The last name conundrum

mblomq2 · July 2017

This feels outside of the typical baby name thread (Rhys or Reese? Etc...) so I'm giving it it's own spot. I know the majority of women may not identify but hoping to find those few that do.

When I married DH two years ago I kept my last name. I identify with it dearly, it's unique, and there are no boys in my family so it will be lost if I don't keep it. I also have been using it professionally for a long time. All is well until now we have this LO coming into our lives. Great blessing, great big last name issue. I consider myself a modern feminist lady so I'm really trying to scan all the options. I'm fine with bucking traditions if it's what's best for me and my family.

Options:
baby has my last name
baby has his last name
baby has both last names, possibly w or w/o a hyphen
baby has his last name and I add DH's last name to mine to be more unified

I feel there is no good option here, though I'm leaning towards the last choice. Watching my cool last name die out makes me get teary. I also don't want life to be complicated for anyone either blah blah. Both last names are longish (7-9 letters) and not easy to spell. DH likes his last name as well so he wouldn't change his and he'd be sad if baby didn't get his either.

Thoughts? If you're super traditional/conservative and are just like 'all women and babies should take the mans name!' Please don't bother replying for both of our sake. Thank you for your ideas in advance!

LadyMillil · July 2017

I kept my last name for career purposes and plan to hyphenate once baby is here. Baby will have DH's last name because he is pretty traditional and I don't have super strong feelings towards my last name.

With 2 long last names it seems like too much to hyphenate. Filling out forms will be a nightmare. You could use one as a second middle and the other as last name. I've also heard of people giving girls the mom's last name and boys the dad's last name.

alwayssomethingnew · July 2017

I returned to my maiden name after my divorce and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when my SO and I get married. I knew one girl who was hyphenated, and people called her by her first last name, if that makes sense. (I.e. Smith-Jones, and people used Smith). I've thought about handling it like that for work. My three daughters have their dad's last name. If I hyphenate, I think I would want to go with hyphenated for this LO. I think my SO would be ok with that. I'm not as far along in this thought process as you. But I'm glad you brought it up!

smorzandoj · July 2017

I didn't change my last name after divorce bc I didn't want to have a different last name than the kids. Well now it's extra complicated. SO wants me to switch back to my maiden name and then doesn't care what we do with the last name. It is a pain in the butt to switch names so as much as I was to switch back I just haven't yet. Anyway. I think either way we are going to go with his last name even though my maiden name is way better. If I were you I don't know what I would do...but...we always made fun of the kid with a mega huge hyphenated last name in high school. But. We were mean.

SunflowerMama428 · July 2017

Don't post on the internet and then tell people not to reply if their opinion is different. Major eye roll. Your last statment was very small minded. Especially since the women on this board are very supportive to everyone's lifestyles but if you were invested in this board you would know that statement wasn't necessary.

mblomq2 · July 2017

@SunflowerMama428 I'm simply trying to avoid unnecessary opinions and fighting. If I wanted to go the traditional route I wouldn't be in this situation or need any opinions/ideas at all!

eggplantface · July 2017

When I changed my name I made my maiden name my middle name, and our kid will have the same. This way I get some credit too. My parents did this with me and my brother too, worked out well.

SunflowerMama428 · July 2017

But one of your options is traditional....just saying. just be aware how you come off. Like I said the last statment was condescending to how some women choose to live. And an opinion is only unnecessary if you don't agree with it. Then don't ask for opinions. Lesson from the internet.

Edited:typos

the_other_mother · July 2017

Yeah I'm completely traditional but I'm going to answer anyway.

If there are no other boys in your family and you don't give your child your maiden name then it's dying with you anyway. That being said, I don't see a reason to cling to it unless you plan use your name on a male child. I understand being sentimentally attached to your maiden name. I'm in the same situation where my dad was the only son and had only daughters. I still gave up my name.

All that said I vote for the last option. Baby gets DH's name and you add it to the end of yours.

Edit sp

clc515 · July 2017

Me and my brothers all got my mom's maiden name as our legal middle name because it's part of the culture to acknowledge both parents. We got a 2-name first name to sync up to the American first and middle name. When I got married, I dropped the 2nd and middle names, and changed my legal middle name to my maiden name because I LOVE my maiden name. So long story short, lol, maybe use your maiden as his/her middle name? Name may still end with baby, but you got to keep it another generation. Who knows what kiddo will decide after that.

ETA: Coincidentally, my maiden name is a semi-common first name in the Mother Land, but I don't think I'll ever convince DH to name our daughter that if we have a girl tee hee.

soulcupcake · July 2017

I took the OP's postscript as saying if your only response is to make bold assertions, then don't bother. She's considering several options, but none are in the vein of "All women should take on their husband's names, and all offspring should be given the husband's name." There's a difference between it being an option for practicality's sake, and making pronouncements about what "all women" should do, especially if she's not of that particular worldview.

@mblomq2 - I loved my maiden for many years, though it wasn't difficult to part with. It's a very uncommon Italian name. I ended up giving it to my first son as his second middle name. I considered adding my maiden as a middle name when I changed my entire name, but ended up taking on my mother's middle name. I understand being attached to your maiden name. I actually like the option to hyphenate the two names assuming they work well together and you like the way it flows.

ladybug0088 · July 2017

As a teacher, I've had several kids with hyphenated last names. The only concern that I think you may want to think about is that you said that both of your last names are long and not easy to spell. If that is the case, I would consider not hyphenating.

I actually kept my maiden name and took it as a middle name when I got married. This may be something you want to consider as well so that you and baby could also have DH's name.

soulcupcake · July 2017

I get the feeling this little bean is a boy. If so, both middle names will be our mothers' maiden names. My mother was pretty happy about that.

babymakes9 · July 2017

If you are very attached to your maiden name and worry about it dying out, you should use it as your LO's Middle name, and use your husband's last name. You could choose to continue using your maiden name professionally, or hyfenate your last name if worried about blending in.
I feel hyphating a child's last name is very cumbersome to them, especially as they or there spouse may feel the same as you do in the future, then what? They have 3 last names?

mpp06 · July 2017

I agree with the above posts, to use your maiden as their middle name. If it is that special, hopefully this child will realize it and continue to pass it on as well!

mblomq2 · July 2017

Thank you all for your support even if it's just 'yeah that is complicated!' Or 'yeah I like my maiden name too!'. Good ideas to think on.

Starynightsky24 · July 2017

To be honest I loved my maiden name too, but I gave it up for the sole reason of I want my kids to feel a sense of family. I would not have loved my maiden name so much if my parents and I all had different last names. That said, I don't think you should hyphenate. Choose one name and go with it, whatever that name might be.

Edit ti to say I understand the name dying out. My dad is the last male to carry my maiden name. He had 4 girls and his only brother had two girls. Their dad (my grandfather) had 8 sisters. DS was the first male on my side of the family and he still got DH's name. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about giving him mine, but I knew DH would not be onboard with that

Bringmemylongswordho · July 2017

I don't go here, but I thought I might have a useful perspective that hasn't been addressed quite yet.

My parents divorced in elementary school and my mother remarried when I was in middle school. She took my stepdads name, and mine stayed my biodad's. While I did wonder as a kid what teachers thought of my home life, I never felt left out because my name was different from my mom and stepdad, who is every bit my father even if we're not blood related.
I dropped my maiden name when I married because I had no attachment to it. If I had published anything before I married I would have kept it for professional reasons. I think using your maiden name as a middle and your husband's last name for a child is a great way to pass on both names. If you want to add on your husband's last name because you want to, great. But it's not necessary, so please don't feel pressured into it.

And a little tongue in cheek, name changing is such a fucking hassle I think it will start becoming much more common for women to keep their last names in the future. Like seriously if I had known I wouldn't have changed it.

caitb13 · July 2017

Hey @mblomq2 thanks for posting! I'm in a similar boat and have been thinking of starting a similar thread! My biggest thing is that if there is some kind of emergency I don't want there to be any confusion as to if the child is mine or not. I've also heard air travel can be a hassle. There's also a little part of me that likes the idea of being a family unit bonded by one name. There isn't any risk that either of our names are going to die out, I just really like my maiden name and the feminist in me didn't want to change it after marriage. Although it didn't bother my husband that I kept my name, he wants to either hyphenate the baby's or give the baby his name. Right now I"m thinking of four options as well:

a. keep my name and hyphenate baby's
b. Hyphenate my name and hyphenate baby's
c. Hyphenate my name and baby gets his name
d. Make my maiden name a second middle name and change my last name

Ashoes123 · July 2017

@mvlomq2 I kept my maiden name and have a different last name than my DD. I thought that we might encounter administrative types of issues or I might feel uncomfortable in certain situations about it, but that has not been the case. At least in my area, it has become very common. It seems like half the moms in our school district kept their maiden names for professional reasons. It also has never caused issues with air travel, daycare sign ups or otherwise. I am however reminded of the fact that we have different names eveytime I have to sign us up or into something and I'm beginning to share your desire to be more of a family "unit" with a shared name. My last name is too long to hyphenate, and I'm not a fan of hyphenated names anyhow so I'll make my last name my middle name and take my DHs last name eventually.

madie008 · July 2017

My MIL only had sisters, so all her boys have her maiden name as a 2nd middle name. I think it's great and this baby will probably have it as a middle name aswell.
Personally i would do that or have hyphenated last name if they sound good together. I probably would of if our last names didn't sound so silly together!

katefb17 · July 2017

DH and I are in the same field, so for the sake of professional differentiation we kept our own names when we got married. Neither of us has any sentimental attachment to our last names, incidentally. Our daughter has both of our last names, hyphenated. She has been in a couple of daycare settings already, and it's a mixed bag how well people deal with it. Her current daycare is good about hyphenating *her* last name, but still refers to DH and I as "Mr and Mrs Y" :P

DH and I actually both hyphenate our last names socially-- like, our holiday cards say "from the X-Y family", and we RSVP to weddings as "Mr and Mrs X-Y".

When we made the decision, I asked a friend who grew up with a hyphenated last name and recently had it changed to a single last name. He told me that he and his siblings *loved* their "cool", "different" hyphenated last name when they were growing up, but that he and his wife were considering hyphenating their names when they got married, so he preemptively changed his.

I will say, most of my friends have been in the same boat, and everyone has addressed it a little differently. So, you are definitely not alone in this situation!!

cathrynmo · July 2017

I totally understand this issue! I kept my last name when I got married, and my son has my last name as his middle name. Planning the same for this one, but it, too, is an imperfect solution. My son likes it, though...having my last name in his name makes him feel connected to my side of the family. He is 15 now, and it was also easier to explain to him why other moms have the same last name as dad and kids to say, you also have my last name. And it opened the door for very early conversations on feminism, etc. best of luck to you!! Ignore the weird "eye roll" post!

araeko · July 2017

@mblomq2 I totally feel you on this. I kept my last name and I don't want to give it up. My husband was totally supportive of me keeping my name, but insistent on our LO having his last name. He's the last male with his last name in the family so carrying on the family name is really important to him. He's open to hyphenating, which is what we're leaning towards right now. I worry about giving LO my name as a second middle name because I feel like it will get easily dropped and forgotten.

@katefb17 we also hyphenate socially (and when we talk about our dog's last name

), so I feel a bit better about the hyphenating option because we're already used to doing it.

jessilee15 · July 2017

I would have preferred to hyphenate for professional reasons, but my husband's last name is already super long. So I took his - he felt strongly about future kids having the same last name, and I wanted to match the kids. If his last name had been short, i would have hyphenated. My second son has my maiden name as his middle, and I love it!

GoogleMD · July 2017

I did not change my last name until 3 months ago, after 6 years of marriage, when our son 1.5 y.o. My son was given my husband's last name.
I changed it because it started becoming a hassle, and people would assume I was not my son's mother. I was constantly asked if I was the legal guardian? Once when he was first born the old lady at the pedi office asked what happened to his mother?

kbrinks2 · July 2017

GoogleMD said:

I did not change my last name until 3 months ago, after 6 years of marriage, when our son 1.5 y.o. My son was given my husband's last name.
I changed it because it started becoming a hassle, and people would assume I was not my son's mother. I was constantly asked if I was the legal guardian? Once when he was first born the old lady at the pedi office asked what happened to his mother?

I have a friend who did the same thing! 8 years of marriage and a 1.5 yr old later and she decided she didn't like having a different last name than her DD! Their family doctor made a harmless comment about "I never put two and two together that you were the little girls mom!" After that she decided she wanted to have the same last name as her DD!

TattoosandLace · July 2017

I think whatever you and your SO agree on is best for your family.

(Friendly note that you can't really dictate how people on the internet respond to your posts asking for opinions though.)

ashhsa · July 2017

My maiden name was hyphenated. I loved it as a kid! A peice of my mums family and my dads!! My sister in law just took on my brothers hyphenated sir name too, so it obviously didn't put her off taking it that it is longgggg!

cm716 · July 2017

*lurking from ttgp* if you changing your last name to his is out of the question.my recommendation would be to give the baby your husband's last name and hypenate yours. People like pediatrician's offices and schools give you enough hassle even if you have the same last name. So having a different last one than your child can sometimes cause paperwork problems. Could you give your baby your last name as a middle name? My little brother's middle name is my mom's maiden name.

aos620 · July 2017

I'm in the same boat as @mblomq2. I kept my maiden name and am now wary of my children having a different last name as me. My husband and I discussed one option that I don't think has been mentioned here: that he take my last name as a middle name and I take his last name or hyphenate. So my name would be A Y-Z or A Y Z; his would be B Y Z; and our child's would be C Y Z (with Y being my last name and Z being his). We haven't made any decisions yet, but this is the leading contender! Best wishes to all the moms to be!

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