Friend with infertility battle

cenzosmomma · August 2017

Any ladies out there that have advice for me about how I can support a friend going through infertility trouble, I would appreciate it... I feel like we've drifted since 2 weeks after telling her about my pregnancy, she lost her pregnancy from IVF... Thank you in advance!

Amber_Waves · August 2017

I think it is fair for her to take some space. *TW* After we lost a pregnancy, it was hard to be around babies and pregnant people. It got better with time. *TW* I would just be gently available...invite her out for coffee every few weeks & don't take it personally if she doesn't take you up on it. If she does, do not bring up pregnancy/babies, wait for her to do it (or not). Have other stuff that you are ready to talk about.

dkizz82 · August 2017

Unfortunately sometimes you lose friendships. I lost my bf of 30 years when I had my daughter. She has finally had a baby too but things are never going to be the same. Too much hurt.

jennasaisquoi · August 2017

Give her some space. It sounds like you're sensitive to what she's dealing with, and that's so sweet of you. If she's part of your social group and you have baby related announcements to make, I always appreciated being given a heads up beforehand via text or email.

It's a hard line to walk, but I also remember how much it stung when people didn't want to tell me they were pregnant because they didn't want to upset me, so I'd hear about it from a third party, which honestly made it worse.

afternoonduck · August 2017

As someone who's battled IF for 4+ years before getting pregnant - I agree. Don't take it personally if she drifts away, and be ready to welcome her back into your life when she is ready (which may be when she is pregnant again or has a baby).

I know it seems unfair that you should lose a friend like that, but understand it's not because she doesn't care about you - or even that she doesn't want to be involved. I promise she will miss you just as much. It's just that it hurts so much, words can't even put it into perspective.

For me, even telling people I was pregnant hurt - they were all happy for me, and had no idea the history of scars that even now can bring tears to my eyes. They just had no idea what "I'm pregnant" meant for me. Even now, I am resentful when friends announce their pregnancies - even though I *am* happy for them, and certainly don't want anyone else to suffer the way we have.

It sounds so dramatic, but I'm not a dramatic person, I promise. It really is that hard. Let her go, but keep your door open - with texts, emails, whatever works for you.

cenzosmomma · August 2017

Ladies, thank you so much!! I feel better hearing from you, and that I am not out of line wanting to be there for her.

@Amber_Waves I understand her need for time and space, just wondering if I could do anything differently in the meantime. *TW I too, lost a pregnancy and at first struggled being around and happy for my gf whose EDD was the day before mine End TW* I will keep checking in with her until she is ready!

@dkizz82 I'm sorry you lost a friend this way... I truly hope this isn't the case for us!

@jennasaisquoi She isn't the only friend I have seen have IF struggles, so I had some ideas on how to handle things like announcements and such... I am only one of about 4 people in her life aware of her IF, so I also feel badly that she isn't talking to me about what is going on in her life.

@afternoonduck She hasn't been open with many people about her IF, so I know she's having a hard time with everything. I am certainly not taking her withdrawal personally, just wondering what anyone that's gone through this really needed/wanted a friend to say or do during this difficult time. Watching other friends' IF is a big part of my own lack of FB announcements and updates about my own pregnancy....

dkizz82 · August 2017

@kdestito I hope not either. I also battled infertility but only for a year. I think that made it harder for her. It's truly a sad sad situation.

txmomma16 · August 2017

@Kdestito I want to second everything that @afternoonduck said. She put it so perfectly. Please do not take it personally, she may just need space and time.

When we struggled with infertility for three years prior to this pregnancy, every pregnant person or friend was like a knife in my ovaries. I felt like such a failure each time. I would never want anyone to go through what we went through, but the feelings of loss and hurt don't go away just because you are genuinely happy for someone else.

My advice would be the same as @afternoonduck. Let her go, but check in regularly as you can.

FWIW, I'm dealing with a similar situation with my SIL. She's been struggling for Baby #2 for a few years now, and I know that my pregnancy has not been easy on her. I try to give her distance and check in when I can. I also try to only talk about the pregnancy if she asks.

Best of luck.

whiska · August 2017

@kdestito It's a hard line to walk, but make overtures and let her know you're still thinking of her and invested in her journey, but as PPs mentioned let her inquire about your pregnancy first before talking about it. Appreciate that when she does it will really mean something, that she cares about you too despite the emotional turmoil she's going through. *TW* while struggling with my loss a close friend in our circle had the same edd. It took all of my emotional reserves to try and be a gracious person to ask her how she was doing, but honestly I mostly avoided them for the last year when possible. *end* Only now am I getting comfortable talking to her about pregnancy- and baby-related things. And even then it's hard because she's all Been There Done That and I can't help but think about how we should have been FTMs together.

That's a general disclaimer for any pregnant woman. There's a good chance you know someone who has been trying longer than you and has a variety of emotions of feeling like a "failure" or "left behind". So I guess what I'm asking is for everyone to just be mindful. Infertility is more common than we talk about (1 in 6 couples), and many don't share because of the heartbreak and scrutiny involved.

ETA - just wanted to add that I appreciate that you want to be sensitive about your good fortune. You're a good friend.

tallyally · August 2017

Hi @kdestito--I really appreciate the sensitivity that you have towards your friend. Here's my advice based on what I experienced going through infertility and *TW losses *TW and having friends get pregnant:

Keep your friendship (relatively) pregnancy free. Hopefully, there are other people you can be excited to about your pregnancy and complain to about symptoms. This might seem unfair to some people, but I needed to pull back for self-preservation reasons when my friends would talk too much about their pregnancy and/or post to social media about it. I would, however, bring up the pregnancy when we hung out and ask how they were doing. I appreciated when people gave short/general responses and didn't start complaining about symptoms.
Keep checking in on her and inviting her to hang out. (I especially liked girls' nights when I could drink with the rest of our friends and experience the upside of not being pregnant. )
Let her know that you don't expect her to attend your baby shower.

cenzosmomma · August 2017

@txmomma16 thanks for the response... it isn't difficult to bread sensitive... she's a great friend and I cherish both her and her husband, that's why I want to make sure I do things right!!

@whiska, other than telling her I was pregnant, I haven't uttered a word about my pregnancy to her... I know it isn't such, but would fear she'd feel I was gloating...

@tallyally I never even thought about the baby shower!!! Thank you so much!!

I'm sorry that you've all been through this, but fully appreciated all of the advice and insight! ❤

jackiesmom324 · August 2017

Omg I appreciate @kdestito for thinking about this and being considerate.

i would echo what was said so eloquently. I alsways think when it comes to relationships honesty is the best policy . If there is a way you can ask her how she would best like to be supported, how she'd best like to be informed of pregnancy related announcements and if she wants to go to pregnancy related events that would be helpful. And just bc you checked in once it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep checking in. Like a gentle even just hey how are you can mean a lot.

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