Visitors After Birth

dragonfly87-2 · October 2017

I know we discussed this a long time ago, but the group has changed and now that we are getting closer to due dates, I figured some people's plans have likely changed.

So let's hear it ladies, what are your plans for visitors in the first few weeks after birth:

-At the hospital
-At home
-Family coming in town/staying at your place

dragonfly87-2 · October 2017

We are still working through this as a couple. I would prefer no visitors for the first 24 hours after birth. I am a really private person who gets drained by being around people. I really want DH and I to have a day to bond with our little girl, rest and just be on our own (plus the hospital staff obviously). After that, I would be fine with some people visiting the hospital on day 2. For the first week, I would like to limit visits to short spurts and mostly just his family and maybe my friend (my family lives out of town). My parents are wanting to come into town for 2 weeks to help out, about a week after she is born. I appreciate the offer of help, but I am trying to balance it with my mother can be very overwhelming. DH and I are getting close to being on the same page...but our families are another issue.

His mother wants to go to the hospital once I am in labor. It is clear that she cannot be in the delivery room, but I am sure she will want to see our daughter right after the golden hour (our hospital requires 1 hour of just the baby and parents). While I can appreciate the excitement, it just isn't what I want. My mom told me that it is "unappreciative" and somewhat "rude" to say no visitors on the first day because people will be excited to meet our baby. I can totally understand that...but it is our baby and for goodness sake...labor is going to be work. I just don't feel comfortable being exhausted, half naked, likely un-showered and trying to learn how to breastfeed with a ton of people around.

I plan to stand my ground (and DH supports it), but it really irks me that my own mother (and I am anticipating his too) is trying to guilt me into thinking guests have to see our daughter just hours after she is born. I nicely told my mom, when you had your children, you got to decide. It is our child, our decision.

I am sure this will not be the last conversation though...

laura3+2 · October 2017

It's getting to be flu season, and I don't like germs so thinking no visitors! Our hospital will have a flu ban in place, so I won't have to worry about hospital visitors. Our parents can come see her once we're home, but we don't plan on going to Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas this year. I'm normally not this paranoid, but I just don't want her exposed (passed around) to a bunch of germy people.

sml1982 · October 2017

My husband and parents will be in the delivery room. We have asked everyone else not to visit until after 24 hours or after we come home.

kaitlinliz · October 2017

We are allowing visitors at the hospital because our families live 2 hours away so if they come they're definitely allowed to visit. However, once we go home I'm asking for no visitors because DH leaves for 6 weeks just 2 weeks after our EDD. I want our family to bond before he leaves. While he's gone I'm going to have people staying with me to help out so they'll be able to bond then.

littlemissc17 · October 2017

@dragonfly87-2 I’m sorry you’re mom is acting that way and making it difficult for you. You’re probably right when you say that won’t be the end of it. I think people forget who’s baby it is sometimes! Good for you for standing your ground. It’s not an unreasonable request at all! When I had my last daughter, I told my mom I just wanted it to be my H and I in the delivery room and she said if she couldn’t be in the delivery room then she wasn’t coming at all. I told her that was her choice. Moms and their guilt trips!

littlemissc17 · October 2017

DH and my close family and DD1 (age 11) will likely be up there for the labor part and some will stay to visit after baby is born. I’m fine with close family coming to the hospital after baby is born as long as they are healthy. His parents will be bringing DD2 up to visit while we are in the hospital. We will be having a birthday party for DD2 one week after my EDD so family and really close friends will be able to see baby then.

cwalker042 · October 2017

I don't mind visitors. We live 4.5 hours away from family so we won't be getting many. However, my MIL is planning to come down the week before my due date to be able to take care of our son while I'm in the hospital. My FIL, SIL, her husband and their kids are coming down for Thanksgiving; 2 days before my due date. I'm hoping I go while they are all here so they can meet our baby. It doesn't bother me one bit to have visitors at the hospital or at home. When I was in the hospital for our son, 2 years ago, I had a ton of visitors right after I delivered. When I was discharged, I came home to a house full of family cooking out for the 4th of July. Didn't bother me one bit. I enjoyed the company.

MaximumEffort · October 2017

Lucky our hospital doesn't allow young visitors who aren't brother/sister so my nephew won't be able to come visit and frankly, I don't want him to visit our house right away either. In hospital visitors are a little different for us because one of our parents will have DD and I can't bear to make her sad not seeing us, and our parents can bring us food

our hospital also requires a password to get in to visit, I don't think we will have to keep it a secret but it's an option and so is telling the staff that visitors are not welcome.

DDs birthday is close to the due date so we will be having a party for her but no one's going to be handling the baby. I'm even getting DH to get his flu and tDap vaccine for the first time in forever.

Another thing is letting us, the parents, be the ones to announce it on social media. I get grandparents and family get excited but it's our news.

mymulligan · October 2017

I'm pretty lucky in that our local family is pretty awesome and respectful (in laws). My MIL will have DD so they will definitely come by shortly after delivery so DD can meet her brother. ILs came last time but stayed a short time. My SIL also came but i would guess it will depend on timing (weekend v weekday).
a good friend of mine is also scheduled for a RCS the Same day at the same hospital so I could see a few of our mutual friends dropping in to say hi which would be fun.
as for my family, my sister is planning a visit for early January. I still need to work it out with my dad. He would like to come right after baby's born but I don't want that. I'm hoping he will just come for a few Days at Christmas, which he normally does.

mymulligan · October 2017

@dragonfly87-2 I'm sorry the Moms are being so selfish and difficult. Stick to your guns. You will never get this time back but I promise they will get over it. Do what is best for you.
its times like this that I Am glad I am estranged from my toxic mother.

MKMandeville · October 2017

At the hospital it will first be DD and whoever has her either my parents or MIL.

At home we will allow friends and family for short visits as long as they aren't sick and are up to date on vaccinations (mainly the whopping cough one).

My MIL is driving in from out of state on Tuesday (36+1) and plans on staying to help out with DD for a little while after baby girl #2 comes. Which I am incredibly grateful that she has to flexibility to do so but if the doctors are wrong with their estimate of me not making it past 37 weeks this is going to be a long month. Also,my MIL doesn't believe in vaccines and thinks essential oils will cure all so she is going to have a rude awakening when I don't let her care for the new baby.

curiousfool1 · October 2017

This has been the biggest battle of the pregnancy so far. Of family on both sides, the only ones who live remotely close are my in-laws (2hrs away). Assuming the baby does not come early, they will be coming down to our house to care for our dog once I go into labor. They'll either come to the hospital to meet the baby or will meet the baby when we bring him/her home, but they are not staying (yet). They'll come for 2 weeks to help around the house at a later date, still TBD because my family cannot decide when to come.

One hard and fast rule: if you're visiting us for longer than 2 hours, you must be up to date on TDAP and flu vaccines. I've already been sick once this pregnancy, which hardened my resolve on this. No vaccine, no visit. Period.

My family all live at least 9 hours away. My mother initially insisted on arriving immediately after the baby is born but, like @dragonfly87-2, she is a very high-maintenance person. Her visit is complicated by the fact that she recently started seeing a new beau. It has become very serious, very quickly, and she set down the ultimatum that she will not come unless he is allowed to accompany her. My husband has not met him; I've met him only once at my baby shower. He seems nice enough, but ... quite frankly he is a stranger, and I'm not comfortable having a stranger stay in my house at a time when my family is particularly vulnerable (not to mention, trying to learn how to breastfeed). Also, he smokes - a major, major no-no for me. We finally reached a compromise this week. My EDD is 11/5. If the baby is early or on-time, my mother, her beau, and my baby sister will come for Thanksgiving. If the baby is late, the group needs to wait at least 2 weeks before visiting.

My dad will come for a long weekend in November sometime, and then will come back in December around Christmas to bring my Grammy to meet the baby.

My sister will come for Thanksgiving. I have no idea if my sisters-in-law have any plans to come visit. They each visited eachother when they had kids, though my husband did not visit his middle sister (she lives a 6hr flight away). We happened to live in the same town as his eldest sister when each of her kids were born, and were the family members on-call to take care of the older kids when she went into labor.

DungeonTrollMel · October 2017

Thankfully both our families have been very respectful of "this is your time and you tell us what you want". H is adamant only us in the delivery room. My parents live out of state and will try and be here for the birth if possible/as soon after and will stay about a week. H's family wants to get them first visitation since it's my parents first grandchild and hey have several already. They will probably come down for Canada after my parents leave for a few days as well. Im hoping for a little bit of space in between those visits just to reset but holidays can make that difficult.

dragonfly87-2 · October 2017

mymulligan Thanks for the encouragement. I love my mom, but she can be overly dramatic and way too emotionally invested. I agree she will get over it, I just wish she didn't have to be this way every time things like this come up.

littlemissc17 I agree...people definitely forget it is not their child being born and assume because they are excited, they have a right to do things. It is so frustrating that setting boundaries somehow becomes rude. I think people also forget that the mother's in particular are going through a lot after giving birth and that it is easy to get stressed or overwhelmed. Their desire to help may seem nice, but most just want to see the baby...which isn't always the most helpful.

Furmommy · October 2017

I don't know if we're even telling people that we are going into the hospital... I feel bad kind of because I know our family loves us and is excited (first grandkid on my side, second on DH but the first is 2 months old). I just know my dad will come down and be waiting in the waiting room (which is right next to the delivery rooms) and I just want to be able to relax after the baby comes and try and breastfeed without a bunch of people there wanting to hold the baby... But after a couple of hours I'll be ready. My dad lives about 1.5 hours away and mom lives 45 minutes away so it's not like its far for them to drive either.... maybe I'm being selfish though. For sure no one but DH and I in the delivery room while it's all happening.

Airynn Chica · October 2017

I don’t mind visitors. Where our first two were born you could only have visitors at 10, 2, and 7pm and only people over 12 no exceptions (not even siblings). I was so bored! Your DH isn’t considered a visitor too! I’m great with visitors at the hospital and at home. We will be going to Thanksgiving when the LO is 7days old but I’m thinking I will babywear and not let people hold the LO without washing hands. I wasn’t picky about hand washing with the other 2 but it wasn’t Michigan flu season either!

Karrotelle · October 2017

No visitors other than my parents, my inlaws and our 2 children at the hospital. Once we are home only our siblings (the Aunts & Uncles) will be invited to visit for the first couple weeks. Once we are settled in, we will invite Friends and extended family, but we aren’t having hoards of people visiting until after their first immunization at 2 months.

happybride 276 · October 2017

The first time around I let everyone come see us in the hospital snap at home whenever they wanted. I also had my DH and parents in the delivery room with us. This time will be different. I really want the birthing experience to be shared with DH and I only. Having my parents there took away some of the intimacy and bonding the first time. I will have to have my mom come to the hospital some time after baby is born (she’s keeping DS1). This also means that my DH will not be ok with his parents not coming. Besides a small set of other close friends I don’t want anyone to visit us at the hospital or at home. I will definitely be more comfortable saying when someone can and can’t come. It was too stressful the first time. I felt like we were running through visitors the first week or two and it way overwhelming. After a few weeks nobody wanted to visit so why stress myself out so early on?

mamioftwo93 · October 2017

We will probably have our room under anonymous like we did with DS. My mother & mother-In-Law will alternate in keeping our son. We Don't want the whole bloodline there, just immediate family bc we will definitely need rest! Same As last time Both of Our parents will probably be there the day/night she's born. Most likely my grandfather may come a day or two later..My Co workers may even pop a head in being that we all work in the same hospital I'm having her lol. Once we go home I know we'll have to stress a schedule for anyone else to come visit bc again we'll need rest...We Don't plan on driving around to reach out to those who won't be able to see her though, that's just too much for us. They'll understand.

missrekaeagle · October 2017

For the most part we wil do what we did 7 years ago with DD. DH will be in the operating room with me. My parents will be in the waiting room. My sister will come a few hours later because she's taking DD to school. My in-laws will come about 24 hours later to the hospital. During the first few weeks, only the above listed people will come to our home. We don't normally have visitors anyway. Everyone else will see photos and meet baby at a sip and see in the spring since we opted out of a baby shower.

DungeonTrollMel · October 2017

I know at my hospital, when you sign in, they give you the option to list in the registry for people to come visit, or you can list only the people you are allowing to see. This is something to look into if you don't want undue visitors stopping by

fishakris · October 2017

My in-laws are traveling from quite a distance, but thankfully they offered to stay in a hotel. My folks are in the area, so not a big deal for them to pop in. I'm a pretty private person so I'm a bit worried I'll hurt some feelings by just wanting it to be DH and I. This is our first so I want us to lean on eachother. Also, my FIL is extremely self centered so we'll see how he handles not being in the lime light. I don't really want hospital visitors or friends coming by for a few weeks. I'll be doing a c-section so I know there's a recovery period. Just want to be gentle I on how I tell people...

@dragonfly87-2 I can relate so much to your post. Very much in the same boat.

foxaírt · October 2017

We have a pretty small family even when branched out to extended and not many friends that would expect to come visit immediatly so i imagine hubby will inform our parents and siblings when bub arrives and depends on how long we stay. We may go home early and not have any visitors in the hospital . If that is the case we could be at my parents or my in laws anyway or go home to our house . Depending on the time of birth both sets of parents will likely come that day or the following and our siblings likely will visit in the following days depending on their free time. If we go to our house it's 2 hours away so visitors may be more spread out .
And most everyone else will wait till Christmas and get by on photos .
We will likely make the effort to go and see my aunt and uncle when I feel up to it. Or have them come to visit us at my parents. They generiously bought us the car seat

None of these people put pressure on us to be presentable or to host them in any way and I will love seeing my nieces and nephews and having them meet their cousin which they are jumping out of their skin to see
It'll all be pretty relaxed and Noone is going to force their way in uninvited or imposing .
We will be left mostly to settle in as a new family and do our own thing . We aren't even expected at Christmas but will make the effort

samsterrr · October 2017

I'm a very social person so seeing my friends helps me and makes me feel more like myself and energized so I'll have them come visit for a short time in the hospital if they ask, if not they will come over when we get home(since I'm hoping for a short stay) My SO however gets pretty overwhelmed so he may just retreat to the room when they are over which is fine with me. Most family will wait until we visit for thanksgiving day to meet the baby so I don't have to worry there.

DungeonTrollMel · October 2017

All of a sudden now my SIL (H's sister) is bombarding me about coming down to visit when the baby is still a newborn. That would mean three sets of visitors back to back who stay at our house. I'm about to get overwheed we will never have time to ourselves to recover and adjust. And especially if she brings her two kids under 2. I feel like our original plan of "making sure every one can be involved" is about to bite me in the ass

YesOuiCan · October 2017

I think the only people who will visit in the hospital will be my parents. (They live about 2.5 hours away, so fairly easy to drive up quickly.) My mother offered to help out around the house with cleaning & cooking so we can focus on the baby, so I think we'll have her stay with us for a couple/few days, but I'm not 100% sure. Our place is pretty small and I don't want it to feel too crowded, but it would be nice to have her help and it would mean a lot to her. My in-laws have said they'd like to come whenever we're ready for them. I wouldn't mind them coming up immediately, but they're about 6 hours away so I'm not sure if they would make it to the hospital. There's absolutely no way we could host them along with my mother, but if they wanted to get a hotel or AirBNB, I'd love to have them nearby. I don't expect any other early visitors. My brothers aren't the type to make a special trip just to visit me, and friends will probably wait until we're all settled. Besides, we're due the day after Thanksgiving so if we're close to on time, most people will have their own family stuff and/or travel going on!

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