Hi everyone, I'm very sorry for everyone's loss.
I had a miscarriage on December. My Baby was suppose to be 8 weeks old; the first ultrasound I had was at 6 weeks and my baby looked fine I saw the little heart beat. during the following weeks I was feeling pretty awful, morning sickness tired and nauseated so to be honest I was feeling pretty confident my baby was growing and everything was fine. sadly this is called a missed miscarriage where my body had not acknowledge the loss.
even though I knew there was a percentage of having a miscarriage, honestly I never though I would have one. nothing prepares a marriage for something like this, all of our hopes, dreams and love were with our baby, and after Dec 21st they were all gone.
I'm not ashamed of telling people what happened, and I don't feel guilty I know I did the best that I could. this whole experiences has thought us so much and we will keep learning. life will never be the same, I will always have my first baby in my hearth. thing that seemed so important before seem so stupid now.. "would I gain weight? would I get stretch marks? how soon would i get to have sex with y husband again?"
I am so grateful I have my husband with me and he is my #1 support, my family and friends who have been very there. I am not a very religious person but after this I can only turn to God and hope my baby is with him and there was a bigger reason why this happen.
i do not feel jealous when I see pregnant women or little kids, (my has girl twins!) i just feel sad, but I'm sure this is normal and Im sure we will all get through this rough time.
never be ashamed, and always feel proud of your baby and that small time you got to spend it together.
to all of you who are trying now, i wish you the best of luck!!!
thank you for the support.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences- I have returned to this post several times over the last six months in search of support, encouragement, positive affirmation, proof that I'm not alone, and sometimes just to try and get my mind off of my own situation. I hate that any of us have found our way to the MC/PL group, but mostly that there is even a need for it. My heart goes out to all who have experienced this horrible part of life.
In late September 2014 I found out I was pregnant. AF came on time, like clock work every month, so when I was over a week late I had an idea why. My husband was oblivious. We had been together for six years that fall, and he was beyond excited when I told him that I was pregnant. We were ecstatic! Something that we had both witnessed from a young age (we both have younger siblings) and looked forward to experiencing for ourselves was finally happening- we were having a baby! We waited until Thanksgiving to tell all of the family, and it was early December before we announced the news to the rest of our friends. I remember it being so foreign when I would say the words,"I'm pregnant." Inside of me, was a growing phenomenon. The realization was amazing. My husband attended each ultrasound with me, baby was growing perfectly and had a very strong heartbeat. The next visit my amazing Mother-in-Law attended as well. I was excited to be a mommy, but her excitement warmed my heart in a different way- she was still mourning the loss of her father from the previous year. She was finally genuinely happy again. By this time I was just over 11weeks along. As soon as doc placed the US tool on my stomach and continued to move it around, I saw there was no flicker of a heartbeat. The room was silent- I looked at my husband and his mom, expectantly waiting for the familiar silhouette of a baby on the ultrasound screen, with a beating heart. The doc kept moving the tool and I tried to swallow the hard lump in my throat, all while trying to avoid the inquiring eyes of my husband and Mother-in-Law. I knew what the doc was going to say before she had to force the words out- we had a missed miscarriage. A nonviable pregnancy. After a deep breath I asked where we go from here. I understood everything she was saying, but it was as if I was processing the information in slow motion. I had three options: try to pass it naturally, take medication to get the process going, or undergo a D&C. With the possibility of complications, I decided to go with the D&C. I tried my best not to make eye contact with my husband as I got dressed. I knew if I looked at him, or even touched him, that I would break into a million pieces. After visiting a US Tech to confirm, I was told to come back Monday for pre-op. It was Friday, and I was to spend the weekend with a lifeless fetus in my womb. It just felt wrong, and I can't explain how much heavier and dense my womb felt to me after that moment.
It was hard to cope with, but even harder to break the news to the people in our lives along with explaining the healing process and terminology. It was absolutely exhausting. By mid February my hCG had reached zero and I was released. Life went on, and my husband and I were confident that we would someday have the chance to hold a sweet baby of our own. We leaned on God with the certainty that we were where we needed to be in that moment in time. Life was good.
In September of 2015 AF failed to appear again, and I immediately knew I was pregnant. I'm pretty sure I felt it the week it happened. I continued to take an at home test each morning until I got a faint positive. I was nervous, but so excited to say the least. I didn't do a surprise reveal to my husband this time, I think because of the stress. This time I knew the possibility and it took me a few weeks to let myself be excited. I did regret not telling him in a more exciting way, I'm a very ecstatic person who loves to surprise people.
I had just started a new job and didn't yet have health insurance, so I went to a free clinic. Although I knew there shouldn't be a positive pregnancy test unless there was a growing life inside of me, the confirmation from the clinic made it real for me. Of course I had wanted to be pregnant again after healing from the last, but I didn't want to rush and felt that it would happen all in perfect timing. We held off on telling people, but surprised a few close friends and family members. About a month after telling a good friend of mine, she surprised me with her very own news of being pregnant. We were going to be pregnant together! We were so excited to share the coming months and years.
When my husband and I attended the 8 week ultrasound, we weren't surprised that there was no heartbeat and neither was the US tech. We were told to come back the following week and that I may be earlier than expected. That week was torture. We were very hopeful, but in my head I did the math- I knew that if I was in fact earlier than expected, then I should have had my period in September. None of it made sense, but we decided to stop worrying and stay positive. Although we were well aware of the possibilities, that week further prepared us for bad news. Yet again it was determined that we had a missed miscarriage. The baby did not develop past 6.5weeks. It felt like a cruel joke. Although I had been through it before, with the doc telling me that she's sure it's nothing I did, I felt so ashamed. I did everything I could to avoid any risk, and it didn't pay off. After allowing myself to feel selfish just for a moment, I decided to get to business about getting healthy. Since I was still so early, with doc's encouragement I opted to pass everything naturally.
It has been a little over six months now and I am still processing the miscarriage. Due to my hCG level being stationary from February to March, I had to get a methotrexate injection. After that my level fluctuated a little, but has gone down and I will continue to have it checked until it is low enough for me to be released. For the first time in months I feel like I am coming out of a haze, I feel like I'm on my way up.
This miscarriage was similar to the first one in some ways, but also very different. I finally feel like I can share my story here, like so many others have. The stories I have read break my heart, but also let me know that I am not alone. I think that's what I've needed most through this whole thing. I am very thankful for my husband, who is very conscious of my emotional, mental, and physical state. These days they don't line up like they used to. I am very thankful that I have him, and that when he gets home from work and walks in to find me wrapped up like a burrito on the couch, with an empty carton of ice cream on the coffee table, he knows that dinner is up to him that night, so he cooks for both of us. If it applies, please don't forget your significant other through this hard time, and what they are going through as well. They may process it differently, but let it bring you together instead of push you apart. Also don't forget to be good to your body. I used to be somewhat angry that my body couldn't seem to do what it was supposed to do, even through passing the remaining tissue. Now I realize that it was working as hard as it could for me and that sometimes, just like we all do, our bodies need a little help.
It took me a while to get to this point, and I look forward to even better days, but I wish I could thank everyone who has been encouraging through this time. I hope I can do the same for someone in need.
Life is still very good.
I am so blessed to have the love of my life, my DH, est. November 2008.
BFP#1 Nov 2014, Missed MC at 11w, D&C on 01/06/2015
BFP#2 Sept 2015, Missed MC at 6w, Methotrexate injection 3/25/16, released from Doc 5/17/16
BFP#3 Oct 2016, Chemical