Had a mini freak out last night trying to imagine how this will all work.

timelessnomad · July 2017

Hi, I'm 40yo, first time, soon to be mom in Jan. Both me and my DH work full time. We're in NY and both used to take the train into the city (his commute is an hour, mine used to be 1.5 hours). We knew this would never work with having a kid so luckily I got a job closer to home, so now I drive and I'm now 30-45 min depending on traffic. I kinda always knew that if we were going to have kids that I would be the main caretaker, but for some reason last night this really hit me. I was in the middle of canceling my gym membership to change it to a gym at my job. Thinking, oh I won't have time to go to the the gym before or after work so I should just go at lunch. Then I realized, wait, I'm going to have to pump then, which then lead me down a rabbit hole of research and realizing that, wait, I have to pump three times a day at work!

My DH leaves at 6:30am and on good days he is home by 7pm. On other days he is home at 11pm. I currently leave at 8:35, start work around 9:15 and leave at 5:15. From what it seems, I'll be doing basically everything during the day getting ready, dropping off, picking up, feeding, pumping, bathing, and getting ready to sleep. Guess I wasn't factoring in the pumping three times a day at work and how much that would drain me as well and take away the one time I thought I had to myself which was my lunch. I already get up at 5:30 am, to give myself some time in the morning so I'll probably continue that if I'm not ultra sleep deprived.

My DH is wonderful and is very willing to help out as much as he can, but realistically I"m thinking, "Where can he help out?" He mentioned waking the baby up earlier so that he can feed, change, etc. Not sure what time babies wake up but getting her up earlier then 6am seems like a bad idea. So far the only thing I've thought of that he can assist with is.

-chores
-night time feedings. We're planning on doing breastfeeding if I'm able, but I'm not sure when he can start bottle feeding to avoid nipple confusion.
-pack up the bags for the next day
-maybe he takes on more of the responsability on the weekend so I can have a break and he can spend some quality time with the baby?

I also realized that his job is stressful and though he will have a nice 45 min of peace on the train back and forth, where he can watch his netflix, or catch up on things, he does get home wiped out from a long day. My job is not as stressful but now I'm in the car vs the train.

Oh and no family help around, and we will be doing 10 hour daycare which is an astounding 1750 a month. I would bump it up to 11 hours to give myself an hour a day to get stuff done, but its literally 300 more a month so we're not doing that.

Guess what I'm looking for is for advice on where he can help out to make it not feel like I'm doing everything, and where I can find some peace and sanity in a day that feels like I'm 100% responsible for it all.

Thanks working moms!

meggyme · July 2017

If you're due in Jan you have plenty of time to figure these things out, so try and take a deep breath. Presumably you will have some time off for maternity leave to help you both adjust to your new life as parents. And somethings will fall into place naturally, like the number and timing of pumping sessions. As for what your husband can do to help, a lot of it isn't baby related and will change week to week. If you can put him in charge of a few things, like making sure you have diapers/wipes or getting groceries, then that's a few less things you need to worry about.

Other options are trying to find a nanny (or nanny share) that might be willing to help clean the house or run errands to help take some of the weight off you and your husband. It might be comparable to daycare in your area and allow you to come home and not have a million things to do.

Try to take things one at a time and you'll find a lot of things figure themselves out just by what naturally becomes a priority.

magnolia305 · July 2017

I agree with PP, you have time to figure this out. On your maternity leave, you will get an idea of when baby wakes, schedule, etc.

In my experience (DH sometimes goes days without seeing our son bc of work), I use my weekends to the max. I like to grocery shop/meal plan/prep on Sunday. That's a huge help when I'm home alone with our son. I also sometimes take Saturday mornings to myself--to shop, hang with friends, whatever--while DH keeps DS. I honestly think planning and staying organized will be the best bet once baby is here.

also, don't stress about the pumping and what that will look like during your day. I did and my milk ended up never coming in--so it was time wasted worrying about it!

nackie · August 2017

You can do this, you've got plenty of time. And it's really hard to plan a schedule until you get to know your little one. Mine was a terrible sleeper and since I was breastfeeding that meant I basically didn't sleep either for a good 9 months. DH did all the grocery shopping and the laundry and cooked a bunch of big meals so I could just heat up leftovers whenever I had the energy to eat. Whatever chores yours can do will be one less thing for you.
If you plan on pumping, look into getting a car adapter, you can pump while driving and depending on how easy work makes it to pump, that can make your life a lot easier.
Waking the baby up probably won't go well, but they tend to wake up pretty early anyways. And they go to bed pretty early, so unless you get one that never sleeps like mine, you can have some Me time before you go to bed.
Good luck!

SmrBrd2012 · August 2017

It's so normal to be freaking out! I had many. My husband had a similar schedule when our little dude came, although usually not as late as 11- more like 9 or 10. I'm not going to lie- it's not easy, but you will figure it out, especially once you start to get in a routine during your maternity leave. You probably will not have much "you" time, especially once you go back to work in the beginning. If you are blessed with a good sleeper, your you time will be after baby's bed time, or during nap time on weekends. Try to recharge on the weekends and get more help from your H then, if he simply cannot help during the work week based on his job. Good luck! You can do this.

AnnieR81 · August 2017

Wow! You've got a lot on your mind. It's definitely daunting when you let it all hit at once.

When it comes to DH, in my experience is we always talk ourselves out of the help offered because we're the primary caregiver; the mom. It's supposed be our job right? If he offers do something, give it a try. If it doesn't work out, then at least you know.

You and your DH may surprise yourselves with how certain things come together now that you have a new priority. The more DH is included and encouraged, the higher a priority this will become and more compromises he will begin to make himself with work and personal time in order to be available.

nackie · August 2017

AnnieR81 said:

Wow! You've got a lot on your mind. It's definitely daunting when you let it all hit at once.

When it comes to DH, in my experience is we always talk ourselves out of the help offered because we're the primary caregiver; the mom. It's supposed be our job right? If he offers do something, give it a try. If it doesn't work out, then at least you know.

You and your DH may surprise yourselves with how certain things come together now that you have a new priority. The more DH is included and encouraged, the higher a priority this will become and more compromises he will begin to make himself with work and personal time in order to be available.

This last part about compromises with work is so true. Both DH and I work a lot less overtime now than we did before baby. Or, we at least leave work earlier and then work from home after bedtime.

timelessnomad · November 2017

So sorry it took forever to get back to you all. I can' thank you all enough for all your wonderful advice and tips. I'm 29 weeks right now and though its still daunting to think how I'm going to do it, I know i will manage. If single moms and dads can do it, then I can. Found out that I have 16 weeks maternity as well (part paid, part unpaid) so that gives me a nice bit of time to figure some things out. DH will be off the first 6 weeks so that will be helpful as well. Just going to take it day by day.

mcgeeva · July 2018

Hang in there everything seems more daunting until you get into the grove of things. We have no help and my husband has traveled every other week for years and I work 15 miles form home but it’s a 3 hour commute daily so my kids are in daycare for 10-11 hours a day. I hate the amount of time but it is what it is living in northern va with crap traffic, expensive home prices and having to have both parents work full time. It stinks but I just appreciate the time I am home with the kids when I am off work even if it feels like a crazy Groundhog Day routine. Wouldn’t chAnge it. I also breast fed each kid for a year. Reality is most don’t have time to pump three times a day at work if you have a heavy schedule but I still managed to only give breast milk even with pumping once a day. Instead I would just add an extra pump session right before bed. I promise once you get back in the grove with a baby you can figure out where husband can help more if it’s making bottles night before etc.

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Had a mini freak out last night trying to imagine how this will all work.

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