Doula and Husband. Help me

gymmonkey95 · August 2017

I know for some it may seem early to start planning for the birth but I am wanting a Doula. My Husband is against it because he would rather fly his Mom, who was a Doula, out instead of paying for one. His only reasoning is that my Mom was here for our daughters birth while he was deployed. I understand where he's coming from but is it really too much to ask for family to not be there? Is compromising to have his Mom out here and having a Doula such a bad thing? Also what would you do in this situation? I'm really just wanting it to be us as a family and the Doula but he is insistent that his Mom comes out here. Thanks for your input ladies!

julievdm12 · August 2017

I'm assuming from what you said this is the first birth he will be able to be with you during. Maybe try explaining to him how important this moment is for you and that while you know that his mom is capable of being a doula, that you're worried she may not be able to give you two the space you need to enjoy your moment just the two of you, while a doula who is not a relation would probably better be able to take a step back and give space.

just my two cents.

jessilee15 · August 2017

Kinda need more info...why do you want a doula? Why do you not want his mom there if she was there before?

my initial thought is - if she's free and she was helpful last time, then I don't see why you would not use her again if you want a doula. If you want just to have it be you and your husband (which is what I want), then I don't understand why you would pay for a doula. I get your husband's confusion.

Ashoes123 · August 2017

I'm guessing since his mom was there the first time (in the room?) and you'd still prefer to have a different doula, then there was something about the experience with his mom that you didn't enjoy. Doulas are pretty pricey so I can see where your husband is coming from. It might help to really articulate to your husband what you didn't like about the first experience and what your looking for with a doula. Also, if it were me and we ended up paying a doula and not using MIL, I would keep it a secret from everyone else and said we decided against a doula altogether. That way no ones feelings get hurt. Also, keep in mind that the experience with a doula might not live up to what your expectations are regardless, which is kind what happened to me.

sabriel1 · August 2017

Based on my reading HIS mom was not there the first time but HERS was so he wants his mom this time to be fair.

I agree with @julievdm12 that a doula and his mom acting as a doula are two totally different things as it would be much more difficult for MIL to step back and have the moment be for just the baby and parents. I'm also considering a doula this time around but would never consider my mom or MIL because the doula I assume will be just like the midwife and be able to step back when appropriate

TattoosandLace · August 2017

sabriel1 said:

Based on my reading HIS mom was not there the first time but HERS was so he wants his mom this time to be fair.

I agree with @julievdm12 that a doula and his mom acting as a doula are two totally different things as it would be much more difficult for MIL to step back and have the moment be for just the baby and parents. I'm also considering a doula this time around but would never consider my mom or MIL because the doula I assume will be just like the midwife and be able to step back when appropriate

Sabriel1 said my thoughts exactly.

jessilee15 · August 2017

Yes - my mistake! I was confused because I thought his mom was present the first time already, and I thought your mom might be upset. I think it would be hard to have your MIL as a doula...but it would be hard to hire one if she was offering to do it for free. What is it you are hoping a doula can do?

Ashoes123 · August 2017

Ohhh I misread it too. Yeah I would also NOT want a MIL in the room with us during labor, not even my own mom unless my DH was unavailable. I still think you should keep it a secret between you and your DH if you hire a doula though.

gymmonkey95 · August 2017

I'm so sorry for the confusion ladies!! It was MY mom in the room because my Husband was deployed. I hope the following helps!

@jessilee15 and @Ashoes123 I'm wanting the emotional and hands on physical support. I know the person that I'm considering as a Doula so it wouldn't be a complete stranger. I'm honestly not sure how well my hubs will be able to support me and having our almost 18mo in the room it would just give me that extra comfort of having someone who's job is to support mom.

It would cost more to fly his Mom out than it would to hire the Doula! I honestly don't want family because I want to be able to enjoy that moment together 1) that we didn't have with our first but 2) that anyone should get to have with all of their kids. I don't know MIL very well and I know I would be uncomfortable but he keeps saying how its unfair that my Mom was here even though it was only because he wasn't.

TattoosandLace · August 2017

I might be a bitch, but....
your labor, your rules. MIL can go fly a kite. DH is going to have to come to terms with the fact that if you aren't comfortable with the people in the room (ie MIL), then labor will be more stressful for you.
No way in hell (given what you've shared) that he should think MIL can act as a doula for you. And if he's just on the wanting to be "fair" because your mom was there last* time around, tell him that his mom can be present for his vasectomy.

TattoosandLace · August 2017

Okay. Don't actually tell him that. That was mean. But everything else I stand behind.

jessilee15 · August 2017

I'm a military wife too - my stance would be that what's not fair is he had to miss the first birth. No one could take his place, but you made do with your mom. It's not a matter of making the situation equal - his job precluded that. Now he needs to understand that he has no clue what you're going to be going through. It might also help to make him uncomfortable and point out that his mom would see your vagina. And possibly pooping on the table. Ask how he'd feel if your mom got to assist on his vasectomy because she used to work at a doctor's office.

Men who have never been there don't get it. It's not their fault, they just can't understand how intrusive it can feel if it's not someone you're 100% comfortable with

ash0625 · August 2017

Yeah the "fair" argument doesn't cut it for me. Sounds like DH needs a quick reminder of "fair" when it comes to creating life. I agree with @TattoosandLace - you're labor your rules.

Also, it's awfully strange to think the birth of your second child is a way for his mom to play catch up to your mom and being present for life events. I'd think a perspective change would be in order real quick.

gymmonkey95 · August 2017

@TattoosandLace I actually love that! I did bring up the fact that I'm the one laboring so it should be my choice!

@jessilee15 yes that is exactly what I'll have to do. I don't think I should compromise just so I don't have to worry about it being held over me!
I honestly didn't even think about the whole vasectomy idea until I read it from the both of you!!

magnolia305 · August 2017

@gymmonkey95 I agree with the ladies here--hold your ground. You didn't get that special moment with DH with the birth for your first, I wouldn't want to take it away with this birth just so your MIL can be there.

Peanut1128 · August 2017

My MIL and FIL were in the delivery room most of the day with my first. I felt very uncomfortable but didn't speak up, I will not allow that to happen again. We never talked about it beforehand and I think they thought I wanted the company, so this time I will be more clear. I understand your husband wanting his mom to be included, but it's your body doing the labor and feeling uncomfortable when your already in pain, etc is not worth it. Maybe she could come out and watch your 18 month old while your in labor?

babymakes9 · August 2017

gymmonkey95 said:

I'm so sorry for the confusion ladies!! It was MY mom in the room because my Husband was deployed. I hope the following helps!

@jessilee15 and @Ashoes123 I'm wanting the emotional and hands on physical support. I know the person that I'm considering as a Doula so it wouldn't be a complete stranger. I'm honestly not sure how well my hubs will be able to support me and having our almost 18mo in the room it would just give me that extra comfort of having someone who's job is to support mom.

It would cost more to fly his Mom out than it would to hire the Doula! I honestly don't want family because I want to be able to enjoy that moment together 1) that we didn't have with our first but 2) that anyone should get to have with all of their kids. I don't know MIL very well and I know I would be uncomfortable but he keeps saying how its unfair that my Mom was here even though it was only because he wasn't.

I would seriously reconsider having your almost 18 month old in the room. Maybe MIL could come and stay with her at hone while you are in labor.

gymmonkey95 · August 2017

@mamaof5already right now I'm not sure only because we are still breastfeeding and I would hate to completely make her stop all of a sudden, not have either parent, be with someone she's only met a couple times before 1, and then all of a sudden have a baby in the house.

I'm aware each birth is different but if it's anything like with her I was fine until they broke my water so I wouldn't even mind having her there and then preferably an extremely close friend take her to the waiting room until right after baby comes. In your opinion does that seem doable?

jessilee15 · August 2017

It's totally up to you, and every kid is different. But there's no way I could have had my then 26 month old there while I was in labor. He even got bored visiting me and the new baby for half an hour. He was in to everything, wanted to push the buttons on the IV, and then he was hungry. And messing with normal nap times is not a recipe for success. But maybe my kid is just extra difficult. I had my MIL stay with DS1 so I could have my husband with me for the birth of DS2. Bonus: no one bothered me at the hospital while in labor.

Are you planning to tandem breastfeed?! If so I'm impressed - feeding one at a time is WORK!

babymakes9 · August 2017

gymmonkey95 said:

@mamaof5already right now I'm not sure only because we are still breastfeeding and I would hate to completely make her stop all of a sudden, not have either parent, be with someone she's only met a couple times before 1, and then all of a sudden have a baby in the house.

I'm aware each birth is different but if it's anything like with her I was fine until they broke my water so I wouldn't even mind having her there and then preferably an extremely close friend take her to the waiting room until right after baby comes. In your opinion does that seem doable?

Sorry, I assumed dd was close to grandma! If she doesn't really know her then a close friend she does know is totally better. Its your call, but imo i would start telling her now that when the baby is ready to come mommy and daddy will go to the hospital and she will start with friend #1 and they will have a sleepover and play toys, etc. And daddy will bring her to see baby once he/she is here.

I think it will be a much calmer stress free environment for you. Have you checked hospital policy? Some will not allow minors in before labor is complete, and you should be prepared that every labor is different. My 2 closest in age are 19 months apart, the older one understood mommy would be back with baby and was fine when i was gone.

Are you going to tandem breastfeed? Have you checked with your ob and dr. On this?

sabriel1 · August 2017

Yeah, I wouldn't bring the little one. The midwife told me that women that do that have a more difficult time relaxing into labor because they are still kind of in Mommy mode. Not to mention I would think it would be scary for a little one to watch thier mom in that kind of pain and they would not really understand.

Are you talking about brat feeding WHILE in labor? That sounds horrible

gymmonkey95 · August 2017

@jessilee15 and @mamaof5already I'm still undecided about whether I'm going to tandem nurse or not. My midwife wanted me to wean already but didn't have a reason as to why basically said just because she's almost one.. I feel clueless about this but how do you actually explain to a 1 year old about a baby especially when you aren't showing or anything? Also haven't checked hospital policy yet and am going to once I have my appointment later this week.

@sabriel1 I do NOT want to breastfeed while in labor. I'm just concerned about throwing all those new things at DD and her not understanding what's going on. While I know that each birth is different if it's anything like with her I will be fine for quite awhile and once I'm to that point I was planning on a very close friend taking her to the waiting room.

ash0625 · August 2017

Sounds to me like you already made up your mind

eggplantface · August 2017

My thought is your MIL wants to be there because it's her grandbaby being born, while your mother was there because her daughter was going through a big thing. MIL vs. actual mother is a different relationship and a different motivation for being present, so it's not fair for your husband to equate the two when you're the one going through labor. I agree with @ash0625 that you seem to have made up your mind, so I hope some of the arguments we've made here will help you convince your husband to let you get a separate doula.

PeachGal23 · August 2017

@gymmonkey95 I think your DD will be much more resilient and able to adjust than you think. In my brief experience with an almost 3-year-old and a 12-month-old, kids and toddlers handle change so much better than we anticipate (though I know all kids are different!). When my water broke with DS, my best friend, at the last minute in crisis mode, met us at the hospital to pick up 22-month-old DD and take her back to her house for the next 48 hours. DD had never stayed with her before, let alone hung out with her more than an hour or so at a time. And they had the best time together! I agree with previous posters that it will help you to not have DD in the room at all while you labor. It will give you more peace of mind, help you relax, and allow you to focus on yourself and baby.

As for weaning, if it's something that you want to do, don't overthink it (easier said than done, right?). It'll become harder the longer you wait, and its OK to feel like DD doesn't understand or that it's tough to explain. Again, I think we tend to worry too much about how our older babies/ toddlers will adjust, will/ will not understand, etc. I just completely weaned DS a few days ago, earlier than I anticipated since learning of this pregnancy, and it's been a remarkably good transition. Though I will say he was used to drinking out of bottles/ sippy cups since I work, so I imagine it would be tougher for a baby who was not used to that. And if weaning is something you want to do, you have plenty of time for a smooth transition before baby.

I know these are tough decisions, and I don't mean to minimize them at all -- just some additional perspective. You'll know what is best for you and your kiddos!

TattoosandLace · August 2017

You definitely seem to have made up your mind.

BelhurstBride · August 2017

Having MIL present to make things even sounds like a fight my 7 and 4 year olds would have. Your DH needs to realize that that isn't how adult life works.

My concern with having DD with you while you're in labor is the sight of you being in pain being a frightening experience for her. She's not going to understand what's going on.

We had DD1 hang out with my dad while we went to the hospital and then he brought her to the hospital. DH never stayed the night at the hospital so he could help keep her routine as close to normal as possible.

I've had a number of friends tandem nurse without any problems. With most of them the older one decided to quit once the younger one was born, they didn't like the change of the taste of the milk. My milk ended up drying up while I was pregnant with DD2, helping DD1 decide to self wean. (Granted, she was nearly 3.)

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