***PGAL/PAIF - 8/8 Check-in

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

This thread is for women who are pregnant after loss(es) and/or for women who struggled with infertility and are now pregnant. Will be posted every two weeks.

This thread is one huge trigger warning so if you just came to read, please protect yourself if you are not comfortable reading about loss or IF. This is a place where women can talk freely about their difficulties in achieving a viable pregnancy.

*****PLEASE DO NOT post losses here. Start a new thread. *****

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1. If you're first participating here, share any part of your history you feel comfortable sharing.

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby?

3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes?

4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating?

5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite?

madcouplewithabox · August 2017

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby? 18 weeks, baby is the size of an artichoke

3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes?
Pretty decent. A little sad because I can't participate in the Canoe race I signed up for a year ago, but I wouldn't change this for the world! I am also having a hard time thinking that everything is ok. I keep expecting something bad at every appointment.

4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating? 20 week anatomy scan in two weeks and then a meeting with my potential doula the day after. I'm REALLY excited to choose one.

5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite?

Favorite: cleaning the kitchen. Least favorite: Laundry. Laundry takes FOREVER!

kelk5 · August 2017

If you're first participating here, share any part of your history you feel comfortable sharing.
Shared previously

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby?
19 weeks and 2 days. Baby is a mango

3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes?
I have a UTI so that sucks. I also feel really bloated, it's like I have this bloat on top of my baby bump so my bump isn't too noticeable and my bump isn't too big but I've been out of my larger size pants for 5 weeks. Still I had at least 5 people tell me this past weekend that I don't look pregnant. Not what I want to here.

4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating?
Anatomy Scan on Aug 21st. It's the Monday after we get back from a trip to Poland so I'm hoping the trip will keep me distracted.

5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite?
Favorite: vacuuming
Least Favorite: dusting and taking out the trash

PleaseSendPicklesNow · August 2017

1. If you're first participating here, share any part of your history you feel comfortable sharing.
My history is in my signature.

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby?
17 weeks + 1 day. Baby is GIGANTIC. How else do we explain that that every organ in my abdominal cavity has already been pushed up into my lungs?

3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes?
Pregnancy after loss is a mental health minefield. I'm supposed to be happy, right? And often I am. But just as often, I'm afraid to bond with this little one. Afraid it's too good to be true, and he won't come home with us, either. Or I'm mad that he isn't his big brother, who I still miss SO MUCH. That's the emotion that surprised the most. I didn't imagine being pregnant again would make me so angry.

4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating?
In five days, we're scheduled for a fetal echocardiogram. The next day is the one year anniversary of our first child's death. It's a big week for us.

5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite?
I love to vacuum because I never have to touch anything gross while I do it.

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby?
17w today. Baby is the size of a chipmunk!
3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes?
Today, I am doing fine. Anxiety comes and goes. I haven't let it overwhelm, but it creeps in every now and again - like this is just too good to be true. I am proud of myself for the fact that I made an appointment with a new therapist and will see her next week. I had one I tried out earlier this year and she wasn't a good fit, so I haven't seen anyone since March and I think it's definitely time to have a sounding board for ALL of the emotions I am experiencing. From the donor egg perspective, to the (apparent) success after so many losses - I just have a lot of things floating in my head.
4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating?
Anatomy Scan is August 23. Not terribly concerned since my NT scan was so positive and my donor egg was only 27, but always anxious before an u/s - just kinda feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop....
5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite?
I am not a great housekeeper and am very fortunate that my MIL enjoys helping us on that front. She is a deep clean queen! I enjoy vacuuming and sweeping because the difference is immediately noticeable. I hate putting laundry away. I don't mind actually doing it, but then it hangs out on my dining room table or in a chair in our bedroom forever!!

@madcouplewithabox I am sorry about not being able to participate in the canoe race. I understand how it can be disappointing, but for good reason at the same time! Good luck choosing your Doula! I can appreciate that having that confirmed will be a great feeling!

@kelk5 I am so sorry you have a UTI! That sucks. Hopefully it's gone before your travels! How long will you be in Poland? Are you going for work or pleasure? Hope it's a great distraction ahead of the AS.

@PleaseSendPicklesNow I am sorry that you are struggling with the range of emotions, even some that are completely unexpected like anger. I have struggled with very similar thoughts, from not always feeling what's normal/expected for me to feel (all happy, happy, joy, joy) to frustration/anger that it couldn't have happened earlier. I think about each of my losses so frequently and have been surprised by how much this pregnancy has caused me to reflect.
I will keep you in my thoughts this coming week as y'all face that dreaded anniversary and hope for the best outcomes from your echocardiogram.

auntieraindrop · August 2017

@PleaseSendPicklesNow I have had that surprise misplaced anger pop up (in a totally different, non-comparable situation, but also involving someone who died.) I know it made me feel horribly guilty, because I was so angry at an innocent target. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have those feelings in this situation. Are you talking to anyone? I hope you're able to find some healing.

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby?
16+2 - size of an avocado

3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes?
Half the time I don't feel like I belong in here, our one loss was so very early. But then I think about how long it took us to get here (3.5 years). Anxiety is terrible. Early this week, I took a hard fall on some steps, and then I had a couple days with no noticeable symptoms and I panicked. It was all I could do not to just unload on everyone I saw. I'm doing better now.
4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating?
I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm waiting to hear the heartbeat, and we should schedule the AS this week, so hopefully I'll finally get a look at baby. Which I really have not had yet. I hope...

5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite?
I really like cleaning out the refrigerator. It's so satisfying when it's clean and organized and done. I HAAAAATE vacuuming. The noise is really bothersome for someone with chronic migraine, plus I motivate myself to clean by listening to music and you really can't do that with the vacuum running.

PleaseSendPicklesNow · August 2017

@fivetimesnoluck YES! You hit the nail on the head; pregnancy has made me reflect on my losses more, too. For us, pregnancy has always meant miscarriages and/or bad news. It's hard not to go through that over and over without feeling bitter. And almost all the time I spent with my son was spent with him while I was pregnant. So of course pregnancy reminds me of him! It took me by surprise, but it seems so obvious now.

During my pregnancy with our first son, I felt a deep bond with him from the very beginning. I often felt like he was communicating with me by kicking or moving at just the right moment. He always responded to music, especially specific genres, and he seemed to have a strong little personality from 14 weeks on. This time, I have none of that. I have no idea who this kid is. I don't feel the same bond at all, and that makes me so sad. Of course I will love this one too, but I'm afraid we'll never be as close as I was with our first. (And I am completely aware of how dumb that sounds, considering I'm only 17 weeks pregnant and there's plenty of time to bond later. But that's how I feel right now.)

@auntieraindrop Isn't it weird when the surprise anger pops up? I had grief related anger before I got pregnant, and I naïvely thought that a new pregnancy would ease the anger. Instead, it made it worse! I feel guilty for it, too. I haven't found a one on one grief counselor I'm comfortable with, but I have a fantastic online support group, and my husband has been a great sounding board. He gets it, and unlike some men, he doesn't mind talking about it.

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

@PleaseSendPicklesNow It sucks and all of those feelings you have are completely valid. I am definitely jaded and I don't feel attached either. I am excited. I am grateful. But I am also scared. I am not stressing it too much, because I know it will come in time, but definitely think it will help me to have a person to talk through some of this with. (Hopefully the new therapist will be a good match for me!)

I am so glad to hear you have online support and that you and your DH can open up to each other about your feelings. It's so important to have that support at home. My DH is also a good listener and is willing to open up about his own feelings too. That said, he is totally bonded to this child and doesn't appear to be having the same hesitancy I am. Everyone processes differently.

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

@auntieraindrop You definitely belong here! Your loss and your struggle are very real and I hope you don't feel as though anyone doesn't think it's enough...

And I also enjoy cleaning out the fridge - that's a good one. Definitely rewarding.

JuliaGoolia719 · August 2017

2. How far along are you today? How big is baby? 19 weeks as of yesterday!

3. How are you feeling today? Struggles? Successes? I'm starting to get anxious about our next ultrasound/appointment on Monday, BUT (I think) I felt him move today which makes me feel (a little) better. I told DH that after this appointment I think I'll start to feel better, they'll be able to tell us that it all looks good. The last time they did an ultrasound he was so tiny that I'm not sure they could have told us if anything looked off. We did PGS testing and genetic testing before we did IVF so I'm not super worried about anything like that, but every time I hear about a missed miscarriage I just freak out inside. It's been 6 weeks since our last appointment and I think its just too long for my post IF brain to go with out some kind of reassurance that he's still in there and looks good.

4. Next milestone or appointment that you're anticipating? Monday we go in for our anatomy scan and monthly appointment.

5. GTKY: What is your favorite household chore? Your least favorite? I'm supposed to have a favorite? LOL, I'd say the least favorite is putting laundry up....I think this is because we don't do it until we're out of clothes and it takes forever! I don't mind loading the dishwasher, I like getting it all out of the sink!

auntieraindrop · August 2017

JuliaGoolia719 said: It's been 6 weeks since our last appointment and I think its just too long for my post IF brain to go with out some kind of reassurance that he's still in there and looks good.

You poor thing, it's been about 4 weeks from mine, and I'm losing my mind. I also think I felt movement today (16+3) and it's hard to wrap my head around. What did it feel like? Wanna compare notes?

JuliaGoolia719 · August 2017

auntieraindrop FOR SURE! I thought I felt him move around the same time you mentioned, it felt like a pretty solid nudge and was a one time thing, then yesterday I was sitting down and felt like flutters moving across the lower middle of my stomach, almost like a light tickling sensation if that sounds like it makes sense?

auntieraindrop · August 2017

@JuliaGoolia719 I don't know if you saw in the other thread, but I felt like flicking. Almost like if someone flicked me with a tiny finger three times.

I'm pretty sure I'm actually closer to 17 weeks than 16, so I guess it's not as early as I thought.

Because of TTC fatigue, we actually only DTD one time in the month we conceived, so I know my due date is too late, I would have had to have ovulated like 8 days AFTER we had sex for it to be right and that just doesn't make sense.

My doc says we'll just roll with what we have though, so I'm basing my count off the DD they gave me.

JuliaGoolia719 · August 2017

auntieraindrop flicking is exactly the word I was looking for!

auntieraindrop · August 2017

JuliaGoolia719 said:

auntieraindrop flicking is exactly the word I was looking for!

I'm so excited for us!

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

@PleaseSendPicklesNow Jumping back to this conversation because I had a big revelation yesterday... Unfortunately, the therapist double booked herself, so we had to reshceudle. And when that happened, I almost lost it. I had looked forward to the appointment so much and really had a lot to get off my chest.

Cried all the way home and just went back to the room and laid down to try and collect myself. DH came back to check on me and we ended up having an amazing talk. I told him I was just really disappointed because I had really needed to get some shit off my chest and then I just started spilling it all to him. Our talk ended up being as helpful as I had hoped the therapist would be. He was amazing and supportive and understanding and just... everything I needed. He actually helped me verbalize some things I couldn't put words to- for instance, one of the biggest things I realized is that I am afraid of celebrating. This party is bringing up a lot of emotions - and part of that is because I feel awkward about moving past my losses, like it's some kind of disservice to enjoy this pregnancy and look forward to our future with this child. He was like, it's survivor's guilt - and a freaking light bulb exploded in my head. Not only do I feel that, but I am projecting it onto the Baby Avocado too. He was/is so right. I am tearing up at my desk just rehashing it. It was such a good talk, he shared similar thoughts and feelings he's been working through and definitely understands the fear associated with celebrating. We talked about how people who have never had a loss still may have some anxiety around these milestones, but we are just in a different boat. And while we have never had a normal pregnancy before, by all accounts we are now. And we should do our best to enjoy that. God, it was just what I needed.

It helped me understand a little bit about where the anger comes from. And it also helped me realize why I have been more hesitant than I assumed I would be in sharing the news that we're expecting.

Couldn't help but think of you when I was reflecting on this conversation and wanted to share it with you and the others here. Being pregnant after loss is a real clusterf*ck of emotions and you don't get it unless you've been there. I hope you're doing well!

auntieraindrop · August 2017

I didn't want to say anything either, for a long time, because I was so sure it wasn't going to last. After 3 years of IF and only one very early loss, I was pretty much convinced that we weren't going to have a successful pregnancy at all. So when Byll was losing his mind with joy and telling people at 5 weeks, I was blowing up at him and freaking out like it was some shameful secret I shouldn't tell.

I mean, even thinking about it rationally, if I had it to do over, I would've waited until after our first Ultrasound before I wanted to tell anybody. But it was weird and unhealthy the degree to which I didn't want to talk about it. Left to myself, I don't think I'd have told my own parents until now.

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

@auntieraindrop Figured others would relate to this. It seems obvious now, but honestly, until last night I had been a bit confused by my own behavior and feelings around this. Do you think your SO talking more freely made you get past it more quickly or are you still having heartburn over sharing the news?

auntieraindrop · August 2017

I think it forced me to talk about it more than I would have and in the end that is probably good. But I still haven't announced it on my own social media. I've talked about it obliquely. But I haven't come right out and said "hey we're having a baby!" A significant part of me still believes it won't happen. I wake up from miscarriage dreams at least two nights a week (usually more... ranging from "the baby was born with no bones" to getting a terse text from the doctor "there's no heartbeat" and every gruesome in-between...) and I am mostly kept from overusing the fetal doppler by dread that I *won't* hear the heartbeat than anything else. I had some spotting last weekend, and my thought was mostly "well here it goes."

I try not to think about it too much.

JuliaGoolia719 · August 2017

We told family and friends starting at 8 weeks, and just told more people as we've seen them after like 12 weeks, but up until yesterday I had avoided mentioning ANYTHING on any kind of social media. Like to the point where I'd post pictures of DH's beer and my mocktails on vacation and talk about all the fun we had at the breweries in Colorado last month, which to me crossed the line from just not saying anything to actively misleading. I was so scared to say anything on social media, just in case something goes wrong and then suddenly its not just calling our close friends and family but having to post something sad to our random acquaintances that we haven't seen in person for 10 years, and also because I just can't begin to say how sad it made me seeing all these pregnancy announcements in my Facebook feed with no warning.
I've been updating a blog I had like 8 years ago with pictures and venting about infertility etc, because no one knew I was writing on it so no one checked it, it felt like a safe space for me to still document this awesome thing but still not quite so "in your face" as FB.
Yesterday I did a blog post and then a Facebook post that basically just said that we've had a lot of stuff going on and that it hadn't been on FB, but if we haven't talked for a while and they were interested they could go check out the blog and get an update, the end had a little warning tag of "hey this involves me talking about infertility and treatments etc. so if that's a trigger you've been warned", I hoped it walked the line between sharing what's going on and not shocking anyone who might be going through the same thing.

https://takingitdaybydayinks.blogspot.com/

fivetimesnoluck · August 2017

@auntieraindrop Ugh! I am so sorry that you are having those kinds of nightmares. I can only imagine how unsettling that is. I hope that as time passes, your confidence and optimism builds. I haven't bought a doppler and keep going back and forth on whether or not I want one. Not sure if it would be good or bad for me. How did you appointment last week go? Did you hear HB and/or see the babe then?

@JuliaGoolia719 I have not shared anything on social media yet and have a lot of the same concerns/thoughts that you do. It's hard for me to think about how to do it in a way that is honest about the difficulty and losses we have faced without being too diary-like. I quit FB a long time ago, but still have an Instagram account and many of the people that follow me are not friends/family. Part of me feels obligated to share because I hate how taboo mc/loss/IF still is. I really think you did a great job honoring your story and allowing people to "opt-in" to hearing the whole thing. I am glad you found a way to celebrate what is, while not leaving out the difficulty it took to get here.

auntieraindrop · August 2017

@fivetimesnoluck I heard the HB! Hubby hasn't heard it yet, he can't get time off for my office visits. He did see the FHR on our dating scan, but it's just not the same as hearing it with your ears. I keep trying to find a moment to show him on the doppler, but mostly I don't because I'm terrified of not being able to find it.

My visit was especially good, because doctor says I'm measuring a bit ahead (my fundal height was already almost to my belly button at my "16 week visit") and I know my due date is wrong... we only had one opportunity to conceive during the month it happened due to a ton of infertility tests and TTC fatigue. So I know that we didn't conceive around May 1st like our due date would indicate. For whatever reason, I was worried there was something wrong with the baby because our dating scan came up with a date so much later than when I knew it should be. Measuring ahead now is SO reassuring. I'm not nuts.

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