Need Advice Regarding Family Wedding

CANTW82BMOM · June 2017

Ladies! I need you bad right now. My niece is getting married, which is awesome. I truly am over the moon excited for her. She's been asking me for planning tips because I planned my own fabulous wedding nearly 4 years ago. I'm stoked to be involved. However, yesterday, she dropped a bomb on me via text and TOLD me that I was in the wedding. I had no idea she was going to ask me to be in the wedding. She also told me that the bridesmaid dress she picked out was $250, to which I replied, wow that is a lot of money. She then proceeded to let me know that I can afford it.

This is is not convenient for my life for so many reasons. We live 3 hours apart, she picked a bridal shop near her, meaning I have to make a trip down there to do my dress shopping, I'll have to make a bunch of other trips down there for various bridesmaid duties which I don't want to do.

Shes getting married next year in September. I'll have 2 children at that time, meaning I'll have 2 daycare bills at over 2k a month. Don't tell me what I can afford. I also have a destination wedding/family vacation to Dominican Republic 3 weeks before her wedding which was scheduled first. This is going to be a major expense for us next year. I'm also taking unpaid leave for work because I haven't been at my job a year and don't get any paid maternity leave. I say all this to say that next year will be a challenging year financially.

Ultimately, there are 2 things going on here. 1. I honestly don't want to be in the wedding and 2. If I am in the wedding, I won't be a good bridesmaid because I'm not going to participate in all the bridesmaid duties.

What do I do? How do I say no? Do I suck it up and just be in it? Help!

Sorry this is so long, but it's been on my mind for almost a full 24 hours and it's stressful. I need to call her today.

missblaze · June 2017

I would tell her that while you are very excited for her, you would rather attend as a guest. If you want to go into detail, you can let her know that you have a lot going on next year both financially and in life in general, or you can just leave it at that. Weddings are fun, but being a bridesmaid is A LOT OF WORK. And the expenses and time required will only make you resentful (at least it would make me feel that way).

[Deleted User] · June 2017

Can you say something like "wow, I'm so flattered you thought of me, but I can't commit to being in the wedding!" It's slightly rude to just tell someone oh hey, by the way, drop everything because you're in my wedding. Common sense would be to ask first. Also rude to assume you can afford the expensive dress and gas to constantly be down there for bridesmaid duty. If it were me, I'd definitely try to weasel my way out of it and not be forced into it. Let us know how it goes!!

crizz13 · June 2017

I wouldn't necessarily back out of being a bridesmaid, but I would be honest with her about how you foresee yourself being able to contribute. Which events you could attend, how you can see yourself lending support, etc. Let her decide. If she is fine with you not being able to attend every single bridal function, and still wants you standing there with her on the big day, I would do it and (begrudgingly) cough up the $250 for the dress.

gusgus14 · June 2017

Agreed with what's already been said. It should never be a requirement to be in someone's wedding and I also think it's rude she didn't ask and just told you you're in it. She might be annoyed/mad when you tell her you aren't able to be a part of the wedding party but it's not worth the stress (mental and financial) it's going to cause for you.

TInman87 · June 2017

I agree with @crizz13 but if even that feels like more than you are comfortable with, I'd give her a call and tell her you spent some time crunching the numbers and reviewing your existing commitments and with deep regrets you don't believe you will be able to take on the bridesmaids roll, while still reassuring her how happy and excited your are for her

BelhurstBride · June 2017

I'd call and have a conversation with her, rather than over text. Be prepared for her to be irrational.

Weddings always seem to bring out the worst in a bride. Good luck.

cyanope · June 2017

I agree that calling her and talking through the details honestly and rationally is the best course of action. Be transparent with her.
If it were me, I would lay everything out, tell her that trying to juggle two kids and all of the responsibilities that being a bridesmaid entails would probably be too much. If she is okay with you basically just showing up on the wedding day (without all of the other BS), then that's what I would do.
But yeah...people always seem to be irrational about their wedding. So, she may not take the news the way you're hoping!

Shanski70 · June 2017

Can you talk to your sibling (or in-law), aka the parent of the bride, about the situation? It's really sweet that she wants you to be a part of her wedding, but one would hope that after a phone conversation she would understand why you cannot handle the role of bridesmaid.

Perhaps after talking you could offer to take a smaller role (perhaps doing one of the readings during the ceremony or similar) and hopefully she'll accept. If not, there really isn't much you can do, but at least you were honest with her and her family.

kelk5 · June 2017

@CANTW82BMOM, that is frustrating. I agree with the majority to call and talk to her honestly about it. She should have asked, that was disrespectful on her end. If she truly cares she should understand, I hope she doesn't go bridezilla on you.

LemmyRN · June 2017

BelhurstBride said:

I'd call and have a conversation with her, rather than over text. Be prepared for her to be irrational.

Weddings always seem to bring out the worst in a bride. Good luck.

Oh yes. Sounds like she's in the "world revolves around me" Bride mode. Irrational is a guarantee. If she already directs all conversations to her wedding and expects to get her way all the time, it's gonna be a loooong year for the bridesmaids.

@CANTW82BMOM Maybe be to soften the blow of declining her decree, you could get her a cute wedding planning work book, some kind of token peace offering.

CANTW82BMOM · June 2017

You ladies gave me the confidence to have a difficult conversation. Prior to calling her I read each of your responses and put together a written talk track. I stuck to it pretty well. Here is what I said:

I am so extremely happy for you. I definitely want to be involved in your special day and I'm so glad you want me to be. However, I can't be a bridesmaid.

I'm pregnant now, will have two kids by the time of the wedding, and I have a destination wedding three weeks before your wedding and basically next year is going to be crazy for me.

I'd love to take on a smaller role like being your day of coordinator, or an usher or even reading a scripture at the ceremony if you are okay with that.

She was surprisingly ok with it! She did let out a pretty sad "really" when I first said I can't be a bridesmaid, but once I was finished she actually appeared to understand where I was coming from. I hope she was sincere and doesn't harbor any resentment later. I feel like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I know I did the right thing for my family. DH is very happy I declined. His exact words were "I'm just glad I don't have to hear you complain about this for the next 14 months!"

Thanks so much everyone.

[Deleted User] · June 2017

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/rw/tu3rbi4zlpz3.gif

CANTW82BMOM · June 2017

@Shanski70 It's actually a pretty crazy family situation all together. Her mom was my sister. She passed away in 1993 when I was 10 and my niece was 8. My niece's father raised her with his new wife and they pretty much kept her and her brother away from our family. Throughout our youth we hardly ever saw one another. As adults we tried to build a relationship, but it's always been long distance. We certainly aren't close, but family nonetheless. About 3 years ago she came to visit me and when she was bending over her butt crack was showing. It was just her and I in the room and I jokingly told her to cover up so my husband didn't see. It really was a joke, he wasn't even in the room. Anyway, she got pissed although she never actually told me that. She just stopped speaking to me for 2 years and wouldn't take my calls. The only reason I found this out is because she told my other sister. About a year ago, her father passed away suddenly, with no life insurance. My sister told me about it and how stressed my niece was. I gave my niece $1000 to help with the cost of the funeral despite the fact that I hadn't spoken to her in 2 years. My assumption is that she was incredibly grateful because ever since, she has been trying to build a relationship with me and I've been open to that as well. We just saw each other a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 years. Long story, I know, but wanted to give you a little background and answer your question.

CANTW82BMOM · June 2017

@LemmyRN I actually already sent her a wedding planning book. It was literally the first thing I did when she got engaged. I really do want to help her and be a part of her special day just not as a bridesmaid.

gusgus14 · June 2017

Yay, so glad it worked out!

BelhurstBride · June 2017

I'm so glad it worked out!

GraceUponGrace09 · June 2017

@CANTW82BMOM Good for you! So glad everything worked out so well!

EmilyLove25 · June 2017

Wow! You handled this perfectly and so glad you don't have that irritating stress for the next 16 months!

Lizbeth86 · June 2017

I'm glad you got out of it. Bridal parties should be reserved for the very enthusiastic!

kelk5 · June 2017

So glad it worked out

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