STM+, introducing siblings

sjis · October 2017

As a soon to be STM, I'm excited and nervous to be adding to my family. DD will be almost 4yrs old when DS is born and though she is excited and talks eagerly of helping, I'm wondering how 'real' it's going to get.

-What are you mom's doing/saying to prep your first born for the impending arrival of a new baby. Or for mom's of three+, what has your experience been?

-on day 1 when #2 arrives, how will you introduce the siblings? Any advice?

-as time goes on, what are things we can do and say to foster a good sibling relationship?

Thanks!!

Marley629 · October 2017

Great thread! I've been worried about this since we started ttc in 2015 lol. DS1 is now 4 years old

we have been very upfront with DS1 since the beginning. I think it started to sink in more recently for him though as my bump became bigger and my SIL had her baby and he had kind of put two and two together. I have noticed an increase in anxiety in him and a little bit of regression in that he's back to calling us "mama" and "dada", falling asleep while cuddling with us, and wanting to be right by our side every minute of the day. I think these are all normal (hopefully) and will sort themselves out when baby is born and he realizes we are still there! I am expecting an adjustment period and bouts of jealousy but also, seeing him with his baby cousin, I am even more excited how he will be as a big brother. He has a huge heart and loves to be mommys helper, so I will use that and have him "help" with whatever he can to hopefully calm some of those anxieties he's having and also as a way for him to bond with LO.

As far as introducing him to baby, this is something that has been stressing me out. I am a repeat c-section and I already know I'm scheduled for 2:30 pm. Since I have GD, there is a chance baby will have to go to NICU for a bit for hypoglycemia and with my C with DS1, I was in no condition for visitors that first day. All that combined with the fact that DS1 goes to bed early (7pm) and his witching hour usually starts around 5:30, as much as it will kill me not to have him be there that first day, I think it's best for all that he not meet him until the day after. I will have a gift from LO to DS1 to give to him in the hospital.

failuretofly · October 2017

For us, we are planning a homebirth, so we will just play it by ear!

If DS is awake when I am laboring, and interested I will let him be there. He has been really fascinated with birth videos lately so maybe he'll be keen to be involved. Though since a lot of babies come at night, he will probably be sleeping, in which case we would just introduce him when he wakes up.

If we end up going to the hospital, we hopefully won't be staying there long, so again, introducing him ASAP. Considering there are so many variables in my birth plan, this is one thing I have decided to just go with the flow with.

cait5413 · October 2017

DD is only 14 months, so she really has no idea what is coming. I tell her there is a baby in mommy's belly, etc., but I don't think she'll get it til baby is here. Our c-section is scheduled for the first procedure of the day. I don't know what time that is yet, but I assume it will be in the morning, so I think we will be ready for DD to come visit by the afternoon. My plan is (if possible) to send the baby to the nursery and have DD come in and see me first without the baby and then have the baby come in to meet her (and probably have DH hold the baby). We have a gift for the baby to give her. I am open to any tips from moms who have kiddos this close in age! One of the things I am most worried about is not being able to pick DD up after surgery. She is doing much better with walking holding hands and she can climb down off my lap, but she can't climb up yet, so I know it will be a struggle when she wants me to pick her up and I can't. I'm not sure DH realizes how much he is going to need to do for her.

ngarciabyu · October 2017

This is baby #3 for us. DS1 was only 19 months when DS2 was born. So he really didn't understand what was happening. We just introduced him when we came home from the hospital. He liked to give his baby brother a pacifier and pat his head, but other than that he really had no interest. Now that I'm pregnant with DD, DS1 is going to be 6 and DS2 is 4. Both of them seem to fully understand what is happening and are excited. We talk about things they are looking forward to, like holding and rocking the baby. How we have to be gentle, and just how babies need a lot of attention at the beginning. They seem to understand. DS1 is fascinated by my pregnancy and REALLY wants to go see me at the hospital. So both boys will get a couple of big brother shirts as gifts before they come meet her. I will probably have DH or my mom bring them after I've had some time to recover, a good chance to nurse and shower. That way I have the energy to really enjoy their first interactions.

skc040512 · October 2017

@ngarciabyu That's good to hear...DD will be right at 20 months, and she seems to *kinda* understand...as in she points to my stomach and says "baby" all the time, brings me her baby dolls to sit on top of the baby, ETC. I have a feeling she's expecting a new baby doll to come home though lol.

kaylawing · October 2017

Great thread- I was going to start something similar! I've been so worried about this because our daughters will only be 19 months apart. My daughter has no idea that there is a baby coming and I am not sure there is any way to really prepare her at all. We tell her there is a baby in my belly, but she has not idea what we are talking about. I'm mostly worried about giving her enough attention in those early weeks when I'm breastfeeding 24/7. Like @cait5413 I am open to any tips from other STM with kiddos close in age.

disneyfan0511 · October 2017

This is #3 for me. With DD2 my DD1 had just turned two. She was not impressed with her sisters arrival and wanted nothing to do with her for about a month. Now, they are inseparable- ages 4 and 6. I think it's really important to maintain an individual relationship with your older children when the little one comes into the house. I've already promised both girls mommy dates - we'll go get lunch or manicures - after baby arrives. They are both really excited for their baby brother, and I have big sibling bags for both of them. When DD2 was born I had the bag come from the baby, but I'm not doing it this time. It's coming from DH and I. I honestly think that will be more meaningful to them. They both picked out a gift to give their brother as well. Just something small. The more involved they are the better - I have both excited about being my helper for the baby and they can't wait .

bb89012 · October 2017

DD1 will be just shy of 2 when DD2 comes so she too doesn’t really fully understand. BUT- were really lucky also that she’s super into pretend play and loves playing with her ‘baby dolls’ and is also super into helping with things in general. We have been talking to her about the baby so she somewhat knows there’s a baby in there and practiced hugging and patting her nice on my belly. I also ask her things like, ‘are you going to share these toys with your baby sister?’ ‘do you think your baby sister will like x.y.z.?’ Etc. We also call her by and taught DD1 her name. I bought a cute book called Im A Big Sister. I do like the idea of a gift for DD1 from the baby because I know she’d be into that and remembers things like that VERY well when someone does or gives her something. Otherwise, honestly I just don’t think there’s anything else that we could do, especially given her age.

tmk0325 · October 2017

@cait5413
Yup in exactly the same boat... Both boys say baby and point to my stomach, but they really don't know what is going on. I'm also thinking we'll have the repeat C (we have the option, it's scheduled but if I go earlier I may try to vbac), so I'm not sure how that'll work with two toddlers that need to be held, etc. I also do not think my SO has any idea what he's in for as well. Good idea with the present, I should get them a little something like a book or toy.

ameliabedelia-2 · October 2017

DD is 3 and seems to understand there is a baby coming. We read her books about being a big sister every night. We tell her he is coming to live with us when it's Christmas time, and she will make comments when she sees Christmas decor at Costco that it's almost time for baby brother to be here. We will have her come up to the hospital ASAP as long as everything is good with me and the baby. We are going to make an effort to do 1 on 1 activities with her so she doesn't feel like she's taken a back seat to the baby. Other than that, we are just playing it by ear.

failuretofly · October 2017

Is anyone else freaking out about bed time?? We have such a regimented bed time routine that I love I cannot fathom how I am going to make it work with 2!!

cait5413 · October 2017

@failuretofly I actually haven't been that worried about this, at least not at first. DD goes to bed at 7, but when she was a newborn, we didn't really put her to bed until about 10 (and then she still woke up every few hours), so at first we'll definitely be prioritizing DD's bed routine and baby can wait. Now, as baby gets older, I am sure it will be more challenging, but for the first couple months, I think it will be ok. DH and I usually tag team--he fills her tub, I bathe her, he gets her out. When it's time for bed, I do most of the routine and he puts her in the crib these days, so we're not both usually hands-on, which means one of us can be on baby duty. I may be underestimating the struggle, but at first I think it will be ok, as long as the baby crying doesn't wake up DD. She's a pretty good sleeper, though, and the baby will be in our room at first, which is on the other side of the house, so again, I anticipate this being more of an issue a couple months in.

eazybreezy225 · October 2017

This is baby #4 for us. All three of my girls are very excited. We plan on introducing them to the new baby the same way we have with our other births.
My mom is watching them while we are in the hospital, and when we are ready (same day as the birth, but later in the day) she will bring them all over to meet the new baby.
It's always really fun to see their excitement and wonder as they hold the baby (with adult assistance).
The hardest part will be after we are home, and the excitement has worn off, and grandma goes home.... it's pretty common for siblings to go through a phase of jealousy or acting out.... And a lot of the time it isn't anything major, just maybe extra crying/whining or sibling quarrels increase. I found the best way to combat it is to use a lot of positive reinforcement... "you are such a big helper for getting mommy a diaper. High five!" .... we also do a designated time for each sibling, one on one, when baby is asleep. Usually it's only 5-10 minutes per kid, but it makes a huge difference. We do a small craft or play together or read a favorite story.

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