6/12 POTD: For or Against: Free Range Parenting

VLillyV · June 2017

Free-range parenting is the concept of raising children in the spirit of encouraging them to function independently and with little parental supervision, in accordance of their age of development and with a reasonable acceptance of realistic personal risks.

In other words - are you for or against letting your children make their own life decisions and what would you think is appropriate?

NO SS poll option! Neutral is as PC as it'll get

ChocolateIsLife · June 2017

I put neutral because I need to read more into what Free Range Parenting is (I thought of the eggs I get when grocery shopping when I read the title

)

I want to encourage independence and free thinking in our child, and this style sounds like it has similarities to what our goal is. I grew up not being able to have an opinion about most things, and being criticized when I did and the self doubt from that still lingers with me today. That is something that is a major priority of mine. I think encouraging independence will help build confidence and promote a healthy self esteem. At the same time I definitely want to parent them and teach them right from wrong and have structure.

emwj10187 · June 2017

I voted Neutral as well. I need to start reading some parenting books lol i don't know much about this. I feel like neutral fits me best as that is my instinct. Let them figure it out on their own to an extent until mommy and daddy need to step in.

jessafishy · June 2017

I voted Neutral. I would like to allow more independence and I try, but my anxiety gets the better of me often. I hope I can let go a bit more when they get a little older, we'll see.

bluejeanbabi05 · June 2017

I voted neutral because keeping kids in cages is cruel, and we should really let them be free to range where they want and express their natural behaviors, but I can see the attraction in knowing where they are at all times.

natleilynn · June 2017

+1 for neutral.

We encourage DD to be content playing by herself, being by herself and taking care of herself...but at the same time...she's 3. She's not always going to make good (or safe) decisions. Call me a helicopter parent, but I am that mom at the playground who makes sure I'm a step away from something she could seriously hurt herself on (ie, fall). I know her, I know her strengths and abilities. I'll step back and let her try it on her own - only assisting when she truly needs it, but at the same time I'm not willing to let her potentially break a bone in the name of independence.

migdala · June 2017

Barring dangerous or irreversible consequences, I want her to learn to make her own decisions early on. I plan on giving her the benefit of everything I've learned from my own life, but I want it to be very clear that my role is as a trusted consultant and ultimately she is the CEO of her life. My mom raised us this way and I felt a sincere sense of personal responsibility early on. That said, I'll bail her out if she needs me to, because I'm rooting for her and I want her to know she can always count on me even if she's gotten herself into a mess. So I guess I'm pro free-range? But I'm not going to let her go out roaming the streets on her own for a long while -- that's not because I won't trust her, but because stranger danger is a thing.

melarowan · June 2017

I'm in the neutral zone. I see both approaches in my family and I wish there was more middle ground.

My mom is raising my 14 year old niece. She's an awesome kid, who still struggles with ADHD and being a hormonal teenager. My mom still treats her like she's much younger and incapable of choosing things herself. I swear, she barely knows how to pick out clothes she likes because my mom has the control on major lockdown. I worry when she goes to college that she won't know how to function in regards to making decisions. And, yes, I talk to my mom about my worries.

Flip side, one of my sisters has 2 kids, a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are totally wild. My nephew rides his bike to school and more than a few times, hasn't come straight home like he's supposed to. Consequences for not doing what you were told and lying about it? Just a talking to. My niece isn't fully potty trained. My sister says she'll use the potty 100% of the time when she's ready to. Now, if she's with me or grandpa, we have no problems. When she's with her other grandparents, she will pull down her panties and take a dump on the floor next to the potty, all because she's angry. Consequence: a finger wag with a "no-no". I've tried talking with my sister from the approach of learning for when I'm a mom, but the conversation never goes well. So, I chicken out (avoid confrontation) and ask her about food because we can talk about that for hours.

VLillyV · June 2017

Great insight ladies!

I voted against. I was very "off-leash" in my youth and that got me into trouble, trouble that I now regret and wish I had someone to advise me better. My brothers are walking a similar line as well.

I would like my child to make their own decisions but not without some heavy coaching beforehand. She won't get away with a lot of the things that I did in my own youth, that's certain.

I'm also extremely worried about how our world is changing and there seems to be more danger to children out in the world then before. I'd be worried 24/7 if my girl was out and about making independent decisions... all it takes is one wrong decision and the consequences can be devastating.

JessDG · June 2017

I am neutral too. Maybe I'd have stronger feelings if I was already a parent. As a FTM, I just don't know how our parenting style will develop yet. I would like to take the same approach that my parents did with my brother and I. We were encouraged to make our own decisions and be independent people, but not without my parents modeling what good choices were for us first. They didn't hover over us every minute of every day but we still knew right from wrong. We are now both fully functional independent adults.

I definitely know that I wont' be able to be totally hands off.

jessafishy · June 2017

VLillyV said:

Great insight ladies!

I voted against. I was very "off-leash" in my youth and that got me into trouble, trouble that I now regret and wish I had someone to advise me better. My brothers are walking a similar line as well.

I would like my child to make their own decisions but not without some heavy coaching beforehand. She won't get away with a lot of the things that I did in my own youth, that's certain.

I'm also extremely worried about how our world is changing and there seems to be more danger to children out in the world then before. I'd be worried 24/7 if my girl was out and about making independent decisions... all it takes is one wrong decision and the consequences can be devastating.

This is actually not supported by statistics and evidence. The difference is we just KNOW about all the terrible things that could happen due to national media coverage and such whereas back in the day they just lived in blissful ignorance. Crimes against children have actually decreased.

https://unh.edu/ccrc/Trends/index.html

natleilynn · June 2017

JessDG said:

I am neutral too. Maybe I'd have stronger feelings if I was already a parent. As a FTM, I just don't know how our parenting style will develop yet. I would like to take the same approach that my parents did with my brother and I. We were encouraged to make our own decisions and be independent people, but not without my parents modeling what good choices were for us first. They didn't hover over us every minute of every day but we still knew right from wrong. We are now both fully functional independent adults.

I definitely know that I wont' be able to be totally hands off.

Also? I think your parenting style will develop based on the kid. I mean, we only have one so far, but she's a pretty laid back kid so all things considered, she's been pretty easy to parent. I'm fully anticipating that we may have to parent #2 differently.

VLillyV · June 2017

@jessafishy oh thanks for the link, i've got some reading to do!

carries2018 · June 2017

I put nuetral. but i am prob more of a free range parent. but i think your kid dictates what you need to be.

i am very hands off, let them do their own thing. mostly bc i am lazy and they need to figure ish out. 13 months climbing up on a barstool? "oh hey! both hands!" 3yo using the scissors? "be careful! don't cut your hair or you will be in trouble!" going up/down the stairs? "be careful! on your bum" on the flip side there are times they need to be kept in line. and i am not going to let their "independent thinking and exploration" get in the way of what they need to do. i told them to do it, so they have to. this could mean 30 min of tantrums and bargaining, they aren't obedient little soldiers all the time, but they don't get a say in everything.

i am very much pick your battles. i cannot be fighting with them all day long. they are in the other room and i hear yelling, meh. just do the best you can.

JessDG · June 2017

@natleilynn Definitely! I am sure it will depend on LO's personality and that's something that we need to remember for sure. I'm a little more go with the flow than DH, so we'll see how this goes.

tsa208 · June 2017

VLillyV said:

Great insight ladies!

I voted against. I was very "off-leash" in my youth and that got me into trouble, trouble that I now regret and wish I had someone to advise me better. My brothers are walking a similar line as well.

I would like my child to make their own decisions but not without some heavy coaching beforehand. She won't get away with a lot of the things that I did in my own youth, that's certain.

I'm also extremely worried about how our world is changing and there seems to be more danger to children out in the world then before. I'd be worried 24/7 if my girl was out and about making independent decisions... all it takes is one wrong decision and the consequences can be devastating.

I voted for, but I found this post interesting and a good point. I too was very "off leash" and while I didn't get into trouble, it's more that I just wasn't caught. Life could have turned out differently for me. So I'll add to a caveat for being "FOR" - lots of coaching/teaching before letting kids turn loose. But I see so much value in letting kids navigate their own lives. We're just trying to figure out how to do that safely. I grew up next to a large wooded area and would just run off and play in them all day (around ages 12 or so). I'd learn my way home, learn what plants not to touch. I live downtown in a major city now - not so sure I can give my kid that same experience, but a compromise is the large city park, letting them run around freely. They'll get the feeling of independence and being untethered, but in a safer environment.

One of the issues with free range parenting is that most of the other kids aren't raised that way. There's safety in numbers, and if yours is the only kid that's running around freely, that makes it more difficult than if they could run down the street and pick up a few friends.

riverrainez · June 2017

Pro. I am a big believer in giving kids age-appropriate independence and trusting them to make their own decisions without constant parental supervision. That doesn't mean letting them run wild with no rules or consequences or giving them whatever they want. For me it's more about raising them with a perspective on the world that gives them confidence to make good decisions and learn things on their own. And of course, knowing I will always be there if they need help or guidance.

I don't blame any parent for worrying about freak accidents and kidnappings, but I do believe that the media has really overblown the stranger danger concept and made people more fearful than they need to be. Statistics show that communities are safer than they have been in 30 years and the risk of being kidnapped or harmed by a stranger is incredibly low (most people are aware that it's much more likely that kidnapping or harm will come from someone you or your kids know).

I also work in public health in a setting where we're seeing the consequences of physical inactivity that comes from tight leashes and kids who aren't allowed to leave the house or do much of anything by themselves. I think the entire community has a responsibility for creating the type of environment we want for our kids, and that means investing in safe and clean public places like parks, playgrounds, and streets where parents are comfortable letting their kids walk around and ride bikes and play on their own.

tsa208 · June 2017

riverrainez said:

I also work in public health in a setting where we're seeing the consequences of physical inactivity that comes from tight leashes and kids who aren't allowed to leave the house or do much of anything by themselves. I think the entire community has a responsibility for creating the type of environment we want for our kids, and that means investing in safe and clean public places like parks, playgrounds, and streets where parents are comfortable letting their kids walk around and ride bikes and play on their own.

Amen, sister. If you build it, they will come!

purplestarz · June 2017

I also voted neutral. It just depends on the situation, the kid, and the environment. I like to think my parenting style can adapt and change depending on this factors. Buttttt DD is not even 3 yet so a lot can change. We aren't in a ton of situations daily that would even allow me to "free range" parent but admittedly I should read more about it. She likes to pick out her clothes (hilarious), and choose what she wants to eat (out of the options I give her), and I try to encourage independent play but it's hard at this age. Trust me, it's not because I don't WANT her to play by herself haha she just wants a buddy constantly whether it's at home or on the playground.

DH and I were just talking about how at what age we would let DD walk/bike to school. Assuming we still live in the same house, the elementary school is about .5 miles away. Maybe less. It's hard to EVER imagine her going off by herself but I think that's just because it's hard to see her past the age she is now.

i think we can all say we are more one way or another right now, but need to be open to adapting to the current environment.

Are you guys familiar with the Nextdoor app? Just last night someone posted that she was at our neighborhood park with her children and two girls rode up on their bikes on their own. The lady was appalled someone would let their children go to the park alone (she didn't say the approximate ages of the girls). I thought that was a bit much. We have enough to worry about as parents and now I have to worry about other parents policing what we do.

natleilynn · June 2017

@purplestarz I think letting DD pick out her own clothes has been the highlight of her getting older. Yesterday she seriously looked like a little Amish girl. If we're going somewhere that I really need her to look somewhat put together, I'll give her 2-3 options and ask her to pick from them. That usually appeases her. The best outfits tend to be when we're going to the grocery. It should hardly come as a surprise that all of the employees know us there. haha

ETA: We have nextdoor and I could totally see someone flaming on that. It's sad that we have to parent based on "is someone going to see this and call CPS?'"

carries2018 · June 2017

also i think a lot of my parenting style stems from having them 19 months apart. by the time DD1 started walking i was pregnant again. i think it forced me to step back and be like...whatever, just be careful. and they had a playmate even if it was just putting a blanket on the living and breathing baby doll. i think when they are spaced a little more your parenting has probably evolved a different way.

shan24 · June 2017

I voted for. I'm a big believer in natural consequences (to a point). Last week, my two year old refused to put on shoes before leaving the house. I wasn't going to fight with him. It didn't take very long on our paved driveway in 30C heat for him to ask for his shoes.

IMO as long as safety and respect are under control, modelling of expectations by parents kind of covers the rest.

canonmom413 · June 2017

Neutral. I watch my kids like a hawk in certain situations. At home , I am comfortable with them outside by themselves. Even when they were slightly younger (7 and 4). I still check on them but don't feel the need to helicopter them. Now at stores, parks, public places.... I am a helicopter parent. Human trafficking is very real and VeRY scary. Especially to a mom of girls who are disgustingly enough, of prime age for these horrific things. I have a friend in residential social work and the stories she tells me horrifies me to no end. There is so much that is happening and we just don't even hear half of the things in the media.

beezeee · June 2017

jessafishy said:

I voted Neutral. I would like to allow more independence and I try, but my anxiety gets the better of me often. I hope I can let go a bit more when they get a little older, we'll see.

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say, so just quoting rather than retyping. In theory, independence sounds awesome, but I am such a worrier that I have a problem with this in practice. Luckily, DH is much better at allowing DD to figure things out on her own (although more than I'd like, at times), so we balance each other out for the most part. Giving them too much independence, however, can be a bad thing, I think. As parents, it's our job to help guide our kids in life, so true "free range parenting" can be a little too off hands, IMO. Somewhere down the middle (letting them figure things out on their own while still giving them guidance, appropriate discipline, etc.) seems best to me.

edited to clarify and fix words.

ariz17 · June 2017

I voted for neutral. I think it stems from how I was raised. I was an angel of a child until I was a teenager and I think my mom put way too many restrictions on me, which caused to to rebel. She wouldn't let me sleep over at my friends houses sometimes in high school for no real reason?? Granted we were planning on being up to no good, but I think these kind of restrictions caused me to have some resentment. I also felt kind of smothered (still kind of do..she calls me like everyday) My mom admits that there are a million things she wished she had done differently and I tell her not to beat herself up. I just never want my kids to grow up and resent me or be annoyed with me later in life.

I do want them to try and learn from their mistakes. If they were ever in danger or needed help I know I would do anything to help me just like my mom and my dad would do anything for my brother and I. I know it will probably be hard for me to let go but I am going to try. I also think parenting style it depends on the kid too.

roo_baby · June 2017

I voted for, but with some limits. I obviously don't want to get in trouble with the law, or put my kid in unnecessary risk of harm. Growing up, I had the freedom to go to the park with my friends, ride my bike to the store, etc. and never felt unsafe. However, I grew up in the suburbs and now live in the city. I see kids ride the public bus to school as young as 6 or 7 because they don't have a choice, and that terrifies me. I also feel like it's my job as a parent to give some guidance. I'm not going to force her to go to med school if she really wants to be an artist, but I will help her navigate what career paths are out there for artists that will give her some financial stability and options.

I'm also a firm believer in letting kids fail, cause that's how they learn. I used to procrastinate big homework projects and then freak out at the last minute, and my parents would always help me get them done. I wish they didn't help me at least a few times and let me get the bad grade. I probably would have figured out that I needed to start things sooner. Now I'm still a big procrastinator and often expect someone to come in and rescue me, but I really wish I'd figured out young how to manage my own time better.

sjohns908 · June 2017

I grew up being allowed to make my mistakes and learn from them, but my parents would talk to me about potential consequences. They have always been the type to just listen and not judge what I'm doing. I knew when I had made a mistake and could own up to it without fear of my parents being furious with me. And that's how I want my kids to grow up.

We allow them a lot of freedoms at home, but out in public, they are kept a close eye on. I've heard too many scary stories of attempted kidnappings at stores, so I am very strict there, especially when it's just me with all 3 kids. As they get older, I want them to be aware of possible consequences from their actions (i.e. talking about sex, drugs, alcohol, driving habits, their decisions on what they eat, who they choose as friends, etc) but ultimately, they need to learn first-hand, but we will intervean if we feel their safety is compromised by their decisions.

PizzaMonster3 · June 2017

Free range sounds so glorious after having such a structured and restricted childhood. But I voted nuetral because I want my kids to take risks and be adventurous, but I also want to provide guidance and discipline. I'm also pretty confident that for all my talk of let the kid play, my anxiety might have me hovering at the playground so they don't fall *too* hard.

I really have no idea how we'll parent just yet - I do think it'll kind of depend on the kid. What "worked" for me did not work for my sisters... but that leads me to an interesting question for STM+

Do you (plan to) parent all your kids the same or each kid different approach?

As a kid, I resented that my parents let my younger sister walk all over them and constantly caved into her tantrums. I couldn't dream of getting away with some of what she did. But they have such a close relationship now that it make sure me wonder if they really did have a plan through it all.

monstera13 · June 2017

I voted neutral as well, but leaning towards the pro side. It seems like my reasoning is similar to many others.

I plan to give my kids the opportunity to make age-appropriate decisions and learn to function independently. I think the key phrase though is "age-appropriate." There will definitely be times when DH and I make decisions for them, especially when the decision has long-term consequences and/or potential danger. But in terms of everyday decisions, I want my children to learn how to make their own decisions and what the consequences of those decisions are. If they do something stupid, I think natural consequences are important (barring of course anything that would seriously hurt them). As the kids get older, they will slowly get more opportunities to spend time and make decisions with less supervision and oversight.

PizzaMonster3 · June 2017

A video I stumble across that resonated. Also hearteyes

https://youtu.be/zL7SobTAnuQ

natleilynn · June 2017

@PizzaMonster3 we plan on changing up our parenting styles based on the child's needs. I mean, getting DD to obey might take a different style than this next kiddo. But I don't plan on letting either kid get away with more or less... just that we may have to approach each kid different.

carries2018 · June 2017

@PizzaMonster3 my approach is the same. But execution is a little different. DD1 is really independent. I joke she is basically my mother. DD2 is more "dependent" on me. She needs more attention and sometimes she doesn't want to go out and do. She wants to be on top of me. So for DD2 when she is in the mood, it's same old whatever just don't hurt yourself...too badly. But sometimes she doesn't want to so she is attached to my hip. Often more than I'd like haha.

but an example is this past weekend. We were at a party and a FTM was their with her daughter who was the same age as DD2. DD2 was playing on the swingset going down the slide and I would just glance over every so often to make sure she was ok. The other little girl needed her mom next to her around the swingset bc she kept using it dangerously (not judging the mom helicoptering bc I would be over there too with how she was doing it) but since DD2 has always been relatively "free" since she could walk she knows how to navigate that stuff even though she is more clingy than DD1. This other girl she is pretty much all her mom has to keep her eyes on so she is always gently corrected she doesn't have to be careful. Neither way is wrong, it's just how our parenting evolved. But just an example how DD2 is much different than DD1 in regards to free range use, she still has the basics down.

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6/12 POTD: For or Against: Free Range Parenting

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