When pregnancy is alienating...

margareth-2 · July 2017

Any of you have friends who can't relate to your being pregnant, and you think it'll probably only get harder for them to relate to you (and vice versa) when the baby is here? Meanwhile this pregnancy is the biggest thing on your mind and in your life... And soon your baby will be. How have you dealt with and/or how are you dealing with this inevitability?

efrey1986 · July 2017

Let me just start out by saying that most of my friends have children, so they can all relate to being pregnant, but this is my third child and they will all be 5 years and under. I feel like everyone is doing their own thing at this stage in our lives, which is fine but it's very lonely. We don't really get invited anywhere anymore so I feel like I've lost my friends...it sucks but I wouldn't trade my family in for the world!

margareth-2 · July 2017

@efrey1986 I can see how that would be hard... I mean, you shouldn't have to find another person with 3 kids in order to be friends... ;-P :-(

Since i live in the NY metropolitan area larger families are rarer -- in fact, a bunch of my friends are either single or married without kids. I'm going through tougher moments in this (first) pregnancy and it's probably me being over sensitive but when friends dont text me to ask me how I am doing or instead text me about other (insignificant) stuff (as if I'm not 8 months pregnant) I feel a little alone and hurt and alienated. BUT, I think I did the same thing with friends who were pregnant and I didn't know what it was like! So I can't hold it against them; they don't understand, just the way I didn't at the time. I'm just wondering what it'll be like when baby gets here... so many changes!

mamaofthegarden · July 2017

This is also my third child, but after my first there are some friends I've drifted away from. I felt like it was their choice rather than mine - specifically unwed friends who apparently feel they can no longer relate to me.

That said...most of my friends stuck around, even though I was one of the first to have kids and some didn't have theirs until 5 yrs later.

Rhubarb7216 · July 2017

Most of my friends and my husband's friends have kids, but I do have two close friends who don't have kids and don't intend to ever have kids. So far they've been very supportive of my pregnancy and we've still seen each other fairly often. However, I do worry that once the baby arrives they will be less interested in getting together with me or it will just be hard for me to see them for a while and then after a while passes without seeing them it will be hard to get back to seeing them again. Hopefully I am worrying about this more than I need to, and everything will be fine. I'm sure things will be different for a while, but I want to try to be optimistic that our friendships can still survive!

BecauseLove · July 2017

I would actually flip this around a bit. All of my friends had babies in their late 20's while I was busy enjoying my single life and desperately craving my friends to have time to spend with me (that didn't include going to bed before 9pm) and helping be wing women for me in meeting cute guys. LOL. However, I also was super excited for my friends and happy for their transition into motherhood...it just took time for us all to figure out the new normal. The new normal did not include hanging out 4 nights in a row or going cabining as a big group...it instead meant planning a girls night every few weeks (and sometimes only 1 time a month or less) and having DH's or other family help out with kiddo so friends could hang out at least till 10. Or it meant me going to their house and us all lounging together. I don't know if it felt lonely for them...but I know it for sure felt lonely for me. However, I was one of the 1st people to visit my friends in the hospital and hold their precious babies and now their kids are between the ages of 3-12 (and they are each very cool kids I am very glad to know). I was happy to go hang out at their homes when that was easier but totally appreciated when they made a point to go out and do something (and not bring bebe or kid or kids) every so often. Anyways...I just mean it took extra effort on both our sides to figure out how friendship looks when they didn't have time, when we aren't on the same page in life, and when they were often distracted and couldn't have a full sentence conversation in person or on the phone unless the kids are asleep or being watched by someone else.

Now I am in my later 30's and as I mentioned most of my friends had friends have kids...and are very excited for me to have a baby but now that their kids are so much older are not quite prepared to deal with the little kid stages again. So we are again learning what a new normal will look like.

You might find it easier to say your concerns to your friends like I don't want you to fade away with this transition...what can we do to support one another etc..

lilpoots · July 2017

STM here. You might have to do all of the leg work to keep your friendships going. A lot of my friends don't call or invite me to things, because they assume I am too busy. You may also find that some of your friends don't like children and will only hang out sans kid(s). Then again, you may be surprised to find out that your group of friends treat you exactly the same. It varies.

My H's social life seems totally un changed. Mine is pretty non existant. He has a regular get together set up with a group of people and my social relationships are a lot more scattered.

margareth-2 · July 2017

True, thinking back, I felt disconnected from friends who were having kids (especially when I was single)... it's a two way street!

JNR6510 · July 2017

Most of my friends all stopped inviting me to things once they got married or had kids. They would give lame excuses about how I wouldn't enjoy the things they did because I wasn't seeing anyone at the time or because I didn't have kids and wouldn't be able to relate. I honestly wouldn't have minded doing kid friendly activities with them.

Now that hat I am expecting, the dynamics of our relationship hasn't really changed or recovered. I don't really see the point in trying to reconnect with someone who ditched me the second my life "milestones" failed to exactly sync up with theirs.

margareth-2 · July 2017

@JNR6510 Well-put. That wasn't considerate of them. I think some ppl lose sight of such things when they have kids. FX I won't be one of them! But I'm pretty sure I'll make some faux pas, just hopefully not too many. ;-P Good to be reminded of such things from time to time. Sucks to live through them!

Cats*in*space · July 2017

I think it's super unrealistic to expect that your friends would be as invested in your pregnancy as you are. You mention that they'll text you about what you consider "insignificant stuff" and not bother to ask how your feeling. I'm going to guess that your relationship before your pregnancy was exactly the same, but now you're expecting more from them because things are different for you. And that's not really fair. If you want to talk more about your pregnancy with them... do so. Don't wait for them to ask you, b/c, since they are in a different stage in life, they might not know the questions to ask. Relationships are a two-way street and they take work - & if you're not willing to entertain their "insignificant" topics of conversation, I don't think you should expect that they will dote on you.

cchenal07 · July 2017

This is a little different of a situation. But advice is helpful! My BFF is having a hard time getting pregnant and is now going through testing. I am there and I know she knows that. I went through a loss a couple years ago then it took over a year to get pregnant with this one so I get it. And she was really there for me. I can tell she's kinda pushing away now that I am getting close to having the baby. We met for dinner last week and she brought me a couple baby sleepers. I tried to keep the conversation light and mostly on her, my oldest that she has grown close to, or upcoming plans that didn't involve baby. I could tell she was still uncomfortable and she went home after dinner when we would usually go shopping. I know she is hurting and doesnt know what to do around me. I dont want to force her to hang out if it upsets her. What should I do?

mercury94 · July 2017

@cchenal07 I think you are doing pretty much everything right. I had a good friend get pregnant while I was struggling and it was nice knowing she was there for me and having her talk about things other than the baby. Just let her know you love seeing her, but you understand if it's too hard.

ColoradoHiker · August 2017

My close friends all had kids before me, bc DH and I chose to wait longer after marriage. I had a hard time, at first, understanding how things were so different. But I also knew that these people were important to me, and I made the effort to make it work for us. 98% of the time, that meant staying in and watching movies, playing with the kids, etc. And that became our new normal.

Now that I have one kid, and another on the way, I get it. But you may need to accept that it will take time for your friends to come around. Or that they might not at all. That's why having other moms friends is important, so you don't feel alone. Also, you need to accept that your friends are just at a different place in life than you are, and that your pregnancy isn't necessarily at the top of their list. It goes both ways, and relationships require work on both sides to stay afloat as we change over time.

Breath_Easy92 · August 2017

I'm the first if my friends to have a baby most of them are a little interested as they are planning to have kids soon but we will see who drifts away. Most importantly in my mind my best friend of 18 years just dislikes children. She doesn't ever want any of her own and she wants nothing to do with even her nieces and nephews. She wasn't happy to learn I was pregnant and she's tried to be supportive but she won't even hug me anymore because my baby bump "freaks her out". She's also a little vain which is fine we all have faults but she talks to me all the time about how fat I'll be after the baby's born and if I'm worried that sex will never be good again type stuff. I'm trying not to be overly sensitive because I know she just doesn't think about it before she says it but it really hurts my feelings. It makes me worry though about our relationship post baby.

BecauseLove · August 2017

cchenal07 I think your doing all the right things in your friendship situation. I was TTC for many years (including a loss) but I wasn't very sensitive in regards to others getting KU'd or talking about pregnancy or kids etc (though every so often something would be harder than I would expect). You may ask her what she might need or want to help her feel supported on her journey. After spending a lot of time on the ttc/ttgp etc bump boards I can say there is a fair share of people trying and struggling that just are spent in regards to those that are having kids in their lives...sometimes purposely distancing themselves (which always made me very sad to read about). Hopefully you guys can weather the storm of this transition.

margareth-2 · August 2017

@Cats*in*space haha, thanks, but I think it's nice to ask my friends how they're feeling when they're 8+ months pregnant, and several have done so. Just a "how are you?" Or "how are you feeling?" But hey, that's just me, and i'll remember to do that when/if my currently non-pregnant friends get to this stage! I think they'll appreciate it.

Breath_Easy92 · August 2017

@Cats*in*space what you said reminds me of a How I Met Your Mother episode when Lilly and marshal are adjusting to to thier new baby. I think that's a common experience.

When pregnancy is alienating...

Re: When pregnancy is alienating...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards