Best Friend and Her New Baby

southernbelle8686 · October 2016

Hello,

I wasn't sure where to post this.

I had a late term loss about a year ago and it has been a struggle. Shortly after my loss, my best friend became pregnant on accident; not that it's relevant, but I guess I have some resentment (which I know is my issue). In any case, even with the way I was feeling, I put on her baby shower. I didn't want to, I don't even go to baby showers, but I did it because she is my best friend. To add insult to injury, there were a few women at this shower who slept with my ex and I sucked it up, because it was her day.

She delivered her daughter last month and I have yet to be "allowed," to see this baby. She always has an excuse. At first I figured she just needed the time to get used to things, but its been a little over a month and she's like reclusive. I'm torn, because I'm worried that something may be wrong; but, I'm also very hurt. I spent a lot of money I didn't have to make her shower nice, to buy her daughter's take-home outfit, and have offered to do so many things for her.

At this point, I don't see much of a future in our friendship. To be honest, I really don't want this turning down the road of "you don't have a kid, so you don't understand what I'm dealing with," kind of things. To me, with child or childless, there is a certain level of appreciation, and respect, you give to people and it's not there.

Thoughts?

SaphireSweetie88 · October 2016

southernbelle8686 said:

Hello,

I wasn't sure where to post this.

I had a late term loss about a year ago and it has been a struggle. Shortly after my loss, my best friend became pregnant on accident; not that it's relevant, but I guess I have some resentment (which I know is my issue). In any case, even with the way I was feeling, I put on her baby shower. I didn't want to, I don't even go to baby showers, but I did it because she is my best friend. To add insult to injury, there were a few women at this shower who slept with my ex and I sucked it up, because it was her day.

She delivered her daughter last month and I have yet to be "allowed," to see this baby. She always has an excuse. At first I figured she just needed the time to get used to things, but its been a little over a month and she's like reclusive. I'm torn, because I'm worried that something may be wrong; but, I'm also very hurt. I spent a lot of money I didn't have to make her shower nice, to buy her daughter's take-home outfit, and have offered to do so many things for her.

At this point, I don't see much of a future in our friendship. To be honest, I really don't want this turning down the road of "you don't have a kid, so you don't understand what I'm dealing with," kind of things. To me, with child or childless, there is a certain level of appreciation, and respect, you give to people and it's not there.

Thoughts?

It seems like you're hurt because of how much money you spent on her shower, etc. I am hoping I'm just reading that wrong.

Anyway, if she's your best friend - tell her how you fell and ask her if something's wrong. Then depending on her answer, decide which way you want to go.

Sarcasm101 · October 2016

southernbelle8686 said:

Hello,

I wasn't sure where to post this.

I had a late term loss about a year ago and it has been a struggle. Shortly after my loss, my best friend became pregnant on accident; not that it's relevant, but I guess I have some resentment (which I know is my issue). In any case, even with the way I was feeling, I put on her baby shower. I didn't want to, I don't even go to baby showers, but I did it because she is my best friend. To add insult to injury, there were a few women at this shower who slept with my ex and I sucked it up, because it was her day.

She delivered her daughter last month and I have yet to be "allowed," to see this baby. She always has an excuse. At first I figured she just needed the time to get used to things, but its been a little over a month and she's like reclusive. I'm torn, because I'm worried that something may be wrong; but, I'm also very hurt. I spent a lot of money I didn't have to make her shower nice, to buy her daughter's take-home outfit, and have offered to do so many things for her.

At this point, I don't see much of a future in our friendship. To be honest, I really don't want this turning down the road of "you don't have a kid, so you don't understand what I'm dealing with," kind of things. To me, with child or childless, there is a certain level of appreciation, and respect, you give to people and it's not there.

Thoughts?

First, I am very sorry for your loss.

However, I agree with PP, its sounds like you are mad you spent a lot of money and she isnt acting the way you want her to. Have you called her and asked her how she is doing?

This woman is your best friend, I am shocked that you are willing to throw that away over such minor things. It also sounds like you are projecting your own issues on to her.

southernbelle8686 · October 2016

It's not about the money. The only issue I have with the money is doing something for someone who is ungrateful. If she were appreciative, I'd have no issues. To me, it's like "thanks for giving me what I wanted, catch you later."

southernbelle8686 · October 2016

Without getting into a backstory that's pages long. When I found out I was pregnant, my best friend told me "i'm not going to tell you congratulations." She then proceeded to encourage me into getting an abortion, because she didn't think I was making the correct choice - I'm 29. So as far as her being a supportive friend, that's questionable. I've been friends with her since we were 14 and I've always been there for her; no matter what. When I have needed her, she's no where to be found, and we've had this discussion in the past and she shuts me down when I explain to her where I'm coming from. I put that aside and sucked it up, to be a good friend.

Secondly, when someone that you care about treats you badly, and you still continue to be there for them; how am I the one that's in the wrong here? Because, I'm upset about spending thousands of dollars on someone who doesn't appreciate it?

Also, I don't think it's a minor thing to be upset when someone constantly dumps on you. I think you have it backwards, maybe I should have been more detailed.

Sarcasm101 · October 2016

southernbelle8686 said:

Without getting into a backstory that's pages long. When I found out I was pregnant, my best friend told me "i'm not going to tell you congratulations." She then proceeded to encourage me into getting an abortion, because she didn't think I was making the correct choice - I'm 29. So as far as her being a supportive friend, that's questionable. I've been friends with her since we were 14 and I've always been there for her; no matter what. When I have needed her, she's no where to be found, and we've had this discussion in the past and she shuts me down when I explain to her where I'm coming from. I put that aside and sucked it up, to be a good friend.

Secondly, when someone that you care about treats you badly, and you still continue to be there for them; how am I the one that's in the wrong here? Because, I'm upset about spending thousands of dollars on someone who doesn't appreciate it?

Also, I don't think it's a minor thing to be upset when someone constantly dumps on you. I think you have it backwards, maybe I should have been more detailed.

Nowhere in your original post did you say anything about her not being appreciative or grateful for your shower or gifts. And it was your choice to spend thousands of dollars. I think you might be changing your tune a bit.

If she has been being a bad friend for years then cut the cord. But where I have issue is saying you don't see a future with your friend because she has been MIA for a few weeks, especially after just having a baby.

southernbelle8686 · October 2016

How am I changing my tune? Because, it wasn't my first thought to complain about how ungrateful someone is? Sorry, I don't go around pointing out how crappy people are; but, obviously it was necessary to show where I'm coming from. Also, my issue is her being MIA from me; not everyone else. Thanks for the advice though, you're a peach.

SaphireSweetie88 · October 2016

southernbelle8686 said:

Without getting into a backstory that's pages long. When I found out I was pregnant, my best friend told me "i'm not going to tell you congratulations." She then proceeded to encourage me into getting an abortion, because she didn't think I was making the correct choice - I'm 29. So as far as her being a supportive friend, that's questionable. I've been friends with her since we were 14 and I've always been there for her; no matter what. When I have needed her, she's no where to be found, and we've had this discussion in the past and she shuts me down when I explain to her where I'm coming from. I put that aside and sucked it up, to be a good friend.

Secondly, when someone that you care about treats you badly, and you still continue to be there for them; how am I the one that's in the wrong here? Because, I'm upset about spending thousands of dollars on someone who doesn't appreciate it?

Also, I don't think it's a minor thing to be upset when someone constantly dumps on you. I think you have it backwards, maybe I should have been more detailed.

1. If she treats you badly (like you say), why the heck are you still giving her the time of day.
2. Why spend so much money on someone like that (if what you say about her is true)? You know what type of person she is after 15 years (if you're 29 and became friends at 14). No offense but it seems like that one is on you. You should have expected she may not show appreciation.

southernbelle8686 said:

How am I changing my tune? Because, it wasn't my first thought to complain about how ungrateful someone is? Sorry, I don't go around pointing out how crappy people are; but, obviously it was necessary to show where I'm coming from. Also, my issue is her being MIA from me; not everyone else. Thanks for the advice though, you're a peach.

Seems like you're changing your tune because you are now getting defensive and telling us bad things about her after our responses. All the things you're saying now about her s/ details you're providing seem like they're in attempt to change our minds / responses. I don't know why you wouldn't have included this information right away if it were true. Also, SHE JUST HAD A BABY!

AmandaKess · September 2017

First of all: I'm really sorry for your loss.

Sorry OP, but why are you picking fights? Did you expect everyone to just automatically agree with you? Because without the added context you've given in later posts your friend really doesn't come off as being ungrateful or unreasonable at all. It's "been a month" and she's "reclusive"? She JUST had a baby OP. Did you ever consider than maybe these "excuses" are actually valid reasons why she can't spend time with you right now? The fact that you're jumping to saying there's no future in your friendship of over a decade and assuming that she's going to start holding the fact that you don't have children over your head really seemed like projecting until you added the extra context, so, the PPs really weren't out of line at all to suggest that.

All of that being said, if this woman has really been a horrible friend, doesn't support you, takes but never gives, etc., then you should end the friendship (and honestly I don't know why you've waited this long). However, based on what you've said here I would really take a long, hard look inward and consider if the trauma you're clearly still dealing with is influencing your feelings. If you see this as the last straw, fine, but if this is all based on your best best friend of 15 years being MIA for a month after having her first child I truly think you're being unreasonable.

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