End of a dream depression

impatientlywaitingjen · June 2017

our second round of IVF just failed. First round we got zero eggs, second round we got 3, but they didn't take. I am 34 years old. We cannot afford to continue with this journey.
I have spent my whole life kind of just going with the flow. I never went to post secondary school since I never really knew what I wanted to do. I've floated from job to job trying new things, again because I never really knew what I wanted to do. The only thing in like that was a for sure thing for me was that I was going to be a mother.
I have gone through many guilt stages: why did I wait so long? Maybe if I'd done "this" I wouldn't be sitting childless at 34 with withering ovaries. How could I do this to my husband?
i don't want to say I am suicidal, because I don't think that is the case, but I am really questioning what on earth my point in life is when the only thing I thought was for sure is no longer attainable. I have never been so depressed in my life. I have no idea where to go from here.

choosinghope2 · June 2017

Greetings, you are here to be a light to someone. I don't know if you're a spiritual person but your life has more meaning than you know. If it's in God's plan for you to have a child, you will. Don't rule it out and don't lose hope. I had two failed IVF attempts and I m trusting that I will produce a baby in his timing. Explore your dreams and the things that make you genuinely happy. It's okay to feel whatever emotion you please, but I also know that God is able and He gives joy that's not contingent on our current circumstances. Praying for you.

Labluver2 · June 2017

I'm so sorry. Its really hard on us emotionally something we want so bad and we can't have it. I always asked why me I would be such a great mother, its not fair and makes me so mad when people who don't treat their children nicely how is it fair they can have kids but I can't. I'm 38 and also waited to be established in my own house and career to start a family I never thought 36 was old and here I am almost 3 years later low reserves no money for IVF. My husband said something to me that kinda helped me if this doesn't happen he asked are you happy with our life he said nothing is going to change. And who knows my RE said he sees miricals everyday and has seen people get preg naturally after stopping treatments. Don't give up. I know that it may not be in the cards for me but I won't give up. Maybe see if your RE has someone a group or something that you can talk to about how you are feeling. I wish you the best of luck.

funkykey · June 2017

I'm so sorry @impatientlywaitingjen .

I don't know that I can echo PP - I'm spiritual, but I don't know that there will be a baby for me; even if/when we do IVF, I don't know. And I don't believe that if we stop, there will be a miracle baby if I try hard enough. I mean, I'd hope for that, but the odds are really stacked against us. I'm hopeful, but I'm also a realist.

IF sucks hard. I'm so so sorry that you've been through 2 failed IVF rounds. I don't know what your diagnosis is or what else you've tried, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be awfully depressed myself.

I don't think you should feel guilty - 34 is young to have been through 2 failed rounds, so I don't think you could have done much differently - but I think that's a natural response. So often, when something doesn't work out, it seems easier to be hard on ourselves - to find the one thing we could have done differently, and to beat ourselves up for it - because that can help us with the illusion that we are somehow "in control" or responsible for our fate. Except we're not - that is an illusion.

In most areas of my life, I believe that hard work will pay. That if I work really hard and am strategic and honest and have integrity, good things will happen for me, and I will be able to get what I want/have the life I want. And in many, many areas of my life, that's proven true.

But the older I get, and the more I go through, the more I realize - it's not always true. Shitty things happen to people; awful, terrible life-altering things, and the terrible things that happen to them, it's not because they're not worthy or bad people, but because shitty things happen. I've read this article many, many times, and I think it expresses how I feel the best:
https://www.thecut.com/2016/09/ask-polly-why-do-women-obsess-about-babies-and-fertility.html

You have probably spent a couple of years, and a lot of time and effort trying to achieve something you may not ever achieve. That is a crushing blow! I hope you take time to mourn, and to recover. What you are experiencing is a terrible thing, one of the worst things that can happen to someone.

Sending you lots of good vibes and wishes, and hoping you find happiness and meaning in your life eventually, once you have taken time to mourn this.

Good luck to you.

Hopeful_mom · June 2017

i'm really sorry that you're here and in this situation and i'm glad you posted. I stopped to read your post as I'm having a hard day myself as my day 2 report is progressing as much as I was hoping. This is cycle 7 for me and my wallet told me to stop cycles ago, I get it!! I'm not super religious BUT i do keep asking why, why me? I think I'm a pretty solid person helping others when I can, could I do more, sure! I've suffered in other areas of my life and feel like you keep getting knocked down over and over. You will get through this too. We all have a journey in life and its possible that IVF is not apart of your and thats ok. We dont have that crystal ball but g-d at times I wish we did! It sound like you have a good supportive man so i'm really happy to hear that! Take the time you need for yourself to heal. I think its a good idea to continue speaking your thoughts dont hold it in as thats not healthy. Look for a group or someone to talk to, you're certainly not alone. Sending u hugs!

gwinnyblack · June 2017

I get you on so many levels, I have also felt myself as a disappointment to the world and I thought that everyone around me hated on me because I was childless at my age. But now having my dreams almost come true I feel like everything was up to me and that it was really the situation pressuring me to feel as if I was the worst human being on the planet.
I am really sorry for what you're going through now and I totally can relate that I also think that the only thing that can make me happy apart from being with people I love, is having kids. Or it is the same. And it totally made me happier than ever to know that there is still a chance. and here it goes: do not give up too early. I am a lot older than you so do not think that everything is over.
Definitely look for someone you can talk to!
PS and maybe you'll get pregnant right after you stop devoting to ttcing all of your thoughts and time?? Maybe it is how it works? the magic of conception

Holls214 · June 2017

@impatientlywaitingjen I'm so sorry you are here and going through all of that. I'm sure we can all relate. I definitely can too.
Infertility sucks... I haven't felt like myself in many years. So many meds, feelings, hormones all well normal life still has to go on. We have to put on a happy face and work when all we want to do is cry or curl up in a ball.
I have heard so many stories of people getting pregnant after "giving" up on everything. I hope that rings true for you. Thinking about you.

[Deleted User] · June 2017

OP - I'm sorry I didn't read this sooner and I'm very sorry you've had two failed cycles. That must be incredibly devastating. While I haven't cycled yet, I can relate it to the way I felt when we got our azoo diagnosis. A part of me really didn't know how I would go on... but I did. And you will too. And even if he has his procedure and there's still no sperm, and we never even get to try, the good news is we love each other. And like pps said, even if nothing changes and all we get is to spend the rest of our lives together, sharing it as best friends, we will consider ourselves very lucky and blessed indeed. (((Hugs)))

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