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STM+ Toddler Question

jesrudejesrude member
in December 2017 Moms
Hi all,  This isn't a baby related question.  It is a toddler/kid related question.  

So.... I'm going to put this out there and see what y'all come with.

We have been having issues with Hudson playing by himself. He doesn't or won't. He has plenty of toys, and toys he likes. We carefully edit out toys he isn't drawn to every few months. We encourage him to play with his toys and use them. His toys are in his room, he is allowed to bring them out and play with them in family space. But he REFUSES to play with his toys in any regard, whether in his room or out in the family room.

In a moment of likely parental break, I took all but some coloring books and legos away from him and told him we were donating them to someone who would use them. Probably not my finest moment, and I'm sure some will have thoughts on this that they internalize and hold against me or vocalize.

But what do we do?!?! We try no technology. We try having a plan or schedule for playing with toys and technology. But that hasn't worked either.

Have any of you ever dealt with this? Do you have any recommendations on what we should do?
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Re: STM+ Toddler Question

  • darkfyredarkfyre member
    When all he had was Legos and coloring books did he play more? I find that my 5 yo plays more and more deeply the less he has to choose from. Maybe you need to edit more. (without threat or judgemet
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  • failuretoflyfailuretofly member
    I find B (20m) plays independently better when I myself and busy doing something. And I mean doing (cooking, cleaning, something physical) rather than when I am sitting using my computer or phone. He is also more likely to need me to play with him when he is hungry or tired. 
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  • elcd458elcd458 member
    Does he play with toys etc. as long as you are also interacting with him (as if he just wants to make sure you are paying attention/watching what he is doing)?  Or does it seem more like he comes to you because he can't figure out what to do with them without instruction/guidance (as if he has not quite mastered the concept of imaginative play)? 

    My niece was very much scenario A and I think it was just her social personality.   Even now 7 years later she will come up with things to do quietly on her own, but still needs to "check in" with someone every few minutes for some feedback/acknowledgement/conversation about whatever it is she is doing.  
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  • sjissjis member
    My DD is 3 1/2 years old and has been playing great on her own for quite awhile, but this wasn't always the case. I'm terrible at imaginative play and dread when DD asks to play with her. I do sometimes but tell her that mommy has to work or clean/cook and then she takes over. 
    I've found that telling her that mommy is busy, cleaning or cooking will make her play on her own. Yes, she will complain for awhile but I ignore it as best I can. 

    Also perhaps making a small corner or toy table where he feels invited to play in the family space might make him play on his own better. We have a small bookshelf out in our living area with organized books and toys, Montessori style. DD loves it. 
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  • jesrudejesrude member
    Thank you ladies!

    @darkfyre he hasn't had limited input very long, just a couple of days. He wants to be right next to me at all times.  He will choose chores over playing if it means he is next to me or within reach of me.

    @failuretofly it doesn't matter if I'm busy or relaxing, he wants constant, non-stop attention.  We started, yesterday, setting a timer for independent play and letting him know that once the timer was done and he had successfully played independently we would play with him.

    @elcd458 I think he has a VERY social personality.  Whereas I am pretty introverted especially in my "space" i.e. home.  He has no fear of strangers and will talk to anyone who will listen.

    @sjjs we have a little toy chest for him in the family room, but no one can be doing anything else if he is playing or he disengages from his play to involve himself with whatever another person is doing, even if they are quietly reading.

    I think for me that is the frustrating part, he constantly has to have interaction and it leads to my patience being spent rather quickly.  This was a HUGE concern of mine when I found out I was expecting him. I'm happy to play, but I'm not the best at imaginative play or setting up a scenario for him to extend on.  And I simply cannot occupy him all. the. time.  It sets him up for unreal expectations in others and solidifies that he is the only person that matters inside and outside the home, which will help no one.  Especially him.  

    My ex sees him very infrequently at my parents house where he (my ex) has no responsibilities and can be at my son's beckon call, and is.  And my son doesn't understand why all adults don't play with him like that.  I try to explain that we are happy to play with him, it just can't be all the time as we have responsibilities too, like making our family food, paying our bills, cleaning our house, etc. 

    Maybe we need to see someone about it because it's been going on for so long now and I'm literally at my wits end about it.
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  • elcd458elcd458 member
    @jesrude  Not sure where you are located but I'd look into a "mother's morning out" group/event (often times these are hosted by churches or other community centers) or any kind of play date or situation you might be in that could put DS around other kiddos. This could hopefully get him used to the idea that there are other people to hang with besides mommy, which could be especially helpful once your new LO is old enough to interact with him.  Before you know it the two of them will be entertaining one another.  :)

    My niece, the same one I mentioned above, was the firstborn and spent several years as the only kiddo in the family and I think that made it hard for her to register that grown ups have other things to do besides play-- because grown ups were the only people around or paying any attention to her (and the attention had to be constant!)-- other kids were like a foreign concept until she went to preschool.  Full disclosure, she also ended up being (legitimately) diagnosed with ADHD and we often wonder if that was partially why she could never seem to entertain herself when younger. (Your DS is way, way too young right now for that to be on your radar so I don't want you to worry about that!)
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  • jesrudejesrude member
    thank you @elcd458.  I think this will ring true for my son too, not necessarily the ADHD part, I just attribute his energy and lack of focus to age and being a very busy boy.  I try not to let people say things like "oh he must be ADHD or things of the like". Because I think some of kids being kids comes off that way to people that just don't want to deal with having kids around or think kids are too much.  And i see how my complaints could come off that way right now, but I literally have no free time without him attached at my hip.  Which is very different than a stranger interacting with him for less than a day.
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  • tmk0325tmk0325 member
    I was also wondering if he goes to daycare or if you do any type of group activities with him and does he socialize then with other kids? Not sure how old your son is either, but you mentioned he seems pretty social. So maybe it isn't just attention from you he craves but attention in general?  
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  • jesrudejesrude member
    @tmk0325 he goes to daycare full-time as we both work full-time.  he will be 5 next friday
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