8w2d
August 2016 BFP - MC @6w1d
June 2017 - 50 mg Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI = BFP 7/6/17!!
Beta #1 = 422 (14dpo), Beta #2 = 810, prog - 12.3 (16dpo), Beta #3 = 5023, prog - 18.9 (20dpo)
[/spoiler]
This time we will do the same, but will leave for the hospital earlier since second babies can come even quicker and we have to ensure childcare for DS
Edited for spelling
Married: May 2008
DD Born: March 2018
DS Born: April 2019
Due with #3 December 2020!
If if you do, I suggest getting all the convertible components now in case the crib is discounted or they go out of business.
@stillcantbelieveitshappening - I am a FTM who was panicking not to be feeling anything around that time too. When I expressed my concern to my doctor at 20 weeks, 6 days, she said it was still early and nothing to panic about. But then around 21 weeks, 2 days, I started feeling clear, undeniable kicks. Everybody's body is different - don't worry!