Sharing the News Dilemma - Update!!!

aimsforyou2014 · June 2017

I need some help ladies. DH has been pretty adamant that he does not want to share the news about our LO with DSD until after she returns from her mid-summer custody with her mother. In his defense, DSD's mother is cray - a manipulative, controlling B**** who is honestly the most ungrateful and selfish person I have ever met. DH is concerned that if we tell DSD before she goes to her mom's that mom will be angry about the news and take it out on DSD or try to poison her thinking about us having a baby - ie "they won't love you anymore," etc. DH thinks that if we wait until after DSD is back with us and then tell her mom separately, mom will have a month to process the news and will be less likely to take it out on DSD.

The problem with this plan now is that my father innocently posted something on Facebook that hints that we might be expecting. Also, my parents are coming out for my birthday next weekend and all I want for my birthday is maternity clothes and baby related stuff. My dad truly apologized for the post - he just said something on a post about my sister's kids about being excited for the next little ray of sunshine coming into our lives - which is adorable! But one of my aunts already figured out what he meant and I am worried that DSD's mom will see the post and figure it out as well. We are "friends" on FB and for all I know, she could FB stalk me in her free time jut because she is a nut. When I spoke to my dad about it, he suggested that we may want to tell DSD's mom ASAP because it would be bad for her to figure it out because it looks like we were keeping it a secret from her and may ruin our chance to tell DSD the news ourselves. He also pointed out that if we tell DSD first, we get to frame the new baby for her and possibly prevent the potential poisoning of the well by her mom.

My problem is I don't know how to convince DH that this is the right path. He has been so stubborn about waiting. I have tried to have several conversations with him about the birthday situation and he just kind of brushes it off - like "oh well, DSD won't notice that those are maternity clothes" or whatever. I am ready to be excited about this baby and share it with everyone, especially DSD. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated.

UPDATE - Just wanted to let everyone know we shared the news with DSD last night. She was so excited she literally ran around our house from 10 minutes screaming, "I'm so excited!" She was also totally on top of giving me tons of pregnancy advice - "Miss Amy you need to take it easy. You should sleep in late and don't worry about waking up with me," at dinner "Miss Amy, what are you going to eat? We need to make sure it's safe." It was the most adorable sweetest thing I have ever witnessed. I wish I could share the video of it with you guys - it was seriously the most precious moment.

Also, we told her mom and her response was, "Congratulations! I'm sure Elizabeth is super excited." All that worry for nothing - at least for now.

Cricket99 · June 2017

Wow, this is a tough dilemma. Honestly it may be better to tell DSD beforehand. Get her all hyped up about having a baby sibling and do something so that she feels like she will be really involved i.e. start picking out nursery colours, pick out some books that she really liked when she was little, little things like that. Hopefully that will set we up for excitement rather than "poisoning" from her mom. I think if you don't tell her and her mom figured it out you could be in a world of sibling rivalry. Also, how old is DSD? I think there are age appropriate books out there about how even though you are having another baby that doesn't mean you will ever love her any less. That's a big point to stress. Good luck and I hope you don't have to deal with any crazy.

aimsforyou2014 · June 2017

Thanks @Cricket99 !
This is very helpful. DSD is 9, but she is a little developmentally delayed because she is on the Autism Spectrum and ADHD.

EmilyLove25 · June 2017

This is challenging. From my experience, people are savvy on FB and can figure things out... so depending on how much she checks you/DH's facebook etc., I would just think there was a strong chance she could accidentally find out via FB and then really be angry (she sounds crazy so I am making assumptions) because DH/you etc. didn't tell her blah blah and then she would be more likely to spin it negatively. I would probably tell DH your fears re: her finding out not from you and that you want to frame it for her as an exciting time for you (sibling! Big sister! yay!). Good luck!

PhillymommaX2 · June 2017

I agree with your husband. It's better to wait since his ex is such a crazy bitch and if there's the slightest chance she's going to poison her mind, I would just wait. I would also ask your dad to take down his post. Honestly, you are lucky your DH isn't mad at your dad for posting YOUR news on FB, but that's a huge pet peeve of mine when people post other people's news on FB. Your SD won't be able to tell maternity from regular clothes. Sometimes I can't tell the difference unless I look at the label, especially with shirts.
Its both of your news and it's his daughter ( even though I'm sure you play a major role in her life) so I would err on the side of his wishes and not say anything until she comes back. It's not worth fighting DH about. Anyone you happen to tell make sure they know not to post on FB because that up to you and your DH to share and no one else

supercoolstephy · June 2017

I can see both sides of the ideas. When we had our first, my Husbands ex-wife was pretty nutso about us being together. She found out I was pregnant like a week after we found out, we suspect it was my Husbands brothers (now) ex-wife who told her. She then decided that this was the time to give the birds in the bees talk, and made him think sex was the most disgusting thing ever. Then she would remind him that she was done having kids, that she didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't as important anymore because a baby will make him feel left out and like he had a new family without him. It was a really crappy situation. He loves his brother but I make a point for him to feel included and part of our family. We haven't told him about this new babe. We were waiting till we had a heartbeat, which we weren't supposed to see till our apt in 2 weeks, but we just had an apt yesterday so I guess we could tell him now that we know things are ok right now.

aimsforyou2014 · June 2017

@supercoolstephy
That is exactly what I am worried she will do and I really want to establish with SD that she will always have a place in our lives before her mom gets a chance to bring her negativity into the whole thing.

CANTW82BMOM · June 2017

This is so tough. Initially I was in complete agreement with DH, but as I continued to read and saw that your father posted something my feelings started to change. I think that she will probably be furious if she finds out on fb. I think if it were me, based on the fb post, I'd want to tell DSD first as opposed to having her find out from her mom and have there be any negativity around it. Good luck.

agalvarado · June 2017

I'm so sorry you and your DH are in this situation! I think that DSD's mom is going to find out through FB right away, I can totally imagine her going through all your family's posts digging till she finds something. I think the best way to handle it is to tell DSD and show her lots of love so she can feel really excited and included and also tell her mom so she has one less thing to be angry about.

A close friend of mine sent her daughter to her dad's for the weekend recently and she came back super excited saying "mama I'm going to be a sister!!" and my friend felt really betrayed and called him up because she felt he wasn't "being a man" by not telling her himself. I'm not saying what my friend did is ok... I just think if her mom sees all the love and excitement her daughter feels from you and DH and if you tell her directly, she won't feel so threatened.

libbberty · June 2017

Wow, what a dilemma! I'm so sorry to hear you're stuck in this situation. I can absolutely see all of these great pieces of advice and perspective ALL being right depending on the moment and the "what ifs". I feel for you!

I am leaning towards the "If you're sure she knows on FB, tell DSD to avoid even more ex backlash (and I love the idea about giving DSD control over an activity like nursery theme), but if not, let DH make the call" camp. I agree with comments about DH being able to read the situation well since he's been in both these people's lives longer. That said, sometimes we are so "in" situations that we can't see reality! It's super tough.

I can totally empathize with you about wanting to share this news but being stuck in a pickle of bad timing. Especially when it's due to an ex. I think I would probably feel like I had been so patient and made so many allowances for ex-wife, and now I'm just continuing to do so. But, I also think that we cannot underestimate the power of a crazy woman. We can only control our own actions and responses.

My two cents - I think you can restrict what people see about you on Facebook while still being friends with them. So, you can block them from seeing anything you are tagged in. I might do this with DSD's mother regardless of what decision you make. The only way she would find out is if she compared her account to someone else's view of your account (which would be further evidence of cray cray) - so you may want to temporarily do this to DSD, too, but maybe I'm overreacting there. It might be worthwhile at least temporarily!

BelhurstBride · June 2017

My gut says to go with DH on this one- he knows his ex better than you.

It's easy to hide a pregnancy on FB. I was 39 weeks with DD2 before someone tagged me in a picture- and people were SHOCKED.

Plus, you still have 30 weeks to go- not only is there still a lot that could go wrong, that's a very long time in the world of a 9 year old. You have plenty of time to do all of the prepping and bonding stuff after 20 weeks hits.

aimsforyou2014 · June 2017

Thanks for all of the advice ladies. We decided all things considered that we are ready to tell DSD now. DH is going to call her mom and tell her the news about 30 minutes before we tell her. This will give her sometime to process (Before DSD goes to her for custody) and also give us plenty of time to build DSD up with the knowledge that we will always love her and we are super excited for her to be a part of this process. I appreciate what a lot of you said about waiting, but I think what really sold my husband on the idea was I pointed out to him how many people we had already told (we have told our immediate families and all of our close friends and most of the people we work with) and said, it is just a matter of time before someone slips. If we really wanted to keep it a secret, we shouldn't have told so many people to begin with.

[Deleted User] · June 2017

Nothing to add because PPs gave some great advice, but I just wanted to send you positive vibes! I hope everything goes ok.

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