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May 2018 Moms
mjm2018
member
MIL/ people at the birth SEVERE ANXIETY
mjm2018
member
FTM and I want it to be just me and my partner (and medical staff) at the birth. I'm only 10weeks so we have a while to go but we were talking about it today and he is adamant that his Mum will be there. Apart from the fact I don't want anyone else including my own Mum seeing me give birth and all the details that come with that. We're having twins so even though I have my heart set on a natural birth we have to be realistic and accept that a c-section is highly likely.
Now, If this was the case I might not mind both mums being in the hospital with a c section because I know only 1person is allowed in the theatre so we'd still get a small moment together before facing the world. But if I have to be put under GA (which I have huge anxiety about) it'll likely take me a couple hours to come around and it breaks my heart thinking that I will be the last to hold my own babies!!
He says he doesn't want to be on his own and go through it on his own if I have to be put under GA, which I do understand, but I feel my needs are more important here?! I have not stopped crying at the thought of she will hold them before me- I love his Mum but this would not be ok and I'm worried I will resent everyone!
Am I being over the top?
Do I just let whatever happen and deal with It?
Or if not, How can I help him understand my needs for my physical privacy and mental well-being?
Note: Neither of our parents know we're expecting yet so cannot have this conversation directly at the moment. However, when the big day comes - if he asks her to come I'm pretty sure she will regardless of what I have asked.
Re: MIL/ people at the birth SEVERE ANXIETY
To try and get him to see it from your perspective you could get him to watch some videos of women in labour. Then ask him if he would want your mother around while he was in extreme pain and half naked?
I would also remind him that everyone present in the birthing room is there to support you, not be an audience. Ultimately it is your choice. If you don't want someone there, then they cannot be supportive.
My mother insisted on being in the hospital out of worry, but I didn't want her in the room, so she spent 13hours in the waiting room. She did come in at one point, but it was after I had an epidural and was quite comfortable and she left when they said I was ready to push.
I hope you can get him to see your perspective!
Tell him you'd like to play it by ear but will most likely want the delivery to be a special moment for your new family only.
I told DH when we were having DS1 that I just wanted me and him. I'm doing all the work that day & therefore I call the shots. Luckily we went into labor at 10pm so no one really wanted to come wait around all night... my husband kept the grandparents in the loop with a group text. They understood after 8 hours of labor all through the night we'd need some rest, so they didn't come until they got the go ahead text from me & my husband ... which we played by ear that day. Once you're rested you bet your butt you're gonna wanna show those baby's off to loved ones.
1) I felt the same way going into my first labor about not wanting anyone there. And I felt like it was going to be really important to know my DR. However, when I was actually in labor I kinda entered a different brain space, sort of like a trance, and it turns out I didn’t care or notice who was there at all. I turned totally internal.
2) A friend of mine had twins last year and her birth was a very long induction. It would not have been practical for anyone to be there the whole time. And she did not tell anyone about labor until the babies were out! She did achieve vaginal though - don’t lose hope on that account!
3) If your husband needs support, maybe you could hire a doula? They statistically reduce your chances of c-section. Also it is a person who is in between a friend and medical person.
4) Maybe not being the first to hold your babies is something you need to work through the grief on? I mean, if you are under it’s not going to be you regardless, so maybe MIL is better than a random nurse or just laying in a basket alone?
5) Could MIL be on call to come quick but not actually be in the building?
Overall - yes your feelings are absolutely valid and should be accounted for. But your husbands feelings are too and there is so much that is not in your control, you have to make peace with the fact that things are going to be whatever they are and you won’t always get to pick.
When the time came, I was 35w5d and had preeclampsia. Twin A was not in a good position as she was being squished down by Twin B and we feared she'd go into distress quickly during vaginal labor. We immediately decided to have a planned c section.
We told our families the plan and the general time. FIL asked if they could come to the hospital because it was planned and I felt that a lot of pressure was off of me so we allowed the 3 sets of parents to come.
When the twins were born, I got to see DD for 5 seconds and DS for less than that because he wasn't breathing properly. I was terrified. I then had to be on a magnesium drip in bed and was not allowed to see my children. DH stayed with our twins and when things settled, he came to ask if he could bring the parents into the NICU to see their grandkids. I agreed it was the right thing to do so everyone got to see my children before me and it sucked. I sat in bed and cried while my great nurse comforted me. It was definitely hard. And I will always remember I didn't get to see them or sit by them first. Since they were so little, no one was allowed to hold them at that point, so I guess that was my silver lining.
So I get where you're coming from. The most important thing is for you and DH to be on the same page. I don't think you're being too over the top. This is your first child, you should get to experience the birth the way you want to, within reason. Yes, your husband should be able to voice his opinion and have a discussion about it, but you're the one who will be exposed, will be in a lot pain, will need to be focused. Perhaps if he still would like her in there, you can compromise. She can be in the room until you start to push on until you 8 cm dilated or some aspect that is a concrete time.
Maybe your mil won't want to be in the room with you?
I was induced at 35 weeks for some medical issues and it lasted over 24 hrs . We had people in and out to visit during the induction which I was fine with as it took so long. Than full blown labor Came on quick and sudden . My mom happened to be in the room and the nurse kicked her out right away saying since it was a High risk delivery only husband allowed in room.
Talk to husband but talk with the nurses too. They are there for you and if you say only husband in room or no one but husband holds the baby they will make it work even if your husband says something else (they are good at making up rules)
My husband is awful with medical stuff . My mom is great with medical stuff. If baby needed NICU my mom was going to go be with baby with my husband to help translate medical
jargon and my dad and mil where going to come be with me (nurses knew this plan and said they would make it happen)
Like @suchaglencoco my kiddo had to go straight to the NICU. I got to hold him for about five seconds until they had the cord cut and then actually no one was allowed to hold him. I didn't get to hold him again for four days. And they wouldn't let anyone but DH into the NICU with him until I got to go in and see him. We were only allowed to have two adults at a time so grandmas couldn't go in together even. But really when that day comes I hope everyone just accepts that the doctors nurses and you and DH are trying to make the best choices for your little ones. It will be such a happy and emotional day whether you have complications or everything goes text book delivery. It will be amazing!! And I agree with @MLD912 birthing class will help too. Don't be afraid to ask any and all questions, take a tour if they don't offer it at the class. Just try and make yourselves as comfortable in the hospital so it eases some of the stress.
I will say that I didn’t want anyone there at all in the waiting room initially, but my friend gave birth the year before and the baby was in distress and had to go in the NICU. Her husband went with the baby and she was alone and scared and wished she had someone there with her to hold her hand. Once I thought about that, we agreed people in the waiting room was fine, but no one in the room during delivery.
The good news is that you guys are talking about it and have a lot of time to figure it out. I think it’s good you’re starting to talk about it and the different scenarios that could occur.
In this case, I'm on the team of "the person giving birth gets the final say" for several reasons. The biggest one here is that not being comfortable can lead to delays in labor. Being relaxed is important for dilating all the way. So anything to make the person delivering more comfortable.
That said, I do think there's some room for compromise. It's understandable that he might want support if you go under GA - but his mom being there for support doesn't mean that she has to be in the delivery room and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean that she needs to hold the babies before you.
I think it would be worthwhile thinking through all of the possible scenarios with birth, everything from you get your natural delivery to you need an emergency C under general and there are complications that result in you not being able to safely see/hold your babies for hours. You can each envision what would make you most comfortable in those scenarios and find where you overlap or have room for compromise. It's totally acceptable as well to say "We're planning on XYZ and would like privacy for this, but if it changes to ABC DH will call you to come over ASAP." or something like that.
As as others have suggested, his Morher can be in the waiting room for support. And a doula could be a viable option for him in need of a support person.
But ultimately this needs to be your decision. Being pregnant involves such a great temporary loss of ones autonomy. Suddenly people have a say in the decisions we make regarding our own bodies. Not to mention there is another actual person sharing our body effecting every decision we make. This is not easy! That’s why it’s so important that you get to make these kinds of decisions on your own- to maintain some semblance of autonomy. Your husband might not understand but he doesn’t have to. He just needs to drop this right now. Your husband isn’t preparing for what you are, nor is he already dealing with what you are dealing with. This isn’t his choice, and when he realizes this I suspect you will feel empowered and less anxious.
xx
I am very private and have already said I will only have my husband at the hospital with me. We’ll notify family when I’m in labor, when the baby is born and when we’re ready to have people visit. My MIL has already asked if she could be in the delivery room. If I wanted anyone else in that room, it would be my mom (plus it’s her first grandchild) not MIL. I had to lay down the law early about this, in the nicest way possible.
When I was pregnant with my son, my SO's family was way too enmeshed. And i am estranged from my own mother, she's insane and I had a legitimate fear that she would show up. We weren't going to tell anyone when we were called in to be induced however we had a dog that needed to be taken care of, so didn't have a choice there. Anyways we registered as private. If you do that, the medical staff can not even let anyone know you are there or where you are. It was a great decision, I ended up in labor for 36hours and had to have a C/section. After a C/S you have to be in recovery for a few hours. Baby and SO is allowed in there but no one else. They are pretty strict about that.
I am having a scheduled c/s this time, my MIL will be at my house with my son until we are ready for anyone else, my son will be the first after mom and dad to meet the baby. I don't think I will have to register as private this time.
I went through something similar with DH when DD was born. He really felt like he needed a support person and asked about his mom. I did not want my MIL or my mom in the room so we decided to have husbands sister there to be support for both of us. It actually worked out really great because she could stand up to the doctors and nurses to get me what I needed and DH could focus just on me. This time I think we will hire a dula because she now has a newborn. I guess what I'm saying is that it might even good for you both to have a support person but not his mom.
Regarding other people holding your babies, you are 100% in your rights to feel the way you do. We didn't let anyone besides DH and me hold DD for the first 24 hours and we actually had SIL leave after delivery and didn't let anyone in for 2 hours so we could have some time just us. Maybe you could make a plan about what's happens once you recovered (if you have to have a C-section) that protects your time with your DH and babies? Might make you feel like you have more control over the situation.
Stand your ground. I was a pushover with my first, I didn't have to worry about my MIL being there, but I literally wasn't even cleaned up all the way before she came parading into my room with 4 other people.
I'm lucky this time and I'm remarried to a man who supports my decision (as I am the one who will be having the child removed from me one way or another) and a MIL who may give me a little crap for it but will respect it when the time comes.
Any hard feelings from you standing your ground on the decision will have one of two outcomes.
1.) MIL will see her grandchildren's faces and it will melt away
2.) Hard feelings were going to happen at some point that will not be likely to fade, and rest assured it is better to know sooner than later!
ETA: when my former monster in law barged in he announced herself with a "geez, we could hear you all the way in the waiting room" I'd still like to throat punch the wench.....
ETA again: I just noticed the fear that your MIL would hold the babies before you if you end up under GA. Check with your hospital on this, but I don't believe many (if any) would allow visitors before mom is out of recovery. And if they would, you should be able to have a ban on it in place for your case. Most hospitals are getting much better about things like this.
DS born 3/11
Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!!
divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started)
Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!!
Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18
TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
That being said, I didn’t want my MIL in the room and no situation would have warranted her staying. It’s YOUR birth, YOUR body and ultimately your decision. You’ve got plenty of time to work everything out. I agree with people saying to decide for all situations.
BFP 2/25/14 EDD 11/5/14 BD 11/4/14
BFP 8/26/17 EDD 5/5/18
As far as your questions, tell your husband to suck it up. If you're under GA, he is the only person that will be allowed in the room, so no one will be there to support him anyway. This is absolutely one of the "your body, your choice" situations. What if he said he wanted his best friend or his dad to be there to support him, would you think his concerns and arguments would be valid? Just because his mother has a vagina does NOT give her the right to impose on your privacy. I told MH flat out that there would be no way in hell his mother would be in the delivery room with us, and if he had a problem with that, he wouldn't be there, either.
I had twins, too, and I was able to do it naturally, but they still made me labor in the OR because of the increased risk of C-section, so this might not be an issue, as they may not let anyone else in there with you anyway.
As far as holding your babies, if you tell them you don't want anyone other than you or your husband holding your kids first, I can't imagine that they wouldn't honor that decision. Stick to your guns and tell your husband MIL will not be in the delivery room with you. This is definitely one of the situations where your feelings ARE more important.
Married June 2012
BFP June 2013- blighted ovum, D&C Aug 2013
BFP Oct 2013- twins! A&H born May 2014
BFP Aug 2017- EDD 5/8/17
This is what I've posted in other threads before. Tell him his mom can be there if he will drop his drawers in front of your dad while you squeeze his nuts every 5-10 minutes for 5-6 hours.
DS born 3/11
Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!!
divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started)
Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!!
Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18
TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
I’d hope you’d DH would understand. If not, tell them what the above ladies have said. Good luck!
I would certainly compromise by having the moms around for early labor and soon after birth. My mom will definitely be around once I get an epidural and, though I really can't stand my MIL, I wouldn't mind if she was in the room too, but everyone is out for active labor!
I will say that my mom was there for the birth of my sister in law's baby. Not for the pushing, but everything else. And she was instrumental in getting my brother to feel confident enough to actually pick up his own son. My brother was suddenly terrified of hurting him once he was out and wouldn't touch him! He needed his mom for that support and encouragement.
About the C Section. I totally understand and you are not at all overreacting. The only thing I can offer is this piece of perspective that I've considered myself, just in case I have to deal with it too:
Someone has to hold those babies and welcome them into the world. It can be a nurse, or it can be a cold sterile bassinet. But I'd rather it be family. Don't get me wrong, it would pain me just as much if it were me. But I would just have to teach myself to look at it with joy instead of the resentment that naturally comes from that situation. I think it would be pretty cool to tell them when they are older, especially once you don't have your mom and your MIL in your life anymore, to be able to say "your grandmas were the first people to hold you when you came into the world. They loved you and kept you safe and warm until I could."
OP I would encourage you to talk to someone about your anxiety. I think it’s totally normal to be worried, but crying about the thought of something happening is probably not good for you! You can absolutely request that no one holds your babies before you! That being said, I was more than happy to have my MIL hold my first baby right after she was born. I was shaking profusely and had to have some lacerations repaired, so they couldn’t let me hold her. I can assure you that she and I are quite well bonded!